*Love came like an axe and had her way with this coarse earth, and a small deserving book she was recovered and understood, and i awoke*
(morning new disease - jets to brazil)

*

*
because leaving the house did a world of difference.
*
its a lot better to be awake
*

*
especially when one is not alone in bed.
*
Master is in the house now. and it was a lovely night and loving morning.
*
been a long time i hadn't looked foward this badly to a weekend. i need it. badly. to dance, to drink, to be foolish, to dress up, to dance barefoot, to jump into the mosh pit, get bruised, dirty, sweaty, tired... and happy.
*
i hope there are nice things going on this weekend. if there aren't, sunday will have to do. why? j-rock party on sunday, hon. LOVE UNDER SYNTHETIC TOUCH
*

(moi, as fruits et Kodomoyo, as elegant lolita @ last Visual Kei event)
*
i need new photos for my fotolog. mom sees them, so they gotta be "reasonable".
*
not that i mind, of course. its for her sake.
*
(i better get a gummi bear assortment for the weekend. vodka, lemon soda and gum candy make for some of my favourite things).
*
just like marshmellow and hot chocolate on a cold night.
*
and being Yours... darn, it makes me happy!
*

*
i am just too lazy to study for my college entrance exams, so i just keep surfing SG. its starting to make me feel strange, though. i keep visualizing all the pretty ladies i see in SG sets, and i had an SG nightmare last night. a really scary one too.
*
but i wanna go to town tomorrow buy the books to study. and change my labret jewel.
*
happier today because i lost another kilo despite all the food. or not. i'm skipping meals again, and that is bad.
*
(i went to the gym yesterday).
*
all i know is that today has been nice. Master is speaking of chaining me down for the day, so i better get up before He actually does.
*

*
"Ah kizuna ga hodokete yuku koto nante Angai kantan na mono kamo ne
Ah hodoketa kizuna wo musubu koto wa igai to muzukashii
Ketsudan wo shita toki ni fumi komenai nante ichiban dasai koto wo yamemashou
Rikai wa iranai kyoukan shite kure Atai wa kotoba ga heta dakara
Honto no yasashisa shitteru kimi nara Itami wo hodoki ni kite okure
Tsubutta mabuta no naka ni hirogatta hoshi no umi wa ganpeki no soto e afureteku"
(bonds~kizuna - an cafe)
*
because people watching is my favourite sport:

*life is really funny when we try to be serious*

*
orkut , myspace , fotolog , slaveregister , suicidegirls.
*
bowling for soup. jets to brazil. misfits. me first and the gimme gimmes. new found glory. jimmy eat world.
*
black coffee. peanut butter and jam sandwich.
*
two days since i last left the house.
*

*
i don't wanna.
*
"hate your parents 'cause of the way you turned out
But in the end the blame's on you
And we all sympathize with your torn-apart heart
And your really artistic worldly views
It sells records when you're sad these days
It's super cool to be mad these days

I think rock and roll is really funny when it's serious

Don't hate us 'cause we're happy
Don't hate us 'cause we're beautiful
Don't hate us if we make you smile
Or if we go the extra mile
To make someone feel better on a really shitty day
And if you're hearing what I'm saying then
I want to hear you say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)
Say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!) "
(i'm gay - bowling for soup)
*

*

*

*
i'm going to stop thinking. and do something.
*

"She's a Myspace kid livin a virtual life. ... Close your eyes and the time tick by.. In this life, it's OK to cry, sometimes. It can be hard to see what's right in front of you. You're gonna smile sometimes, your worlds will collide. I know you're tired of waiting, so when you're through with hating, you'll ba a much more beautiful person, and now you know. And now you know. "
(much more beautiful person - bowling for soup)
*

*
yes, He startles me, over and over.
*
and when i think i'm falling less in love, i fall in love all over again.
*
but He only knows because He reads this. luckily, He reads everything i write. it's easier than saying it.
*
(i suck at saying things)
*

