IPOD
RADIO
PICS
I just wanted to say thankyou to everyone helping me get through this. I know I've been whiney and not replied to everyone but I'm truly sorry, and when things get back on track I promise I will.
I have a bit of good news for you all, My new set 'Wild Vixen' is finally queued and will be making its way onto your screens very soon! I expect lots of love for what I feel is my best set yet, so keep a look out for it
]Wild Vixen - coming soon!!!
I have a bit of good news for you all, My new set 'Wild Vixen' is finally queued and will be making its way onto your screens very soon! I expect lots of love for what I feel is my best set yet, so keep a look out for it
]Wild Vixen - coming soon!!!
Why cant I get drunk?
I'm drinking and drinking and drinking and...... nothing.....
I need to escape reality. I feel so bitter, so betrayed.
I just want someone to love. Who will love me in return. Why are you never him?
I've lost everything. I'm homeless and have no money. Everything has gone wrong for almost 2 years now.
I have so much to say to you, you know who you are, but words just dont fit. Why were you such a coward? Didnt I deserve more after all this time? I just wanted you to be happy.
I wonder where I will ever fit in, if I'll ever fit in.
I feel like I'm getting old fast, and getting nowhere.
Is it so wrong to want simple things? When the complex things just seem to come naturally.
I want to cherish my past, not forget it.
It seems like I'll never succeed, I needed you to keep me strong. Why did you lie to me?
I never thought you would.
My heart is in tiny little pieces, to small to even start to put together.
I find myself thinking that being dead would be so much easier right now, what more do I have to lose?
Please someone be my hero.
I'll know you when I see you, wont I? Or did I pass you by already?
I think its too late to start again. Its all I ever seem to do. And everytime I fail, the same person who I despise looks back at me from the mirror.
I'll kill her one day.
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its 4am. i cant sleep, it feels like i'll never sleep again. When did i become so dependant on other people? I cant be alone like this, its just me. Now if I ever get into a relationship again i'll have to get to know someone all over again, i'll have to let them into me, its so hard to do. Especially now that i dont know who I am anymore. I cant believe things went so wrong this time. I gave up everything for him. I gave up my first love for him, you know why? because even after only knowing him for a week or so, I felt like we'd go somewhere, something I'd never felt before. It was easy to let him in. He loved Japan, we studied Japanese together. I bought him CDs and pens and books (he never used them more than once, should have seen that was a sign of things to come, giving up) I let him move in on the first day of our relationship because he couldnt afford his flat. I made him go back to uni, I even went to uni too, giving up my dream job as a tattooist (not out of choice but it was the result)Then when I knew him better I tried to fulfill everything that made him unhappy. I bought him clothes becoz he felt his were outgrown, i bought him things I knew he'd love (because i took the time to get to know him inside out) I used to cook for him, i still tried to but its hard in a skanky student flat that is always a mess. I cleaned up when i had the energy. I tried to get us to go places, but he was never interested. I wanted to tell him that the best part of my day was getting into bed when he was all warm and snuggly, putting my stinky disney pillow onto his chest and falling asleep to the sound of him breathing. I never dared. I wanted to tell him lots of things I couldnt. I know i was possessive and sometimes mean, but it was only to get affecion. It never worked but any reaction was good in the end. I just wanted us to be happy. I miss my rats that i'll never see again before they die.There are so many things i cant do now, like enjoy Hollyoaks, go to any of the local student/rock clubs, watch anime, think about japan, listen to my favorite bands because he introduced me to them, or watch some of my favorite films again, like Moulin Rouge and Spirited away. So many things over. I wanted to tell him last week that i was the happiest I'd been in years, I had him back, I had my housemates back (i'll miss them), I had my home back, I was happy. But he wasnt. I should have seen it. He never kissed me or said he loved me. He never told me I was pretty. He never told me how much i meant to him. He never wanted to do anything. The words keep running through my head, each syllable like a razor edge ' I didnt want you back anyway'
I didnt want you back anyway.
