Welcome To Gutterpunk Journalism

It just occured to me on my flight back from Zurich that the old days of Temper blogs are truly over.

No more random sex I can tell about, because the sex I have now is not anonymous and I choose what to disclose and what not. The sex I have now is also full of a lot more power dynamics, some so subtle but staggering that it would take me days to focus on an adequate description.
Also, Eric has me dripping wet within five minutes. I mean that in the literal sense, there will be wetness leaking from my pussy in three-inch, elongating drops, splattering to form little puddles on the floor between my knees.
It's kind of better than going home with strangers who don't know what they're doing.

No more stupid shit I've done, because I now have a responsibility towards another human being whose trust I can not breach. You know what it boils down to? That this person is away from home, working a dangerous job outside in the cold all day in another country to pay off MY debt, the debt that has accumulated from ten years of I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude.
Now, I've been known to be a callous, egocentric bitch at times who doesn't care about consequences or hurting others, but honestly? Even I couldn't bear facing him under these circumstances if I just didn't have myself under control for the fleeting joy of two minutes of questionable fun that would result in another round at court, another sentence, more debt or jail time.
So I don't injure people when they're dumb or make ill advised decisions that could annoy me. I don't even hurt them when they hurt me first. I think of his face and his presence and the warmth of his body and how I could not live with disappointing him, and I don't react. I am stoic and silent and do not punch people, smash their faces against hard surfaces or spit in their faces. Because he is more important.

No more silly outrageous parties because of two reasons. First, I am bored by them due to my jadedness and secondly, I'm getting old and can't process alcohol or drugs like I used to. I'm not kidding. And the hangovers that last two days and leave me with crippling migraines and puking out nothing but stomach acid every half hour for eight hours is just not worth it.
My job is more important. My life is more important.
Since Eric is gone and I admit I do need to get out of the house now and then (living and working at home with no human interaction makes me too eccentric too soon), I've been working at a very sleek and sophisticated fetish / SM club, and that's a perfect substitute for idiotic or dull parties that just leave me irritated or bored.


In the past two years, the quality of my life has changed drastically for the better. I will delve into this further in one of the next entries, however suffice to say that my life as it is right now (and with all the plans we still have which, due to hard work, are becoming more and more tangible) is just becoming steadily more incredible and I am thankful every day for everything that I have. I never thought this quantity of gratefulness is even existing and possible.
So I'm not going to ruin by dumb shit that isn't worth it, ultimately. My life now is exuberant and far more exciting, intense and worthwhile and fun than any casual sex and photoshoots and drug or alcohol binges ever where. Whenever I heard people say that, I used to assume they where lying to themselves to desperately try to avoid facing their own ineptitude and failure and mediocrity. I'm still certain a lot of them are, to tell you the truth, but I also know that it isn't necessarily the case.
Sometimes, the life and job are really, truly just that amazing that you don't want to miss a second of either.
I guess it helps that my job is to do what thrills me anyway (creative processes plus craftsmanship, photography, fashion, running my business) and I do whatever I want, when I want all day long.

The only thing I miss right now are travels, but that's just temporary until we have the worst of the remaining troubles sorted out.

Okay, I'm tired now. Night.