Fibromyalgia sucks talk about painful. I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy (or maybe i would, lol, among other things)... I woke up today and my legs especially were just killing me. ::sobbs:: I don't understand this shit...

It's so confusing... I was doing really good for a while and I thought that maybe I was misdiagnosed... but to my dismay, no they were probably right.. I dunno what else this pain could be. There was a brief discussion of MS, but I'm not even gonna contemplate that option until i have insurance to get checked for it.

I have enough stress as it is...

And the blacking out thing is tripping me out. I don't like that I can not remember a whole ten minute (plus) conversation with my ex... it is really really scary. We was telling me the other day how when I was on the phone with him how I was saying that i was hurting really bad and how it sounded like i was in really bad pain...

and Javier too - said the same basic thing...

SIGH... I have to wonder what i did to deserve this shit. I can think of ten million other ppl who would actually deserve this lame shit, not me pout... I feel very depressed today. I spent a good chunk of the day in and out of bed. There is no reason to get up and do anything... the apartment is practically emaculate and there is nothing really, to do... no one to talk to to, no where to go...

I am lonely. But at the same time, I feel "free"... free and lonely. HA!

oh well.

this is what i get for wanting to be alone. right?

depression, achy legs and over all body pain, and lonliness.

"Chris isn't here to save me anymore"

bah. I don't "NEED" anyone... but life without ppl in general, is no life at all... truth is.

but that is nothing unknown or "new"... to anyone, i would hope...

Same reason why I thought I would have kids a long time ago, cause I always thought as a younger person that a life without kids would be no life at all...

And i still feel that way.

Today, I feel especially bummed...

maybe it't the combination of the pain and the lonliness? I dunno ::shrugs::

whatever.

Sometimes I wonder if i was meant to be with a GUY at all, that maybe I should just stick with girls...

but anyways... now i am just rambling...

le sigh...

***

what an icky day. It is BEAUTIFUL outside today (no stormy weather here at all today) and I don't want to go out... I could mayeb sit out on the porch but that's as far as I would probably go...

awe...

that thought is depressing. when i was younger, i would NEVER be indoors on a day like this... i'd be out playing or chasing butterflies...

now i don't want to get up out of bed

bummer.

I thought things would be different by the time i was this age...

but i keep gettiing dissapointed...



i wish i were here right now... but then again, even i were there, i'd probably be unable to truly enjoy it. Hell, i'd probably be in bed there too.

SIGH. whatever

i feel bad, might as well do bad things...

everything went black today. tell me if i should be concerned...

last night i could not sleep. Or rather, did not sleep "well"... although i tried.

then today at work, of course i was damn exhausted and my legs, also, were just killing me

the past few days have been really BAD in that aspect - in that my legs have been in major pain...

but that is nothing new, really... it comes and goes and i guess when it's not one thing (major panic attakcs, twice a day) I should expect something else to take it's place... hence the pain in my legs that is pracitcally unbarable..

anyways that is beside (this) point actually... today I came home a little early from work and i knew shit was wrong when i was in a crazy (unreal) "fog" on my way home...

when i got there, I called my mom to ask her to stop by with something for the store for me (epson salts, for my legs)...

my little sister calls me later on and says she is gonna bring them instead...

after that - everything is blank.

everything.

apparently, my ex, my friend javi AND my little sister called (again)...

and I don't remember any of it.

none of it. nothing...

BLANK.

***

I only realized it later on, when i checked my phone and saw three received calls... RECEIVED calls?!

Um. First thing I did was text Chris and Javi and ask them if i had talked to them....

they said yes and briefly told me what was said...

??? !!! ??? !!!

I am worried...

should i would be worried???

***

***

***

and, on another note... Chris had told me that he had called to appologize for the other day... but i dont recall that conversation in the least...

aside from that tho, I am a littel irritated with him about all that... he asked me if i was "Ok" and when I said "NO" (that i was worried) he said something to the effect that "well, he wasn't there to "save me" anymore, and yada yada and that it was my decision to be SINGLE"

um... i gave him an honest answer about being worried for my main memory loss and he gives me a guilt trip about shit.

DONT ASK IF YOU DONT CARE.

jerk.

and then he brought up the fact that I changed the locks (saying that it was "harsh")

BAH! not tru not tru! - (him) Coming into my apartment, without telling me, while I am gone (to do whatever, it doesn't matter) is just NOT ok... especially since HE is NOT paying my rent or bills.

so blah.

I am still in pain, only now I am going insane (apparently) and my legs fucking hurt...

***

has anyone voted on the short film yet???

