Many thanks to RomanVirtue for my new profile pic, in which I am an admiral and also a monkey.

More random thoughts:

It seems like the perceived quality of a beer is directly proportional to how difficult it is to open. My evidence:

can < twist-off bottle < bottle requiring opener < bottle with that little wire cage and a cork < previous bottle plus foil(Seriously, what the fuck? Those beers should come with monocles.)

Anyway, it makes me think that if I made a beer and just melted the glass closed at the top of the bottle, beer snobs would go fucking nuts for it.


I bet James Randi was born with a beard.


Fuck Ezra Pound.


I've developed a super power of sorts. If I put food in the microwave or toaster oven and walk away from it, I will almost always walk back in the kitchen less than 10 seconds before the ding. Usually, when I tell people about this, we end up quibbling over what actually constitutes a "super power". Fuck you, though. Do you have anything better? One friend suggested I refer to it as an "uncanny knack" instead, which I may end up doing, though it seems like the coward's way out.

See you next year, kids!

Lately, my posts have been mainly about odd little thoughts I have. And that's awesome, so I'm going to do another one.

Is Angela Lansbury still alive? I thought this while waiting for a show to start, and I eventually concluded that she probably wasn't, because I remembered her being old when I caught the odd episode of Murder, She Wrote in my youth, and that was like, forever ago. Still alive, though. Dick Van Dyke, too. Also, if he had been born 60 years or so later, he never would've made it through high school with that name.

Note to crowd-surfers: you cannot surf back to front. You can do front to back and maybe side to side if you have an especially alert and perceptive audience to work with, but never EVER back to front. If you try it, people will not see you coming. You will hit them in the back of their heads and you will fall.

A couple of weeks ago, I made a chicken omelette, which can be unsettling if you think too much about it. I mean, I was eating meat from an animal wrapped in the solidified ova of the same animal. Then I got to wondering if, with proper application of time travel, I could paradoxically eat a chicken omeletted in its own egg. By this time, my omelette had become cold and I had made "omelette" into a verb, so by any reasonable standard, I had clearly overthought said omelette.

I should try making jello shots out of orange jello and vanilla vodka.

So, if you feed Mogwai after midnight, they turn into Gremlins. When does it become okay to feed them again? You'd think the wise old Asian archetype would've mentioned that.

I saw an article titled "Dolphins Help Shark Attack Victim" and my first thought was "Oh fuck, they're teaming up." Seriously, think about it. With the dolphins' smarts and the sharks' lust for death and dismemberment, we wouldn't stand a chance. Luckily, it turned out that the dolphins were helping a victim of a shark attack. We really dodged a bullet there.

I don't see the need for the word "guano". Why not just call it "bat shit"? How come bats are the only animals that get their own private word for their shit? Why is their shit more special than my shit? Do they think they're better than me? Are they? I'm worried now. Side thought: I think any competent therapist would feel a little silly writing the following in their notes: "Subj. expresses feelings of inadequacy re:bats". Didn't that sentence seem to have more than its fair share of colons? There were only three, but doesn't that feel like a lot when it's colons we're talking about? When I was re-reading it, I was all like, "FUCK, another colon?"

People die of natural causes all the time, but I've never heard of anyone dying of unnatural causes, except possibly in H.P. Lovecraft stories. Do people ever die from artificial causes? Do hippies die from all-natural, organic, gluten-free causes? A friend of mine theorized that it's just something they say when old people die and they're not really sure why, but they don't want to tell grieving people, "Yeah, he died because of the old. Watch out, it's hereditary."

Last thought: I was thinking about how pheromones cause women who live in close proximity for longish periods of time to have synchronized menstrual cycles. Don't ask me why I was thinking about it because I honestly can't remember. Anyway, I started to wonder if a woman could intentionally adjust her date of bleedage(you know, to avoid work conflicts and whatnot) by hanging around with another woman who was on a more appealing schedule. This led me to wonder whether the date they both settled on would be halfway between their original dates or if it would be closer to one, which then led me to imagine grand competitions which one would win by keeping her period as close to its original day as possible and pulling others towards her own.

This is how my mind works. Things like this are happening in my head ALL THE TIME. It's a blessing and a curse, and now I'll be debating the relative merits of calling it a "blurse" or a "clessing" for the next few hours.

Edit: One day later, I realize that I wouldn't have to travel through time to omelette a chicken in its own egg; I'd just have to kill and prepare the chicken right after it laid an egg. I really just wanna travel in time is all. Is that so wrong?

Bands/artists I have seen since last I posted: MC Frontalot, Meat Puppets, Sonic Youth, and Rilo Kiley. I'm awesome.

Also, I made a Hallowe'en picture. I guess I'm Jason S. Thompson or something?

Something everyone should do:

Go to the store. Buy a bag of balloons. When you get home, blow one up and pretend you're playing hacky sack in slow motion. You'll thank me later.

For anyone I haven't told yet, go here:

Girls Are Pretty

It's a bunch of short, second person, ridiculously funny stories, and I love them so.

So, I'm eating hummus with pita bread that's partially made of flax, and I wonder how often it happens that you find yourself eating something you have pants made of.

I couldn't think of a not-confusing way to word that sentence. Sorry.

More things I think about:

Why is it that when you see dead animals on the road, they're always the side of the road? Do they crawl to the side of the road after they get hit? Do people hit them when driving off the road? Do people move them after hitting them?

Recent polls suggest that things I say sound more credible if I claim that a vague authority supports them.

OK, so I made a lol-me to express my feelings about shaving my beard and here 'tis.

Crim, I swear I'll get around to posting those pictures from the zoo eventually.

Beard's gone. I'm going to miss it.

Pics later.

Thing I need:
A t-shirt that says "I'M WITH AWESOME" with an arrow pointing up. So everyone knows who's awesome.

Anyone who doesn't post in my appreciation thread doesn't really love me.

Thing to say to people:

"You know, you remind me a lot of you at your age."

So, my beautiful dream (the number 2 thing I want to do) lies in ruins. I went to a costume store with the best name in the history of ever, but the only Lincoln costume they had was comically large on me. The coat reached the bottom of my calves, and whoever those pants were made for could've stood to do a little more rail-splitting. I suppose I could've gone with the horribly-sized costume, but damnit, I'm a man who takes dressing up as Abraham Lincoln to astound and baffle complete strangers seriously.

I also wanted to hit up a comic shop both for Free Comic Day and on general principle, but when I got to where one was supposed to be, I found out that it had been closed for 8 months now. Fucking Mapquest. I was pretty bummed after that, so I went across the street to OfficeMax and bought a discounted executive chair to cheer myself up. It's got mad lumbar support, yo.