I've been meaning to write this blog for a while:

Dearest SG,
So many things have changed in the past 5 years of my life and I feel I've almost come full circle. My personality has gone from a young and wild barely 21 female, through a period of self-confident - still spontaneous young adult, to cynical stranger to myself and now coming out of the darkness of deep depression. I am no longer the same person I was when I first joined SG.
Suicide Girls has brought me some of the greatest relationships and absolute best times in my life. This site helped me to realize how lovely I was and to accept my body as is, flaws and all. However, all the goodness came with a great deal of disappointment and heartache. I don't wish to elaborate on this topic other than to mention it has led to me not being as involved as I once was. I really had some great conversations here and I'm thankful for that. (You know who you are ) I am supremely grateful to Suicide Girls for introducing me to a new world and facilitating in some of the best years of my life - but - times, they are a'changin'...

As you most know I've been in California the last 2 years and the experience has not been a good one. It has forced me to learn a lot and I have completely changed my view of everything I once understood. From economics, politics, environmental beliefs, spirituality, love, health, how I view society, almost everything I did/believed is now drastically different. The experience has been very difficult and it will get harder as I change more things about myself for the better. Part of that has to do with another relocation.

Coming early 2013, I will be moving to an undisclosed location in Tennessee. My plan is to homestead and to be as self-sustainable as possible. Ultimately I want to live my life, no punching clocks, no working for the man.

I still plan on attending tattoo conventions and shooting for magazines but my activity on this site will be limited; unless there is an overwhelming urge for my return - which I doubt would happen. If you want to stay in touch follow me on intagram: @badassthana I update there on a daily basis. I also have a twitter but I reserve it for people I have actually spoken to in person. My twitter is usually pretty depressing as I use it to bitch and generally complain about the world so I'm not sure you would enjoy it anyway...


This is what I look like currently - consider it my date stamp

Until next time -

Happy Friday SG land!

The dude from Tijuana that I met at the Deathsquad show during SDCC came trough and emailed me the pics from that night!


Doug Benson and I


Ari Shaffir and I with the same excited retard look on our faces. It was seriously awesome meeting him, see the whole embarrassing story a couple blogs back.


Joe Rogan and I looking awesome! He was so funny! I strongly encourage you to listen to both Ari's and Joe's podcasts they are always hilarious.

In other news: I been working out and eating pretty clean for almost 2 months now. I haven't changed too much in size yet but I'm definitely stronger and less flabby. I'm going hardcore paleo starting tomorrow so I've been splurging on carbs the last few days. Wish me luck because its going to be really tough. I love food thats bad for me and hate to deprive myself. Strange how food affects our body and minds...

I'm sick of California, I'm doing my diligence to pay my debts and save to get the fuck out however its a slow process.

I miss having a live set on SG and hanging out with other SG's and members of this site.

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not."
-Andre Gide, Autumn Leaves

"Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been."
-John Greenleaf Whittier

I blogged a few days ago about Comic Con but I didn't include anything else I've been up to so I wanted to fill you guys in.

Life has still been an emotional roller coaster for me but there seems to be more time between the free falls so thats progress, right? I'm struggling to find ways to identify myself, I really don't know exactly who I am anymore and that makes me less confident. I used to hula hoop a ton and spin fire which made me feel awesome but for some reason it doesn't peak my interest like it used to. I'm going to attend the open fire spin in Davis next week to find out if its still something I want to be involved in. I've lived in the area a year and a half but have not managed to make the local fire spinning nights.

I have been trying to get into the bone arts.





These are just a couple things I'm working on. Its very tedious and time consuming so I have to push myself to work on things. I think if I can stick with it I can really get some satisfaction from it, I also have to potential to make some money and thats always nice.

Working out has been a constant goal and I have worked out 5 days a week for an entire month straight. I haven't noticed much change in my size and shape but I am getting stronger and less pudgy. I have also been eating very clean and lo carb but god dammit I love me some carbs. That challenge has been the hardest for me and I can say its going mediocre at best. I have to learn to just say NO to carbs!!! I still don't mych like working out and Reid says one day I'll just want to work out but that day has not yet come.

I've been missing Arizona so hard. I realize more and more that most of the people that care about me are so far away. I makes days off a bit lonely. I also don't want to grow apart from people just because they're so far away but how is it not natural to lead different lives that develop separately instead of together.

