hmm. so many things have changed. and nothing at all has changed. pretty uninspiring, eh?? i've been having very bad panic attacks. i've had them before, but nothing; NOTHING like these. i ended up in the ER 3 times last week alone, my doctor and my other doctor (i have many doctors; but not as many as when i needed... er... more pain medication than was strictly legal) and all of these professionals are at a complete loss as to what in the name of God is wrong with me. they drew my blood, they X-rayed my chest, they stuck those weird things all over me (EKG test or something like that) and found absolutely everything is in its right place and doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing. however; my lungs seem to be offended with all these reports that they are just fine and are working harder than ever to prove everyone wrong.
i have discerned no pattern whatsoever. it happens when it happens. i am not necessarily nervous about anything at all and bam, i can't breathe. i dont know if anyone reading this is familiar with a full-on panic attack; i certainly wasn't, but you literally can not breathe. it's exactly like someone of considerable weight is sitting on your chest pressing a pillow over your mouth and nose. 2 days ago i ended up on the floor in a hospital gown gasping and hyperventilating and sobbing. it is a very frightening feeling. i have long believed that drowning would be the worst way to die. i have now decided that suffocating is at least tied. i am terrified to go anywhere or do anything because what if it hits me while i'm behind the wheel of my car?? what the hell am i going to do?? needless to say, i've been spending a lot of time in this room. it is a boring place. one window. beige walls. cigarette burns on the carpet. i look out of the window a lot. at least there is a tree. sometimes there are even birds. it is pretty pathetic stuff when the highlights of your day have been reduced to maybe seeing a sparrow flit past your window or a passing airplane. still, better safe than sorry.
the whole panic shit aside; i am in some real serious need of good advice. i have been divorced since 2006, ok? since it's now 2010, you'd think i'd be if not over it; at least getting there. i can't do it. i think about him every day. i tried dating another man; a man i hold in very high esteem, a very attractive man, and i can't do it. i had to end it because i couldn't feel anything. it's like i died or something. i never hear from my exhusband. an old ex friend contacted me recently even though i cant stand her and through her i now am aware that my exhusband is engaged and has a baby on the way. i don't know what is wrong with me; i dont know why this is affecting me so bad. nobody has ever had this much power over me and it's killing me. i sent him a small message on Facebook wishing him a happy birthday late last month and got nothing back. in fact, the last time i heard from him, he was really quite cruel. very cruel indeed. and i dont understand why. i would admit it if i had wronged him in any way; but it was him who cheated on me; it was him who introduced me to addiction, and it was him who abandoned me. so why do i still care about him?
i love him. and i hate him. two of the strongest emotions there are. with the possible exception of jealousy.
i dont know why i'm writing this. or what i'm looking for. i can't think of a cure or anything. i just wish.. i wish i could get over him as easily as he got over me. i guess i am pretty forgettable. i feel stuck. i cant move on. i never got any closure; i never got anything. ah hell. i'm going to read a bit and try to go to sleep. maybe i'll have a good dream. i'm glad i figured out how to get back on here, anyway. it took forever to get my password.
i'm so envious of women who are strong and confident and who have their shit together. i'm just lost. and i'm blonde again. just wanted to change something.

tonight. 630pm. trent reznor. dave navarro. nine inch nails. jane's addiction. *prays* dear Jesus don't let me pass out or throw up or anything else indecent. must be calm. CALM.
this isn't working.
anybody have any xanax they can throw at me real fast???

heeheehee HALLOWEEN HAVANA ^o^ yum yum yum














best dang Halloween i've had in 75 years.

