"I remmber the first time I met Zui. Ah yes seems like only yesterday. I was walking down the streets of Norfolk pretty hammered going to another bar. All of a sudden these midgets a whole gang of them approached me. They pulled out little knives cause that's all thier hands could handle. The leader told me to giv him my wallet. I was nervous and very scared because I have a Phobia of midgets anyways. As I went to give him my wallet I heard yelling. That's when i saw her. It was this Beutiful Girl wearing a red leather jump suit. She looked like a superhero. Out of no where she came and took on the 17 midgets by herself. that girl could kick some ass! I was saved. So I asked her if I could buy her a drink and the rest was history."

"[true story] i first met zui when i had to land my crippled space ship in a field outside of her house, i was hit by blaster fire and i needed repairs badly plus i was hungry also and craving some pizza ... so i knocked on her door hoping that there was somebody home. she answered the door and i was knocked out by her beauty plus she was pointing a shotgun at my chest ... i was a little tongue tied but i went ahead and asked anyway, " excuse me miss but i seem to have broken my vehicle can you please direct me to the nearest facility so i can start my repairs ...? " zui eyed me up and down said, "sure no prb man just wait here and ill call you a tow truck .. brb. ". so i waited on the porch for her return when the pizza delvery guy showed up .... [ooooh my tummy was grumbling so badly that i wanted to jack up this poor dude just for a slice] .. but zui came back just in time and said, " dude .. ur all set man the tow is on its way now." .. and noticed the pizza delivery guy standing behind me so she reached into jean pocket for some money [im guessing] to pay for her pizza but realized that he was late so she said to the poor pizza delivery guy, " man ur freakn late .. i aint paying for this .. ". the poor pizza delivery guy said, " man if it wasnt for that damn ufo flyby i would have been on time ... ". zui just looked at him and said, " yeah right dude, try again .. just give me my pie and begone little man." ... by now my stomach was making these weird noises that were very loud .. zui and pizza boy both looked at me funny like .. and zui asked me if i was hurt in my accident and if i needed medical attention .. i said no but would kill for a slice .. she laffed and said sure np its free anyways "

"As I walked through a dark and creepy ally in NYC one night in late July, a glimmer caught my eye. Normally I'll walk with my head down, ignoring all the threatening sounds and objects lerking about, but tonight was different... there was a sense of calm in the air. I turned a corner as I walked in ironic ecstacy and saw something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.
Later that night I sipped a highball trying to calm my nerves from the devestating scene I had witnessed earlier that evening. I sat down at my computer to log in to SG and tell all of you about my terrifying experience, when out of no where my window was flung open and in crawled Zui. I asked her what she was doing? She replied "I felt tug on my heart earlier this evening and tried to ignore it, but it only got stronger. So I decided to follow this Hurricane of emotions and it picked right up off my feet and landed me here!"
"Holy shit! This is totally crazy!" I replied as jump up causing a rucus that desturbed her and I.
At this moment we both realized she was sent to comfort me through this devestating encounter with death. She opened her bag and pulled out two spoons. Next was a pint of Chubby Hubby B&J, she invited me out onto the fire escape where we ate ice cream and talked all night. We've been friends ever since."

"Zui told me once that the trains smell like clouds."

"

For what it's worth, Zui is the most fantasticly wonderful gal around!

Remember daycare Zui? Those were some times weren't they? How about the day we met: after my mommy dropped me off you ran up to me and kicked my winky; i thought the pain would never stop, but as i lay on the groud crying and crying, you kneeled down to me and said, "I sowwy kid. You cute." and that made me feel better. Even when you called me "Dum doody head," and kicked my winky again, I knew it was out of love.

a few weeks, and many tears later, I finally got the courage up to ask you to marry me, and you said, "ok. close you eyes and do this" and you made the kissing face. I obliged, and you threw a dirt clod at my face...

and so it was: we were married; and what a couple we made! I gave you everything I could: my cookies, milk, crayons, even my favorite ninja turtle action figure; but you kept playing hard to get, you tease!

but the day came when you were no longer in class. I was heartbroken so i've searched for you ever since; and now i've finally found you! so what say we give our marriage another go? I'm your cute boy, remember? you took all my cookies, can't you at least give me a smile? Please baby, baby please? I love you! were you just playing with my heart? please speak to me Zui?!?!?"