I knew something was wrong that morning, i just wanted to talk, i didnt know how. I got no good morning or kiss, he make his breakfast and dissappeared into his room. I went up to try and offer to move back away for a bit, to give him space to work. I tried to give him space. I stayed in the living room all day and as late as I could so that he could have the bedroom in peace. But then he said it. I offered him space (maybe my words were wrong but he knew i was forever saying things badly) and then he said it.
I didnt want you back anyway.
After almost 2 years. We'd lived in 3 houses together, got our first pets, kind of planned our future in the beginning, I went to uni for him. And it came down to the fact that he didnt want me, and didnt have an ounce of respect to tell me, he let me believe i was happy. He used me. My love used me.
I'm so angy, so hurt. So depressed. All i wanted was for us to be happy!!!! Was that so hard! It seems like he must not have wanted me for a long time then. We never planned a holiday, i tried, he refused. We never talked about the future again. He must have known there wasnt one. So what was I there for? Someone convienient to call his girlfriend? someone to half his bills? I certainly wasnt his confidante like i tried to be. He never spoke to me, i cant remember the amount of times i cried myself to sleep with him next to me not uttering a single word of comfort or to hold me. I felt so alone, but all i wanted was to make him happy. the one thing I tried to do I failed at. I tried to make him go to uni, and to keep hope for Japan. I TRIED I TRIED I TRIED. It was never enough.
I feel so alone and empty. nights are sleepless and cold. At the same time I feel like a struggle has ended. But now I'm scared someone else will get the best of him. The kind sweet person I met, who held me together through break ups, death and feeling alone. where did that person go? I must had made him feel so empty towards me. i know he resents me, he blames me for losing his friends. But in fact he lost some female friends I'll admit, but i never said a word, he built that fear up himself. But we ended up living with his friends who wanted him to go out, but he refused and in his head he blamed me. I feel so bad that i'm the reason he became depressed and despondant. But it ended up that I felt the same.
I have no love. Love is so important to me. Its hard to find. Does he even remember the first time I said I loved him? I bet he doesnt, I know I do. I used to want to say it all the time, but i didnt because he never did it to me.
I'm left with no confidence, i look into the mirror and a mess of a little girl looks back at me. like someone i once knew, but i dont know her anymore. I have no identity, I feel ugly and like i was never perfect enough for him. i hate myself. i dont want to hate him too. but my dream turned to shit. I fucked up, I'M A FUCKING LOSER who has never managed to keep a friendship or make a lover happy. ALL I WANT IS HAPPINESS and i know the only way for me to do that is to make someone else happy.
I JUST WANT TO LOVE thats all I want. To love and be loved in return. To feel pretty and have someone who makes my heart race. You've fucked up girl, theres no going back. Who do I think I am with my stupid tattoos and peircings, i'll never be the woman i tried to make. And now I am an ugly tattooed freak that noone loves or wants, the one that wants to scratch her face off and pull out her hair. the one who self harms and crash diets. the one who is struggling not to be bulimic. the one who cant talk to anyone. the one who thinks about ending it all at least twice a day. Nothing would make me happier than to drag a blade across my wrist and spit the words 'fuck you' at the world. But instead i sit here crying and banging my head against a wall. Who am I trying to fool? I'm from Stoke, backwards land, the place that is stuck in the past and full of no hopers. i'm just one of those. no matter what i try and make of myself I cant shake the insecurities growing up here has given me.
I dont know where i'm going with his. I want to tell him I'm sorry, but he hates me for what i've done to him. I honestly never meant to hurt him. I'm trying not to break my heart over and over by thinking about those words that cut me deeper than i have ever known. But I have nothing to hang onto now. Nobody to call my own and no one to make me feel special. I cant keep myself together. Can i? I dont know how!!!!!! Help me! what the fuck do I do? I miss him, i even miss the struggle a little, i miss my contented life. Fucked up as it was, i was content with being unhappy and trying over and over to make him feel my love again.Goodbye my sweetheart, i wish you all the best,who knows what life holds but I hope you find whatever you were looking for and I'm sorry it wasnt me.
