A comment to a friend inspired me to just make this into a post, lol.
I think as I learn more, my past feels better. What hurt the most was feeling like so many things were left unsaid, or unaddressed while she wasn't being honest. She might have not even known she was being dishonest, but a person's heart knows. I've seen this with Anna recently.
I am trying to let down my guard with a lot of things, i.e. seafood, but mostly with living. Living true to myself, and what my beliefs are, even if I do enjoy living humbly. With that said, I am also trying to live more vibrantly and thrive in my own skin. That's tough when even the people you love are critical. Life is just fucking hard, hahahahaha.
Sometimes, my home situation really worries me. RyAnn has been one of the only people willing to live under the same roof with Chico and myself, but I think when people find out that we dated, it ruins chances of finding another mate. However, I think Chico does that all on his own too, lol. However, I am very protective of the two of them being who they are. We're all friends, and we care about each other...even if we have difficult existences that tend to sting one another. I just thought of this today: one can reflect on how things went wrong, and it sometimes makes us sad. We can try to fix things for right now and tomorrow, but some situations and opportunities have been completely missed. RyAnn and I had our chance, and it's done. I feel it in my gut that it's over, and while we may always be friends, I really believe that when she physically leaves this house, the distance between us will be great, She has a hard time making time for anyone. It may be school, but it's also her nature.
I have come to terms with this.
After all of my relationship problems of this year already, I'm becoming who I want to be, now I just need to walk. One awkward, clumsy step at a time until I can courageously run toward my destiny.
I think as I learn more, my past feels better. What hurt the most was feeling like so many things were left unsaid, or unaddressed while she wasn't being honest. She might have not even known she was being dishonest, but a person's heart knows. I've seen this with Anna recently.
I am trying to let down my guard with a lot of things, i.e. seafood, but mostly with living. Living true to myself, and what my beliefs are, even if I do enjoy living humbly. With that said, I am also trying to live more vibrantly and thrive in my own skin. That's tough when even the people you love are critical. Life is just fucking hard, hahahahaha.
Sometimes, my home situation really worries me. RyAnn has been one of the only people willing to live under the same roof with Chico and myself, but I think when people find out that we dated, it ruins chances of finding another mate. However, I think Chico does that all on his own too, lol. However, I am very protective of the two of them being who they are. We're all friends, and we care about each other...even if we have difficult existences that tend to sting one another. I just thought of this today: one can reflect on how things went wrong, and it sometimes makes us sad. We can try to fix things for right now and tomorrow, but some situations and opportunities have been completely missed. RyAnn and I had our chance, and it's done. I feel it in my gut that it's over, and while we may always be friends, I really believe that when she physically leaves this house, the distance between us will be great, She has a hard time making time for anyone. It may be school, but it's also her nature.
I have come to terms with this.
After all of my relationship problems of this year already, I'm becoming who I want to be, now I just need to walk. One awkward, clumsy step at a time until I can courageously run toward my destiny.
Ever since I found out my ex is now sleeping with her...ahem...EX-guitarist I've had trouble with my sex drive.
Porn, touch-touchy shower time, EVEN SUICIDE GIRLIES sends terrible images of them getting down in dirty into my head. Sometimes they're pretty hot images because she's a beautiful woman, but the mere thought of another man having her like that makes me ill. I can't help but imagine him being anything but a gentleman, and her eating it up but secretly being eroded from the inside out.
I am trying very hard to see this in a holistic, supportive light. I know I had my chance with her and I blew it, but I know at the same time she didn't make the effort to reassure me either...who would've guessed my fears of both of them having feelings for each other were absolutely right?
You have to trust that gut. Always.
I dunno if it's sad or not, but the same gut, possibly even my soul is telling me to hang on. Just wait it out. I thought that this was maybe a chance for me to slowly build onto a relationship with other people I have considered in the past, but it seems that those are even prevented from me. Which, in some ways is a good thing.
I do not feel that it's healthy for me to be in another relationship right now. I feel like it would only be a rebound, even if that was not my intention....lol sorry Myrtle
Even now, there is evidence of them having some difficulties. I have caught wind of conversations between her and her friends, and even with him. Just weird details. I hope she follows her gut, too.
I once heard a story about Jim Carey. Apparently when he was young he wrote a check to himself for 1 million dollars in hopes that one day he would find his way out of poverty. he would hope and against hope, lay on the is floor staring at the ceiling while praying endlessly. We all know the end to that story.
If I ever want to end up with my dream gal again I need to have that kind of hope. Burning, lovely, fearless hope. I need to take that fire and balance it with patience and get the hell out of the house to give her some space, too hahahaha.
Who the fuck knows to be honest. God willing, this will just be a nightmare that will pass.
Today, I ask of him to pass this cup past my lips. Tomorrow, I worry only about what needs to be done in that very moment.
Porn, touch-touchy shower time, EVEN SUICIDE GIRLIES sends terrible images of them getting down in dirty into my head. Sometimes they're pretty hot images because she's a beautiful woman, but the mere thought of another man having her like that makes me ill. I can't help but imagine him being anything but a gentleman, and her eating it up but secretly being eroded from the inside out.
