Ugh. I'm a sick fuck. I've been looking up wedding advice and articles on how to plan, calling it "research" because of an avenue of employment I've been looking into, when I know that really, I want to have NIko propose to me, and then I can take a year planning a wedding, we get married in the most amazing "love share" evar, and then I set out to making a beautiful home for him, and loving the shit out of him even until after we die or we lose bowel control, either way, it's what I want.

When I was a kid, and even when I was engaged, I couldn't see myself really ever getting married. Now when Niko holds my hand within 1 block of a church I start sweating.

What the fuck happened to me? I never thought I'd be so willing to bond my life to another's.

I hope this is either the real thing (and it happens and I'm stoked), or these notions I've had in my head heavily for the past 6 months (we've been together a year) just disappear one day, and I can quit looking at wedding dresses, and my biological clock can fuck right the fuck off.

Man this month being away from him is going to suck. I'm going to go look up flower arrangements kthnx.

After this Sunday, I would like to just go to sleep until July 20th or so.

Being unemployed is driving me crazy. I have way too much time on my hands. I spend it by watching tv, pacing, not eating due to stress (which coincidentally saves me money), being on the internet way too much, and maniacally applying to jobs online. No money means no fun, especially when I have to drive far to get to any of my friends. Oh, and I cry a lot.

Niko is going to Greece tomorrow for a month. Bad timing. This is even more fucked than last years trip because at least last year I had the money to call him. This time around, I have to wait for him to call me. Keeping myself busy this time around is going to be a huge challenge.

My anxiety is pretty fucked. I wish I had some meds for that. I may need to look into that.

I've been reading books on how to be strong and stay positive. They don't seem to be having the desired effect.

So yeah. If in the next 4-6 weeks I seem really awful, you now know why.

Just pray I find a job. I seem to be in danger of losing everything right now.

-Syd

PS: I'm beginning to believe that society is cultivating a mass culture of Histrionic behavior.

When I comment around SG today, you can be sure that I'll be wearing jammies, geek glasses, and will probably need to brush my teeth.

Happy tuesday, mofo's.

Crappiest interview ever. This guy was a jerk-off.

Job interview today. I had to buy a suit.

I wish there was a store that just only sold professional yet slightly tarty business clothes. (express doesn't count- my boobs are too big.

I even took out my monroe and put in a retainer.

I feel so....boring.

Any who....wish me luck!

My ass hurts, and I smell like gin.

This whole "looking for fulfilling employment" thing is really starting to get to me.

I may sound like a snob, but I'm holding out for the right money and the right environment.

Otherwise I'll be on the news for being on top of a building naked with a deer rifle. Too bad my mom would first think, "How did she get a fucking deer rifle?".

I figure I'm going to have to work while trying to start my little awesome business venture. I'm ok with this....I just need the fucking job.

*looks around*

Yeah.

I think I'm going crazy.

I'm thinking about starting a business....and everyone is saying it's a good idea.

Life's still a mess.

I wish I didn't have to wake up until this is all over.

I'm not ok.

And I have no idea when anything will be okay again.