PICS
all of this.
my whole life.
i dont know.
i hate where i live. i hate the circumstances that are controlling my life. i hate this.
the thing is, i could change it. i could change it drastically. but im afraid. i could buy an airline ticket one way to LA, but where would i live? what would i do about my medication? how would i get a job? a car?
i could do it.
but i dont know yet if the pros outweigh the cons.
its getting close. and so tempting. pack a few suitcases, im good at that. lots of practice. buy a one way ticket out of this whole mess. start my life someplace else.
if i had a job secured out there i would go right now. fuck the cosmetology degree. i dont care about it anymore. i dont care about much of anything anymore. not since my husbands true colors emerged.
i just dont care.
and people around here would say 'oh she always was a little crazy, you know. tsk. what a shame. i heard she fell apart with her marriage and took off to LA. poor thing. she must be crazy.'
maybe i am crazy. thats a stupid word anyway. everybodys crazy to a degree. i just have too many bad memories here. and to be honest; 400 miles isnt enough distance between me and him. LA might be far enough. i want to leave it all behind. but its like driving down the sun. i know no matter where i end up, at some point ill have to look in the mirror again and come to terms with whatever it is thats looking back at me.
i just cant be here anymore. maybe i will stick it out to the end of cos school. maybe i wont. i dont honestly know if i can stay here until january.
i need to go far away and get my own life together. i dont need anyone else to do that for me. and thats what is happening. that is exactly what is going on. my life is not my life. it belongs to my mother, basically. because she has the car and she has the house and she has the control. i have to ask for a ride to the store if i need tampons.
and i hate michigan.
this is not my home.
mark my words, i will not be in this state by this time next year. i swear it. theres nothing to keep me here anymore. i need to do what i need to do in order to be happy. all i ever wanted was to be happy.
its been a rough 20 years.
AUG 26, 2007 04:47 PM
The_Boss
I'm lost
June 2007
AUG 26, 2007 05:46 PM
AUG 26, 2007 07:07 PM
my dear, i hope that things turn out for you. no matter how dark things are, be sure that you've made arrangements to live happily and take care of yourself when you do leave. it's hard to wait but it's the best course of action. meanwhile, take care and know that i'm thinking positive thoughts for ya. 
you are a beautiful and strong woman, otherwise you wouldn't have the title of SG so fast.
and if you go out to LA, maybe swing by little old albuquerque, nm on the way out. of course i am hoping to not be here next year, too... meh. the 'get out of town' syndrome is hitting a lot of people of late, you're not the only one. hang tight, look for acquaintances in LA to help you get out. itsy suicide moved to nm. wasn't the best arrangement but she's making it ok now i hear... messy, but it worked. just be careful to care for #1 when the chips come down, k? that's all that matters.
OntotheNext
USA
April 2006
AUG 26, 2007 10:01 PM
AUG 26, 2007 10:46 PM
Perhaps you should take off to somewhere other than LA. Apparently you did it before, and it hasn't helped as much as you would have liked.
Not Vegas. 
Wolfgang_
I'm lost
March 2007
AUG 27, 2007 03:52 AM
AUG 27, 2007 07:30 AM
Ya gotta go where you feel will be happy girl, or you'll go nuts. Close the chapter of the mundane, open a new chapter of adventure. So jump online, look for a job out there, get one, and follow your heart, cuz I take it that anything would better than now
Great comment on my blog by the way, LMAO!!!!
AUG 27, 2007 09:33 AM
No, I'm not making use of ceilings, in study or bedroom. I used to. At the time I had a thing for celebrity fakes. I had a dozen above my bed.
You see, my usual routine was to wake up, roll over and go back to sleep. The celeb fakes would catch me mid-roll, and I'd end up playing with myself until I was too awake to go back to sleep.
It worked great... until my eyesight went. *sigh*
AUG 27, 2007 04:16 PM