***

2008 Bloodshots 48 Horror Film Making Contest




Please, to help out my friends who made the video, take a moment to VOTE ON IT Road to Hell 3

*** NEW SET UPDATE ***

Vermelho let me see the set we did recently, mostly finished, and eeeeeee! I can't for you to see it. I hope u like it. For those of you who want to "see me" in my sets - this is the one; it's a great representation and I pray that you see it in this set... i'll let you know when it'll be available

***

much love and kisses to you all... i hope ur all well... check out the film Evangeline and I are in; it's pretty damn awesome - we had SO MUCH fun being involved in it... as if you cant tell. LOL






new white eylets! (NoahMack got them for me... but shhhh... dont tell him i said that! hehe XOxo

OMFG! What a GREAT DAY this has been for me.

GREAT shit.

Saw the new set by Vermelho and OMG. I love it. He is SO incredibly talented. I think it is the best representation of me yet and i have him to thank for all of it... I just hope you like it!

***

Got the link to the short:



hope it works, if not, let me know... i am bad with these youtube things... I can't even get my computer to play it, so I haven't seen the final yet...

Please, to help out my friends who made the video, take a moment to VOTE ON IT Road to Hell 3

***

OHHHHHH... and then NOAHMACK sent me more things! OMG I am so SO so shocked... it almost made me sad cause i just dont deserve it!... I cant be thankful enough! I will post LOTS of pics very soon...

XOxoXOxoXOxo, T

Did i mention that my legs are fucking KILLING ME? ::pouts:: they huuuuurt!

anyhoo... here are some random pics...


see the bleeding HEART?




my pretty shoes from NoahMack (Thank YOU!)










my brand new set of prismacolor pencils, thanks again to Mr. NoahMack


::bite::






... this is me, being all "bendy-like" and flexible. lol...



***

The horror film should be up on utube soon... tonight or tomorrow morning... search for Tatian Suicide and maybe you'll find it... If not, I plan to post a link once I get the word from Michael on when it's up and ready.

Hope you like it.

***

THANKS AGAIN to NoahMack for sending me such pretty shoes and new pencils! I am greatful... XOxoXOxoXOxoXOxo

So... the blood and guts... were not AS bloody as I thought they'd be. They were sticky. HAHA (dumb joke)... anyways.. the filming is done and to my surprise and the surprise of you guys too, guess who I got to shoot the film with? - eeee - Evangeline!

talk about a fun time...

i got to hold her, pull her, scream with her, grab her, kiss her, pick guts off her, rescue her from being slaughtered and I did it all topless! woo-hoo! ::EViL GRiN::

MUAHAHAHA... it was "fun" and a LOT of hard work... the script changed quite a few times... The room(s) were hotter than hell and I had a little teeny-tiny issue with being topless for the majority of the movie, but honestly with all the lights, body heatl and re-takes, I was glad to be in my undies, cause if i were any where else and in that same situation i'd be running around with just some boyshorts on anyhow...

ultimately I LOOOOOOOOOOVED it. It was such a great time; we drank all night and had so much fun... inbetween takes we talked about tons of neat shit - guys, politics, etc... I got to meet Evangeline, which was kinda a cool surprise cause I didn't know who was going to be playing her part until I had been there for a few hours...

then, everyone kept canceling on us and so we were not sure who was going to show up or not...

RAWR. I got there around 3pm and didn't leave until about 6am this morning - FOURTEEN HOURS! rawr!!! It was long... and tedious... but i have a new found respect for ppl who do film, for sure...

having to re-write scripts on the fly... having to improvise when shit goes wrong... waiting on all the cast members to get a part right... directing ppl... playing with sticky blood... etc, etc... I gotta give them MAD props for all the hard work...

So yeah... just wanted to let you know how things went. I AM SO SO SO TIRED. I dunno how the hell I got home. It took me over a half an hour to get to my place from the shoot this morning and my eyes were half way closed the whole time... yup... dunno how the fuck i made it home... i thought i'd fall asleep at the wheel for sure.

It was a tru treat to be involved in their film... an honor, really... just hope i did an okay job for them. hahaha...

they are all meeting up down town on 6th street to turn in the final edit of the film... I wanted to go, but well... I am home (obviously - it's 5:55pm) and I am still too tired to be driving... that and I got to get up early for work tomorrow.

AS SOON AS I HAVE A LINK TO THE FILM I WILL POST IT ASAP... along with any pics they might have taken during the filming... (I would've posted other pics, already but my weekend has been busy... and I am tired... sorry)

i love you all... hope u are well... sorry if i have not gotten back to texts or messages... i'll get around to it...

