Photobooth keeps me perpetually amused.

In other news, I kind of want to make lampshades out of endocrinologists. I'm not great at planning though and I can't find my fabric shears. I feel like proper lampshade making requires both.

Finals are kicking my ass, and I'm pretty sure I'm being stalked by a certain bottle of bourbon. Basil Hayden to be exact. It's a sneaky bastard of a bottle, too.

So while I go delve into a semester's worth of civil procedure, I'll leave you with a story I wrote for a class a few months back.

The Effects of Binge Drinking on Puritanism

Law school is kicking my ass. Turns out Legally Blonde was not an accurate portrayal. I'm pretty sure someone owes me something for that misrepresentation.

I'll try to update on my general going ons at some point. (It involves massive ass kicking, profanity, hooliganing, beveraging, and other such awesomeness),

Also. If you haven't heard the new Grinderman album you ought to go check it out. It's kind of amazing.

So I managed to go on the worst date ever the other night. It was seriously like a scene out of the Bates Motel… But without all of the fun and games.

This kid had gotten my number at a bar. He asked to hang out. Everything seemed ok. I knew I wasn’t into him, but whatever, how bad could it be?

I asked the kid what we’d be doing on our date. He said, “I don’t know, we could always make out.” I chewed him out for being disgusting and inappropriate. I don’t have daddy issues, and as such, I’m not looking to see how many cocks I need to suck till daddy loves me. Sorry. Also, the kid just didn’t have any redeeming qualities that I had remembered.

I told the kid if he didn’t think of something that we were totally going to go see a Journey cover band, and that I’d be belting out Don’t Stop Believing for all the world to hear. He apparently knew about 3487347892 Journey songs, but claimed not to like the band. That should have been a big red neon sign flashing to get the fuck away. Rarely do good people like Journey. Seriously. I almost fired a kid for taking off work to see Journey once -- he got mixed up in some crazy drug cartel before I got the chance to handle it myself.

So the Journey cover band was out. I really should have gone with this option, so that the kid wouldn’t have had the opportunity to speak. I find most people are more charming when they shut the fuck up.

He finally finds some part of a back bone and suggests we have some drinks and watch a movie. OK. That seems close enough to decent.

We hang out, talk for a bit. He tells me dumb stories about drinking, I tell him about how I want to play with his lifeless organs. Things seem to be progressing fairly enough. The poor thing is miserably dull, but maybe I’ll like him better if I steal more of his beer.

It just never happened.

We watched a movie -- American Psycho. In my opinion, that is pretty much the perfect date movie. And still, after all that beer and murder, I couldn’t find one redeeming quality. His roommates were training very hard to qualify for the Special Olympics and kept asking what was going on in the movie. I didn’t think it could be spelled out much more clearly.

Afterwards the kid and I were speaking. He was clearly very afraid of me. It’s just as well, but I don’t think he fully knew just why he should be frightened. I just think I was the first thing with a vagina that he’s spoken with since some unfortunate incident with a donkey ten years prior. I get the feeling that the donkey, too, was not impressed. It got to a point where I was contemplating self mutilation to try to make the evening more enjoyable. The kid was about a half step from telling me about his progress in Dungeons and Dragons when I bolted the fuck on out of there. Honestly, I can understand why he would have though. I hear it’s good to talk about your best attributes on dates. Apparently, his greatest attribute was using cloaks of invisibility or some shit to never see pussy outside of a Petco.

So. One of the wifies and I are going boy shopping this weekend. Lets hope it goes better than this. It has to, right?

Let’s here it, what was your worst dating experience?

Pictures from the date. And my arm. And me without makeup.

It's been awhile. I have been trying desperately to keep all posi-core, but all kinds of bullshit went down. I didn't want to update with all kinds of bad news, so I just avoided the whole mess. Shockingly, it didn't help fix much of anything.

I'm not entirely sure where I left off, but..

