If your looking for the one youll never find it when you give up you get a taste to put you in the hunt again... only to be dissapointed most of the time.

But sometimes....

Hear, hear, Al. That was an excellent, honest rant. You're on my team.

It takes a long time to get to know a person enough to want to form a real relationship.
Of course some form of attraction has to be there, but for the rest of the package, you never get to really know a person on just a few dates. Everybody has their off days, and the greatest person in the world came come off as a bumbling idiot once in a while--especially if he likes you.

The prettiest girl I ever dated turned out to be the hottest and sexiest I've known so far. However, she was a bit daft. She'd want to date for a while, break up, and then want to date again. Stability has a great deal to be said for it, and despite her great charms, when she she wanted another go at it, I gently turned her down. I wanted romance, not a roller coaster ride.

If I tell someone they're pretty, or smart, I mean that as a compliment. I don't do it as a come on. I think you are lovely, but I don't seriously entertain the idea of a relationship with you.

I learn a lot from your journals. It is fascinating to watch someone seriously tackle life's issues, and grow and blossom.

I reveal nothing new here, but sometimes our inability to find that right person has less to do with our imperfect lovers, and more to do with our own failings. It's hard to lay down our defenses and put our trust in someone else.

Looks--Pish! I remember once getting the biggest crush on one of the homeliest girls I've ever met. She had the awesomest personality! Unfortunately, she had a boyfriend, but she taught me a lesson. I still like pretty girls, don't get me wrong, but now I weigh other factors besides appearances when I look for a girlfriend.

[Edited on Jul 18, 2005 11:17PM]

I am so determined to explain what I know about this to you, but the problem is I don't know much about it. I'm not having mad sex. I'm just one guy. I just think that there is a certain, um, thing inside us that needs to be filled up, that leaves us feeling like we really don't have control over ourselves. If we don't have control over ourselves, we feel vulnerable. If we feel vulnerable in one way, we have to find another way to feel strong. That may be by finding a "mate" that is not as smart as we are, that is not as strong as we are, etc.

So sex, intelligence, physical strength, economics, all play into power struggles between men and women because we don't seem to understand each other, and therefore we don't really trust each other.

And of course there is no hope for ever trusting each other so you might as well just tie a leash to my dick and lead me around while I write you checks, call you a stupid bitch in my head, and fantasize about fucking you so hard you get a concussion.

Looking for love is a strange, and quite a wondrous deed. To be placed upon that field takes a commitment and a conviction of standards. You must remain true to yourself, and only go for that which you feel is right for you.

All I can say is that I understand what you are saying. I, too, feel that way. I just have chosen to live vicariously through others, only stopping to help when I think I can.

Anyone who has read what you write, knows that you are a much deeper person that you sometimes make yourself out to be. You carry a hard veneer, but have a softer center. You helped me in the past with my thread (I still think it is a good idea but keep it to myself.) I wish that there was something I could help you with. It is part of the reason I always keep checking in on you. You will find the right person when you least expect it. It is sad, but so true in so many ways (this by the way will answer your question in the journal.) The person that I found that I truly loved once, well she gave me the greatest gift. It was the best sexual, the best mental, and the best emotional experience I ever had. It was true and full freedom, never had an experience like that since, and doubt I will again. I wasn't looking for her, or anyone at that time. It just came into my lap unexpectedly. I accepted it, well not really…I kind of fought against it initially. The point I am trying to make is that everything happens in the end for a reason. Just let life grow, and you will blossom. You will find that man or woman eventually. Someone will come along and love you for you, inside and out. It will come to you. I just wish you the best of luck on it. You just have to have some faith.

By the way, did you decide to move back to NC with your brother?

i don't know why i have this compulsion to tell people when i have dreams about them, but i do. apparently i also do it when i don't even know the person. but before i fell asleep, i read your journal entry and looked at some of your pictures, and next thing i know we're hanging out at my parents' house eating frozen store-bought italian food that my mom had heated up, and i'm asking you questions about your pictures and hoping i'm not saying anything stupid. (the big questions were about that picture of you with the needles in your face)

so enjoy that, stranger.

Jesus. I wish I could be that honest.
Coincidentally enough, the bottom part about dunx was precisely the same thing I just encountered in my own life. Wacky shit, yo.

As for your question? A girl I had the pleasure of dating for two or three years. She's still a good friend, so lucky for me, I guess?

I'd been thinking about this entry and was going to say something, but I was also thinking about Venice's entry and so I'll leave you a delightful Mother Goose Melody instead:

See-saw, Margery Daw,
Sold her bed, and lay upon straw,
Was not she a dirty slut,
To sell her bed and lay in the dirt?

The only problem with wednesday is wednesday is my day off. I'd really rather not come in for a touch up on my day off. Thursdays at Alternative isn't the only day that I'm available for doing touch ups, though. Pussycat is straight down McLoughlin next to The Dolphin, it's hard to miss, and it's maybe 5 minutes further away from downtown than Alternative. I'm there friday to monday.

Leaving Portland? NOBODY leaves Portland! It's like a sucking chest wound, this town... you never get over it. Or maybe you do. Anyway, a month and 1/2 is plenty of time to get something new... and, if you or Dunx are getting new work, I'd agree to making a wednesday appointment.

Let me know what's up.

This girl. Photo's of her in an Italian play.



I've never met anyone who turned me on as much as her, she was so unbelievably sexy.I scooped her off the dance floor and took her to a quiet part of the school and made out with her and let our hands roam over each other. Mutual lust and horniness. We did that for about half an hour then went back to her dorm and looked through her photo album, which was full of arty B&W nude photos of herself, including several photos of her giving head to some guy. It was a trip finding someone like her the very first day of college, because a girl like her in high school would never have even talked to me.

She had a boyfriend in Argentina, I didn't have any luck in talking her out of her fidelity to him

[Edited on Jul 20, 2005 3:32AM]

Its kinds odd that you don't want someone to want you because your pretty, because it seems that you want someone because they are pretty. What about the person as a whole? Yeah its great to have someone that is just plan hot as fuck. Thats human nature. To me its more of a mind thing than a looks thing. If we are not on the same level than its doomed to not work out. We all end up the same way dead. No getting around it. So whats the point in try to find the hottest guy or girl? Maybe, the person that makes you happy should be more than looks, but someone that is there for you no matter what.

Colonel Wilma Deering. She was wearing her white flight suit and we were orbiting Saturn in zero gee. It was only a dream but it was the best fucking dream in the history of humanity. Probably.

Thanks so much for that comment it made my day

I always liked the way it didn't rhyme. It's like that Herb Alpert song with the wrong note.

Maybe it rhymes for little cockney children.

I think the general logic goes "Due to the fact you look so good, you will have men queueing up for you. You therefore have your pick and the law of averages says that you must find someone you like enough (and likes you, for you) to form a relationship.

As for your question I'm not sure I can remember a specific time, but it's definitely been when I was the most in love. I know that much at least, I remember the feeling you get when the physical side gets close to your emotional state and (cliche alert!) time actually seems to stop, just for the two of you.