For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).
This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy."
Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).
Would you swallow the pill?

the HITLER'S SKULL Question:

Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.
Which option do you select?

Question:
Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.
What do you talk about?

Recovery House:
"Had a conversation the other day with two guys about eating out and I was thinking "How is this conversation not about sex yet?" They were seriously just talking about restaurants and I was thinking about pussy."

It's not funny. I'm the only one in a house full of men that is constantly thinking about sex.
And they're not just trying to be polite; I smirk when someone makes a dual-meaning comment and they just look oblivious. All of them.
How many guys live here?
Uhmm.... six. ((Seven? I actually don't know.))

The point is, I think I'm going crazy.

NUDITY IN EXCHANGE FOR THE CANUCKS WINNING.
That's the new deal.

When the Canucks win, I'll get naked.

Last night:
"Shit, I was totally going to take my shirt off if we won."
"Uhm, You could still take it off."

Incentive.

I am in your house!!!
((in your bed, actually, and one of your cats is in here too))
drinking your beer!!!
and watching your hockey!!!

Epic winning like fuck up in here.



P.S.
Anticipating some new tattoo work tomorrow or the day after that.
I will be completely covered in no time at this rate.


DOUBLE OVERTIME
when the Canucks end this
I will show you my boobies

Fuckin hell. I was getting all excited to whip em out.
Oh well. Wait till I finish my beer.