Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

Why is it so hard to find a box of Kix these day? None of my neighbood stores stock it. Don't they know that Kix is kid tested and mother approved?

I was having a conversation with a coworker today. He uttered the phrase "Don't go there". So I killed him.

That's justifiable homicide, right?

Is anybody watching Nightline? They are explaining the electoral college, for Christ's sake. Didn't everybody learn that when they were 12?

Fucking rubes.

Mankind can cure cancer, move mountains, and send people to the moon, right? Then why the hell can't somebody make a grated parmesan cheese that doesn't insist on adhering into a solid ball moments after purchase, rendering it virtually useless to the consumer?

Hurry, please. My lasagna is getting cold.

My dishwasher is humming and my toilet is back at 100%. And I did it all MYSELF! Bob Villa can lick my brown-eye.
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I would like to bring the house lights down for a moment:

Much goes out to all the women on this site who make me and make this site such a pleasure to visit. Thank you Charley, Hexe, Catiedid, Lisakat, creative_slacker, Josephene, JamieLee, The Pale One, Tahliana, pinko, AvaFalls, and eveybody else. You are all AMAZING.

Last but not least: Get well soon Benni. I miss you.

My household appliances are beginning to betray me, all at once. My toilet leaks, my dishwasher is broke, and.....well, that's it. But STILL! Anybody have any poltergeist experience?

My friend Hexe got her set posted today.
Go see how incredible she looks!

Well, it's official: I am in a funk.

I was supposed to go to the Triple Rock tonight, yet I can't get off the couch. Again. I have been pretty antisocial lately, with an aversion to crowds in particular.

What the hell is wrong with me? Am I *gulp* getting old?

My apologies to faux_show and pinkokitty for bailing on you. I owe you many drinks.

WORKING WITH RUBES: CHAPTER 49

AE - So this error means your application is corrupt. I can download a new version over your network if you give me a few seconds.

RUBE - Will that software be coming FedEx or UPS?

AE - No sir, I will download the app over your company's network, which means I can replace it through the computer system.

RUBE - *pause* So.....will that be coming FedEx or UPS?

AE -
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Well, Happy "Worst Holiday Ever" Day. How does this guy rate his own holiday? Dude was looking for India, he crashed into the East Coast, and he's some kind of hero? And how can you "discover" a country when there are already thousands of cats already residing there?

I made quite a discovery in 1982. We had run out of beer, the only stuff left in the fridge was some Jeramiah Weed and 3rd rate sodas. I discovered that if you mix the right amount of Squirt and Jeramiah Weed, it could be quite a refreshing concoction.

So Mr. pro-slavery, no-map-following skills gets his own holiday? And no love for the inventor of Squirtweed? What a travesty...

A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything".