The mess my apartment's in feels like a physical representation of the mess my relationship with Neen is in.. ( were only moving down to live on the 21st but Neen and I have to be out of this place on the 15th my first day of work down there is the 25th..)
Right now I'm boxing up the books she wants to keep hoping that what I finish up tonight will be enough that tomorrow we can just clean the apartment for the next tenant and she can distress... moving is a terrible time to try and deconstruct a relation ship there are just too many factors in play like stress fear of change you can't make a strait decision. There's a wall between us it feels big like I can't get around it... it scares me ...I've been kinda destroying myself lately... pierced my septum and stretched my ears to 1 inch (well one the other still needs some taping to get there), got more tattoo and scar work, dyed my hair, and took X before seeing the show last weekend...
I'm wearing my wedding band again. Its on my thumb reminding me that we promised to look after each other and that's what I'm doing right now with the packing... the rest will figure its self out.. But were friends no matter what and that's what counts. The sick part is that she knows I have feelings for someone other than her. She's not surprised or hurt about it, she just accepts that I'm kinda a mess right now and that I'll be back to normal sometime..
Today I put on a smile and pretended everything was fine again.. Its becoming less and less of a lie I feel. Thursday while I was out smoking while getting my heart with a dagger threw it tattoo I ran into some one I'd been faking happiness for and my reaction to them was genuine: I was happy to see them not hurt.. of course they were by them selves and I noticed I still felt jealous a bit when one of my friends mentioned them and there partner later that day... but hey I'm getting over it .. This is good..
Right now I'm boxing up the books she wants to keep hoping that what I finish up tonight will be enough that tomorrow we can just clean the apartment for the next tenant and she can distress... moving is a terrible time to try and deconstruct a relation ship there are just too many factors in play like stress fear of change you can't make a strait decision. There's a wall between us it feels big like I can't get around it... it scares me ...I've been kinda destroying myself lately... pierced my septum and stretched my ears to 1 inch (well one the other still needs some taping to get there), got more tattoo and scar work, dyed my hair, and took X before seeing the show last weekend...
I'm wearing my wedding band again. Its on my thumb reminding me that we promised to look after each other and that's what I'm doing right now with the packing... the rest will figure its self out.. But were friends no matter what and that's what counts. The sick part is that she knows I have feelings for someone other than her. She's not surprised or hurt about it, she just accepts that I'm kinda a mess right now and that I'll be back to normal sometime..
Today I put on a smile and pretended everything was fine again.. Its becoming less and less of a lie I feel. Thursday while I was out smoking while getting my heart with a dagger threw it tattoo I ran into some one I'd been faking happiness for and my reaction to them was genuine: I was happy to see them not hurt.. of course they were by them selves and I noticed I still felt jealous a bit when one of my friends mentioned them and there partner later that day... but hey I'm getting over it .. This is good..