"Many of you may not know this, but I was the original front man for loverboy. Now when I was fired, everyone around me ostracized me because I refused to wear spandex. Then I met zui. She accepted me for who I was, and our friendship has flourished ever since. When we got older we agreed that if she got a rainbow tat on her arm, I would paint the cockmobile,(A 1978 Monte Carlo, with a giant rubber penis for a hood ornament.) rainbow. Now when she got her tat, I complied with our agreement. Once again I was ostracized by the gay community, and straight as well. But Zui still stood by my side like the faithfull friend that she is, and she gave me some good advise. "Henry, remove that ridiculous penis from your hood, and maybe change something on the car that will make it cool." So I took off the giant penis, and had someone program my horn to play the brass section from Culture Club's "I'll tumble for ya". I was finally the coolest guy in the neighbourhood amongst the gay people. But since we lived in Virginia, and it was the eighties, the striaght rednecks would try to run the monte, which was later named "rainbow thunder", off the road. So I moved to Seattle and have been here ever since. I feel very comfortable here. But I still miss not seeing the beautiful woman who befriended me when I was an outcast. By the way, if you're reading this, don't look at our ages because that will ruin the story. Zui I hope thats good enough. If not let me know. Now do me."

"The last time i was with with Zui we were hanging out coloring in the gi joe coloring books we had stolen from ihop the night before.i was putting my finishing touches on snake-eyes when she suggested we should go hit a baseball around.So we grabbed a bat,ball and glove and went down to our normal spot. On the walk down there Zui was telling me her passion for eating swedish fish and swimming in the great salt lake. As we approached our usually secluded spot we noticed 3 people were already there playing ball. Getting closer i realized the 3 people were none other than Thurston Moore, our president G.W and Joey Ramone! I told Zui we should just find a new place but she wasnt havin it. Before they even knew we were there Zui started yelling "WHATS UP BITCHES THIS IS OUR MOTHERFUCKING TURF". Before anybody even says anything GW pulled out an AK-47 and started firing at us yelling "who s-s-s-sent uh,uh,uh,uh you?" I jumped behind a tree. Zui started yelling some random battle crys and charged GW! She bitch slapped him in the face, tossed the gun aside, hit him in the balls with the bat and said "you shouldnt of fucked with a suicide grrrrl!" Then Thurston jumped on her back and started pulling her hair. Zui said "its time for a real teenage riot". She started spinning around so fast the two were blurry. Thurston couldnt hold on he had to of flew off a good quarter-mile away. Joey was the only one left he looked hesitant to attack. Zui yelled "come on" and Joey was like "fuck that" and ran away. As he was running away Zui yelled "whos punk rock now bitch!!!" it was over and Zui had kicked ass! I was still cowering behind the tree when zui ran up to me and asked me if i was alright. I said yes and gave her a big hug. I told her i was glad it was over and she said "fuckin republicans. Always startin shit!" We both laughed like at the end of a bad sitcom. We then hit the ball around until the sun went down. It was one day i'll never forget, and Zui is one tough suicide grrrrrrl !!!"

"Once upon a time there was a girl named ZUI.
and her dream above all dreams was to become a Dental Hygenist. Not just ANY Dental Hygenist, THE Dental Hygenist. Oh, how she dreamed and twirled as a young girl, thinking about how, one day, she would achieve her goal. So she grew older, plagued with thoughts of gleaming, shining pearlescent teeth. So when she came of age, she went to the emploment office and said, "Dear, sweet employment office man, I wish to be The Dental Hygenist. Pray Tell how I can achieve my calling." he sighed and said, "you have to go to school, take night classes for a year and take a really long dumb test just so you can clean people's dirty teeth."
to this, our story's heroine replied;
"Fuck that, I'm gonna be a Suicidegirl."
THE END"

"zui has a cute booty!

...reach for the stars."

"true story [this time ] : the first time i met zui .... ack .... it didnt go too well ... i had to go and tell her one of my stupid fish stories .. and she kicked my ass she owned me .. lemme tell ya this girlie girl is tough and she can bob and weave like muhamed ali .. shes may be be tiny but she can fight .. laid me out in a one two punch .. i wont make that mistake again .. no more telling of stupid fish stories about myself ... to anyone .. i learned my lesson the hard way ... zui is the best and thats it .... owww i think you broke something with that last punch luv ya babe "

"OK I think I got the hang of this now. Since I don't know Zui, I left a comically tragic story about my own random life. To amend to that, here is a completely true story about Zui that's just...yet to happen.

The Pointless Turtle Story, or, How I Met Zui

I met Zui moments before the head of Fox Broadcasting dropped dead at my feet. She was standing, statuesque, with a rather large turtle tucked under her arm. Now, rather than deal with the dead man at my feet, I chose to speak to her. "What's his name?" I asked. Zui replied, "you know, I don't know." Thus began the conquest to name the turtle.

And, as anyone knows, to name a turtle, you must first discover its origin. As is true with any great pet, bong, or personal belonging, knowing the story as to how it was willed into your state of being is vital in naming the beast once it's in your possession.

The backstory is as follows, and was told to us later, by God. Several other members of the story would have stepped forward to tell it, had they not disappeared in a puff of nonsense moments earlier.

