I would love to write something wonderful about how after my last post (my b-day) things have been on a pretty pink cloud and I am not close to falling. Unfortunately, that pretty pink cloud is not in exsistence right now and I am flying towards the earth at a very rapid pace. Fuck. I keep hoping 2006 will turn around but thus far.....

A person I care very very much about, James Cornell, was in a very bad accident while racing on the Isle of Man TT and is currently still in a coma out on the Isle. He seems to be improving but there is no way to tell when and if he will wake up. I need to accept the fact that James might not come home but I refuse to accept that because I cannot imagine my life without him in it. When I am not working, I am working on fundraising committees to help send him home and take care of his bills, it is looking to cost roughly $50k, yes, you read that right, just to get him transfered back to the states. (BTW, care to donate or want more info on this person? Click on the link) I have never been through anything this difficult in my life. I would give all of my earthly possessions, fuck that, anything in the world, just to know that he will wake up and he will be okay and he will still be James. I can handle feeling helpless but not this helpless. I have been trying to get out to the Isle to see him. I know I would be just as helpless there but it would make me feel better to hold his hand, kiss his forehead, just see him and be with him and since he is responding to voice stimulai, hope that maybe I could do something. Unfotunately, this is not an option right now due to the fact that I am BROKE AS FUCK. My boss, at my shitty low paying job, has decided to cut my hours, stating I am too stressed to work, though I do not see how he can say this since I have been doing my job just as good as ever, which means that not only can I not go out to see James, but I now have the stress of worrying if I am able to pay my rent. So now I am in the process of attempting to find another job (which I needed to do anyways but I hate scrambling to find something). Ugh. And not only am I dealing with all of this with James, I am still grieving for a friend who two weeks ago went down on his motorcycle on 101, and the bastard behind him ran him over because they were following to closely. He died instantly. Note to people: I and many of my friends ride motorcycles. Please, give us some space. Remember, it is much more dangerous for us than it is for you. The one nice thing, hell, the only nice thing about this entire sitation is the friendships that are blossoming in this time of crisis. While James and I were close, there were certain aspects of his life I did not want to intrude in, even though I was probably welcome to. Two of those were the San Francisco Motorcycle Club and the Vampires Motorcyle Club in which he is a member of both. I have never met a nicer more caring group of people. I count my blessings to be surrounded by these folk.

I do not know what is going to happen. I have learned the lesson that life is a fragile thing and you never know how much you love a person until you might not be able to ever express that to them. I know it may be cheesy but I stress to you all, if you love someone, tell them, screw all the fears that come along with it, whether it be friendship or more, that should not be held back. Until the next time:

WAKE UP JAMES!!!!!!!!!!

Well, 2 hours and 54 minutes in, it has been a good birthday thus far. The year has been off to a decent start as well. NYE was fucking fabulous, though I saw and heard a few too many people I know having sex though that is what you get when you bartend at a fetish party. My friends gave me a gorgeous bouquet of roses for my birthday and another friend gave me a silk asian style lantern. I love my friends, they treat me so well. I wish I had more to update about but, alas, it is 3 am and my brain is reaching that point in which is ceases to function correctly.

Happy Tuesday all and happy birthday to me!

Trillian
xoxoxoxo

I survived x-mess, I look back at it now and I do not know how I did it. This was the first year that I was not able to spend x-mess with my mother and it put me in a shitty mood. On x-mess eve, some waste of human matter mugged my mother in a parking lot, attempting to steal her purse. He hit her hard enough to give her a concusiion, a broken nose, and she was bleeding behind her eye. She had to restrict her movement to make sure pressure did not build up and to make sure a clot formed. Thankfully, other than being in pain, she is for the most part okay now. I just got home from taking her to her most recent appointment with the optimologist. Her eye is healing nicely though there is some nerve damage on the right side of her face and she has little feeling left in it. The doctors are not sure how much feeling will ever come back, if it is a pinched nerve, it should come back eventually, if it is too damaged, she is going to have to get used to not much feeling on that side of her face. All in all, this incident made for a kind of fucked holiday for my family.