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6am
fuck fuck fuck. i'm so alone.
I'm drinking and drinking and drinking and...... nothing.....
I need to escape reality. I feel so bitter, so betrayed.
I just want someone to love. Who will love me in return. Why are you never him?
I've lost everything. I'm homeless and have no money. Everything has gone wrong for almost 2 years now.
I have so much to say to you, you know who you are, but words just dont fit. Why were you such a coward? Didnt I deserve more after all this time? I just wanted you to be happy.
I wonder where I will ever fit in, if I'll ever fit in.
I feel like I'm getting old fast, and getting nowhere.
Is it so wrong to want simple things? When the complex things just seem to come naturally.
I want to cherish my past, not forget it.
It seems like I'll never succeed, I needed you to keep me strong. Why did you lie to me?
I never thought you would.
My heart is in tiny little pieces, to small to even start to put together.
I find myself thinking that being dead would be so much easier right now, what more do I have to lose?
Please someone be my hero.
I'll know you when I see you, wont I? Or did I pass you by already?
I think its too late to start again. Its all I ever seem to do. And everytime I fail, the same person who I despise looks back at me from the mirror.
I'll kill her one day.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
its 4am. i cant sleep, it feels like i'll never sleep again. When did i become so dependant on other people? I cant be alone like this, its just me. Now if I ever get into a relationship again i'll have to get to know someone all over again, i'll have to let them into me, its so hard to do. Especially now that i dont know who I am anymore. I cant believe things went so wrong this time. I gave up everything for him. I gave up my first love for him, you know why? because even after only knowing him for a week or so, I felt like we'd go somewhere, something I'd never felt before. It was easy to let him in. He loved Japan, we studied Japanese together. I bought him CDs and pens and books (he never used them more than once, should have seen that was a sign of things to come, giving up) I let him move in on the first day of our relationship because he couldnt afford his flat. I made him go back to uni, I even went to uni too, giving up my dream job as a tattooist (not out of choice but it was the result)Then when I knew him better I tried to fulfill everything that made him unhappy. I bought him clothes becoz he felt his were outgrown, i bought him things I knew he'd love (because i took the time to get to know him inside out) I used to cook for him, i still tried to but its hard in a skanky student flat that is always a mess. I cleaned up when i had the energy. I tried to get us to go places, but he was never interested. I wanted to tell him that the best part of my day was getting into bed when he was all warm and snuggly, putting my stinky disney pillow onto his chest and falling asleep to the sound of him breathing. I never dared. I wanted to tell him lots of things I couldnt. I know i was possessive and sometimes mean, but it was only to get affecion. It never worked but any reaction was good in the end. I just wanted us to be happy. I miss my rats that i'll never see again before they die.There are so many things i cant do now, like enjoy Hollyoaks, go to any of the local student/rock clubs, watch anime, think about japan, listen to my favorite bands because he introduced me to them, or watch some of my favorite films again, like Moulin Rouge and Spirited away. So many things over. I wanted to tell him last week that i was the happiest I'd been in years, I had him back, I had my housemates back (i'll miss them), I had my home back, I was happy. But he wasnt. I should have seen it. He never kissed me or said he loved me. He never told me I was pretty. He never told me how much i meant to him. He never wanted to do anything. The words keep running through my head, each syllable like a razor edge ' I didnt want you back anyway'
I didnt want you back anyway.
I knew something was wrong that morning, i just wanted to talk, i didnt know how. I got no good morning or kiss, he make his breakfast and dissappeared into his room. I went up to try and offer to move back away for a bit, to give him space to work. I tried to give him space. I stayed in the living room all day and as late as I could so that he could have the bedroom in peace. But then he said it. I offered him space (maybe my words were wrong but he knew i was forever saying things badly) and then he said it.
I didnt want you back anyway.