***

***

RAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

***

***

anyhoo... my ex is all mad at me (again)... what a surprise... he text'd me to bitch about me changin some profile info on my this site... I was tired... he kept texting me about this that and the other...

damnit. it is frustrating. for him to take things so litterally, and to always be assuming shit... he'll never trust me, he never has and to be honest, I'm beginning not to care anymore... no matter what i do we'd be arguing about something if i was still with him and I'd be miserable.

i just want to be happy... and i want him to be happy too... but FUCK!!! ... things may seem lonely, but i feel BETTER alone! How terrible is that? it's sad, really... I don't have to come home and worry about impressing anyone, i dont have to come home and worry about pleasing anyone or feeling guilty for not pleasing someone... i don't have to worry about losing myself in an art project or book... I can watch whatever i want and I dont have to hear sports EVER on the television... i HATE listening to/watching sports... I don't think he ever really realized how much...

i can take naps throughout the day, spread my legs all over the bed and stretch out and not have to worry about feeling guilty for leaving him alone in the living room... I can turn the air down so it isn't freezing cold in my apartment... which is SO nice; cause now i just run around in "nothing" and not have to be covered up in a blanket or sweat shirt all the time...

the laptop is all MINE again - I don't have to share it! RAWR. The one thing I hated sharing was my computer - it's my baby and I hated having to share... as terrible as that might sound... also, I don't have to walk anyone thru anything on the computer anymore - over and over again... which i didn't mind all THAT much, but still... sometimes I just want to DO stuff on the laptop and not have to tell someone else or walk someone thru it...

is that mean? I'm just being honest...

He made me SO mad... I totally love him (still) and always will... but now i'm beginning to really see how things are different...

I've been eating better without him around; and i haven't "messed up" once! ::pats my own back::

i can have company over when ever i WANT... and can be alone when I WANT... I don't feel guilty for doing or NOT doing the dishes or antyhing else around the house...

my apartment LOOKS better, it's cleaner and more cozy and there are no creepy little figurines or clowns with sharp teeth anywhere...

SIGH...

I could go ON and ON... it's terribly sad...

I didn't tell my dad for a long time that Chris and I broke it off... and when I did, he was upset of course, but ultimately i think he, my gramma, my mom and everyone else realizes how much better i've been, in general not having to be in a relationship with him (not that it was all bad, it wasn't - just stressful in general)... and they all support me focusing on myself and being a little selfish for once.

I am sorry...

I am sorry cause I know I have hurt him.

But damnit. He's hurt me too. He is not alone in is this pain and if he thinks so, he is VERY mistaken (which i think he does) and THAT - the fact that he probably thinks of me in a bad, negative, mean way, and that I don't and never have loved or cared for him just PISSES me off even more...

it makes me mad that he can't be happy for me, even though he is now alone...

UM, we BOTH are.. and it is by no means "easy"

but if he really loved me, I would think that his love would be unconditional, and that if I were better off with OR WITHOUT him, that he would want to support whichever was better for me...

and for him (of course)...

and I was not happy... he had to have known.. no matter how much I loved him... (and love him still) something was missing and not right...

Anyways, i dont wanna talk about this anymore... but i needed to say something... his texting me all that jazz today made me want to do bad things again...

I didn't... but fuck...

everyday of it and I get a lil bit closer...

Chris I LOVE YOU.. but come on! Let me go! If we are meant to be, than we will be... I don't see that right now. I just don't. No matter how much I MISS and LOVE you... I don't see it.

I've cried enough over this.. I spent 5 and a half years with you.. on this relationship... and I feel somewhat "gipped"... as I am sure you do.

does that not "say" something????

::cries::

tomorrow i'll be covered in blood... running around somewhere... probably in my undies for a horror film being shot out here in Austin.

Don't know what to expect, but I think it will be fun. I'm hoping I'll get to be the gal who lives thru the film and ends up slaughtering the bad guy (I could afford to take out some aggression, even if it's done "fake" like) lol...

SO yeah.... I'm excited about that...

***

Vermelho just informed me that the set we did is almost finished. I will (hopefully) see it early next week and I am even MORE excited about that! I just hope you all like it.

***

Work sucked ass today. I got about 3 hours of sleep (this morning) before work and was a total zombie all damn day. Then, to make matters worse, I royally FAILED a "shop" - HA! - get this shit; One of the guys from recieving who WORKS with me starts walking out the door (pass (my) pro checkout register) with a "shower" (literally) a shower stall... I don't think much of it, cause I'm thinking - "we don't have a lot loader today, so Tad must be loading the thing..." I ask him, kinda of jokingly, "Hey you! Can I see your receipt for that?!"

he flashes it at me from a distance, and waive him off...

BAM. I'm surrounded by management and Tad turns around with the shower stall and takes it back to the pro desk.

HA!

Apparently we get "shopped" by our own employees.

I was SO fucking pissed! I couldn't believe they had him do that; there whole thing was (apparently) "internal theft internal theft internal theft"

All I could say was, fine. You want me to check everything that walks thru that door - no problem...

later on today when the STORE manager was walking through the store to go home, I insisted that I look thru his huge lunch box cooler.

MUAHAHA.... don't have to tell me twice. Ain't NO one leaving that door without me personally and specifically checking their shit.