it was raining last night. that helps me sleep. i swear klonopin is a placebo.
yeah, sometimes i have insomnia. i used to take xanax for it. haha. can't do THAT anymore. so i guess i'll just do without sleep. sometimes.
that's one of the oldest forms of torture; you know. sleep deprivation.
*sighh* if it weren't for this sick obsession with the Twilight saga, i might be upset. have you read Twilight? no? do. i personally insist. i would lend you my copy but i don't think you could pry it from my fingers.
so do vampires exist? sure. i think so. why not? i can't with absolute certainty say "no", so... sure. i choose to believe that they do. what the hell. people have certainly chosen stranger things to believe in.
haha. do i believe in God? ummm.... that's a slippery question. i think i'm gonna dodge that one.
but i believe that there is a Heaven, so i MUST believe in some sort of omniscient deity. yes; i strongly believe in Heaven. and i KNOW without a doubt that there is a hell.
sometimes i wonder what exactly would happen if the Fallen Angel *Lucifer... the bearer of light, incidentally* were to change his ways and return to God and beg forgiveness. "and a light shineth in the darkness, and the darkness comprehended it not."
-the Gospel according to St. John 1:5.
strange.
been trying to wrap my mind around the concept of eternity and forever and infinity. every once in a while something happens and triggers this. and i go mad for a few months trying and failing to figure it all out.
i wonder what my thread looks like in the Fates loom. who can say it doesn't exist? i wonder where it's leading. where i am destined to go. i believe in destiny and fate. absolutely. i believe in angels. i wish i could see them.
hmm. maybe i have. how would i know? of course; if they appeared in their angelic forms, i would be terrified.. but maybe possibly they can appear in human forms if circumstances call for it.
i wonder if i have a guardian angel. if i do, i imagine i must be something of a disappointment.
can angels feel disappointment? love for creatures like us? can they despise us? or are we just sort of cattle to them?
i wish i knew more about these things.
but if i did, well... it probably wouldn't help with my insomnia problems.
i really need to procure a job. when i am working i have less time to consider these things. and that's for the best. when i have a job, i find my mind is often happy to bitch and moan about my coworkers and my boss and the work i have to do... trivial things. small things. i can.. well.. not FORGET the Big Picture, but i can shove it aside to make room for the daily grind. idle hands are the devil's playground.
or something like that, anyway.
oh shoot. i'm running out of cigarettes.
*grumble grumble*

nomnomnom. yeah. i AM that hardcore. i EAT my nicotine. RAW. i drawed this in the wee hours the night before last. i love this set (Jinkies!) and i love this shot of Keely and Elsie.

oh my god. oh my god.
Elsie, where ever you are now, i am not crying for you. i know that you are no longer in pain, and that you are finally whole and healthy and well. i know this because i have to. i have to because otherwise i will go insane.
i hung out with you ONE time. and that was all it took. you took a bite out of my heart. i can still remember perfectly how appealing your laugh was. how contagious. how happy and stupidly proud of myself i felt that i could make you laugh like that. even though the booze probably had something to do with it.
i know that you are in another place. a much more beautiful place than this one. and where you are now; you have made that place brighter and more beautiful just with your spirit.
i wish i wish i wish that you could have stuck around for a few more decades. selfish. i am so selfish.
my entire being is crying out in anguish for your family and your loved ones. because i only got a little taste. you were enmeshed in their lives and tangled so tightly i cannot imagine the ache of loss they are enduring.
i am praying for you.
i have to believe there is a purpose to this. for such a tiny little thing; you were so infectious. i love you.
i am praying for you.
i wish i could hug you just one more time.

holy hell!! i finally got a video posted, guys!!!
three cheers for ME!!!!!!!!
YAYZ!!!
^-^
insert booty dance

HM. i figured out how to sell on ebay (i am a notorious packrat) and i posted 10-11 things that i thought would really go quick.
???
okay, yeah, i am a novice at ebay. i have bought stuff; but i've never SOLD. i am, truth be told, kind of terrified of being ripped off somehow and the things i am selling are really nice.
SO... maybe some more experienced internet sellers have some tips? i wouldn't ask, it is not my intention to be rude at all; but i NEED to get rid of a lot of things since i am moving in less than a week. and i just want to sell the wedding and engagement rings because they're a reminder that Disney lied to me my whole life.
fuck, i think about my ex all the time anyway; i don't need to keep staring at the box and putting on the rings and remembering the past.
the rest of my stuff is bebe, XOXO, true religion, express, jessica mcclintock, lipservice, a couple of pairs of effing DEVILISH corsets and pleaser platforms and knee-high black boots.
ya know? cool shit. very nice, well taken care of, in most cases worn once...
sigh. ???
help? here are a few of the things i am selling... god; there is a TON.