After almost 2 years. We'd lived in 3 houses together, got our first pets, kind of planned our future in the beginning, I went to uni for him. And it came down to the fact that he didnt want me, and didnt have an ounce of respect to tell me, he let me believe i was happy. He used me. My love used me.
I'm so angy, so hurt. So depressed. All i wanted was for us to be happy!!!! Was that so hard! It seems like he must not have wanted me for a long time then. We never planned a holiday, i tried, he refused. We never talked about the future again. He must have known there wasnt one. So what was I there for? Someone convienient to call his girlfriend? someone to half his bills? I certainly wasnt his confidante like i tried to be. He never spoke to me, i cant remember the amount of times i cried myself to sleep with him next to me not uttering a single word of comfort or to hold me. I felt so alone, but all i wanted was to make him happy. the one thing I tried to do I failed at. I tried to make him go to uni, and to keep hope for Japan. I TRIED I TRIED I TRIED. It was never enough.
I feel so alone and empty. nights are sleepless and cold. At the same time I feel like a struggle has ended. But now I'm scared someone else will get the best of him. The kind sweet person I met, who held me together through break ups, death and feeling alone. where did that person go? I must had made him feel so empty towards me. i know he resents me, he blames me for losing his friends. But in fact he lost some female friends I'll admit, but i never said a word, he built that fear up himself. But we ended up living with his friends who wanted him to go out, but he refused and in his head he blamed me. I feel so bad that i'm the reason he became depressed and despondant. But it ended up that I felt the same.
I have no love. Love is so important to me. Its hard to find. Does he even remember the first time I said I loved him? I bet he doesnt, I know I do. I used to want to say it all the time, but i didnt because he never did it to me.
I'm left with no confidence, i look into the mirror and a mess of a little girl looks back at me. like someone i once knew, but i dont know her anymore. I have no identity, I feel ugly and like i was never perfect enough for him. i hate myself. i dont want to hate him too. but my dream turned to shit. I fucked up, I'M A FUCKING LOSER who has never managed to keep a friendship or make a lover happy. ALL I WANT IS HAPPINESS and i know the only way for me to do that is to make someone else happy.
I JUST WANT TO LOVE thats all I want. To love and be loved in return. To feel pretty and have someone who makes my heart race. You've fucked up girl, theres no going back. Who do I think I am with my stupid tattoos and peircings, i'll never be the woman i tried to make. And now I am an ugly tattooed freak that noone loves or wants, the one that wants to scratch her face off and pull out her hair. the one who self harms and crash diets. the one who is struggling not to be bulimic. the one who cant talk to anyone. the one who thinks about ending it all at least twice a day. Nothing would make me happier than to drag a blade across my wrist and spit the words 'fuck you' at the world. But instead i sit here crying and banging my head against a wall. Who am I trying to fool? I'm from Stoke, backwards land, the place that is stuck in the past and full of no hopers. i'm just one of those. no matter what i try and make of myself I cant shake the insecurities growing up here has given me.
I dont know where i'm going with his. I want to tell him I'm sorry, but he hates me for what i've done to him. I honestly never meant to hurt him. I'm trying not to break my heart over and over by thinking about those words that cut me deeper than i have ever known. But I have nothing to hang onto now. Nobody to call my own and no one to make me feel special. I cant keep myself together. Can i? I dont know how!!!!!! Help me! what the fuck do I do? I miss him, i even miss the struggle a little, i miss my contented life. Fucked up as it was, i was content with being unhappy and trying over and over to make him feel my love again.Goodbye my sweetheart, i wish you all the best,who knows what life holds but I hope you find whatever you were looking for and I'm sorry it wasnt me.
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6am
fuck fuck fuck. i'm so alone.
Dear person-who-never-wanted-me-anyway,
Thanks for fucking up my life. Twice. I wish we had never met. You were never satisfied with anything and you're going to live a very lonely life, regardless of what you do or where you go.
I tried and tried and tried, You never made an effort. Guess I know why now.