They are all gonna hate me, but whatever.... I do not plan to fail another LAME (employee) shop! RAWR.

***

Also, on a more serious (sad) note... my gramma is "sick"

SIGH...

I've known about it for a while - she has a heart defect; her valve does not work properly. Basically, the doctor's told her that she either decides to take the risk and fix it, or die from it...

My dad told me a few days ago and I've been worried, chewing on it since... When I was a little girl, my gramma was practically my mom. I'm attached to her at the hip... to know that I might lose her just kills me inside. She is such a strong woman. SO STRONG; she does everything herself - i get a lot of my traits from her - her artistic, independent side definitely stuck to my genes.

I admire and love her so so so much. I can't imagine having to lose her now; it makes my stomach turn.

I told work about it, and thankfully they said, "let us know and do what you gotta do"... so, when the time comes (which will be soon) she will be going in for surgery and I will be leaving to go back to california to be with her...

My gramma is such a young soul. The only thing that is holding her back from living another 15+ years is that damn heart defect she can NOT die from that. I will lose my head and my heart will die with hers.

Please, think happy thoughts (and prayers, if u pray) for my gramma - she is my world.

***

Also, I wanted to thank NoahMack who is in Iraq now, fighting for our country... He is the FIRST person to send me ANY gift from my wish list... I am so terribly flattered and greatful for him and his graciousness and generosity... He got me an adorable pair of shoes and a new set of my favorite colored pencils! I was SO excited to find out that I had packages when I got home from work the other day...

I plan to ADD pics to this post (or the next one) of them... so look out...

I never EVER expected anyone to get me anything off that list; really, it was just a "time killer" for me; when i get bored, every once in a while i'll spend a day "online window shopping"... and throw stuff that i really like on the list...

anyways, it was so so so sweet of him to get me anything, let alone even consider it...

THANK YOU (again) NOAH! Muah! Muah! Muah! i'll send u pics soon! XOxoXOxoXO

***

So yeah... lots of interesting, good stuff, and lots of interesting crappy stuff...

SIGH...

I'm just glad that my gramma decided to try to fix the issue instead of just giving up. So while I am scared for her going thru the surgery, I am also relieved that she is taking action. She's too good a person and too strong a person to NOT try to fix it...

I should know better from her and learn from her and the way she lives her life. She is a tru inspiration; I am "healthier" because of her - she is a big reason why I am still around... and not dead in a coffin somewhere with scars on my wrists...

I HEART HER...

am i still tough enough?
feels like i'm wearing down
is my visciousness
losing ground?
am i taking too much
did i cross a line
i need my role in this
very clearly defined
i need your discipline
i need your help
i need your discipline
you know once i start i cannot help myself
and now it's starting up
feels like i'm losing touch
nothing matters to me
nothing matters as much
i see you left a mark
up and down my skin
i don't know where I end
and where you begin
i need your discipline
i need your help
i need your discipline
you know once i start i cannot help myself
once i start i cannot stop myself

***

This song seems fitting...

Been listening to NIN a lot lately... not that that's any big surprise... cause God damn, I LOOOOVE Trent Reznor. NIN rocks my socks... thank God for him and his music.

***

i didn't do it yet. but no promises. it was hard enough to hold back for one night when it was all i wanted to do... just wanted to let u know i didn't cut...

yet.

yeah... and i'm a pro at it... so nothing to deep, i promise.

as much as I feel like it sometimes, I am not sucidal; I couldn't do that to my lil sister...

cutting for me, is a BIG release... it helps me NOT do "other" things. If that makes any sense...

Anyways, u're all SO WONDERFUL to me. I heart u all... I will get back to all of ur messages...

but now, it's time to go make money so i can pay these damned bills... GIR

XOxoXOxoXOxo

i want to cut SO bad right now

:cries:

this rollercoaster shit is unbearable.

there is something incredibly wrong with me.

bah.

nope, not feeling any better. GIR

i am not feeling very social right now. sorry... just kinda bummed and tired and depressed and stressed among other things. Today at work SUCKED. RAWR... ppl are such dicks. It's a damned holiday ppl! Jeez. Relax - at least u were not working!

***

On a lighter, happier note the shoot with Vermelho went well i think, for those of u who care and I am excited about it... i really hope u like the set. I enjoy working with him and hope to do so again sometime soon in the future...

***

that's it for me tonight... today, whatever... just not up to write much... I kinda wanna crawl under a rock and dissapear. I think my negative, sad, depressive side of my bipolar disorder is gonna take over for a while. which will mean no sleep (not that i am getting any good sleep now), and hard days ahead.

great.

fuck.

fuck me. i should just give up. this life is so damned exhausting... too much more exhausting and "bad" than it is EVER good.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

i am tired of being tired.