Work has been frustrating as well. I need to learn that no matter how much I care for my profession others will not feel the same no matter how frustrated I get. I need to just do my job, get my money, and go the fuck home. I need some advice one 'caring less' so if anyone knows the trick let me know!

Here are some photos coming out of the woodwork from SDCC:





These were stolen from Alicee's blog whom I met at the con. She is so gorgeous in person as well as super cool. I thought the chick next to me with the giant gun was way hot so I had to get right next to her. Too bad I'm too shy to say something. I always hate how I feel I miss opportunities because I've lost most of my self-confidence. I know recognizing it is the first step to changing it, its just the next step I'm hung up on.

Here are a couple portraits dylanborgman took:





From frankieacuna72:



I'm a tard... Anyway, I missed so many girls at the con but with the massive crowd that was there it does not surprise me.

SG featured my comment in their wrap up for Comic Con: SDCC Wrap Up

Thanks for the messages from the folks I met at the con, its really awesome to stay in touch with people you meet! I promise I'll respond to your messages too and also send prints to those who are waiting for them.

I know things will get better for me if I can just keep working at my goals. Every step I've been making is in the 'general' right direction. Thanks for all the kind words you've shared these past months.

Till next time SG!

This blog in entitled: Comic Con - by An Unlikely Attendee

When I made the choice to attend Comic Con I didn't know what to expect. I knew people would be in costume, they have seminars where celebrities come and discuss their endeavors, and that it was the biggest Comic Convention in the U.S., but that doesn't come close to describing the sensory and social overload that is SanDiego Comic Con.


(One the way, road weary and anxious)

I thought I was into some popular culture, I really love horror movies of all kinds, I enjoy most all of the Showtime shows, I'm obsessed with South Park, and anime porn intrigues me. I do enjoys those things but I don't know many actors names or random trivia. I spent the weekend with people trying to talk to me about the various comic/TV Shows/Video Games/Movies and I knew NOTHING about them. How awkward; they're so excited to have met so and so, or they can't wait to sit in some obscure panel and I couldn't share the excitement. It made me feel bad for those who tried to converse with me.

I also didn't know just how many fucking people that went to this thing. I have never seen so many people in my life, even at major concerts and events. It was mass chaos and at times shoulder to shoulder in the exhibit hall. I heard its nicknamed "Line Con' because you have to stand in a ridiculously long line to do anything! Eat, piss, buy t-shirt... everything. It also made it really hard to see the booths and experience what the con had to offer. This is my super crowded photo of the SG booth.



I did work the booth but was only scheduled a couple hours Thurs. and Fri. It was really cool to meet the few people I did and it was great to meet the California girls some of whom i had been wanting to meet for a while. I was such a weirdo at the booth at times. People who say something being sarcastic and I would think they were serious and get into a discussion come to find out they were joking. o_O I met some of the Suicide Girls I really admired so I was super nervous when I first got to the booth. I'm such a dork...

The other thing that made moving around difficult was peoples crazy costumes protruding with giant wings or propellors or giant weapons. I couldn't believe how much effort people put into this shit. I definitely didn't fit in with my tattoo and metal t-shirts.

I roomed with Sid, Elea, and couple others. Sid organized the room for us so that was nice of her and it was a beautiful choice.



This was taken just off our balcony. It was gorgeous! I got to creep on their SG shoots.





dylanborgman shot the sets. Elea liked my Urban Art tattoo shirt, design by Tony Klett, so I let her borrow it for the shoot.

I do actually read one comic, Lenore, and we met Roman Dirge at the con. I bought the new hardcover edition and he did a little sketch for me. It was neat to meet him because I've been reading and following Lenore for about 15 years.



