So I've decided that sometime in the near future I need to stop working from home as much and start seeking out gigs that put me with a crew of people for several days at a time. I don't want to work 18 hour days per se but I do want to work WITH people. As freeing as it is to be able to put down my work and go do whatever it is that I feel is more important, it has not been good for my psyche. I've found myself needy, starved for human interaction and less confident because my school, work and home are all in the same apartment. I thought that combining all of these things would simplify my life. It did. It let the obsessive, self-doubting and depressive part of me take hold. I find myself day after day wondering where the people in my life are and what they are doing. I answer text messages within seconds of receiving them and then let my mind run wild with everything that could be going wrong on the other end when mine aren't returned as quickly.

I am not someone that needs constant reassurance... or I wasn't. I know who I am. I know how intelligent, charming, attractive and talented I am. I've been told these things by multiple people in the past few weeks. I've had someone tear up while saying these things to me. For the moment it works. Then I end up back here, at this damned desk, questioning where all of the confidence has gone.

Last week and over the course of the weekend I got to work on a feature film. I met the crew on day one and we instantly connected. We were artists. We were making something worthwhile, albeit in some very unsavory locations. I felt like I was at peace the entire time, even when I was in the beginning stages of heat exhaustion.

As a writer I've always said that torture is what makes us better. In those times that we cannot help but miss every single person in our life we find some of the most succinct and beautiful ways to say what it is that is on our minds. Truthfully it is bullshit. It is because sadness or loneliness or self loathing are the easiest of emotions for us to experience as we get older. Happiness and joy and just plane contentment are a choice. One that I have seldom made in recent months but instead relied on other people to help me experience it.

It has been my distinct pleasure to meet someone recently that lives for the day, every day... unless she's hung over. I try to learn from how she acts and reacts to life. Not because I do not know the lessons but because I have seem to have forgotten them. After being told several times to stop worrying or quit trying to argue I realized that this is not who I was a few months ago, before I pulled myself out of the world and locked myself in the stronghold of my house every day all day.

I am fun. I am clever. I am someone that people want to be around. Excluding myself from society is not who I am. Feeling sorry for myself is not who I am. No one has left me.
It stops today.

Being a philosophical Taoist I will close with this:

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

For some reason, every single year I get completely excited the whole day before I go out to celebrate my birthday. It's tomorrow but I'm celebrating tonight. I have various things that I try and get done but in the end I am showered and ready by 6 or 7, knowing that nothing is happening for another couple of hours.

I decided to edit out the extremely long blog that came after this. I guess just writing about my daily life helps more than having other people read it.

So much to get done in the next 9 hours, before heading back to SG FL Shootfest 2012!!! A couple of 1000 word essays, a few 500 word essays and a short script. Plus I have to finish my costume for my birthday. (Who doesn't love a costumed birthday party?) I'm sure I could get some of it done while at the Shootfest but I'd rather have zero outside distractions.

The shoot I did with Yesenia over the weekend at the Shootfest went very well. I'm going to show her the photos again when I get back to it. Let's just say after the shoot we did she decided to unwind in true Yesenia fashion. I believe "I wasn't drunk like this earlier" was the funniest thing she said the whole day.

Can't wait for my shoot with Lego this week! After seeing her shoot with Waikiki on Sunday I know it's going to be a fun time. That coupled with her alligator wrestling skills equals my prediction of a pretty epic day.

And of course, who doesn't love being around the splendor that is Waikiki ? She's been in the zone all week and shooting constantly. I'm just glad I could help her out with some gear. It's always a good thing when you meet another photographer and click instantly. Sobelle and DylanBorgman were absolutely great as well. Dylan and I had to share a hotel bed the first night, which was magical.

Ok, I'm off to write until my fingers bleed.

After a four year hiatus I decided to renew my membership. I've met a couple of SGs here in Orlando (Yesenia and Lego) and am doing a behind the scenes video for a pretty sizable shoot late this month that Yesina organized. I guess all of their talk about the site made me decide to log back in.
In other news here is the quick update on me and what the hell I was doing over the past four years.
Married.
Divorced.
Got out of the Marine Corps after 12 years.
Went to film school.
Graduated Valedictorian.
Started working instantly.
Shot with Busta Rhymes, Noriega, Boyz II Men, Houdini, Traffic and many others.
Getting a master's in creative writing while doing freelance work.
Hoping my production company gets the Canon EOS C300 prior to the shootfest.

That's it I guess. Glad to be back. Hope to stay around for a while this time.

Why is it that people always want to drag you back to your bad memories? I understand everyone hurts when they lose someone but for Christ's sake please don't smack me in the face with it... and then all of a sudden it happens... and one single salty pearl falls to the earth... You're back in that moment. One that my brother still says 8 years later was the single hardest thing he ever had to do in his life. "Aaron your best friend is dead." At least I don't have the outburst of self pity that I used to. But then again nothing is ever easier. You don't want it to get easier because if it does then you might forget or you might feel like you are starting to forget. Like you could
this rant is over
Aaron

So things are still boring here in Afghanistan. But I've got to meet people from tons of other countries which is nice. (NATO world) I can't wait to get back to Tampa though. When I'm not working I'm bored out of my fucking mind. Come on mid May... hurry the hell up.

So if I don't put anything up in a while I'm currently in Afghanistan. Its a quick in and out mission so I won't be gone too long at all. If I can update I will.
Aaron

Sickening stuff.... Close to where I live in Tampa, in Bartow Florida a pretty terrible crime happened recently. Pretty much video taped a lynching inside a home, over things that were said on myspace.com Are you kidding me? I can't believe these girls would do this over some shit talking on the internet. I've got news for you ladies... everyone gets shit talked about them on the web. There's probably some jerk-off out there right now writing a post about what an asshole I am. The victim, Victoria Lindsay, still hasn't regained all of her sight or hearing as of right now. The following link is to the video the girls took. Notice how the 16 year old isn't even fighting back anymore but is still getting punished. Sick! We need to bring back corporal punishment in schools. It may not completely stop it but it sure as hell would help to curb things like this.



http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=DqbLrlS15Kk&feature=related


p.s. I am aware that it is your right not to agree with me but also remember it is my right not to give a fuck.

So I leave for Afghanistan next week. This week in Tampa has been like a vacation but I've realized that even in the busiest of towns and the most crowded of rooms you can feel bored to death if you don't know anyone. My friends need to hurry up and get back off of break so I have someone to hang out with.
eh