Currently, I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling, or what state of mind I'm in. I'm dumbfounded, confused, boggled, shaken...

I'm seeing people in a way that I've never seen them in before, lately. And I'm starting to feel a bit jaded, and I don't really like it. I've always tried to see people through rose colored glasses. I've even been maybe somewhat naive about people for a long time...probably my whole life. I've empathized and made excuses for anyone and everyone, becase I've always felt that everyone deserves that. And I also felt connected to the world in a positive way.

But now, I'm not sure. Instead of feeling connected, I feel alienated...no, I literally feel like a fucking alien. I am struggling hard to empathize for almost anyone at this point. The glasses are off, and I'm not liking what I see... and I want to put them back on, and live in Wonderland. One side of me simply can't reach it right now, and the other side isn't even trying to, because it thinks I need to see this. I need to observe realistically, and not idealistically. And that idealistic part of me keeps tugging at me like an upset little child...like a child who has seen a horror movie "Turn it off! Turn it off!"
Put something happy on, my eyes can't handle this.
It doesn't want to believe that what I'm seeing is real. It's in a total state of denial.
This other part of me though, is standing behind, holding my child self by the shoulders in clear view gently but firmly forcing it to see what is to be known. It must see it to truly grow.
She will cry for awhile, not wanting to accept, hurt by it all,
but in time, it will only help her.

Right?

I don't know how to write heavy feelings like a normal person. Analogies, metaphors are all that can aid me in making sense of how I actually feel. So I apologize if it comes across as dramatic or just plan cheesy.

I'm reaching a point of acceptance for my current feelings and situations though... I think. It's difficult to say one way or another when my two sides are in disagreeance with each other a lot. BUT, they are also connecting in a way they haven't before...

I digress. Acceptance...my only question though is what next? I am endlessly experiencing things, and much more on an internal level than anything, that is constantly rearranging my entire outlook on EVERYTHING, and just when I think I'm getting a break where I can just ENJOY...there's another thing to be seen, and learned, and re-evaluated, changing, changing always changing. And I've been begging for fucking ever, for just a little consistency. It doesn't have to be there permanently. Just long enough so I can rest. I wouldn't want things to be consistent ON a consistent basis anyway...I'd get bored, and I am well aware of that. But really, I'm just tired, so fucking tired.

Fortunately, with what I have been experiencing lately, has along with it brought something new, and foreign to my life: a little bit of self-love and real esteem. I am actually, legitimately starting to think I might not be the horrible person I thought I was. I might actually be decent. Ha! What's tough for me though, is actually acknowledging that and saying that...for some reason, I almost have an aversion to letting myself love myself, and perhaps it is because I have seen how hung up people get on themselves and I'm phobic of it. I never want to be that way. So, I think I'm comfortable with where I'm at right now in that respect, because I don't hate myself, but I also don't think I'm that great either. I like this middle-ground. It feels reasonable.

I think.

Really, I'm just free-writing. Spouting shit out even if it doesn't make sense, I don't care, I just badly need to sift through my brain right now...and I could write this in my personal journal, but perhaps I'm seeking for someone to make sense of my language and forward something...not advice...not comfort... something real. Something true. That's what I want. I don't want to be held and loved, and I don't want to be guided. Just honesty. Or, personal experiences maybe? I don't actually know, but I do know what I don't want out of sharing my thoughts.

Now that I've gotten all that off my chest, a bit of lighter material to follow!

First of all this,


that dog is my knight in shining armor, TRULY.






Why is Michael's leg in a brace you say? Torn meniscus, (however the fuck you spell that), and ACL.. needs surgery! This leg situation has actually had a huge impact on us(not a bad one!). Which is a whole other story.

I haven't had a lot of fun happy things go on lately, unfortunately.
But there have been a couple things. Being touched by the kindness of my neighbor Susan. I bought her a colorful bouquet of flowers in thanks of her kindness.

And, I tattooed my first upper arm yesterday And the line work turned out WAY better than I expected. I doubt myself a lot, so it was nice to give myself a reason not to as much.

He was so pleased with the tattoo and gave me 80 bucks (which as an apprentice who can't charge for their work, is an awesome tip...especially when you're as broke as I am!).

I'm treating myself to some new underwear. I forgot how much just wearing a cute bra and panties can make me feel so much better. I feel outwardly sexier, when I'm wearing something adorable underneath my clothes. And I've heard a lot of women say that, but I totally totally forgot how true it is.

Now, for the day. on the agenda,
underwear shopping,
letting a friend's dogs out while she's away which will be adorable,
and catching up on my personal journal since I failed to write in it yesterday.

OH! and I made a new friend Well. I don't want to get ahead of myself... I am attempting to form a friendship. I won't call anyone a friend until I know them better. But I have high hopes for this girl!

Re-connected with old friends, too, that DON'T cause me stress. *ahem*.

Got my fishing license too! So pumped.

that's the main stuff I suppose.

OH AND! I lied. one more thing! I faced my crippling fear of clowns and watched the movie IT in its entirety and WITHOUT crying or freaking out OR having nightmares that night! I actually kind of really liked the movie....so pleased with myself for that




and that's my life lately.


xoxoxox