As requested, here is the first chapter in my book.

Fall From Grace
by Me




For Jessica



Preface

These days are closing in,
The end has become apparent,
We're only here for so long.

Will anyone remember my name,
When time has washed away the dust of our ashes,
When my head rests in a velvet lined casket?

What's out there?
What is my eternal fate?

And it only just recently hit me,
That this life is just a state.
Mortality fading, like the innocence of love,
I'm scared to death of what's to become.

Of my immortal soul, of this eternal flame,
Will you remember?
Will your heart sing with pain?
Who calls out my name?

And tell me what happens,
When my eyes close for the last time.
Does it all simply end in a blanket of darkness?
And what of my soul, what of my soul?

All those things that you couldn't say,
You should've said.
All those I-love-you's lost,
Weighed more like lead on your chest.

If I could take back all those misspent days,
Every second of anger, I would wash my sins away!
- The Remembrance Ballad by Atreyu







Chapter One: Death's Visit

I'm losing my faith, I realized. I shuddered at the truth of my thoughts. God, if you are there, please, please make this be alright.

I sat cross-legged on my bed with my heavy, black Bible in my lap. A cool, fall breeze blew through the open balcony doors in my dead sister's room, now my room. I closed the book as tears dropped down my face, staining the worn, leather cover. I looked at my trembling hands. They were so white you could see the blue veins underneath the skin. My left hand was crisscrossed with jagged, purple scars. I clenched them into fists, trying to stop the violent shaking.

As I prayed half-heartedly, an oppressive weight fell upon my shoulders. I saw my body fall backwards on the bed as if I was the audience watching a tragic play. My heart constricted; I couldn't breathe past the choking agony in my chest.

The blackness had become darker, thicker, and I knew this wasn't my usual grief. New tragedy had been added to my short nineteen years. I got out of my bed and unlocked my door, knowing it wouldn't be long now. Time past unmarked as I waited until I heard the creak of the old front door and slow, heavy steps climbing to my third story attic loft. The footsteps stopped outside my door, hesitating.

Knock. Knock. Her hand was steady, powerful. She was in control as always. I hastily wiped the tears and snot from my face.

"Come in," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

The door opened quickly, and my mother burst into the room. Her usual, frantic energy was slightly subdued, but that was the only difference I could detect in her tall, thin frame.

"Jonathan and Jordan drowned," she said curtly. She looked me full in the face as if she was waiting for me to call her a liar. Her eyes were sharply focused, her face frightening in its intensity.

I nodded, unable to stop the tears from flowing once again.

"I was in the water with them, and so was the instructor," my mother continued. "There were witnesses. It happened in under a minute. I have dealt with the police and the coroner. They are calling it another 'freak accident.'" Her voice was cold, hard, determined.

"It's n-not your fault," I sobbed, not entirely sure why I said the words.

My mother took a few more steps into the room and collapsed on the end of the bed. I reached out to her and took a frigid, bony hand in mine. Her veins stood out worse than mine; they were raised from her skin in tortured, thin lines. I shuddered. My future flashed briefly through my eyes. If I survived, was I destined to turn out like her?

"Then, whose is it?" She asked quietly.

Abruptly, she rose from the bed and marched down the stairs. I heard the front door slam. I turned over on my side, feeling drained, but curiously lighter. The terrible knowledge of my two siblings' death had beat back the heavy darkness, and I could breathe again.

"Another two down, two more to go," I whispered to my empty room.

Death was only a matter of time.

Down.

Humpty dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall
But why was Humpty on that fucking wall?

All the king's horses and all the king's men
The lover, the fighter, the family of ten
They just couldn't put Humpty back together again

London Bridge Is falling down,
Falling down, Falling down.
London Bridge Is falling down,
My fair lady.

London Bridges Falling Down
A million reasons found
Dead virgin buried in the base
Sacrifice for the sake of the human race

Fatality to appease the water spirits
Or the London Bridge will be washed away!
This is nothing but another casualty.

Ring around the rosies,
A pocketful of posies.
ashes, ashes.
We all fall down!

Pockets full of posies
To keep the smell away
Ring around the rosies
Plague of the rashes

Ashes, Ashes
Burn them
So the disease doesn't spread.

Do you not understand?
Where does the meaning come from?
These songs we sing to the children small?

Death!
It's death to them all!

We all fall down!

Down, down, down, down

We all fall DOWN!

In honor of my nudie picture debut, here is a poem I wrote in my Philosophy of Yoga class to keep myself from falling asleep (not that the class is boring, I just have a hard time staying awake if I sit still too long).


This Is My Body

This is my body-
Scars, bruises, dimples, and all
I am unique because of my flaws.

I'll share a glimpse of the outside-
A look into the workings of my self
You can look, but not touch.
My pleasure is mine alone.

This is my soul's home-
Battle-worn but strong
There are things I'd like to change
With a wish
But not money, time, or pain.

I have made peace-
With every curve, wrinkle, and line
Through them
I can count the passage of time.

This is my body-
Mine, mine alone
I will honor, delight, and cherish
And be very careful with whom I share it.

I see my flesh as a work of art
Room for improvement
But Beautiful in every way.

This is my story-
Time will change it
The sun will fade the bright paint
Water will erode the wood

But still it will stand as a monument
To a life fully lived.