I have decided this year not to make resolutions, except for one. A friend and I were talking the other day about relationship stuff, she told me this story. Her girlfriend and her a currently taking a break and my friend's mind all of a sudden turned very negative and she began thinking about all of the horrible things that would happen due to this, how it would end horribly and that there was no hope. She stopped what she was doing for a second and thought, why is it that we automatically think about how things will turn horrible but never about a possible wonderful outcome. She decided then and there to change her thinking. Instead of thinking of how horrible things will turn out, she now thinks about how something positive might happen. I have decided to change my thinking in the same was. I know I can be quite negative, more so in the past couple months with all of the shit that has happened.

Now, here is a lesson in irony that will hopefully put a smile on everyone's face:
I was walking down the back stairs to my apartment the other day and managed to fall down them, landing on my ankle and sliding down on my butt. What was I doing at the time? I was carrying a pair of crutches to the trash. Hurray for the clutzes of the world. Unite!

To everyone on SG, my wish to you and yours:

May your best days of 2005 be the worst days of 2006!

-any resolutions for this new year coming up?
-what are your plans for NYE?

Trillian
xoxoxoxo

(a midnight kiss, a little early, yes, but I will be so busy tomorrow there will be no time for an update)

Whoever wrote the song "It's the most wonderful time of the year" needs to die a horrible and painful death. I am talking knives, acid, snake pits, torture.

Normally, while I am not the largest fan of x-mess, I enjoy buying presents for friends and family, which makes me enjoy the holiday a little bit more. I am an extravegent gift giver, my famly has never had much money so I enjoy buying them the expensive gifts that they would never expect to recieve, watching their faces light up. I bought my mother and her husband a trip to disneyland one year, things like that.

But this year, oh this year, no, not happening. I am barely going to make rent and I am going to recieve help with that from my grandparents. I am working all these small side jobs but nothing that is bringing in much money. We draw names and buy a present for someone in our family, outside of buying gifts for the 'rents and siblings; I just returned from the hell that is the mall on x-mess eve eve to buy a pair of fancy slippers for my grandfather whose name I drew out of a hat and the entire time I was there I could not wait to leave, not just because I despise malls but the fact that I could not shop around and buy my friends and family all the gifts that I want to buy them. I know it is materialistic and everyone understands that they will not be recieving presents from me until sometime in late January but it is something that I enjoy doing, So bah humgug!

On a happier note, many friends are in town for the holiday and it will be wonderful to see all of them and tonight is PopRoxx at DNA Lounge which is one of my favorite parties. Bored tonight in SF, come on by, more info is located here: DNA Lounge.

Happy Chanu-Holi-Kwan-Mas!



Trillian
xoxoxoxo

I love:

my friends
hot girls
hot bois
that mike relm is playing at dna tonight
good music
fucking around online
new video games
fancy lavender salt scrub that makes my skin soft and smell pretty
that disneylands nightmare before x-mas kicks ass
pirates of the caribbean
all of you people that continue to check on my journal when i do not update for months
good movies
horrible brilliant movies
harry potter
my mom's new puppy
son of a witch
that thump radio closed before 5am last night
horrible evil managers that make my brain hurt but cause me to laugh while doing it

what do you love?

Trillian
xoxoxoxo

It has to be one of the longest couple weeks in history, it seems like the shit has hit the fan since I returned from burningman.

-I got deathly ill
-My mother and her husband are getting a divorce
-I got sick yet again
-I did not get the job I wanted
-My godbrother died
-And yet again....sick

A few other things in there but I am trying not to dwell on it too much.

Some wonderful and insistent friends have decided to drag me with them to LA for a few days while they are down here for work and this is a much needed vacation.

I am sitting in a hotel in burbank right now, it is a gorgeous day, and for the first time ever that i have been in LA I have more money than for just neccessary items. Yay!

So all you LA folks, check your group for a message from me. For everyone else that continues to comment in my journal and e-mail me and ask if I am okay when I do not update my journal for long periods of time...thank you very much, it means more than you can know.

Enough of that sappy shit! I need some coffee!



Trillian

xoxoxoxoxo

So very sick for the past three weeks.

Bronchitis bordering on pnemonia and I have this horrible feeling that it may have turned into full blown pnemonia after working outside at the club this weekend.

Ohhhh I feel horrible. Think of happy times at burning man and pretend this is not happening.

I hate not having health insurance.

The free clinic told me to go to the ER if I got worse after my antibiotics are done but I cannot afford it. If I do not feel better tomorrow then maybe...

