Gauge is coming by today to pick up the rest of her stuff. She doesn't want me to be around. She doesn't event want to see me until after I get back from Europe which will be over a month of us being away from one another. I seriously feel so nauseated and like my eyes just won't stop crying. My throat is knotted and I feel like a schmuck. I feel like a schmuck for feeling this way for not feeling strong and in control when that is who I am. I am in control. I'm on top of the world and have everything going for me right now and yet this beautiful young woman can turn me into a blubering fool. I think she has a lot of hurt and anger going on in her right now and I respect that she is trying to be mature by avoiding conflict as I can't bare to fight with her any more. But it is going to kill me not seeing her on my birthday. Everyone is invited to celebrate my birthday tomorrow. I need as much support as I can possibly get. Everyone is meeting up at Axum Cafe (Haight and Steiner) at 7pm and then headed over to Noc Noc for drinks. Hope to see you all there. I'll try to be socialable and not to horribly depressing.

I miss my baby daw. I didn't know that I could miss someone so much when they are in the same city as me. I haven't seen her since Sunday morning. Nearly a week. I hate this I really do and I'm just trying to make it through the nights as the nights are the worst.

Off to shoot a new SG set with Albertine. I'm really excited. It should be really beautiful. It will involve an inverted Shibari style suspension and painting.

New York has been long. Warm and long. I'm aching for the finish line but I don't think I'll recognize it when I get back home with out her in my bed. It hurts and she refuses to believe that I hurt. I struggle to be strong, to figure out how this happened, to examine the situation, but it only means that I'm emotionless. I'm coughing on my own blood so I try to breathe deep to keep from drowning.

I went to an amazing art show last night and shot at Body Archive with Lochai today, who is really amazing. Steven Speliotis took a couple shots of me in a reverse prayer on a roof top for a book he has coming out on Goliath called Tattoo Love. A mom,dad, and 4 year old child watched us from a high rise hotel, waiving at us , and then all three of them mooning us. It was pretty funny. We are going to shoot some more when I come back to NYC in November. I'm shooting with Chanta Rose for a bondage book she has coming out when I get back to SF next week. I need to buy my ticket for Europe tomorrow.

I'm glad that you are doing what you need to do and that you are finally taking care of your needs but it doesn't mean that every night with every inhale and every exhale i'm not crying, that I'm not completely falling down inside. You were my center and the reason that I do my every day. You are what made me feel like I was strong enough to endure these stupid ass business trips that have broken us. I knew that I had your voice to hear and your body to envelop myself into when I got back home. Now I know that the cold lonely void that I feel on the road when sleeping on spare futons,in spare rooms,using spare keys, is the same void that will follow me "home" this time. Cuz it is just a spare bedroom if you aren't there to wrap my arms around.

In Seattle..Leaving for NYC tomorrow night. Heather and I are having a really hard time and being hundreds of miles away doesn't help. We need to work on things. We need to make things work. She is my world. I feel sort of emptied and hollowed and I just want to be tangled in her arms. Hold me close my love, cuz the whole world is seperating and shifting plates, but maybe if you hold me close enough we won't lose track of one another.

Man...I can't believe my Monica had her video go up today and I'm stuck in a coffee shop where I can't watch it..rrrrrr. I miss my little Monica. Albertine and Toy are coming to visit in a couple weeks after I get back from NYC. Leaving for Seattle and NYC on Monday for a 20 day tour. Should be exhausting. I was interviewed for a French documentary on Alternative Post Porn Art and sex postive feminists views on sex in art and art and sex and the such. They came to SF to interview Annie Sprinkle, Carol Queen, Scarlot Harlot, and Michelle Tea but all of them mentioned my name to the crew and said that they had to interview me for the project so they did. They were really wonderful and had a cute french bull dog that have traveled all over with them. Annie Sprinkle and Beth Stephens did a love art labratory piece at our gallery last night for one of our big events - Sizzle - You can check out some of their Love Art Lab stuff at www.loveartlab.org. It is truly amazing. Gauge and I are being considered by MTV for some psa on queer couples for coming out month in October. I've been insanely busy. And I'm trying to get ready for my travels on Monday.

Just saw the interview that I did for the tv series Out and About. Looks pretty good. It looks like the show is going to be picked up by MTV so the interview will go live on their network . I'm going to try to get it formatted so I can add it to my web site. Excited about visiting Seattle again. I'll be going to see my friends burlesque troupe while I'm there and having lunch with my girlfriends brother. It is only 10 am and already I'm tired of being at work. I want to go out and enjoy the beautiful weather. Gauge is recording in the studio today. Last night Michelle Tea, Rocco, Gauge and I went out to the Metreon and saw the Wedding Crashers.

I think I'm going through one of my burnt out insanity phases. It seems like my life gets really really good and then I get knocked down and sucked into this vortex of depression and apathy and anxiety and ick. The year is half over. That is so crazy and what is more crazy is that the rest of the year that lays in front of me is already planned out. I kinda wish I could abandon everything for a month or so and live with out a map. But there is the gallery to care for and tours to do - money to make- bills to pay - stories to write-art pieces that need to be birthed before they suffocate in my head. I was walking down 16th st this morning on my way to work and I heard someone calling my name. I looked over and Carol Queen and her partner Robert hung out of their truck's window waving. My heart jumped and I felt good for a moment as I waved back. They are so crazy and beautiful and still so in love. I walked further down 16th and a stretcher wheels out in front of me that I stand waiting in front of, waiting for it to move out of my way. The stretcher carries a man in a body bag and I watch as it is loaded into the ambulance. Things seem a little still around here.

In Seattle again. It is beautiful here and giving me a chance to see all my Seattle friends and work buddies while I'm here working away. Won't be back till the 14th. Missing my Gauge. Book is all sent off to AK Press. Someone is buying one of my prints that I have showing right now. Just sold some of our exhibiting artists work as well at our gallery. I'm trying to write while I'm away.