Member: Alyeska
hopeful

Alyeska the gods wait to delight in you

I’m private
 
OCTOBER 30, 2009 @ 10:07 AM


I know it's not thanksgiving yet, but being thankful has been on my mind lately.

I will start by saying that I am the most negative person I know. Not only is the glass half empty, but it's a dirty glass in a shitty bar, filled with a watery shitty beer that I can't pay for and I'm in the company of complete morons. I snap at everything. I am unable to relax on my own. I can't stop and tell myself to shut my mouth and calm the fuck down. There could be one piece of trash on the floor and I will SCREAM. One thing goes wrong and I can't take it. I try to see it as 'fiery' but it's getting out of control. I'm an anxious, stressed out, worried, haggard little thing. Sometimes it can make me interesting, and even funny! But I think I'm starting to hurt those around me and it needs to stop. Now.

Last night I started to realize that I am a lucky person. I don't have anything going for me, my body is the most awkward thing, and I have no means to take care of myself. But god damnit I'm a lucky little cunt. And here's why.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I have parents who love me. Mommy may have left when I was 3, and left my father with broken hearts and abandonment issues, but fuck she does her best to make up for it. She apologizes constantly. She may not see that my problems with her are no longer because she left, but that's because it hurts her to know that she hurt me. She helps me when she can. She loves me. She wants the best for me. But she has to be herself, live her life, and be her own person. Even if it means she lives with her boyfriend and takes care of his kids like she never did for me, but her and I can't change the past. I make jokes about her, I call her names sometimes, but I'm just glad she changed her mind and wanted to be in my life SOMEHOW.
My daddy is an amazing guy. He took my brother and I AND all the credit card bills so that my brother and I would have a good life. He's put a roof over my head, kept clothes on my back...even if they were dirty, ugly, out of style, and lame. He fed me, even when he could only afford popcorn and baked beans. He helped me get a car, he helped me get through rough times, he stuck by me through drugs and theft and rebellion. His son is a sorry, sad, worthless piece of shit, but my dad deals with it, goes through it, works his ass off, and keeps going. He's the strongest person I know and CAN have the patience of a saint. I know that if I were in his position I would have given up by now. He even took me in after I fucked up at Ashford, and got fucked over in Alaska. He deals with my anger, even when it angers him. He pushes me to work harder and does everything I can to make me the best woman I can be. I love him so much. I wish he wasn't an alcoholic, I wish he wasn't addicted to Star Wars Galaxies, and I wish he didn't waste his money on mods for the Camaro. But that doesn't change what he's done for me in the past. He's such an amazing person.
My paternal side of the family is a gift. My Nana, my uncles and their wives and families, they are all amazing people. So strong, enduring, and full of love. Even when I went through bad stages, screwed up, and acted rudely, they still love me. I love them so much. They do what they can to help me. I wouldn't change them for the world and I miss them.

My friends, well, holy shit! Even the worst ones are great people in their own way. I've struggled with keeping friends in my life, and that stems from my negativity and attitude. The ones that stuck around are the greatest people I will ever know. Friends are the reason I wake up in the morning, the reason why I shower, why I breathe, why I talk, why I eat and sleep.
Reekie is the greatest person on the face of this earth. No matter what I've said to her, done to her, and put her through, she's still here. She got me through one of my worst breakdowns, and she's seen me at every stage of emotion I've ever experienced. I have my own problems with her, and there's things I'd like to change about her. And not change like you'd think, but things that she needs to change no matter what. But I love her. To the moon and back, to pluto and back. Forever and always. She will never ever be replaced, and I will never know anyone who is as great as she is. She may make me angrier than I've ever been, and she may break my heart and leave me in tears, but god damnit I couldn't ask for a better friend. She has been so patient, so loving, so caring, so kind. I know I shouldn't want to change her, but I want to make sure her life is going to be the best it can be! I feel like her mommy sometimes, but it's not her fault her parents failed. They loved her, no doubts about that, but they raised a child, not an adult. I'm here, as a good friend, to make sure she lives a great life. A good friend wouldn't let their friend ruin their own life. It will all be ok because I love her. I always will. I don't think I could love anyone more than her. She will always be my best friend forever. No matter what.
To all the friends who got me through elementary, middle, and high school....I love them as well. We all had our ups and downs, our fights, our problems, our highs and lows, but they can never be replaced by anything. If it wasn't for them, I don't think I would have made it. They are why I even bothered going to school in the first place. I am so thankful for every kind, loving moment that I experienced with them, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I am the result of all those moments, bad and good, that I had with them.

