Ok, here we go. Lies. Now, regardless of what you may personally think about lying, everybody does it. And if you're sitting there saying that you never lie, then you're fucking lying right now. Sheesh. Look, all I'm saying is that we all lie and that we need to be honest about the reasons and the circumstances in which we lie. And there are many situations in which it's just plain wrong.

For instance, what the fuck is going on with the fat chicks walking around in Brazilian jeans? I mean seriously, when the front of your stomach is hanging over the front of your low-cut jeans, then perhaps you should take them back to 5-7-9 and get a damned refund. But, of course there is a simple reason that these woman do this. LIES. Lie #1 is told by the friend who has convinced this person that the jeans looked good on her when she came out of the dressing room. Nevermind the 3 people that looked over and thought that the skin of a sausage had ruptured and the insides were spilling out. Lie #2 was told by the wearer's mind that said, "My best friend just told me that these jeans look great. Now, I just looked in the mirror and I look like I should be jumping out of the water at a major theme park and having fish thrown in my mouth. But my friend said that I look great, so apparently I'm hot as hell in these." You see what I mean? Lies are very detrimental to society and cause thousands of dollars in penis damages per year from all of the guys that have to look at these chicks.

But wait, girls aren't the only people who prove just how bad lying can be. Guys are victims of lies as well. Now, look at young males in today's society that walk around with size 56-pants on when they actually wear a size 30 waist. They also wear a size 8XXXl T-shirt and for some reason think that walking around looking like rejects from "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids" is fashion. Television and music has LIED to them. What the fuck is in fashion about walking around with your clothes falling off of you and appearing to be someone that perhaps lives in a homeless shelter? Hold on a sec, my girlfriend used to be a case manager in an actual homeless shelter and the homeless people didn't even dress that way. Sorry homeless people, the insult was noted and I deeply apologize. Guys, women aren't walking around looking for the guy that looks MOST like a fucking idiot. Well, not usually anyway. Because, now that I think about it, there is a profession out there that has a requirement for people that wear clothes that are waaay too big. Anyone interested please apply at Ringling Brothers/Barnum and Baily's Circus. Go to the tent that has other dumb-asses with huge clothes walking into it and ask for the "senior" clown and please ask for a job as soon as possible. This way, at least you will entertain the public and get paid real money to go and buy more stupid fucking clothes.

And for the girls out there that are screaming at the top of their lungs when some guy they KNOW has a 4-inch cock is humping them, STOP THAT SHIT!! Look, do you really think that it helps any guy on the planet when you fake it? Are you really under the impression that when you're screaming, "Hit this pussy, Daddy! Oh shit, you're killing it!!", that this is a "good" thing? Sure, the guy probably thinks that his cock is now similar to a midget's arm holding a peach, but you have now set him up for something really bad in the future. Because now, he's going to have the impression that he has some sort of "killer cock" that destroys vaginas upon contact. And, some day some girl is going to drop a harsh reality check on him one day when he's slamming the shit out of her and she's lying there laughing her ass off. He's going to be utterly destroyed and will from that point on, walk around mumbling incoherently to himself and attempting to fuck stray animals in his neighborhood in order to reestablish his ranking among nature's beasts.

Same thing applies to guys. If you're faking screaming in pleasure when you've got some chick sucking your cock when in all actuality she's actually severed your cock in half with her teeth, then you're LYING. This helps nobody!! If you're telling a chick how good her pussy is, and in truth you're lying, this totally fucks it up for the next guy. If you're inside a girl and hitting her walls is similar to standing in the middle of the Grand Canyon and attempting to touch the sides, then that's a BAD thing and telling her how good it is means that she is going to actually think that her vagina is the bodily equivalent of Grey Goose Vodka and that nobody can resist it. Then, some poor unsuspecting guy is going to kick her out of his apartment without so much as giving her a bottled water afterward. Then what do we have? A poor girl who now KNOWS that her pussy is horrible and will undergo countless surgical procedures to "tighten it up" and the end result will be that she has a hole that simply opens up at random dumping all of her internal organs onto the floor when she's in an important business meeting at work. See? Lies are BAD.

So please, let's all try not to lie to people. It's just wrong and it causes a countless array of problems. For instance, when people tell you that the "peach" shirt that you're wearing with your Khaki pants is really "nice" and goes well with your skin color....that means, "Hey dude, you look so fucking GAY in that shirt that you could quite possibly have a penis in your ass at this very moment." Needless to say, I was a little upset because I actually like my "peach" shirt. See, lies......they hurt people.

