(sneaking shots in the bathroom)






























BAKON BLOODY MARY YYEAAHH BUDDY


crotchless sweatpants

on my head


yes, thats my purse

after i got home:

~ The odd thing was, I woke up in a good mood. Nice and early. Of course it was to Bryz crying because my dad was taking Bailey out to potty. But still, I wasn't unhappy perse with the way I woke up. But of course I was a little unhappy when I went to sleep. After a few minutes that thought returned but I'll get to that later.

~ So I did my usual routine of peeing before I take Bryz out to pee. Even had my yogurt like I've been doing. All good, right? No. The trash can was OVERFLOWING. Mind you, my dad had been in and out of the apt last night going to his garage to work on his camaro. He had also taken Bailey out to potty before work. At least FIVE FUCKING TIMES HE COULD HAVE TAKEN THE DAMN TRASH OUT. But no. I don't even have glasses on, haven't wiped the sleep from my eyes, trying to eat my yogurt as fast as possible.... and I have to stumble across the complex to throw away the trash. On top of that, he's too fucking stupid to spit his nasty chew spit into a fucking bottle, so he spits in the fucking trash bag. The more I struggled to get the bag out to tie, the more I could smell it. I got so close to throwing up, I had to stop and walk away. I was so fucking pissed.

~ So I get the bag out, tied, and against the front door to put Bryz's leash on. I had to hold the trash bag and Bryz's leash in the same hand to keep Bailey from running out of the door. Annoying but trivial. Get out in the hallway (which is actually outside) and try to switch the trash bag from my left to my right hand..... and it scares the fuck out of Bryzly. So much that she pulls away and slips her collar. Omfg. So I had to drop the bag and chase after her. Mind you, she is so low to the ground that its impossible to tackle her. So I'm half awake, sick to my stomach, already annoyed, and now I'm chasing a little carpet-shark around my apartment complex trying to catch her without scaring her. I finally get her after she ran the opposite direction of the trash, get the bag again and finally throw it away. FINALLY, I think. Nope.

~ I get inside to make my first cup of coffee and get started on my latin..... the keurig is out of water. Well, that's ok, says my brain, we filtered some water in the brita before bed last night. (Note: dad and I use filtered water in the brita to avoid mineral buildup) So I'm pouring the water into the resevoir and realize, there's almost NO water left. I check to see if my kcup was still in the keurig from yesterday (when I had also ran out of water) and NOPE. My dad had enough time this morning to use up MY water to make a fuck-ton of black tea but didn't refill what he used from the Brita. AWESOME. I try to refill the brita..... motherfucking sink is overflowing with nasty dishes. I'll touch on that again later as well.

~ Finally I have coffee (with too much pumpkin creamer) and I sit down to finish Lesson 3 in RS. For the first time, I was annoyed the entire time. I wanted the activities over and done with. I have two days of work left in the first cd. The volume was too loud and I had to listen to it bcuz it was a listening activity (so theres no words) and I wanted to throw shit. It gave me such a fucking headache. But I got through it. 5 activities, all 100%s. Afterwards I was a little upset that Latin annoyed me when its like.... THE only fun thing I do on a daily basis.

~ So I'm done with Latin for the day and decide to get to work on my trip coming up (8 days) AND THEN I REMEMBER FOR THE THIRD TIME IN 24 HOURS THAT THE PERSON I SHARE A BANK ACCOUNT WITH DIDNT PAY ONE OF HIS BILLS FROM THIS PAYCHECK. WHICH MEANS ABOUT $200 HAS BEEN CUT FROM MY BUDGET FOR MY TRIP. I have cried over this twice. I know that sounds really spoiled, but I haven't seen Reekie since July. And its also the first time I will have seen my baby brother since Christmas. AND its fucking Reekies graduation. AND ITS THE FIRST STARS GAME I GET TO SEE IN FUCKING THREE YEARS. And now, I probably have to cut out a shit ton of stuff. On top of whatever else he spends money on, and then add in my phone bill (which is STILL $20 more than it should be, thanks verizon. even though my phone doesnt make outgoing calls nor does it text half the time, again thank you verizon) I am so fucking upset about this. I've tried to work on a site I haven't used in months. Next to nothing is coming in. I was going to buy a Stars jersey, now I DEF can't afford it. I asked my dad if I could borrow his for the game.... he told me to buy my own. I almost bought the CUTEST cardigan and the CUTEST pumps last night for the SGIA party last night. thank god I didn't.

