PICS
After weeks of a self-imposed seclusion, I ventured out determined to experience my weekend to the fullest. A school event provided an open bar, as well as every ex and admirer of lovely-boy. For the most part they are all exceptional women, but I I was on his turf, and resolved not to shrink into the corner as my sober self desired to do. So I stayed near the bar, talking, laughing, dancing with these women, making friends out of acquaintances, and generally having a rollicking good time, pleased with my outgoing nature and complete lack of jealousy.
Am I justifying the massive amounts of alcohol I consumed? Not exactly. Because after my social victory at the event, special-boy walked off with my wallet intending to do me a favor. Mutually drunken miscommunication reigned, and I thought he was preventing me from moving from his domain to my own, to see a friend he's always been jealous of. His actions DID in fact prevent me from doing so, until I biked all the damn way to the bar he was at after wasting an hour looking for the wallet he had all along. I was mad, and he was caught completely off guard, never having seen this odd side of me before. We cleared things up quickly, and once I realized that I was being ridiculous I sank down onto the sidewalk in a fit of sobs. Weird. Really, really weird.
He had never seen me cry in the 6 months we'd been dating; most people haven't. Eventually the mood subsided and I biked off to grab a beer with the friends I'd been trying to see this whole time. I realize now that I probably stumbled in with a tear-streaked face. Jesus. At least I don't wear makeup, so perhaps my state could have been attributed to the cold wind I biked through.
The rest of my time with them was excellent. I scrambled up a good bit of a slippery telephone pole, wearing rainboots and a skirt. I couldn't bike straight, but I could climb poles. That's just me. Then we mowed on cheap Mexican food and by 4 AM we parted ways. Out of nowhere I can remember, I started to cry again, and didn't stop until I fell asleep. Has that happened to any of you? Bits of the night are fuzzy, but I have the distinct memory of curling up beside my heater, finishing the take-out, reading a trashy novel I found in an alley, and just sobbing. Like it was perfectly normal. I don't even think I was terribly sad. I am still perplexed.
The next morning there was SNOW on the ground, which melted under a vicious afternoon of sun, and all appeared to be strangely, surrreally, normal.
Here's to climbing shit.
Am I justifying the massive amounts of alcohol I consumed? Not exactly. Because after my social victory at the event, special-boy walked off with my wallet intending to do me a favor. Mutually drunken miscommunication reigned, and I thought he was preventing me from moving from his domain to my own, to see a friend he's always been jealous of. His actions DID in fact prevent me from doing so, until I biked all the damn way to the bar he was at after wasting an hour looking for the wallet he had all along. I was mad, and he was caught completely off guard, never having seen this odd side of me before. We cleared things up quickly, and once I realized that I was being ridiculous I sank down onto the sidewalk in a fit of sobs. Weird. Really, really weird.
He had never seen me cry in the 6 months we'd been dating; most people haven't. Eventually the mood subsided and I biked off to grab a beer with the friends I'd been trying to see this whole time. I realize now that I probably stumbled in with a tear-streaked face. Jesus. At least I don't wear makeup, so perhaps my state could have been attributed to the cold wind I biked through.
The rest of my time with them was excellent. I scrambled up a good bit of a slippery telephone pole, wearing rainboots and a skirt. I couldn't bike straight, but I could climb poles. That's just me. Then we mowed on cheap Mexican food and by 4 AM we parted ways. Out of nowhere I can remember, I started to cry again, and didn't stop until I fell asleep. Has that happened to any of you? Bits of the night are fuzzy, but I have the distinct memory of curling up beside my heater, finishing the take-out, reading a trashy novel I found in an alley, and just sobbing. Like it was perfectly normal. I don't even think I was terribly sad. I am still perplexed.
The next morning there was SNOW on the ground, which melted under a vicious afternoon of sun, and all appeared to be strangely, surrreally, normal.
Here's to climbing shit.2:00 AM already, again. I'm frustrated by my lack of progress on this paper, and it's making me edgy, which makes me angry at myself. Alpha boy is being so sweet, but like anyone, he gets annoying sometimes. Normally I brush it off, but these days I jump at the smallest bait. It isn't like me, and amazingly, he knows that and continues to be supportive. But how long can this last? I'm terrified of my image shifting in his eyes into this monster I turn into when a giant stressball swoops down and sucks away my soul. Hopefully I'll eat it alive once I've gotten into the writing of this thing. In the meantime, he's gone to bed having given up on calming me down, and I'm up alone dabbling between research and writing, not quite committing to anything. I think I'll write a paragraph and crawl in with him. There's something wonderfully comforting about knowing that a loving warm body awaits you in bed, but distracting too. I can't last much longer out here. Arrgg.