Must stay awake. Must stay awake!

I have to take the housemate to the airport in an hour and a half and it would be worthless to sleep. Time to down the redbull sitting on the coffee table.

Hmmmm, time to regale with drunken stories because I know you are all so looking forward to it.

One particular night at the club has been...well....kind of bloody. People drink and then fight and then some poor schmoe has to have the ambulance called to take him away due to head injuries. Though on a happier note, one of the regular house nights is no more. Hallelujiah. I do not mind house, as long as it is not the poppy diva lounge house that they played all night long. Gahhhhh, I am soooooo happy it is gone!!!!

Went to drunken monkey last night and played drunken monkey truth or dare jenga which was way to much fun. Instead of the regular lame truth or dare items they have on the tile, we have invented our own, such as....balance on a keg, dance on the bar, grab the boob of the person closest to you...etc.

I have my first regular bartending gig which starts next week. It is going to be interesting. I will be on the balcony and hopefully I will make some extra cash but we shall see.

Getting ready for burning man (where in the hell does time go?) and I am kicking myself in the ass for not buying a ticket when I actually was getting a steady paycheck and speaking of that, someone at unemployment is going to pay if I do not get my check soon.

Time to go chug some redbull. Happy wednesday/thursday all!!!!



Trillian
xoxoxoxo

-what ticks you off the most?
-what do you do to relax?
-what is the last thing you watched on tv/movie?

Last night was PopRoxx and I had to work the ticket take, aka: sitting and reminding people which is their left wrist so you can stamp it, so I missed out on much of the party which was disappointing considering it is one of the few that I will dance at. But yes, I am working at DNA again and again you will be able to take pleasure in reading about the drunken people and the stupid things they do to make me throw them out strories. Here is one from last night:

It was our friends birthday so instead of throwing him out we stuck him on a couch upstairs to sober up enough to walk the couple blocks home. This friend was having a fight with gravity and as usual in these cases, gravity was winning. When I was finally free to check out how he was doing he was in his happy drunk stage: his head was literally in a garbage can, swinging back and forth to the beat of the music and tapping the sides of the can to the beat as well. Thankfully he was not vomitting at that particular time but he had recently (judging by the smell) and would again. It had to be the most disgusting and simetaneously adorable thing I have ever seen.

Also, if you have never heard of the oh so wonderful DJ, Mike Relm, look him up. Some of the best mixes I have ever heard.

Happy Sunday all!



-what kind of underware do you wear?
-what do you sleep in?
-what is in your cd player right now?

Trillian
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Been awhile huh? Sorry.

So many things have been going on and as soon as I seem to go to update, another thing has happened and I haven't had the energy or the time but now I have more time than I know what to do with (see bottom of entry) and I will be on more often. So...in the past couple months.....

-I was on crutches for a week , I was walking down the hill to my car from school and twisted the living hell out of my ankle. I have never been on crutches before and I hope to never again. I hate being dependent on other people and because I couldn't put weight on my foot I had to be. This just once again proves I am a massive klutz.

-I had finals at school and I think I aced both of them , so happy!!!!! I decided to take summer semester off and relax, so no school for Trillian now, yay!!!!

-We had our Burning Man benefit for Thunderdome camp! Oh soooo much fun and chaos, for the first time we brought the dome from Nevada to West Oakland, set it up, and held fights. It almost felt like I was in the desert again. I cannot wait until the Burn!!! It was also my first bartending gig and I walked away with $250 in tips.

-The largest news so far and the most recent is I was fired from my job. My cunt of a boss, who has never really liked me for unknown reasons, said that I gave a client medical advice when I did not and she knows I did not. I still incredibly livid about this. I am broke as hell, finally enrolled for unemployment but still will not get a check for a couple more weeks at least, and have nothing to do with my time, I have fallen in with the new Shadow Hearts Covenant game on PS2 and have been playing it religiously. I plan on giving myself a week off and am not even going to look for a job until next week. I am not sure what I will be doing, it will be ideal to find a steady bartending shift but that is much easier said than done.

This is only a small taste of stuff but I am still kind of sick from my friend giving me her cold and I am going to return to bed and my PS2 but I will update again in the next couple days.

Trillian
xoxoxoxoxo



-what have you been doing during my leave of absence?