All I wanted was a good morning kiss, and it ended like this. I walked into the room to kiss you and you looked at me like I was your worst enemy or someone you hated. Thats when i knew. It wasnt that I was failing, its that you didnt want me.
You have betrayed me, and I hope you regret this for the rest of your life. But knowing you, it'll never cross you mind and you'll blame me and eventually forget these 2 years.
I wish I'd never given up everything I did for you, you ungrateful fucker, I really hope this is what you want. I should have seen that you werent interested in me anymore. You 'dont have the time' or some shit.
But I was blinded by love. Yes I still love you, probably for a long time, but I dont like you as a person, I dont love you as a friend or anything.
You have dissappointed me beyond anything I can imagine and I never want to see you again.
You're never going to get anywhere with your attitude, you are lazy and defeatist.
I'll be the one laughing when I have a degree and live in Japan, and marry some good looking Japanese guy who actually loves me and shows it. Then I'll be happy. And you'll still be a miserable little boy.
So farewell my love, I hope this is what your cold robot heart wanted.
You've fucked me up, but I can live without you, without the stress of trying to please the unpleasable.
Watchout Tokyo, I'm on my way and no-one is going to drag me down.
Thanks for nothing loser.
Anyways, please still check out my multi up for SCS and leave me an insightful comment, I loved it just doesnt help. Click *pics* folder up there ^^ and The BoobiQ. Thanks.
Thanks for fucking up my life. Twice. I wish we had never met. You were never satisfied with anything and you're going to live a very lonely life, regardless of what you do or where you go.
I tried and tried and tried, You never made an effort. Guess I know why now.
All I wanted was a good morning kiss, and it ended like this. I walked into the room to kiss you and you looked at me like I was your worst enemy or someone you hated. Thats when i knew. It wasnt that I was failing, its that you didnt want me.
You have betrayed me, and I hope you regret this for the rest of your life. But knowing you, it'll never cross you mind and you'll blame me and eventually forget these 2 years.
I wish I'd never given up everything I did for you, you ungrateful fucker, I really hope this is what you want. I should have seen that you werent interested in me anymore. You 'dont have the time' or some shit.
But I was blinded by love. Yes I still love you, probably for a long time, but I dont like you as a person, I dont love you as a friend or anything.
You have dissappointed me beyond anything I can imagine and I never want to see you again.
You're never going to get anywhere with your attitude, you are lazy and defeatist.
I'll be the one laughing when I have a degree and live in Japan, and marry some good looking Japanese guy who actually loves me and shows it. Then I'll be happy. And you'll still be a miserable little boy.
So farewell my love, I hope this is what your cold robot heart wanted.
You've fucked me up, but I can live without you, without the stress of trying to please the unpleasable.
Watchout Tokyo, I'm on my way and no-one is going to drag me down.
Thanks for nothing loser.
Anyways, please still check out my multi up for SCS and leave me an insightful comment, I loved it just doesnt help. Click *pics* folder up there ^^ and The BoobiQ. Thanks.
The BooBiQ - Tragique and Fatal multi
Go and leave us some feedback (insightful please, so that it helps to be chosen) my darlings, hopefully we can get this set live, because I know it means alot to the girls who were there, and I hope you enjoy it!
Loves,
♥T♥
Go and leave us some feedback (insightful please, so that it helps to be chosen) my darlings, hopefully we can get this set live, because I know it means alot to the girls who were there, and I hope you enjoy it!
Loves,
♥T♥
From the last month or so that i've been really down, now that things are back to normal, I've realised that I have the one special person that keeps me together and I'm not going to fuck up this time.
So my lovlies here are some pictures of me recently
Going to a rave (in the student union, but it was alright actually)
me and Erin
My dog, Maisy
A skeleton
I'll update soon when I can stay connected to the net for long enough, damn wireless!
♥ T ♥
So my lovlies here are some pictures of me recently
Going to a rave (in the student union, but it was alright actually)
me and Erin
My dog, Maisy
A skeleton
I'll update soon when I can stay connected to the net for long enough, damn wireless!