So Keena has a girlfriend and a boyfriend and I'm jealous and impressed. Ironic though that I just used the word jealous, because that's exactly what's keeping me (and many others) from having too much of a good thing.
I wrote a post here months ago about dealing with a 'special friend's' jealousy over another friend of mine he felt threatened by. I made it clear that I was only sleeping with boy 1, who was alpha boy in every way, but boy 2 was good for going out dancing with, biking around in the empty night streets, hopping fences and running on tracks, and yeah...harmlessly flirting with as well. They're both just such lovely, smart and pretty boys, and they know their places, so why couldn't I have them both, in different capacities?
Jealousy.
Which is completely understandable, even if I'm not technically breaking the rules.
Boy 1 is just as jealous of certain women in my life, and why shouldn't he be? Knowing I could fall in love with a woman as easy as a man makes her just as threatening. I've never understood the "if it's another girl it's ok." Damn-if he started sleeping with another man I'd be crushed! The fact is, I love spending time with him, I love sleeping with him, and I don't like having to compete with anybody else for access to those things.
Nonetheless, there's something tempting about gripping jealousy by the horns and testing yourself, and your partner, to see if you couldn't both overcome the discomfort of learning to share, and gain something challenging, but amazing.
I wrote a post here months ago about dealing with a 'special friend's' jealousy over another friend of mine he felt threatened by. I made it clear that I was only sleeping with boy 1, who was alpha boy in every way, but boy 2 was good for going out dancing with, biking around in the empty night streets, hopping fences and running on tracks, and yeah...harmlessly flirting with as well. They're both just such lovely, smart and pretty boys, and they know their places, so why couldn't I have them both, in different capacities?
Jealousy.
Which is completely understandable, even if I'm not technically breaking the rules.
Boy 1 is just as jealous of certain women in my life, and why shouldn't he be? Knowing I could fall in love with a woman as easy as a man makes her just as threatening. I've never understood the "if it's another girl it's ok." Damn-if he started sleeping with another man I'd be crushed! The fact is, I love spending time with him, I love sleeping with him, and I don't like having to compete with anybody else for access to those things.
Nonetheless, there's something tempting about gripping jealousy by the horns and testing yourself, and your partner, to see if you couldn't both overcome the discomfort of learning to share, and gain something challenging, but amazing.
@()&*)(EURFP(OI_)I@!!! I haven't gotten any thesis-work OR homework done in weeks! Springtime came to Oregon and all I want to do is rock climb, slack line, barbeque, bike ride, and lie by the river reading Hemingway and drinking cold organic white wine. I'm aiming for the all organic local veganism, for a bit, because I think everyone should put in their time at being socially responsible, even if it's hard to make a life commitment. We all make change in our own ways; some people are activists, others focus on being a good person in the realm of their friends and families, and it's hard to say which approach, micro or macro, long term or short-term extreme, is most effective. So long as you've got something you're passionate about and can commit to for a bit. There will always be worthy causes that present themselves.
Like drinking delicious organic wine and eating curry tempeh scrambles with indian carrot salad and a poached pear drizzled with honey and cinnamon is much of a sacrifice...
But no more dawdling in the grass, it's work time. Don't let me back on till I've written at least two pages of my next chapter.
Here's the top of a local butte on a lovely warm night...ahhhhh
Like drinking delicious organic wine and eating curry tempeh scrambles with indian carrot salad and a poached pear drizzled with honey and cinnamon is much of a sacrifice...
But no more dawdling in the grass, it's work time. Don't let me back on till I've written at least two pages of my next chapter.
Here's the top of a local butte on a lovely warm night...ahhhhh
Well-thank you for your comments of support.
And speaking of non-vag shots (although anatomically off, I do kinda love that word. Vag. Haha, vag...)
Oh, but anyway, architecture!
Visited the Steven Holl addition to the Kansas City art museum. First of all, Kansas City, MO is an oddly beautiful place. The colossal Union Station pays tribute to the forgotten grandeur of crossing the country by train. Downtown is full of that sort of faded elegance, having been completely forgotten and left to crumble while money is funneled into malls and country clubs on the outskirts. The museum is pretty centrally located, and free, and open till 9 PM three nights a week. Art should be free to look at, and it should be part of the nightlife. They should really start serving drinks and keep them open till 2...they could replace the money lost on free-admission with the drink revenue.
Here's a sweet shot or two of the inside, polished plaster interior walls and insulated glass exterior. The little stick figure in the red coat is me. Tell me what you think of the place, since it's pretty much love or hate. Check it out online or somethin if you're unfamiliar.
And speaking of non-vag shots (although anatomically off, I do kinda love that word. Vag. Haha, vag...)
Oh, but anyway, architecture!