Alright, for those us that are "adults", lets talk about an "adult" topic. And that topic is whether or not to fuck on the first date. Now of course there are a bunch of lying ass girls that are reading this right now and are already starting with that bullshit comment of, "I would never sleep with a guy on the first date". If you fit this category, please stop reading this blog immediately because you suck and are more than likely going to be seriously offended by what I'm about to say. Besides, I'm sure that there's a great episode of The 700 Club showing right now on the Christian Broadcasting Network. You can entertain yourselves by listening to some over-zealous asshole talk about how The DaVinci Code is evil. Now for the rest of you "normal people", please continue.

Look, I'm going to sum this up in one sentence that is nothing short of "Divine Revelation" and that is this: Everybody should fuck on the first date because then you know whether or not the second date needs to happen. At this point, I will probably begin to think there is an earthquake in South Fla due to the thunderous applause and cheers of every male in the world that's reading this. However, the really twisted part about it that there's probably JUST AS MANY girls thinking this exact same thing. So now, lets just look at a couple of scenarios that support this logic.

Now, lets say that there's a guy out there that has been checking out this particularly hot chick for a while now and really wants to now just how good that ass really is. Well, they go out on a couple of dates and of course he tries to play a great game of "can my finger go there?" and she's showing a bit of resistance. Well, she's obviously not going to put out and she tells him that great line of "I want to get to know you first". Sheesh. How bad is that one? But anyway.....the guy and girl continue to go out because he's DETERMINED to hit that ass and now it he has become "Frodo" and is now on a quest for the ring of power. The day finally comes after months of planning that is equalled only by the U.S. military forces planning a strike on downtown Baghdad. The clothes are coming off, the kissing has begun, and now he feels as though he's about to find the Holy Grail only to find that her vagina is surrounded by enough pubic hair to weave into a sweater for a young child. Her boobs look as though countless experiments on the effects of gravity have been conducted and it's painfully obvious that her ass has suffered extensive damage at the hands of a possible hand grenade attack because of all the dents and valleys. The guy moves in to insert his penis anyway because, well why not? If you drive to see the Grand Canyon, you're not going to stay in the hotel all day. You're going to see that big ass hole in the ground even though it's just a stupid hole in the ground. The point is, fuck it, you're already there anyway. Anyway, he inserts his penis only to find that it's moisture content is about the same as the Sahara Desert on the hottest fucking day of the summer at about mid-day. Her movements would cause one to think that she's suffering some sort of medical seizure and now he realizes that instead of feeling pleasure, he's actually bleeding because her vagina has teeth. NOW......he tried for months to get this ass and here he is contemplating suicide just to be able to stop experiencing this moment. If he had just been able to fuck her on the first date, this could have avoided months of patient planning, including buying flowers, going to movies together, eating dinner at nice restaurants, and having to pretend that he really cared what she felt about global warming.

For the ladies, how many times have you seen a guy and thought "what an amazing specimen of ass"??!!! You would absolutely LOVE to see what this guy is packing and whether or not he can make you sing in soprano as his cock makes your pussy feel like a fat person on tour at the Hostess plant watching how twinkies are made. Now, the girl starts talking to the guy and the games begin. Now, women have the odd idea that if they allow us to get the ass on the first date that we'll think they are sluts or something. That's silly!!! We would NEVER think that. And for the other girls out there that would say that you're a slut...FUCK THEM!! Besides, we as guys don't want them anyway. We want you girls that put out!! Oops..I'm drifting off topic. So, the girl goes through months of dating this guy and they finally get to that magic moment. The hugging, kissing, and touching start and then shit really gets heated. The girl can't wait for this guy's mouth to start making her feel like a black male that just won a shopping spree to Foot Locker. She opens her legs and the guy goes down there and proceeds to chew her clitoris like a piece of laffy-taffy and thinks that he's taking her to orgasmic bliss by trying to shove 4 fingers into her ass while he's doing it. Not wanted to lose a valuable body part in the pursuit of pleasure, she stops him and attempts to say seductively to him, "take me". Well, out comes his finger....opps, that's his cock actually. The guys actually about 26 but he still has the cock he had on his 9th birthday and he doesn't think that it's "masculine" to shave his pubes so he has balls that smell as though the crabs that he more than likely has are taking shits in his pubic hair and he's not really a big fan on bathing often. But again, she's already there so fuck it. Well, Mr. Sexy decides that he wants his cock sucked since he gave her a little tongue action down there and she decides to give it a shot, provided that she can hold her breath long enough to do so. Well, she gives it a shot and almost passes out from the "pepperspray-like" fumes emitting from this guys privates. Again, she initiates him getting on top of her and he moves into position. He attempts to insert his oompa-loompa sized penis and as it finally goes in, he cums in a series of convulsions that almost knock the girl unconscious as he headbutts her, accidentally of course. And yet again, another tragedy that could have been avoided by simply fucking on the first date. She wouldn't have had to hold this moron's hand in public, eat fucking chicken wings at some dingy ass sports bar 4 nights out of the week with him and his buddies while watching a sports game that she could give a shit about, dressed in sexy clothes that were intended to get this guy to rip her clothes off in the first place, and/or act like she gave a flying FUCK when he wanted to talk about how he was a NAVY SEAL in Desert Storm when she knew that he was lying his ass off because he actually works in the Garden Section of TARGET.