The highlight of the weekend was the Deathsquad Supershow at the American Comedy Co. The Deathsquad is a group of comedian podcasters who also do standup together. I had 2 tickets and the person who I got the ticket for bailed on me. I couldn't get anyone else to go with so I went alone. I ended up meeting these badass dudes from Tijuana who invited me to sit with them. Those dudes cracked me up in line and told me crazy stories about living in LA vs Tijuana and how LA was more dangerous. Classic. Anyway the Deathsquad show was hilarious. The comedians that did the Show were Doug Benson (Super High Me), Brian Redban (Invented Cat Breading), Sam Tripoli (Naughty Show), Joe Rogan (MMA Announcer, Fear Factor) and my personal fav Ari Shaffir (The Amazing Racist). It was so funny my face hurt. I stayed after the show to meet some of the comedians. I got picture with Joe Rogan and Doug Benson. I really wanted to meet Ari and possibly get one of his weed grinders signed so I went to the merch counter. They were out of them so I got a t-shirt instead. I waited a few more minutes and I spotted him. Ok - I had been prepping myself on what i would say to him when I knew I was going to the show. When you listen to these podcasts you kind of get to know the comics; you listen to them talk for hours at a time, multiple times a week. Needless to say when I finally got to talk to him I opened my mouth and diarrhea came out. I was kinda drunk and got really nervous, we took a quick photo and I took off. I'm such a fucking retard, what is wrong with me?! I said nothing of what I wanted to talk to him about. *Facepalm* I don't even have a copy of the photo because the dude from Tijuana took it with his camera. I gave the mexican dude my email but am not quite sure if I will ever see the pics from that night. This is the only proof I was there:



Hopefully I get another chance to meet Ari and he won't remember my awkwardness of that night.

To sum up the weekend, it was full of craziness both good and bad, and I learned some valuable lessons. One of which is always be who you are no matter what. When you feel like the freak in a sea of freaks focus on your identity and don't let others disconnect you from who you are. That will definitely be my last Comic Con - I'll be sticking to the tattoo conventions

Life has been a road of hills and valleys for me as of late, antagonized by the internal struggle of optimism and pessimism; of self-hate and self-love. I need to find a common ground and I'm making progress, even if its at a snail's pace.

I've been working a lot and getting comfortable in my new position at the mortuary. I just embalm, dress and casket now, which is a much needed change form having to deal with the public. I work a 40 hr work week so its left me a lot of time for soul searching and exploring.

Went to a dilapidated naval base. It was so surreal and reminded me of what it would be like after the apocalypse.

I didn't have the best view for the Planting Moon Eclipse but it made some awesome shadows in the house.

The eclipse was a reminder of our insignificance in this vast cosmos and was a turning point for me. The Dali Lama says that the point of life is to be happy and I agree with this completely. Happiness is a fleeting emotion and I vow to chase it every moment I'm alive.
Coming out of a year of deep depression and suicidal tendencies has been more difficult than I could have imagined. I have changed my lifestyle; I work out often and eat naturally, very low carb/gluten, high protein and vegetables. Its been making a big difference in my mood swings and lack of motivation. Although I did just overdo it and had a bad day where I was weak and completely unmotivated. I'm just eager to look and feel better so I push it to hard, I have to take it slow, ease into it.
Another factor that I notice contributed to my physical insecurities was that I haven't really been involved in this site as much as I used to be. SG has given me opportunities I would have never had without this community but also has caused me some heartache and disappointment. I have learned that even though we can't control the world, we can help to shape our destiny in how we view certain situations. In short, try to look on the bright side and act accordingly. I am looking forward to lurking around SG and going to events more often.

doolittle gifted this awesome shirt to me via delivery by Blanch last time I was in AZ. I love it and it has become one of my favorite shirts now! Thanks so much ladies!
I also have the amazing opportunity to attend SDCC so I have been contemplating wardrobe choices and obsessing a little on what I should wear. Any suggestions from folks that go to these sorts of things often? I have a million options if it was a tattoo convention, but comic con O_o
Another venture is to get the fuck outta CA and move back across the Mississippi. I'm trying to find work in East Tennessee, near the smokies. I want to have a small farm, be a taxidermy and live a completely sustainable existence. A girl can dream right?
Catch ya on the flip side

Hey crazy kids! I wanted to give you all an update since that last depressing blog. I also want to thank all of you who gave me advice. I used a lot of it and am making strides in getting my life back. It seems to be a slow process but slow is better than not improving at all.
I changed positions at work to 'Embalmer', so this has helped greatly. Its so much less pressure and I am not expected to meet quota's and such, I just work and go home.
Reno is about 120 miles from me so I decided to attend the Lady Luck Tattoo convention. My good friend and awesome tattooer, Tony Klett was there and he made this:



He's done most of my other work as well. I admire his talent and am glad to know the guy.

I found this full page craziness in Tattoo Magazine! Thanks Alissa, it came out great!


I took some vacation time and went on many adventures. I went back to the place of my origin, Tennessee, to visit my family. I am inspired to move there and want to get out of California asap.

On the way back, I swung through AZ for a house party with the family.