Visited the Steven Holl addition to the Kansas City art museum. First of all, Kansas City, MO is an oddly beautiful place. The colossal Union Station pays tribute to the forgotten grandeur of crossing the country by train. Downtown is full of that sort of faded elegance, having been completely forgotten and left to crumble while money is funneled into malls and country clubs on the outskirts. The museum is pretty centrally located, and free, and open till 9 PM three nights a week. Art should be free to look at, and it should be part of the nightlife. They should really start serving drinks and keep them open till 2...they could replace the money lost on free-admission with the drink revenue.
Here's a sweet shot or two of the inside, polished plaster interior walls and insulated glass exterior. The little stick figure in the red coat is me. Tell me what you think of the place, since it's pretty much love or hate. Check it out online or somethin if you're unfamiliar.
Thanks for all the comments and what not; some are pretty damn creative. "More junk in the trunk than a Honda" ?(It also rhymes with Jane Fonda. I love it.)
Some of the tags are pretty funny too. Like the one that says "no vag." I have a couple questions for whoever left that one. 1) Do you actually want to see my vaginal canal, or did you mean vulva? I know some folks are all about the full gynecological exam, but you'll just have to trust me that my cervix has been deemed "pink and healthy" on my last visit, and I'm not really looking for any second opinions.
2) Do you think that "more vag" equals sexier photos? It can, certainly. There are a lot of gorgeous and daring women baring their vulvas on this site, and a whole lot more of them on sites like Hustler. But there are also a lot of Suicide Girls who aren't spreading their lips and are just as hot. The variety is really impressive, and I'd like to think I'm contributing to it somehow.
3) Have you ever shown pictures of your pussy to the world for free or do you not have the balls? Somethin to think about...
Oh, and about the chainmail bikini and the woolly mammoth rides, it's an excellent set idea that TheTuna came up with, though I don't think she was thinking of it that way. If I can get ahold of the mammoth and the armor, I do solemnly swear to create the sexiest set anyone's ever done with mammoths.
Some of the tags are pretty funny too. Like the one that says "no vag." I have a couple questions for whoever left that one. 1) Do you actually want to see my vaginal canal, or did you mean vulva? I know some folks are all about the full gynecological exam, but you'll just have to trust me that my cervix has been deemed "pink and healthy" on my last visit, and I'm not really looking for any second opinions.
2) Do you think that "more vag" equals sexier photos? It can, certainly. There are a lot of gorgeous and daring women baring their vulvas on this site, and a whole lot more of them on sites like Hustler. But there are also a lot of Suicide Girls who aren't spreading their lips and are just as hot. The variety is really impressive, and I'd like to think I'm contributing to it somehow.
3) Have you ever shown pictures of your pussy to the world for free or do you not have the balls? Somethin to think about...
Oh, and about the chainmail bikini and the woolly mammoth rides, it's an excellent set idea that TheTuna came up with, though I don't think she was thinking of it that way. If I can get ahold of the mammoth and the armor, I do solemnly swear to create the sexiest set anyone's ever done with mammoths.
Hmm. I've had two questions arise from my last post. 1) What is my article about? That I will leave a secret, as the other question is much more interesting. 2) If I turn into a Woolly Mammoth, can you ride around town in a chain-mail bikini? YES. Of course. Get ready, I feel the Mammoth power coming on.
Ah! My first chapter is nearly done. I've written 17 pages in 3 days. Intertextuality, critical reflexivity, bite my ass....mrrrr, qualitative methodology is important, but you can get so caught up in HOW to write a scholarly article that you lose sight of the message you really want to convey. Which is ultimately sort of a "fuck the welfare overhaul, the republican contract with america, and this rhetoric of personal responsibility that sees poverty as a choice." Only now that I've come to a stopping point, while FAR from done, I may sleep for a few days, then be reborn as a woolly mammoth and ravage the academy, feasting on paperback books and taking large, papery shits on the manicured lawns. No! I love school. I think I just want to be a mammoth, and it is hard to contain such bestial passions. Muahqwr9132084012e )PA(I!&&#*@()!)#*(!#)!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, so there is nothing to be done about the frustrating internet technicalities. I will send a cd, and maybe sometime next year you will see more of me.
In the meantime, to answer your questions, I'm studying human geography with a feminist focus. Geography isn't just maps (though those are pretty fascinating and nuanced and indicative of how societies identify with place) but is really a study of the patterns that shape the earth, be those physical or cultural. Migration, population, urbanization, all fall under human geography. And they're all terribly gendered. Right now I'm looking at US federal policy on poverty, and how it can actually act as population control for the poor. There's an idea that "we" don't want more of "them" continuing this unbridled breeding. The facts are all messed up, or lacking completely, and the policy is often overtly racist and sexist...and classist goes without saying, right, because it is by nature only targeting the poor.
Ah, I'm writing a thesis on all this, so I could go on for, well, literally days. Perhaps I will...just post a fun new find every time I get on here. Public policy analysis is really racy stuff.