I managed to have an abscess on my nipple the size of a golfball. Apparently one of my nipple piercings penetrated the duct in my breast, allowing the duct to fill up with pus. The part that annoys me most about this, is that the piercing was some 8 years old. So I took out all the nipple piercings. And now I think my tits look stupid. To fix all of this, the doctor took something mean and sharp and drained the whole mess. From there, I found a fabulous Greek surgeon with a thick accent and a twisted sense of humor. He decided that the first incision wasn't nearly large enough. So he went and sliced into me even further. While he was cutting, I was cursing his entire family and livelihood. He had me laughing so hard with his silly Greek-isms. Oh my. From there I was told to pack the wound every day. If you've never had to pack your own wound, it's yucky. I don't like looking at the inside of my flesh. So now along with the lack of piercings, I've got a goofy looking mess of a wolverine scar. Boo. Thankfully no one ever sees my boobs, so it's not a real issue.

To add to the boob issues, my boobs have still been leaking white stuff. Not much at all, and not often at all, but I'm still pretty sure they're not supposed to do that! I thought it was pus. It hasn't been a lot that has leaked, so that's good. My fabulous Greek surgeon thinks that it may very well breast milk. I'd like to mention now that I've been celibate for about 9 months now, and I'm on more birth control than Jesus. Though if it were up to me the jerk over at the vet's office would've taken my ovaries when they took the cats'. So I'm definitely not knocked up. Apparently there's some hormone, prolactin, that can be thrown out of whack and cause production of breast milk even if you're not preggers. It turns out it wasn't that either. I had an ultrasound done on my boob, and there weren't any pockets of ick, so I guess that's good. But then where the fuck is the leaky junk coming from? This has got to be proof that I'm actually a robot.

I started having stomach issues a bit ago. I couldn't poo for like 3 months. I ended up gaining some 30 pounds. Every time I ate I felt super sick. I was having problems breathing. My body was rejecting all my others meds. It was all tres frustrating. After a shit ton of tests, my doctor decided that I'm rocking gastroparesis. This pretty much means that my stomach doesn't really empty out quick enough. It's made worse by fiber-rich foods. Many vegetables are on the list of things that will make me a very sad banana. It's terribly frustrating as my diet is mostly comprised of veggies. It's a big bunch of no fun. But, now that I know I can kinda work around it a bit better. I've lost about 15 of the 30 pounds I gained, but it still makes me super sad every time I see a mirror or a pair of pants that don't fit properly.

I broke my wrist.. Bowling. I'm not fucking kidding. I was sober as a biscuit. I have witnesses. And. I didn't hit any pins. I was the first to go, so no one else got to bowl. We were in the ghetto and I was pretty sure I was going to be shanked or something. I kept an eye out for people filing down plastic cutlery. All things considered, I'd say I made out pretty well. Though, the douchebubble who worked at the bowling alley offered me a shot of whiskey and some ice. I got the ice but no whiskey. I broke the two big bones. I ended up with two pins in the one bone. The doctor trained in Bolivia on clams or something. I don't know. I'm still not sure that he was a doctor in the traditional sense of the word. I'm pretty sure I could have bought an AK47 in the room next to the one they did x-rays in. Nevertheless, that was half the reason I didn't update. I'm knee deep in a research paper, so all my typing has gone toward that. So after the break and the emergency room and the surgery that wrist had been broken (in setting and such) 3 fucking times. I had a big misshapen cast on for six and a half weeks. Thanks to the humidity the disgusting thing weighed a ton. I ruined my summer... Bowling.

I got the cast off today. My arm still looks super mangled. But at least I can wash it now! So now I'm looking to pack an entire summer into the next two weeks! I'm taking any and all suggestions. So far I've got plans to go to the beach, go tubing, go to the aquarium, go start a few fist fights, etc. What would you do? I've been having my own private pantsless dance party all day. I've been listening to crazy poppy nonsense. It's painfully fun! It's so nice to have an arm back--even if it does look like an icky Gandhi arm! So once again, I'm a pretty happy banana! I think I'm going to take my arm out for drinks tonight!