So, as you can see, fucking on the first date just gets rid of all the guess work involved with relationships. It doesn't make you a "dog", a "hoe-bag", a "skank", or a "slut". It makes you an "informed consumer". When you go car shopping, you "test drive" the fucking car, right? Right!! You don't just walk on the lot and go, "that one". When I bought my digital camera from Best Buy, I played with all of the digital cameras on display. I touched them all, examined each one thoroughly, read the specs on each one, and then made a decision after I had physically handled each one. The same rules apply to women/men. Play with each one, examine each one thoroughly, take the person for a "test drive" because that's the only way to know how they're going to handle "on the road". And at that point, you'll know if you want to buy.

To all of you, happy shopping. Poke it, touch it, finger it, taste it, stroke it, and make an informed decision. Don't make a bad choice because the time you waste can't be regained. And who wants to waste good time on sorry ass? Until next time....scream "Thanks PHAROAH" when you cum on that second date.

Ok, Seriously....I Know You Masturbate Too.
Current mood: flirty


Let's just get right to the point. Why the hell can't women admit that they masturbate? It's really not that big of a deal, you know. I mean, what the hell is so embarassing about using a battery operated device that vibrates at about a thousand times per second to render sexual pleasure? Nothing, right? Wrong!! Apparently it's just not something that can be discussed within the ranks of the female establishment. Everything else can be discussed, like tampons, panty liners, and what douche gives a pussy the best fragrance. (By the way, I like strawberry fields. There's nothing like a pussy that smells like fresh strawberries.) But anyway, what's the problem ladies?

Look, guys will at any given moment readily admit that they crank one off. I mean, to us, it's a rite of passage. You simply aren't a real man unless you've grabbed your cock with a firm hand and emptied a load of man-goo into a rolled up t-shirt , pillow, or shot glass. Look, don't ask about the shot glass thing...I was in college and it was a dare. But anyway, a man will not only admit that he "pumped the pope" but will give vivid details down to the consistency of the cum. For example, Bob tells Bill, "Bro, I was cranking one off the other night while I was watchin' that new movie, Cum In My Ass, Not In My Mouth 2, and I swear to god bro, I was fuckin' pumping out jell-o pudding. Dude, it was so thick it took like 3 tries to wash it off my hands." Bill responds, "Yeah, I know what you mean. Mine is thick like that sometimes too. It's usually because I drink a lot of milk, though." And then both guys slap hands and all is right with the world.

Now, women on the other hand will confess to kidnapping small elementary school children and eating them before they EVER admit to masturbation. But why? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Do you have any idea of the countless hours of joy brought to millions of wanton women around the world that finger themselves? Listen to me, FINGERS ARE YOUR FRIENDS. And if you ever wanted to upgrade from that, there's always the RABBIT and countless other fun toys out there to put inside yourselves and experience total bliss. You never hear the conversation between Susan and Katherine that goes, "You know, after I went shopping the other day, I went home home and took a hot bath. It was GREAT. Guess what? I'm up to 3 fingers now and a thumb in my ass". Katherine responds, "Wow, that's really great. You know, I was so horny the other day that I just poured out all of the Mountain Dew from the bottle I was drinking in the car and just shoved that thing inside me. By the time I got to work, I was totally relaxed and ready for that Board meeting." See, this is the way that things should be.

