Hi everyone, just wanted to wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas. I hope you all get whatever you ask for, and some pleasant surprises in the upcoming year. Be safe.

I'm kind of in a pensive mood at the moment. I've been thinking about life and how much of it is spent wasted on meaningless things. I'm not a religious person, but if I were I would imagine that when you stood in front of St. Peter for your judgment, that he wouldn't ,count your sins. No, instead a huge scale would sit before you. Sands of time would drop onto the left side of the scale for how much time you've wasted, and sands of value would begin to pour onto the other side. Time spent waiting at stoplights, left side. Time spent helping a sad friend forget about a boyfriend, right side. The people with too much sand on the left side have to go back to Earth until they get it right. The right side would get to spend eternity strumming harps with all the other productive people. That scenario is depressing in and of itself though. Because eventually the only people left on Earth are the slackers, while the best people in heaven are wasting their productivity.

The problem with knowing so much about Science, is that with every new thing I learn about the world and every evil I read about in humanity, the more I realize that oblivion is the only thing we have to look forward to. Oblivion is an excellent motivational concept for me. It drives me to leave behind as much of myself as possible before I go, so that in a way I'm still here. Never forgotten, and in a way it helps me get productivity points in pseudo-heaven. I think my brother has the best philosophy of all. Don't be afraid, any given day can be your last. It's how you live that is the most important thing you leave behind.

I miss the feeling. After being out of college for a few years, I forgot what it was like to have deadlines, due dates, and massive amounts of reading. After a couple years of freedom, I once again have that monkey on my shoulder, pulling my bald scalp to prove to instructors that I am all I can be...and more. I'm not complaining. I'm actually enjoying myself. It's odd how no matter how much you plan your life out, it never goes according to plan. I thought that I would be perfect for law, but as it turns out I'm more apt to catch bad guys as a network security specialist.

It will be nice to have my Masters degree. I plan on using my education for good, by teaching part time while I continue my professional career. Otherwise it would seem a waste to get my degree. The good news is that since my classes tie into my current job nicely, it really doesn't seem like work. How nice is it to get paid and get an education doing the things I love?

You girls have been fantastic as of late, I really appreciate you sharing your artistic poses for me. The human body is quite possibly one of the best works of art a person can have.

The other day I sat huddled over a burrito at lunch. I'm not sure why it was that particular moment that I started thinking about things, I'm sure I'd rather it been some London pub overlooking Big Ben surrounded by a group of strangers idly making conversation. But there I was at a table, alone, facing a wall. It couldn't have been a more mundane moment had I planned it out that way. I thought about my financial situation, it could be worse. I thought about all the paper hanging up on my wall. Time spent with my nose buried in books, and learning the industry. Then it happened, my soul took a deep breath and I relaxed a bit in my chair. I've been so wrapped up into moving forward, that I haven't stopped to think about how far I've come already. I remember starting my job at Artesyn, one of the first guys I talked to on the fuser repair line conversed with me. Strangely enough we became fast friends, and later had an interesting conversation about suicide where he was asking me what the best way to off one's self would be.

"So you were big stuff where you worked before, huh? Well you're nothing here, welcome to the bottom!" At the time I took it as being an insult, but it also gave me one of those moments where if I were in a movie, the camera would pan out and show the huge mass of working people, until the orgy of production was a pinpoint embedded on a 300 year daily calendar sprawled across some mansion wall. It was true, at that point in my life, I was nothing. Before I was promoted to process lead, then line lead, shift lead, night supervisor, and then Engineering....I was an unknown in a blue ESD smock, nervous about not knowing what to do or whom everyone was. Two years later I was conducting tours for the VP of production's business associates, and making the company money while simultaneously being overhead. Being laid off by a group of people I conducted a tour with only a month before, left a bitter taste in my mouth. I left there feeling defeated, and although the quickness that I got my next 6 year workforce journey should have been an achievement in and of itself, I lost valuable self-esteem, which was only exacerbated by the crummy environment I found myself in working at the college. But this blog isn't to mull over what could have been, or what didn't happen. It's one of discovery.

When I started working as a network security specialist, there was no suicidal employee there to greet me as the bottom run on the ladder. There were no late night projects so I could climb my way to the top of the corporate ladder. Instead I was greeted with a shy kind of respect. I'm not the phone-answering entry-level peon that I was treated for years as. I was an equal, or above equal who is asked questions on a regular basis, with hopefully eyes on me that I'll be able to present the right answer. It's a good feeling, but even as it was happening I felt awkward and quickly let those around me know I'm just one of the guys, though I've been fighting my own demons in so far is trying to get used to all the changes around me.

I can't say as though I feel more important. When I'm at a job, I'm more interested in making sure that all the pieces I need to accomplish my part are in place. What I felt, sitting alone during my lunch was a sense of relief. That feeling as though, I still have a long way to go to where I want to be, but at the same time I'm finally where I'm supposed to be. It makes all those years of feeling pissed off worth it, and it was nice to have a moment like that before school starts again, and the whole cycle starts over.