So I managed to go on the worst date ever the other night. It was seriously like a scene out of the Bates Motel… But without all of the fun and games.

This kid had gotten my number at a bar. He asked to hang out. Everything seemed ok. I knew I wasn’t into him, but whatever, how bad could it be?

I asked the kid what we’d be doing on our date. He said, “I don’t know, we could always make out.” I chewed him out for being disgusting and inappropriate. I don’t have daddy issues, and as such, I’m not looking to see how many cocks I need to suck till daddy loves me. Sorry. Also, the kid just didn’t have any redeeming qualities that I had remembered.

I told the kid if he didn’t think of something that we were totally going to go see a Journey cover band, and that I’d be belting out Don’t Stop Believing for all the world to hear. He apparently knew about 3487347892 Journey songs, but claimed not to like the band. That should have been a big red neon sign flashing to get the fuck away. Rarely do good people like Journey. Seriously. I almost fired a kid for taking off work to see Journey once -- he got mixed up in some crazy drug cartel before I got the chance to handle it myself.

So the Journey cover band was out. I really should have gone with this option, so that the kid wouldn’t have had the opportunity to speak. I find most people are more charming when they shut the fuck up.

He finally finds some part of a back bone and suggests we have some drinks and watch a movie. OK. That seems close enough to decent.

We hang out, talk for a bit. He tells me dumb stories about drinking, I tell him about how I want to play with his lifeless organs. Things seem to be progressing fairly enough. The poor thing is miserably dull, but maybe I’ll like him better if I steal more of his beer.

It just never happened.

We watched a movie -- American Psycho. In my opinion, that is pretty much the perfect date movie. And still, after all that beer and murder, I couldn’t find one redeeming quality. His roommates were training very hard to qualify for the Special Olympics and kept asking what was going on in the movie. I didn’t think it could be spelled out much more clearly.

Afterwards the kid and I were speaking. He was clearly very afraid of me. It’s just as well, but I don’t think he fully knew just why he should be frightened. I just think I was the first thing with a vagina that he’s spoken with since some unfortunate incident with a donkey ten years prior. I get the feeling that the donkey, too, was not impressed. It got to a point where I was contemplating self mutilation to try to make the evening more enjoyable. The kid was about a half step from telling me about his progress in Dungeons and Dragons when I bolted the fuck on out of there. Honestly, I can understand why he would have though. I hear it’s good to talk about your best attributes on dates. Apparently, his greatest attribute was using cloaks of invisibility or some shit to never see pussy outside of a Petco.

So. One of the wifies and I are going boy shopping this weekend. Lets hope it goes better than this. It has to, right?

Let’s here it, what was your worst dating experience?

Pictures from the date. And my arm. And me without makeup.