To my new friends, from SCC, from Ashford, from Alaska, from Texas, and from here on SG.....I love you all so much. Through the bad and good, you've all meant something to me at some point. Even that shitty exboyfriend of mine in Anchorage. Let me explain; he may have brought me heartache, he may have made me miss my friends, and wish I'd never known him but he brought good into my life as well. I was able to move to ALASKA!! That alone is fucking amazing. He taught me that I really can be a bad girlfriend, and a bad person, and I grew up so much because of him. I learned how to watch my back, how to treat the world. Alaska alone showed me how to open my eyes to the world around me, to see the beauty that was right outside of any window. I missed my friends, family, and pets so much that I've never loved them more in my whole life. I met new people because of him. I learned because of him. I was made stronger because of him.
SG alone has brought me so much happiness recently. Not only have I felt more beautiful, and more inclined to work out, I have made so many new friends. Awkward men sending awkward messages gushing over my giant tits; gorgeous women from all corners of the earth talking about tattoos, music, photographers, being naked, and other stupid pointless yet meaningful shit; and the AMAZING people from the SGNE group. They may be very very new in my life, but already they've given me good times, smiles, laughs, and things to learn from. Some have hurt and upset me already, but I'm trying to look past it. I have my problems with each of them, but fuck, I'm glad to have such interesting, well-intentioned friends. Certain ones I'd like to sit down with and be 100% brutally honest and slightly hurtful, but no matter what I want them in my life. They hardly know me, and want me in their life. That's all I really want, is to be wanted. They've offered help so often in the short time we've all known each other. Our get togethers are something I look forward to so much, and I love spending time with just awesome people. Why worry about the little things someone might do that annoys me? Why not do my best to enjoy the good times I do have?



The one point of this blog was to just put down in words how I'm feeling, and to remind myself that in people alone I have much to be thankful for. Much to live for, to work for, to want. I want to love my life, and god damnit I will. I don't care how much heartache it takes at first, how much therapy, or pills. I could care less, I'm going to make it happen. I'm going to move to Alaska again, even if it kills me. I WILL have the SG title in the next year, no matter what it costs me. [Note: I do need to get the money to waste on a plane ticket to see a decent fucking photographer] I will graduate from college, with atleast a BA and do SOMETHING with my life that will allow me to live comfortably in a decent home with a decent vehicle. I will love myself, my friends, my family. I will learn, somehow, someway, to accept all that I cannot change and to change what I can. God damnit, I'm going to have an amazing, interesting life worth talking about it. Worth living. My life as it is at the moment is only worth living due to the people in it. I will go places, I will see things, I will have stories to tell. I will have a great body, I will party hard and often, I will give and take kisses, I will climb a mountain, I will swim in all bodies of water, I will camp in remote places and watch the sky tell a story of the world turning without me, I will experiment, I will love, I will open up, I will stop caring about tattoos that I might dislike in the future, I will lose all regrets and love each day. GOD DAMNIT I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN. I will motivate myself to be a happy, beautiful, interesting girl. I don't feel as though I am right now, and I miss feeling that way. People will love me, will want me, and will be thankful that I'm their friend. It will all be so full circle. I will have interesting hairstyles, a lip piercing [even if it's only for a few months] I will dress how ever the fuck I want, even if my chubby tummy is showing! I am a sexy person, and I am human, normal, and a classic-shaped piece of amazingness. I am worth so much, and deserve so much.

I have been thorugh so much negative, I have gone through alot of pain. Not as much as others, but enough to know. It won't happen overnight, it won't happen in a week, and I will still cry, get mad, snap, yell, and have mood swings like woah. But god damnit my life will be amazing, and I want everyone to be a part of it!