*
i don't care for raindrops on roses, or whiskers on kittens, or cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels, or doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles...
*
You are soooo my favorite thing (?!).
*
do You actually know when i am sad or happy, or what is going thru my heart?
*
its confusing even for me.
*
happier and more peaceful now.
*
because in the afternoon it was the laundry and a hot shower.
*
then You arrived.
*
and while i drew my new tattoo (finally), You even made something to eat. soooo impromptu.
*
sometimes You are sooo sweet. some tmes, out worldly.
*
well, the tattoo is designed. thanks to the lovely set by Fawn, i got the missing link and the image is perfect. ohhh, can't wait to get it now...
*
thanks, lovely lady.
*
i should try and do something other than stay online while Master is out with His daughter.
*
(lazy to hook up the PS2)
*
oh well, for today its all good.
*
so i'll just hang around listening to punk covers till You return.
*
because You take me as i am.
*
"I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know You wouldn't want it any other way"
*
nighty night. i'll try not to be glued to the pc tomorrow.
*

(because there was a time when i was had dreams, and plans, and illusions. there was a time when i was silly. but i was happy, every single day).

*



*

i listen to them every day. because they give me some hope. my windmills are getting the best of me. fuck metaphysics.

*

Praise Chorus - Jimmy Eat Words

"Are you gonna live your life wonderin' standing in the back lookin' around?
Are you gonna waste your time thinkin' how you've grown up or how you missed out?
Things are never gonna be the way you want.
Where's it gonna get you acting serious?
Things are never gonna be quite what you want.
Or even at 25, you gotta start sometime.
I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Are you gonna live your life standing in the back looking around?
Are you gonna waste your time?
Gotta make a move or you'll miss out.
Someone's gonna ask you what it's all about.
Stick around nostalgia won't let you down.
Someone's gonna ask you what it's all about.
Whatcha gonna have to say for yourself?
I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Crimson and clover, over and over.
Crimson and clover, over and over.
Our house in the middle of the street, why did we ever meet?
Started my rock 'n roll fantasy.
Don't don't, don't let's start, why did we ever part?
Kick start my rock 'n rollen heart.
I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
So come on Davey, sing me somethin' that I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Here tonight.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight."

*
aren't those cheerful lyrics?
*

*
i really need to dance. it helps. a lot.
*
even if i am dancing with myself.
*
mosh pits are perfection.
*
yes, music helps.
*
but i feel distressed. its probably the blood loss.
*
i'm gonna get sick again, i know.
*
(fucking blood loss)
*
well...
*
one can only hope...
*

*
(save me.)
*

*computer geek*

*
i busted my right knee yesterday, i don't know how. all i know is that it hurts as hell right now, and it doesnt look pretty either.
*
no, i didnt go to the gym. instead, i cleaned the apartment from 3 to 9 pm.
*
yeah, 6 hours is a lot. but i am a meticulous person. plus Master was home and in the way. that is why i always rather do my chores when i am alone.
*

*
woke up early, again. i just am not able to go back to sleep after Master leaves for work.
*
but spent the last 2 hours editing photos to create a BME account. sharpness, focus, contrast, size... and of course, my logo.
*
some photos i just love. well, there are a lot of photos.
*

*
sometimes it can be irritating to have a man around.
*
yesterday i was quite stressed and angry.
*
no, i never talk about these things. that's why i write about these things.
*
but the order i created yesterday looks quite chaotic already today.
*
yes, i am a slave, and a domestic one. but i would be thrilled not to find anymore chocolate on the kitchen floor.
*
(last nights dishes still in the sink)
*

*
" waited..
my complicated,overrated girl
You know that I hated,we suffocated
and Overstated everything
Why can't you be bi-sexual instead of bi-polar?"
(bowling for soup - bipolar)
*

*
still got cramps today. its gonna be a tough call.
*
darn this computer!
*
and yesterday i got thru quite a few items on my list. supermarket, post office, bank, cleaning...
*
but i got laundry to do now... and its cold. and i do my laundry manually, so go figure.
*
a bitchin'...
*

*
i'm trying to keep off philosophy. but the mother-fucker just wont let me be.
*
msn conversation, with an old fuck buddy, yesterday:
him: so, are you living alone.
me: no, you know i have a Master.
him: oh, you are still doing that kind of thing?
me: have you ever seen me give up on something?
him: no. never.
me: right. i never give up. i just get bored and quit.
him: so you aren't bored yet?
me: don't think so. i finally found someone who is capable of startling me.
*
i have strange im conversations. really strange.
*
and way too many ex fuck buddys on my list
*
ouch.
*