QUEUE ME!!!! PLEASE!!!
the Dirty Show was fun. i got to meet Annisa and Suri and Eric Kroll. i also managed to dance in a cage on the last day of the show without falling out or gouging out my eye or anything! for a klutz who pretends to be graceful; this is no mean feat.
i got to see Vivid on one of the days; but she has been sick (booo). the art was neat; Martin Schrieber was selling prints of Madonnas first nudes; back when she was like 16ish. i got to meet and talk to him as well.
i noticed that he and Mr Kroll were never without a cigar.
i notice these things; even when i am exceedingly drunk.
speaking of exceeding drunkenness; THANK YOU THANK YOU BLESS YOU Annisa and Suri for watching out for me on Valentines Day. i drank a bit too much in waaay too short a time and wound up more drunk than i have been since my wedding day.
HA
so then a few days ago there was the Tattoo Convention. i managed to make it for the last day and i saw a few people i knew, which was pretty awesome. i wanted so badly to get inked; but my good sense persevered (feel free to be amazed. i am) and i didn't even buy anything. although there was a rather fetching bathing suit that caught my eye; black with white skull & crossbones.. and some of the jewelry was interesting too. i was surprised i found my way out and back to the correct parking garage all by myself.
it was rad to see Meow and Durb again. i love Meow's hair. and face. i am so jealous. Annisa and Alissa were there; but i guess i showed up too late and missed them. =/
oh well.
if all goes well, i will be at Havana this month, and Vivid will be feeling fit and good times will be had by all.
damn it is HARD to go to a tattoo expo and see hundreds of people getting inked and leaving with nothing new.
grr.
Annisa and me at Dirty
Mr Kroll and me at Dirty
haha you can't see it but i am wearing a tutu!!

BOOM BOOM BOOM
argh. fuck you snow!! FUCK YOOOOU!!! yesterday i fell down the porch steps again. is it MY FAULT nobody salted them?? no. is it MY FAULT i live in michigan?? well, sorta. IS IT MY FAULT, I ASK YOU; THAT I NEEDED A COFFEEEEE TO START MY DAY?? MY MISERABLE, ROTTEN DAY??? NO.
but STILL, for my pains, i get more pains. i SWEAR i am not really that clumsy. in fact, i can be graceful. but i have just recently started trying this new thing i heard about; Walking With Your Head Up So You Aren't Staring At The Dirt All The Time.
so i wasn't looking down.
crash.
ow.
like i need more bruises. god almighty. i bruise easily enough. something DID crack in my back, though, and i notice that it feels BETTER now. *shrugs* odd.
i haven't written anything on here in what seems like ages; but it has only been less than a month since all that shit went down.
i am feeling better. thank you all who read my bullshit self-pity for your good thoughts. i really am done with boys though. and i think when *if* i DO get into a RELATIONSHIP again, it will most likely be with someone who is at least 10 years older than i am. i don't like the men/boys my age. they all seem to be the same person with slightly different facial features. selfish and rotten to the core. me me me me.
blech. little boys in their 30s make me want to vomit. when i want a child i will adopt. when i want a fuck, i will find a man. or a woman.

what can i say?
i took a risk. i took a chance.
what can i say in my defense?
that ten years ago we had a relationship.
we were together for four years. we had something.
but time has a way of distorting things
and sometimes you only remember what you want to remember.
what can i say?
that i emailed him over a year ago and we began telling each other things?
what can i say?
that he told me i was the only girl he ever loved.
and all he has wanted all these years was to have another chance with me.
he came here to visit over christmas.
he lives in delaware.
he told me he was single. that he loved me.
he did things to me.
and i did things to him.
i trusted him because i wanted to so badly, you see.
do you see?
he is a liar. he is in a relationship. he is a cheater.
he knew everything. everything that i have been through.
because i laid all my cards on the table and left nothing up my sleeve.
because when i trust you with my life, i do it for a reason.
i believe what you say.
he knew about my uncles death..
and my situation with my father..
and my grandmothers failing health.
he knew everything about me because i wanted to hold nothing back.
there can be no relationship without trust.
without honesty, all that is left are lies.
he listened so well. such sympathy behind those eyes.
and out of spite, cruelty, inhumanity
he lured me into his bed and used my own feelings against me.
like a trap.
like revenge.
for his benefit.
i feel sick.
i hope his girl knows what she is in for.
because i do.
pain.
pain.
pain.
i escaped a marriage a few months ago
from a man who used my feelings and my heart
and my love
against me.
and alan said he wanted to kill him for what he had done to me.
but the two are the same.
different faces
but both monsters in sheeps clothing.
i hope his girl knows what she is up against.
pain.