I don't have much to give my friends right now. I can't offer any money to help, or many words of advice, but I make good company. I will do my best to be the best person I can be. And I will show my friend that deep down, my intentions are as golden as the pretty leafs outside. EVERYTHING WILL BE AMAZING WITH A LITTLE HARD WORK!

Wooooo. I rambled a bit, and was redundant. Oh well. For being on my period, in pain, and mad at Reekie earlier, I'm feeling amazing. I cannot wait to do a new set, to get my hair cut [aka have the money] to dye my hair all cute and shit, and to have the fucking ability to really work out. Things are really looking up, even if I can't have sex right now, have some hard things to go through, and alot of bullshit to do for school, my house, and my trip. I hope everyone else can see that things are worth so much. I sound so cheery, and I know how it feels to read a cheery blog when you're down. I love you, who ever you are, and if you're reading this and feeling down......let's talk! I want to talk to everyone!

A big, belated shoutout to Amarillo HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY YOU SEXY PIECE OF AWESOME WOMAN! I'm so glad to have you in my life, even when we have our downs. You're a great woman, and I hope you have an amazing day today! I hope the spa is treating you well, and I'm sorry I can't afford to join you at PF Changs and I'm too young to go dancing. But oh well, doesn't mean I'm not wishing you a happy fucking day. You're going to have fun, and this is your day! Even if it's not actually your bday today, it's your party day!

Wahya has a new set in MR coming up, and I can't wait! She's one of the most gorgeous women on this site. I really hope it does well! She is just an amazing looking woman, and an Alaskan to boot.
Everoyne should go and check out Nijichan's newest set Dirty Work. Vote for it! It's the best she's done yet!
Clio has a new set out in MR now! She's got the best boobies on the site! Go see!
AmieLust has a set in MR as well, and holy shit it's so amazing! Please go see these lovely ladies!

It's time for me to go peepee, have a smoke, start more laundry, and color another coloring page. I love everyone's comments on my blog, and I promise to start replying! I'll be on this site quite a bit today. Hope everyone has a great friday, and a great AND SAFE halloween!
XOXO
Bukowskii
[p.s. I might be changing my name to Alyeska....your thoughts?]

zoom image
I'm pretty fucking sure that's me and Brian Posehn!!!! Met him in Anchorage.
See? Lots to be thankful for!

Comments
f1ssure

f1ssure

Cranford, NJ
February 2006

OCT 30, 2009 01:47 PM

that is a lot to be thankful for. Before I can give an opinion on the potential name change, I'd need to know your reasoning if yo'd care to share.

BlackJacket

BlackJacket

Canada
August 2008

OCT 30, 2009 01:52 PM

it always good to have someone you can rely on

SbMick

SbMick

Kansas City, MO
December 2004

OCT 30, 2009 03:52 PM

Brian with the jack hoodie...nice

Reekie

Reekie

HOPEFUL

Bettendorf, IA

OCT 30, 2009 05:29 PM

I Love you sooo much.. I am glad you felt happy after that. You made a lot of good points and I am gonna try and live by that way of thinking... I am so thankful that I have you in my life.. you have opened my eyes in so many ways, and I want to thank you for that!!

Amarillo

Amarillo

USA
July 2008

OCT 31, 2009 05:58 PM

this is where i would give you an enormous hug and kiss.... miss you!

MrMuller

MrMuller

Detroit, MI
March 2004

OCT 31, 2009 11:22 PM

Yeah, I feel the same way. It's an odd thing, my life is shit, but I can't help but be grateful.

PaganAngel

PaganAngel

Brunswick, ME
July 2009

NOV 01, 2009 03:29 PM

Life is always gunna have ups and downs; it's good that you've found the good things and the determination to keep going! Take happiness and friendship wherever you con get it.

I know I'm one of the akward men on here, but I don't think my messages to you have been too akward or gushy.

As for the name change,....as they say "a rose, by any other name, would still be just as sweet".

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