My birthday is coming up soon. I will officially be fucking ancient. You know, that age that no one growing up on punk rock should ever survive to see. I told my father that I was going to comprise a bucket list. Dad says I'm still too young for that. Apparently instead I should make a sand pail list. I'm down. I don't have much on my list that I'm willing to publish--see The Wizard of Oz, con Yale Law into taking me, jump out of a perfectly good mode of transportation--I'd like to aim for a plane, but at this rate I may have to settle for a slow moving van or something, make out with a cop, etc. I'm not terribly good at these lists. It may be because I'm far too easily amused.. Though my dear friend's gay landlord has offered to go fishing for cops with me. He thinks I need to fall over in a parking lot and wait for the cop to help me up. Apparently from there I'm to pull the cop down with me. You know, cause spooning with a cop in a parking lot is totally hot! Her landlord has decided to fall with me so that we can figure out the sexuality of the cop more discreetly than his original plan of asking. My friend and her boyfriend then offered to get in loud public fights to get the attention of these hypothetical cops. I find it just charming that my friends think that's all it takes. I keep telling them that boys don't like me, but they're not trying to hear it. I guess it's not all true. I did have a boy hump my cast the other day before asking for my number. If that's not everything I've always wanted in a stalker, than I don't know what is! Nevertheless, I think I'm going to start carrying donuts with me.. And a fishing pole. That'll totally catch me a cop! I tried to flirt with one at court. It didn't work so well. Apparently, "Do you come here often?" when the cop is trying to get you on speeding charges is not a good way to go. Noted.

I'd like to note that my cop fetish has really nothing to do with anything outside the awesome tool belt. I don't particularly care who the cop is. In fact, I'd probably prefer not to know. They're like big Rorschach pictures! All I see is uniform and fun toys. They're like Malibu Ken! All the toys, oh my! And violent alcoholics? Holy hell! I need flood insurance for my panties!

In other news, I learned very well recently the difference between alcohol based sprays and petroleum based sprays. WD40, for instance, is not alcohol based. I accidentally (and I use that word as liberally as possible) set a barback on fire. I thought the WD40 would just burn right off. I was wrong. It burnt through the 3 pairs of pants he was wearing. In my defense, he was still in to me afterward. Yay for boys with persistent self esteem issues! I am the worst possible person to have around in any emergency that isn't water based. The poor kid was a whole lot on fire and my dumb ass was trying to hit it with a sock. Oops. I did that before at the bar where I used to work. I accidentally (there's that word again..) set the bar on fire with Rumplemintz. I tried to hit it with a bar mop or something. I neglected to see the soda gun in front of me. I'm charming, really.

A week later I accidentally hit a kid in the nuts with a hammer. He too had persistent self esteem issues. I really cannot, for the life of me, understand why I don't rock a black eye way more often. I would have totally beaten the shit out of me for doing that. Instead the kid's band dedicated a song at their next show to me. Weirdos.

I spent the bulk of the summer working in a criminal defense office. I had a blast! It totally satisfied all my creepy little needs. I've always wanted to do autopsy work, but bodily fluids creep me out. So instead I got to look at all the medical examiner's pictures and research all of the involved people's lives. People are pretty fucked up. I heart it! I spent my time researching two capital murder trials. I got to see a rape trial (it was statutory, I'm not a total jerk) where the defense attorney was making jokes about herpes and such. I was trying so hard not to laugh. I was convinced that I'd ruin whatever glimmer of a legal career before I even had one!





Check the huge ass pins! They were like a ten gage and a million inches long. Seriously. I didn't watch them come out, but the bent part that was sticking out of the skin was about an inch long...



Fuck this noise.





Free! And it's still in the wrong shape!



All that added weight. It looks way better in dim lighting. I haven't been caught in bright or white lighting for months now!



Law office face.





I told my mom that I think I have fetal alcohol syndrome. She said no. I told her to prove it. That's about when the conversation ended....



That's a man with a large cross on wheels. Walking through one of the most dangerous neighborhoods around. I can't tell if that was the single smartest thing I'd ever seen or the dumbest. The jury is still out.