Do you have any idea how relaxed the world would be if everybody just masturbated? That angry boss at work just needs to grab his cock right there in the office one day and just pop one off on the desk. Yeah, there would be a little clean-up involved but, so what? He would stop treating you like shit and you might get a fucking raise out of it if you offer to provide a hand-job or two. And for that cranky bitch at your office that is always such a fucking cunt to everyone, get her a little pocket buzzer that staps on to her and rests against her clit. She would spend the entire day creaming her panties and would be as pleasant as a cute teddy bear. She would actually get you your coffee and moan while she did it. Can you beat that?

So ladies, when you're lying in bed at night and there's not a cock around, remember that fingers were made for lots of things. Writing, cooking, playing the cello.....yeah, those are great. But why ignore the fact that fingers fit so nicely inside pussies? I mean, guys shove theirs inside you guys all the time. So, stand up and be proud to use your own fingers. Use you middle finger to slowly rub your clit, pick up the pace until you feel that orgasm about to hit, the use the other hand to shove those fingers inside while you drip hot juices all over your bed sheets. Now isn't this nice of me to even provide instructions?

And for all the guys out there, well what can I say really? We as men need no encouragement to continue the great male tradition of leaving cum spots on the carpet beside the bed as we spray our independence into the air. Keep whacking off gentlemen!! Be proud of your hand skills whether you use the overhand, underhand, or side-winder grip. And don't forget, if it's cumming too quickly, squeeze the head for 10 seconds and it gives you more time. Please, don't thank me.

And for the women out there, be proud of your inner pinkness. Use those fingers and electric devices to penetrate the oppressive hold that society has on you. Whether it's 1 finger, 4 fingers, or for the more experienced..a fist, don't ever forget that you have a right to insert whatever you want inside yourselves. (I recommend a double ended dildo. That way you can get both holes taken care of at one time.) And on that note, I bid you farewell and happy stroking/fingering.

Alright, here we go again with more of my ever-so-informative blogs about the absolutely ridiculous shit that I see on a day to day basis. This time it\'s about males, those striking beasts that roam the countryside looking for yet more land to dominate and women to......well, have perversive sex with. (shrugs) Sorry about the women part but I didn\'t know what else to put in that spot.

Anyway, I was hanging out with a pack of wild males not too long ago and noticed that a group of males will ALL try and fuck the same girl that\'s around. Now, perhaps males are under the impression that all girls are willing to participate, at any given moment, in a 7 guy gang-bang. I don\'t know. But what is it that makes them want to crowd around that ONE girl that may be available and see if excessive amounts of alcohol could perhaps get her to be a willing participant in a multiple blow-job event? Now, mind you, the girl involved was mediocre at best. I mean, she had breasts, a vagina, and could complete simple sentences....so she obviously qualified as a possibility.

So, once one guy began to pay her attention, then the other 6 decided that they too must compete for the right to have sloppy drunk sex.....or at least get some head out of it. The next 15 to 20 minutes consisted of multiple drink purchases until the girl had about 8 drinks on the bar top. Now, 8 free drinks = smart girl. In the same respect, 8 free drinks = guys with hard cocks that have a better chance of possibly scoring with each other than with the girl. For those of you that may be asking the question, \"Why PHAROAH, were you involved in this obvious display of male desperation?\" The answer, no. Simply because a) I have a girlfriend and b) even if I didn\'t have a girlfriend, there were 16 other scantilly clad girls that were hotter less than 5 feet away and I definitely could have at least gotten a blowjob from one of them.

So, just for the sake of entertainment, I continued to observe the comical display. Now, here comes the most FUCKED up line that I\'ve heard pulled out in a long time. And that line was, \"You look like you would be really fun in bed.\" Holy shit!! THAT was the line that\'s supposed to get the girl? Ok, seriously at that point you\'re better off renting a porn and calling it a night. Besides, you don\'t have to buy your hand a drink and you know it\'s going home with you regardless.

Now, this posturing continued for about an hour or so and in the end, the girl drank free all night and went home to her apartment A-L-O-N-E. And all males involved, went home with hard cocks and empty wallets. So, I guess that the moral of this story is that males have an isolated gene that makes them exponentially dumber than females. We do stupid shit to get laid and most of the time, we don\'t get laid unless the proper combination of drugs and alcohol is used. Oops, probably shouldn\'t have typed that one. But, anyway, instead of isolating the male gene I have devised the much smarter plan of simply isolating the gene that makes girls want to take off their clothes and have sex upon introduction. I think that would be easier and more worthwhile. Keep checking the blogs because once I get the procedure approved by the FDA and patented, I will at that time post my findings on MySpace and a LOT of guys are gonna get laid.