*
i must confess that i feel jealous of foolish things.
*
luckily, me and Master have a completely different taste for women. luckily?
*
how the hell did He ever pick me?
*
but i got my 5 educational lashes last night.
*
i just feel quite off.
*
(probably the blood loss)
*

*
dunno. i feel strange.
*
(emo.)
*

*
"All we need is love and beer
And old school metal and holiday cheer
TO be happy
(All you need is someone near)
like ben and jerry
(to hold you close and pretend that they care)

can we all just, get along now
we found something that we all have in common now
we can hold hands, do keg stands
water skiing sounds great to me now

Sail around the world and tell them all to keep singing it
la la la la la la
all we needs a harmony and we'll convince the world to sing
la la la la la la
throw your arms around someone (throw your arms around someone)
maybe spread a little love
I know it sounds a little dumb (or maybe we're a little drunk)
But all we need is some ice cream and a hug

All we need is love and beer
all we need is some ice cream and a hug
all we need is some ice cream and a hug
all we need is some ice cream and a hug"
(shut up and smile - bowling for soup)

*
maybe i happy song will do.
*

*monday morning, won't i ever get outta bed?*

*
for the third time in 6 weeks, it's that time of the month again. it's really pissing me off now.
*
strange. the last two photo shoots it was that time. i wonder if it was that (nah...)
*
been an hour Master has left for work. i gotta get up some time soon.
*
just lingering on-line.
*

*
so for the first time ever i asked Master to hurt me yesterday.
*
i love the bruises.
*
and all my chores done, we just cuddled, and i lay in His lap as He was online.
*
later on we went to the mall with His daughter.
*
and ate till we could take no more.
*
(that has to stop, i'm hating my size)
*
and i should stop telling myself that i am just bloated. nhah. back to the stair master.
*
i guess i've been spending too much time here. my other web stuff is a bit neglected. gotta get to myspace and slave register.
*
About time to go home last night, Master's daughter started acting out, so i put on my earphones and turned my back to it. but then i got lost from Master and it felt terribly scary and awful... for five minutes.
*
we got home really late, and i had bad cramps, so we went straight to bed.
*
so much on my to do list already, and it keeps growing. i guess first thing is making some coffee...
*
awwww, caffeinne.
*

*
(new hair photos)
*











*
"surviving the insult day to day
they give you the insult to make it go away
and o-oh what can i say?
i got a wine swept smile and a well-timed mile
i've been running since i heard they'd sooner see us die
than o-oh come and die next to us"
(Jets To Brazil - Your X-Rays Have Just Come Back From The Lab And We Think We Know What Your Problem Is)
*

(everything in moderation. especially moderation).

*
lazy sunday with Master, at home. it feels great. although doing house chores and cooking in nothing but a hooters t-shirt is absurdly tacky.
*
and last night i was too tired to go out and booze. sad. i hate missing out on saturday nights.
*
but i felt really tired and strange, because my body was tingly all over for some reason.
*
(i'm starting to not feel so submissive. i think i need a good flogging)
*
and i spent some hours online while Master was in the pool with His daughter editing photos of my new hair do.
*
because i really don't know how i feel about it. up to now, i really like it.
*
but the photos are in the other computer, so i can't post them now.
*
nhah...
*
back to my chores. old photo, but i like it.
*




*
"Everything In Moderation (Especially Moderation)" - NOFX

39 My hair should be parted not spiked and green
My nights should end at 10 and not 6 am
But it is and they don't
I still get excited when the Adolescents play
Wake up not knowing what I did last night
Finding out and thinking that was cool and not sad

I might be an adult but I'm still a minor at heart
OK my liver is my senior part
But that's a part you can trade in
When your band has been a band longer than the Ramones
And critics coin you "the punk Rolling Stones"
That's when you know this is for life

*

"To be or not to be -
That is not the question!
I decided long ago to be!
With me, it's what to be,
Now, make me some suggestions,
Good or bad,
Which is the best for me?
When you're after fun and laughter, this aggravates you,
Some reformers say a warmer climate awaits you!