So that's about it for now. What should I do for my super funtastic summer? What needs to go on my sand pail list?

So it's been about 3 months since I last rambled in this general direction.
But. That means that half the shit I may have written about has already been forgotten! So it's kind of a win-win situation!
Thanks, by the way, to all those who sent me warm birthday wishes. Despite my assholish refusal to use this silly computer mess, I was very appreciative of the sweet messages!

My father had been working on a coffee table for me forever. He gave it to me right in time for my birthday. I love it! I did, however, tear my leg up something fierce on the side of it. There was blood everywhere. That prompted some crude comments from my dear friend about using the blood as sexual lubrication. Remind me not to call him should I ever be in any kind of serious emergency situation!

For my birthday, I got a number of strange things. My grandmother gave me soup. But. At least it was vegan, and she didn't buy it off QVC. She's making improvements! My father gave me fish food. Too bad I don't own fish. He had been threatening to buy me one of these for quite some time. He thought it was the funniest thing ever. I wasn't so sure. Thankfully, he bought me some really nice spices instead- now if I could just learn to like cooking I'd be set!!

I got the biggest pumpkin ever for Halloween.

Unfortunately, it exploded before I got the chance to carve it up. Still though, it was a very lovable, huggable piece of fabulous.

Sometime in there I was invited to join some national collegiate honor society. I took them up on there offer. I figure it can't hurt. I found out I'm in the top 10% of my class. That makes me laugh. I'm such a fucking scumbag. They're just not making the school look good by singing my praises so much!

Thanksgiving was not the worst ever. I did, however, get turkey thrown at me by my father. It started out as a fight over oatmeal. I heart oatmeal. I've started eating breakfast for the first time in 20 years. Oatmeal is about all I can choke down in the morning. But. I've grown rather fond of my WWII rations for breakfast. I was out of oatmeal. My father had quite a bit. So I was searching through the house trying to find his oatmeal. When I couldn't find it, I grabbed my mother's cereal in hopes of conning her into helping me. She wasn't convinced. So I started to toss her cereal to the dogs one piece at a time- "Are you going to tell me where the oatmeal is? How about now?" You get the idea. Well. My mother's cereal was flying everywhere, so my Dad starting fighting back. With turkey. He fights dirty. I can remember years ago we were trying to hide soda from each other. I coughed on it and told him I had AIDS or something. So he buttered the rim of the soda bottle.

Nevertheless. For anyone that remembers the inflatable turkey drama from last year, it's been solved. Turkey now lives on the porch during November. Ha. Those stupid fucktards next door can't say shit now!

My friend and I shaved our initials into some poor unsuspecting guy.

My brother and his wife got a puppy. He's a newfoundland. He's going to be huge! Like 150 pounds huge! My brother said that I could come over and ride the puppy around the yard. Puppy is a bit neurotic. He decided he didn't want to poop in his crate. So he held his little puppy booty up to the bars and pooped out of it. My brother was not pleased. And he knew it. So puppy refused to come out of the crate afterwards. Puppy also is just now starting to be ok with being on man made surfaces. For awhile there he wouldn't go near them. He also starts squeaking his toys when my brother's boss calls (he has a special ringtone). Puppy is neurotic. I can't wait to see 150 pounds of neurosis!

The cats have been being all cute again. They curl up together in the winter because it gets so godawful cold in my apartment. Murphy was spooning me this morning. Every time I tried to get up she freaked out on me. I got trapped in my bed for some two hours this morning.

I found this sticker in the parking lot at the bookstore. It made me laugh. Oh. But while I was there I picked up a copy of The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I highly suggest you read it if you have not yet. It was fucking amazing. Seriously. Though it did kind of push me farther towards my cat lady goals!

I saw MC Chris play too. He was great. I am so very attracted to that tiny little man. Seriously. Sadly, he mentioned that it was probably the last tour he'll do. It's really to bad. He's always so much fun. And, he keeps the douchebags from douching out at his shows!