The turtle was born in Guam. We know this, because shortly after Zui's much publicized Hunt for The Nameless Turtle, a Guamese man in his late 70's came forward as the turtles original owner. He and the turtle became aquainted as the man was looking for a source of food. But, rather than eat the turtle, as was high cuisine and custom for the Guamese people, the man felt guilty and let it stay in his home. Little did he realize that the turtle had a nasty habbit of sleep walking...or crawling as it were.

One night, while the Guamese man dreampt of sandmen and unicorns, the turtle went on his mission...to find food...to find love...to know this is to be a turtle yourself. Off he went, through desert and forrest, until morning broke and he sat for a nap. Sadly, he did so at the doorstep of an ill-fated Guamese subsidiary of the Maybalene Cosmetics Testing Group. How he escaped fate here was later attributed by three individuals who will remain nameless.

The men, known only as A B and C were a scientist, a product marketer, and an accountant, respectively. A found the turtle. "We should use our fall line on it" he said, "to know if it is harmful to turtles." "Nonsense," said B. "Its a well known fact that turtles don't WEAR cosmetics. We should use his face and painted shell to boost our image." But the accountant had the best idea of all. "Let's think on it. The turtle is beautiful and could sell our fall line. BUT if we test the fall line on the turtle and he likes it, then its a product he can get behind." "True" A and B replied. "However," said C, "we must not. For, if the product kills said turtle, he would make a poor representitive for the company." "Dead turtles don't sell make up," said B. He was then slapped by A and C.

While the three were commiserating, they had set the turtle down on a stack of papers. He was, after all, a turtle, and as such was notoriously good at keeping papers from blowing away. Unfortunately for A, B, and C, the company had hired an intern, D, whom, while not present to account for the turtle after Zui had conducted her extensive and well publicized Hunt for the Nameless Turtle, was very good at filing. He filed the papers under the turtle into folders 1, 2, and 3, and the turtle into a box, labeled "Turtle."

Months later, the company closed down. No one seemed to be doing anything more than reasoning anyway, and reasoning, while neccesary, gets very little done. As the company's belongings were packed up and shipped back to the Maybalene headquarters in New York, a certain box, containing a certain hungry turtle, went along for the ride. When it arived in New York, the company president tripped over the small but collectively haphazard contents of the failed Guamese testing lab while walking through the lobby, knocking him down to the ground, eye to eye with a certain turtle (who had surved by eating away at the cardboard box which had held him captive.)

"What the hell is this?" Said the president, and set the turtle aside. "Its a turtle, sir" said his intern, E, walking behind. Strangely, and by coincidence, this man's name really was E. He was then slapped. "I know its a damn turtle damnit. I wanted to know what the hell its doing here?" Now E, for a reason unbeknownst to anyone at all, saw this turtle as his opportunity to rise up the corporate ladder. "He's our new spokesturtle, sir." Said E. "I just discovered him working for Disney and snuck him out under my jacket." Now the president mulled, and hemmed, and hawed, as presidents tend to do, until finally, his brows became so well knit one might consider them a sweater. "Its....brilliant!" He laughed. "Those bastards don't know what they just lost!" And so, the turtle, still nameless, managed a light nap, his own office, a regular diet of celery and lettuce, 7 billboards, and a WB mid season replacement.

The Turtle Show was an immediate failure. And while E never rose any hire than executive producer, his moxy put a make up wearing mute turtle right in the center of American Primetime. But who could watch an animal that does little more than sleep, eat, and pee for half an hour once a week? The show was a disgrace, the president was bankrupted, and, while he considered eating the turtle for spite (as he was of native Guam decent), he threw it out on its ear. "Lousy bum."

Poor turtle...who could hire a mute animal thousands of miles from home...who still could ask it to hold the attention of mindless television viewers as though a sitcom based on watching him were a brilliant idea? The minute the turtle's ear hit the curb, he was scooped up by the Head of Fox Broadcasting. "Kid..." he said, "we're gonna make you a star." But the turtle did not reply, for it was a turtle and turtles do not talk.

After 3 seasons of the revamped Turtle Show, its steady fan base grew weary of not knowing the animal's name. And while Fox Broadcasting was renowned for its inane tv sitcoms, research and historical accuracy was not their strongpoint. "Well, we can't just NAME him." The president said to the board. "Like any pet, bong, or personal item, we need to know his history to give him a propper name. "BUT, we don't actually look up facts," reasoned the board. "Oh. That's true. Well...let's just name him Blinky." "But why?" asked the board. "Because," said the president, "that's all he ever does."

Blinky went on to become a silent shareholder of the Fox Broadcasting Corporation, and it wasn't until the ill-fated President had left him paperweighting a bar napkin with a "could be starlet's" number on it, that he realized that turtles like to wander.

"We're ruined!" Cried the drunken president. "And, he crawled off with that girl's number too! The bastard!"