♥ T ♥
You know what feels like you've been stabbed in the heart? Let me tell you...
I've been stuck alone in a prison cell of a room in Uni halls, crying day in day out, no TV, no internet. Just the same music hour after hour on my media player. i need a friend, I call a friend. My ex comes round unexpectedly, with all new tattoos, lip piercings, eyeliner and I get told that they all went out together. Him, our friends, his friends, people who are supposed to be MY friends. All drinking in the Uni bar together. While I sat alone wanting to fucking die, heartbroken and not a single word off anyone all day. Really shows who your friends are huh?
There are more reason than the obvious why this hurts so much. Why me? Am I such a bad person? I try and be good to everyone and get stabbed in the back by them all. Yet I dont feel angry, i still love them. They just must not love me.
Miss Tragique needs some sunshine in her life. Just one little thing to be happy about now that I have lost everything. Please please please, if there is a God or Shiva or Buddah, whoever is up there, help me. I'm so lost and alone.
Thanks in advance for you kind words, if I didnt have the support of you guys I dont think I'd be so strong right now. I'm really really trying to keep it together. Love to you all.
I've been stuck alone in a prison cell of a room in Uni halls, crying day in day out, no TV, no internet. Just the same music hour after hour on my media player. i need a friend, I call a friend. My ex comes round unexpectedly, with all new tattoos, lip piercings, eyeliner and I get told that they all went out together. Him, our friends, his friends, people who are supposed to be MY friends. All drinking in the Uni bar together. While I sat alone wanting to fucking die, heartbroken and not a single word off anyone all day. Really shows who your friends are huh?
There are more reason than the obvious why this hurts so much. Why me? Am I such a bad person? I try and be good to everyone and get stabbed in the back by them all. Yet I dont feel angry, i still love them. They just must not love me.
Miss Tragique needs some sunshine in her life. Just one little thing to be happy about now that I have lost everything. Please please please, if there is a God or Shiva or Buddah, whoever is up there, help me. I'm so lost and alone.
Thanks in advance for you kind words, if I didnt have the support of you guys I dont think I'd be so strong right now. I'm really really trying to keep it together. Love to you all.
A few pictures of me recently for you all, I might be off the internet for a while as I'm about to move into Halls at Uni, but I'm really not looking forward to it.I am afraid strangers and I'm about to move into a building with tonnes of them. I was happy here but I have to leave now, so I'm about to live and sleep alone for the first time in my life
Anyhoos, pictures!
My lecture theatre, playing with my new lense when I should have been working...
And lastly I will tell you about my little project.
There is a group on here called 'The Suicide Girls Slam Book'. Basically I had an idea to buy a scrap book and fill in a page and then send it to other SGs around the world so they could add pictures and stories and art etc. We got the go ahead from SG to promote it as an SG project and we plan to sell the book to the highest bidder in SG Sales or Ebay or something. With free signed pictures and goodies thrown in. All the money will go to charity, we havent decided which yet. So, the book is going to over 90 Suicide Girls around the world and then some lucky bugger gets the chance to own a piece of history, kinda. Its not likely to be completed for maybe over a year, but it will be worth the wait I promise! I'll keep you all updated on its progress if you like.
loves, Txxx
Anyhoos, pictures!
My lecture theatre, playing with my new lense when I should have been working...
And lastly I will tell you about my little project.
There is a group on here called 'The Suicide Girls Slam Book'. Basically I had an idea to buy a scrap book and fill in a page and then send it to other SGs around the world so they could add pictures and stories and art etc. We got the go ahead from SG to promote it as an SG project and we plan to sell the book to the highest bidder in SG Sales or Ebay or something. With free signed pictures and goodies thrown in. All the money will go to charity, we havent decided which yet. So, the book is going to over 90 Suicide Girls around the world and then some lucky bugger gets the chance to own a piece of history, kinda. Its not likely to be completed for maybe over a year, but it will be worth the wait I promise! I'll keep you all updated on its progress if you like.
loves, Txxx