I like books.
In the meantime, to answer your questions, I'm studying human geography with a feminist focus. Geography isn't just maps (though those are pretty fascinating and nuanced and indicative of how societies identify with place) but is really a study of the patterns that shape the earth, be those physical or cultural. Migration, population, urbanization, all fall under human geography. And they're all terribly gendered. Right now I'm looking at US federal policy on poverty, and how it can actually act as population control for the poor. There's an idea that "we" don't want more of "them" continuing this unbridled breeding. The facts are all messed up, or lacking completely, and the policy is often overtly racist and sexist...and classist goes without saying, right, because it is by nature only targeting the poor.
Ah, I'm writing a thesis on all this, so I could go on for, well, literally days. Perhaps I will...just post a fun new find every time I get on here. Public policy analysis is really racy stuff.
I like books.
Mrawr. This damn site won't let me up load any set, so I have to send in a cd and wait another month or so. That's the frustrating bit; it takes about a month for the decision to be made, another for the set to go live, and more than a month to get the check, IF it's accepted at all, which my last one wasn't. (So it was actually uploaded in November, and I got paid in February,
By the way, it seems entirely appropriate to rant about dead-boring trivial bullshit on this blog, so I can spare my real live friends, and no one else has to read it. But I feel like I've said my bit. I think I'm just stressed with school. So much research. And annoyed with people and their various addictions and their claims of quitting and the whole "I don't need this, I just want it" and 01289qewi08u09qwiou)(@*#O$()Q@!!*)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah.
My staggering realization was that I don't care what the hell kind of vices anyone employs, unless they're someone I can't imagine not having in my life. Oddly I can imagine living without most of my friends; I've moved around enough to know that I make friends easily and excellent people are everywhere. I've also had the repeated experience of losing touch with people I thought I'd be best friends with forever, and being just fine. So for the most part, I let my friends have their vices, and they let me have mine.
But there have been a couple I couldn't stand to lose. Sometimes it's a "lover," someone I spend entirely Too much time with already and have occasional fleeting thoughts of 'what if...what if we wound up together, what if we had a loft in Dumbo or a cabin in the Adirondacks or we traveled through Mongolia drinking Yak butter tea...I could see myself having a cat with this one..." etc.
And in these instances, I become a lot more invested, and the same behaviors I don't mind in others grate on my nerves. Then I start to nag, just a bit here and there at first, then gradually more the more I care about the person, and they get agitated and increase the smoking/drinking/acid/whateverthefuck because they're asserting some kind of independence. From me.
What exactly is the way around this? I could decide to go back to "being chill" But I can't decide not to care. And is that better, to let someone I care about do something that isn't immediately life threatening, but won't send them into a ripe old age either? If I do wind up settling down with anyone, I'm going to want them around for a while. Or at least to have that option, you know? Enough. Maybe there's no answer besides "do your homework and stop writing boring blogs." Yeah, I like that one.
By the way, it seems entirely appropriate to rant about dead-boring trivial bullshit on this blog, so I can spare my real live friends, and no one else has to read it. But I feel like I've said my bit. I think I'm just stressed with school. So much research. And annoyed with people and their various addictions and their claims of quitting and the whole "I don't need this, I just want it" and 01289qewi08u09qwiou)(@*#O$()Q@!!*)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah.
My staggering realization was that I don't care what the hell kind of vices anyone employs, unless they're someone I can't imagine not having in my life. Oddly I can imagine living without most of my friends; I've moved around enough to know that I make friends easily and excellent people are everywhere. I've also had the repeated experience of losing touch with people I thought I'd be best friends with forever, and being just fine. So for the most part, I let my friends have their vices, and they let me have mine.
But there have been a couple I couldn't stand to lose. Sometimes it's a "lover," someone I spend entirely Too much time with already and have occasional fleeting thoughts of 'what if...what if we wound up together, what if we had a loft in Dumbo or a cabin in the Adirondacks or we traveled through Mongolia drinking Yak butter tea...I could see myself having a cat with this one..." etc.
And in these instances, I become a lot more invested, and the same behaviors I don't mind in others grate on my nerves. Then I start to nag, just a bit here and there at first, then gradually more the more I care about the person, and they get agitated and increase the smoking/drinking/acid/whateverthefuck because they're asserting some kind of independence. From me.
What exactly is the way around this? I could decide to go back to "being chill" But I can't decide not to care. And is that better, to let someone I care about do something that isn't immediately life threatening, but won't send them into a ripe old age either? If I do wind up settling down with anyone, I'm going to want them around for a while. Or at least to have that option, you know? Enough. Maybe there's no answer besides "do your homework and stop writing boring blogs." Yeah, I like that one.