Blinky slunk away, through ally's and slums, not to be seen for many months. And one day, a girl flouncing from salvage store to vintage in the East Villiage, came upon Blinky. "Hello there, what's your name?" The turtle said nothing. "I'm Zui." And so, Zui and the nameless turtle became friends, shopping together and spending hours of comfortable silence enjoying the zen of the universe. "Well, rather than name you," Zui said one day, "I should find out where you came from, so that your name has personality. You are, after all, either a pet, bong, or personal item...well...maybe not a bong..." She then began an extensive and well publicized Hunt for the Nameless Turtle on ABC TV, which went completely unnoticed by anyone working for Fox.

Meanwhile, the president of the Fox Broadcasting Company was not finished. He was, as minority shareholder, financially responsible for Fox, and, in the absense of the nameless turtle, he would be responsible for the immense damage a missing sitcom star would cause. He hired three private investigators and a neurologist, and promptly fired them. He then hired three men, an out of work accountant, scientist, and product marketer who claimed they could do the job with reasoning.

"Find me that turtle!" He cried, and they all felt a shudder of deja vu. They got to work and argued long into the night, and it wasn't until they retraced their steps that they discovered a homeless man, sleeping on the stoop of the Maybalene Cosmetics Testing Groups. "Sir," they said, "we are looking for a turtle." "That's strange," said the old man, "so am I."

Having discovered a considerable and highly coincidental lead in their own Hunt for the Nameless Turtle, they brought the Guamese man back to New York for questioning. He sat before the president of the Fox Broadcasting Company and was unable to tell him the whereabouts of the turtle. Rather, he told him that turtles make exellent companions, and marginal paperweights, which was now common knowledge to the president. "Get out, you bum!" Hollered the president, and threw him out on his ear.

It was only coinincidence that the Guamese man fell squarely on Zui, and the turtle in her arms. "There you are," he cried. At last I've found you. Be aware, an angry and pointless man is looking for you, my ----. And with that, the man passed out. Alcohol is, after all, the second greatest Guamese cuisine.

"I wonder what his name is," said Zui, and stepped over the man, neverminding.

Second guessing his angry outburst, the Fox President ran from his office followed closely by A, B, and C, and tripped over the Guamese man. As he fell to the ground, and I happened to walk by, Zui stood statuesque. "That's him!" "What's his name?" I asked. "You know, I don't know," responded Zui. "Yes, what is his real NAME?!?" the president hollered.

But before he received any answer satisfactory enough, the President of Fox Broadcasting was crushed by a steamroller, as is the way of the universe. "Wh...what...?" Said the Guamese man, waking from his nap. "His name? Oh. Well that's simple. I scratched it backwards, on his belly."

Turning him over, Zui read the letters, Y-K-N-I-L-B. "Yknilb?" Zui asked. "Backwards, backwards!" said the Guamese man, "In case he was to forget and needed to look in a mirror" (unbeknownst to me, turtles are very vein creatures.)

All of a sudden, the man, the steamroller, the intern, the Maybalene president, the scientist, the product marketer, the accountant, and the intern, and the crushed body of the Fox Broadcasting Head all vanished in a puff of nonsense. "READ it backwards!" came a voice from above.

"Oh," said Zui. "His name is Blinky." "That's odd." I thought. For that is my name as well.


THE END.



If you read all that, and it actually makes sense...STOP DOING DRUGS. If it doesn't, START."

"I first became aware of the Z.ui at a robotics conference in Japan last year. An amazing piece of engineering. What, you didn't know "she" was a robot? Oh, I see. Yes. You thought such a figure was natural? Right. Well yes, it is an impressive shell. Well executed. The access panels masked as "tattoos" were particularly inspired. I believe they were one student's entire dissertation -- certainly, several patents pending. You see how carefully placed? Yes, of course being metal they are cold to the touch, although the rest of the "skin" is thankfully not. I agree. The eyes are the real giveaway, but I don't know what can be done about it. They certainly are too penetrating to be human -- that's the problem with those expensive broad spectrum sensors. Yes, that's exactly why she never looks directly at the camera without filters -- the IR lasers would ruin a CMOS in second, and forget about traditional film with that much UV flooding. But I guess the ruse was enough to convince even you. The Z.ui group members were vague enough about the long-range goals, although I think I've heard they get a lot of their money from DARPA. She'd be one heck of an assassin-bot -- I would certainly be happy to die at her hands."

"One day, when Zui used to work at the grocery store, a lady came in by herself and did some shopping. She got a cart and proceded to get the following items... a dozen carrots, a box of lucky charms, a bottle of white zinfandel, a pound of coffee, some advil, a dozen eggs and some cherry flavored chapstick. She got into Zui's line and while Zui was checking her groceries, she said, "You must be single, aren't you?"
The woman said, "Why yes! How did you know?"
Zui replies, "Because you're ugly.""