If it's naughty to rouge your lips,
Shake your shoulders and shake your hips,
Let a lady confess, I want to be bad!

If it's naughty to vamp the men,
Sleep each morning till after ten,
Then the answer is yes, I want to be bad!

This thing of being a good little goodie is all very well,
What can you do when you're loaded with plenty of health
And vigor.

When you're learning what lips are for,
And it's naughty to ask for more,
Let a lady confess, I want to be bad!

Oh, if it's naughty to rouge your lips,
Shake your shoulders and shake your hips,
Then, let a lady confess, I want to be bad!
Boop-boop-a-doop!

And, if it's naughty to vamp the men,
Sleep each morning till after ten,
Then the answer is yes, I want to be bad!

Nobody cares just how blue and how lonesome I am!
If I have troubles and laugh, why they don't give a dam-
Sel credit.

If it's wrong to let someone take,
Just a little kiss by mistake,
Let a lady confess, I want to be ba-da-da-da-da-da
Bad!"

I want to be bad - Helen Kane

*
the difference is visible when Master is around.
*
and now that He is back and i have quit that awful vanilla job, it will be a true 24/7 M/s lifestyle.
*
(i love when He feeds me candy...)
*
its just sooo fascinating to observe how i can actually still be a riot grrl, and at the same time, be His submissive pet. i like that He likes to doll me up.
*

*
it felt good to come home. home is here now. with Him.
*
and our intimacy.
*
so after an 8 hour over-night bumpy bus trip, i arrived. and unpacked and tidyied up as quick as i could.
*
to doll up for Him.
*
He likes cute. He says its better than sexy. i agree. so i go for cute, every time. as He had requested, i got my nails done black. as He had requested, i corseted my genital captive rings with a black ribbon. to complement, i laced up my nipple rings as well. Ribbon overdose? well, in Fruits Basket they call it masculine romantic imagination.
*
i got some nice surprises today. One was to receive a letter. A letter! Wow, it had been years. ´Cute, in kawaii paper, and really personal.
*

*
got other surprises too. already busted my feet for the day in one of them. nhah...
*
and now i have permanent sterling silver bells for my nipple rings. cute. really cute. luckily, they don't buldge that much under the bra.
*
and peanut butter. (that is dangerous). and cute panty hose. and drooling for VS makeup.
*
but most important, Master is back. no more feeling like a "home alone" pet.
*

*
i guess Master missed me too. but i love bruises, so it's ok. it was a good workout. nhah.
*
that got me sitting funny for tonight. nhah again.
*
but then we had to hang out with His daughter. she actually finds it funny when i growl at her. 5 year olds...
*
supermarket. oh the daily life chores. turned fun by the fact i did it barefoot.
*
and now, the rock bar. Master says i look a bit trashy. fun. long live the queen Courtney...
*

*
l.o.v.e.
*
the night is young and i already got the tingly signs of a hangover.
*
(i better hit the gym tomorrow).
*

*
why is it that when people repeat kind words, we actually believe them?
*
and when they tell you over and over, it hurts when it turns out to not be true.
*
(truth doesn't exist)
*
tomorrow my metaphysical reason to keep on living will make sense. it doesnt now. at all.
*
life makes no sense.
*
(post lunch coma).
*
i am just happy i will be entitled to the minimun privacy a human being must have.
*
how the hell did i turn out myself brought up in this environment? in this town?
*
mysterious. i met a girl from church choir yesterday at the bar i was. we used to go to the same church when we were 13 or 14. i dropped out sick from hipocrasy. i turned out lost, with no faith, but happier than if i were blind. and turned out pierced. fun. the girl was quite pierced. and was punk. is that what happens to church girls when they grow up?
*
oh July Garland, i just can't walk on the sunny side of the street right now.
*
(why did someone ever have to tell me about this site?)
*
i need to get back to my journal. paper feels more comfortable than a computer screen.
*
grey days drive me insane.
*











*
i must find my subspace.