Blanch and I



MisterMainEvent and I

After arriving home, Mummifier was in town and she thought we should take a trip up to the Redwoods which was an awesome idea!











Mummifier standing next to a fallen Redwood

We then took this crazy road to the Black Sand Beach in Shelter Cove







That beach was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen and it was awesome to share that with friends.
I was back to work 3 days and now its my weekend... Today happens to be 4/20 and I have been celebrating in customary fashion.
I'm feeling a bit better about my life, I feel a little happier. I need to get in shape, eat better, and continuing doing the things I want to do and I should be back to the old me in no time.

Although I haven't been too active on the site lately, I wanted to recap and give closure to this much less than mediocre year.

This time last year I was gearing up for the party of my life with my favorite people.
The Epic Massive Red Cup Psycho Circus



(girl doing suspension is not me)



At the beginning of the year I was living in Arizona with a good quality of life outside of work, but my job was hell. I don't wish to recount the details but I ended up leaving AZ to find work in Northern California. My life was turned upside down and I was having some severe homesickness and culture shock. Luckily Aldremech and Shockasaurus came to visit.





SGSAC had a get together during their visit.





My set, Bound, shot by Alissa came out at the beginning of the year.

The set was shot in Columbus at Hell City 2010 at Alissa's studio. Lainey did my makeup and some awesome girls were around for the shoot. Much fun was had that morning...

I met Trekka through SGSAC and got together throughout the year.






I was lucky enough to visit Arizona and the family twice last year. Once at the beginning of the summer and then for Hell City.























I was tattooed by one of my favorite artists Tony Klett at Urban Art Tattoo

I had another set, shot by Cherry, that also came out in 2011. Practise Makes Perfect

It was an idea I had been wanting to do since I even thought about being a SG. Thanks to the fabulous Cherry, it came to fruition. She executed it brilliantly, better than I have ever imagined; and we shot it during my favorite Hell City, 2010 PHX.

I also shot for Tattoos and Tentacles, a project by Julian Murray, during HC PHC 2010. I was stoked to see my shot made it in the book!


Hell City PHX 2011 was quickly followed up by a trip to Vegas for Mummifier's wedding.



See the full album here!

As you know I have been on a little SG break lately, so I wanted to fill you in on what I've been doing recently.

The holidays came and went and I'm so glad they're over. Here's a photo recap.






I went to SF to visit Reid











Notice that I have highlighted the best of times this year. Unfortunately the majority of the year has been pretty low. I have been plagued with a deep depression at times and have lost my luster in life. My job has been consuming me. From starting the year with 70 hour work weeks - not kidding - I'm now down to about 45 hours, but our client's are demanding. We are a premiere location and charge a lot so our customers are looking to 'get what they pay for'. I dislike California, the geography, cities, politics, the hipsters and ghetto folks. I miss the clean air and beauty of Arizona and of course the people who dwell there. I had to bitch just a bit to get it off my chest. I'm really trying to move forward and get my life back. Cali has made me a pretty kick ass Funeral Director and I am thankful for my new skills that hopefully I can use to my advantage.


I don't believe the world is necessarily going to end next year but I do believe changes to our way of life are coming. So lets make 2012 the year of our lives!

Sorry for the long time, no update. I'm taking a little hiatus...

Happy Harvest Time Everyone! I LVE Autumn, its the absolute best time of the year!
Trekka and I had some Apple Hill adventures. It was a rainy day so we couldn't do much but we made the best of it.

Some apple cider doughnuts Trekka bought. We also got some apples sticks that were amazing.
We went to a brewery up there and got some apple beer which was delicious. I proceeded to come home and make candy apples while drinking apple beer. Then I had apples and cinnamon in my oatmeal for like, a week.






I've been doing a lot of working as usual, and it makes it hard to have a life.

I haven't been hooping much but that also has a lot to do with where I live. I live in a shitty apartment complex where I'm the minority so hooping in public where I'm at isn't the funnest and my apartment is too small to do any substantial hooping inside. Bleh... I'm trying really hard to stay true to myself and do those things that make me happy but it tough. I get so wrapped up in work I forget to make plans for my time off. Absurd, isn't it?!

Guess whats exciting?! I finally ordered my copy of Tattoos and Tentacles! I am so impressed with how it came out! Juliam Murray and Lacey Haire were awesome to work with and looking through their book brought back some fond memories.

Patton



Yours Truly
There are a few other SG's in the book and quite a few good looking folks with great tattoos so you should check it out!