~ So of course I'm stressed the fuck out. It feels like I may have to cancel. I don't know if I can even afford the beer I promised my uncle in return for letting Reekie and I stay with him. Not to mention Reekie and I have to eat every day, and we won't exactly be around homemade meals. I'm so so so stressed. I even cried over it for a little while. Around 10:45 I was tempted to take a few shots of vodka. Thankfully I resisted, but I can't say that the temptation isn't still there. The worst part? Reekie and I worked really hard and had lots of discussions on how to avoid overspending like we usually do. Food, alcohol, snacks that we always end up buying, even coffee and the like. It just amazes me that when I finally learn to control myself during a big trip, this happens.

~ Well, the stress from that upset my stomach. So I've been feeling vomity and ucky all morning. It hasn't gone away. Add in the storm on its way to Denver giving me a pressure headache..... I am sick. Lower back pain, headache, tummy ache, my eyes are stressed from holding back tears so much. I just don't get it. I get that when it rains, it pours, but right now..... my life is HAILING.

~ So I think the worst is over and I'm gonna move on.... some girl from my high school sees my post on facebook about trying to get glass seats for the stars game and comments that she has a buddy to go with. 0.o who the fuck invited you? I'm bringing someone else, and not to mention, I don't want to hang out with you. The last time you and I were around each other you called me bad names, and so did your best friend that used to hang out with me at hockey tournys because his little bro and my little bro played together. Fuck the both of you. Why do people feel its ok to just assume shit? I mentioned the other day that I MIGHT be in Lincoln on a certain day, and a different girl said "DO IT WE CAN GO OUT FOR MY BIRTHDAY" um no. I have a date with Reekie. The whole day. And after the hockey game I have to go STRAIGHT back to Omaha before my uncle locks me out of his house. Why couldn't she ASK why, what for, who with? Maybe then I'd offer to meet her for food/drinks before the game. I don't understand it. It royally pissed me off. I emailed a certain someone about it trying to vent, and they just reply "sorry people are annoying because they want to hang out with you." 1) fuck you dont be snarky with me, im in no mood for my own attitude right now. 2) these people never actually try to see me when i was in town the last few times, why now? what the fuck has changed? 3) no. just no. asshole. be nice.

~ So I get a lot of math done, budgeting (kinda) and decided I'm going to cook 1/2 lb of bacon and make a metric fuck ton of blts and slather them in mayo and just wreck myself via food..... HOORAY. I know, eating my feelings is the wrong way to go, but it was either that or alcohol. And I'm REALLY trying to teach myself that I can handle my emotions without alcohol seeing as Tricare has made it impossible for me to get xanax anymore. Mental health is a VERY low priority for family members to the military. It's so wonderful and just stresses me out even more. Anyways, I go in the kitchen and BOOM reminded that 1) I don't have any water, and 2) EVERY DISH THAT COULD BE DIRTY, IS. I had just done the fucking dishes two days ago. I don't understand how my dad does it. He uses about 3 different glasses a day (weekdays) and uses a new pan every day. Get a paper towl, wipe down the canola spray, and reuse it tomorrow. It won't kill you. I use ONE glass a day. I reuse dishes as often as I (safely) can. In an entire day, he uses 2 spoons, 4 forks, 2 butter knives, and 3 glasses on average. And then complains that his water bill is so high. AWESOME. So I do the dishes. Cool. No problem. I have the faucet running to get some hot water to help rinse the dirtier dishes and clean out the sink..... half way through getting the dirty dishes in the washer, the smell hits me. He's been spitting his leftover chew dips in the sink, along with leftover pancake batter, and other foodstuffs. I had to go throw up. Finally threw up this time. Finished the dishes. They're still washing right now, so no food for me yet.

~ Yay, I finally vomit. Still nauseous. Awesome. Still have a headache. But NOW, for a reason I can't pinpoint for the life of me, I'm lightheaded and having trouble seeing straight. No alcohol in me. Had a slimfast for the vitamins. I just can't seem to feel anywhere close to normal.

~ My last complaint (so far) is my insides. Something is really wrong with me lately. I feel sick easily. And I keep gettng weird, sharp pains in my belly. Always on the sides. Like, front right or front left. And lower back pain. There's other things that make this seem much worse, but I won't go into it. But the paranoid part of me is convinced I'm bleeding internally. Basically I'm going to die soon. I'm so done with feeling this way. I haven't been able to get up and go run for days. Going to the store for ICE CREAM is a god damn chore to me right now. I am just not ok.

That's basically it. As far as I can remember. Sorry that was so fucking huge but I needed to get it out. Very few will read it, and that's ok. I know it'll get better. I know I'll be fine. But until then..... I'm sad, I'm stressed, I'm sick. And I just want to lay here and shove my face full of bacon.