I went to the SG Philly event that Karma threw together last night. I'm so very impressed with her. She put together a lovely evening for a super great cause. I dragged a friend with me. We had a fabulous time. We expected to hate everyone there, but it turns out SG Philly is pretty fucking cool. I guess I should've guessed as much! It also turns out that I knew one of the DJs there from like a billion years ago. So it was good to see him, and to see that he's happy and healthy!

Oh. So anyone with any medical anything. Help? I was fairly certain I had contracted Rubella. Turns out it's mostly been eradicated and I was vaccinated as a child. I kept waking up at strange hours with a weird rash of sorts. It would come on out of nowhere. It felt and looked like a really really bad sunburn. It happened 3 times. Once at 7:30am, once at 4:30 am, and once at 3:30am. The only pattern I've noticed is that my skin only freaks when I go to bed completely sober. It lasts about 20 to 30 minutes each time. It affects everywhere save for my hands, feet, genitals and right around my nipples. I have no clue what's going on. My doctor prescribed me an antihistamine, but it didn't help at all. I don't think it's allergic- I have no allergies, not even poison ivy! It comes on out of nowhere. I've been rocking the same soap, detergent, everything for a little over forever. So no real changes there either. I have no clue. We should all have fun with WebMD. My grandmother thinks it's Tuberculosis. It was really bad the other night. I actually had some weird pain spasm and put a hole in the wall with my head. I'd like to never do that again. I still need to patch that wall up, too..

At some point my neighbor stopped paying his bills in order to buy copious amounts of shitty whiskey. Since that where I steal my internet, I had none for awhile. Lameness personified!

I went to the Mutter Museum. If you haven't been, I'd highly recommend it. I loved it. I could have spent hours there. Though, there were quite a few things there that I wish I could unsee!

I made friends with some kids that work at a Malaysian restaurant. Malaysian food is super tasty. And. Drunken boys with broken English? Even better! The guys that work there are super sweet. I'm really glad that my friends and I adopted them!

I went and saw some silly movies with friends. We saw Role Models and Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Both were super ridiculous and cute.

I got in a few fist fights. I don't remember much about them though. Not because I was drunk so much as it's no longer an out of the ordinary thing when I go out. Oops. I promise I don't start this shit.

I'm sure I've been up to a whole hell of a lot since then, but I can't think straight. I'm pretty sleepy.

But. I do look like a bum a lot of the time.

So. What have you been up to recently? What are you getting for your loved ones for the holidays? I need to steal gift ideas. I'm rather at a loss for gift ideas for people! How do you get through the holidays? I'm thinking about throwing a halloween on Christmas party. Maybe we could decorate gingerbread men with various maladies! And. I still want to go to the strip club. Last year, some friends and I were going to go on Christmas Eve to watch the girl fist her own asshole. I am way too intrigued as to how that all goes down. Still though. Nothing says yuletide like anal fisting.

It's my birthday!
I turned old today.
Like really really old.
If I weren't so lazy I'd tell you how amazingly ridiculously fucked up this week has been.
Thankfully I'm really lazy though.
So.
For my birthday....
Leave me fun pictures.
Of something intriguing!

So. The update of all updates. I've been crazy busy! Here's the bulk of it. I'll add details and stuff at some point. Maybe. If you know me well at all, you know I wont be updating for another few months. So we'll just see.

In the meantime, as you will soon see, I love blurry camera phone pictures. Please please please someone teach me about cameras that don't suck. Really. I'd love to stop being blurry!

Work! I work for a pool company. Most of the time I hate it, but sometimes we have some fun!

Other work! I work at a very strange bar. Sometimes I like to play dress up there!

School!

Otherwise life has been ever silly.

And the end of the picture barrage with a few of my favorite things!

Now it's your turn. What have you been up to? Show me pictures and love and fun and bubbles!

Oh. And go check out my new favorite band-

Sasquatch and the Sick A Billys! They're fucking amazing. Seriously. You can't be grumpy whilst listening to them!

This about sums up my week.

I really am going to update for real at some point.

But I'm way sick right now, so no real updates for you.