I am trying very hard to see this in a holistic, supportive light. I know I had my chance with her and I blew it, but I know at the same time she didn't make the effort to reassure me either...who would've guessed my fears of both of them having feelings for each other were absolutely right?
You have to trust that gut. Always.
I dunno if it's sad or not, but the same gut, possibly even my soul is telling me to hang on. Just wait it out. I thought that this was maybe a chance for me to slowly build onto a relationship with other people I have considered in the past, but it seems that those are even prevented from me. Which, in some ways is a good thing.
I do not feel that it's healthy for me to be in another relationship right now. I feel like it would only be a rebound, even if that was not my intention....lol sorry Myrtle
Even now, there is evidence of them having some difficulties. I have caught wind of conversations between her and her friends, and even with him. Just weird details. I hope she follows her gut, too.
I once heard a story about Jim Carey. Apparently when he was young he wrote a check to himself for 1 million dollars in hopes that one day he would find his way out of poverty. he would hope and against hope, lay on the is floor staring at the ceiling while praying endlessly. We all know the end to that story.
If I ever want to end up with my dream gal again I need to have that kind of hope. Burning, lovely, fearless hope. I need to take that fire and balance it with patience and get the hell out of the house to give her some space, too hahahaha.
Who the fuck knows to be honest. God willing, this will just be a nightmare that will pass.
Today, I ask of him to pass this cup past my lips. Tomorrow, I worry only about what needs to be done in that very moment.
So lately I feel like my life is sorta similar to that George Thurgood song, "Movin On Over"
I come in last night about half past ten,
that baby of mine wouldn't let me in
So move it on over, rock it on over,
move over little dog, the mean old dog is movin' in
She told me not to mess around,
but I done let the deal go down
Move it on over, rock it on over,
move over nice dog, the big fat dog is movin' in
She changed the lock on my back door,
now my key won't fit no more
Move it on over, rock it on over,
move over nice dog, the mean old dog is movin' in
She threw me out just as pretty as she pleased,
pretty soon I'll be scratchin' fleas
Move it on over, slide it on over,
move over nice dog, the mean old dog is movin' in
Yeah, listen to me dog before you start to whine,
that side yours and this side mine
So move it on over, rock it on over,
move over little dog, the big old dog is movin' in
Yeah, she changed the lock on my back door,
now my key won't fit no more
Move it on over, rock it on over,
move over little dog, the big old dog is movin' in
Move it on over, move it on over
Move it on over, won't'cha rock it on over
Move over cool dog, the hot dog's movin' in
...Never mind it's a Hank WIlliams original, but the point remains that the once love of my life has found another man, and I don't even feel comfortable in my own house.
The house we fought so damn hard for, scrapped our student loans together for...only to leave me for the guitarist of their damn cover band.
To make matters worse, she had the balls to ask if it was okay to bring him over to hang out while I was donating plasma just to make sure we could pay our bills.
To hell with this noise.
I'm the hero of the hounds, and this is my damn house.
So here I am, sucking up my pride, just to make sure me and the pups can have our castle, I can make my art, and you have a place to stay.
You're welcome.
In all seriousness, I have to give the most awesome, heartfelt thanks to my guardian angel, Myrtle for saving my sanity these last few weeks. Three cheers to her beautiful heart, and wonderful family for showing me what friends are really for.
This is why I always knew we should've been friends.
I come in last night about half past ten,
that baby of mine wouldn't let me in
So move it on over, rock it on over,
move over little dog, the mean old dog is movin' in
She told me not to mess around,
but I done let the deal go down
Move it on over, rock it on over,
move over nice dog, the big fat dog is movin' in
She changed the lock on my back door,
now my key won't fit no more
Move it on over, rock it on over,
move over nice dog, the mean old dog is movin' in
She threw me out just as pretty as she pleased,
pretty soon I'll be scratchin' fleas
Move it on over, slide it on over,
move over nice dog, the mean old dog is movin' in
Yeah, listen to me dog before you start to whine,
that side yours and this side mine
So move it on over, rock it on over,
move over little dog, the big old dog is movin' in
Yeah, she changed the lock on my back door,
now my key won't fit no more
Move it on over, rock it on over,
move over little dog, the big old dog is movin' in
Move it on over, move it on over
Move it on over, won't'cha rock it on over
Move over cool dog, the hot dog's movin' in
...Never mind it's a Hank WIlliams original, but the point remains that the once love of my life has found another man, and I don't even feel comfortable in my own house.
The house we fought so damn hard for, scrapped our student loans together for...only to leave me for the guitarist of their damn cover band.
To make matters worse, she had the balls to ask if it was okay to bring him over to hang out while I was donating plasma just to make sure we could pay our bills.
To hell with this noise.
I'm the hero of the hounds, and this is my damn house.
So here I am, sucking up my pride, just to make sure me and the pups can have our castle, I can make my art, and you have a place to stay.
You're welcome.
In all seriousness, I have to give the most awesome, heartfelt thanks to my guardian angel, Myrtle for saving my sanity these last few weeks. Three cheers to her beautiful heart, and wonderful family for showing me what friends are really for.
This is why I always knew we should've been friends.
MAY 2012
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APRIL 2012
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MARCH 2012
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FEBRUARY 2012