*
i'm getting cold feet.
.
and i'm constantly on the verge of tears. No, i'm constantly crying.
.
more painful than the pain itself is knowing He takes thinks i'm being a whining bitch and wimp when i am being as strong as i can right now. How long have i been hurting for?
.
these have been the longest weeks in a long time. But at least i could be with a friend yesterday, and it was worth it even if it wasn't everything it could have been. Even if the we couldn't stay, even if...

sweeties
.
i'm hungry.
.
i'm clearly not able to take care of myself these days. And i guess He is too busy to care. He must be tired... that's it.
.
at least He takes the time to buy symbols that show the world i'm His. As His as the box of toy cars and the old video games lying unused in the mess room. Nevertheless, His. And i like rhinestones.

it spells "sexy dog"
.
so i'll pop another pill, brew myself some coffee and call it a day. This should be interesting. i haven't had caffeine in ages. i'll have mine with some frangelico and milk, thank you.
.
i'm so sad it makes my my tummy hurt. My moods are swinging in a dangerous way.
.
note to self: hurting myself does not hurt Him.
.
and keep your eyes peeled. The feeling of impending doom has been lingering for a while. i think its about to hit the fan. In a good way, of course. All good things. i deserve them. i do!

i need a puppy. They make me smile. Or i will start attacking people for hugs.

.
Now, now... make justice to my real name and let the good times roll?
.
Bored much?




i really must get up. It's 9 in the afternoon.
.
The orthopedist will be visited on Monday (like my use of the passive voice?). And he will tell me i can go back to dancing. He must!
*

*
p.s.: i wish i could just go and see my parents today. i miss my mom's hugs and my dad's pancakes. If i could drive, that would be a well worth 500 km drive.
p.s.2: i love You. Baka!
p.s.3: the pain has actually gotten to the point it hurts even when i don't move. Pass the pain killer, please.
*

*
"i've seen it. It's rubbish."

yeah, i'm quite the anti-social one today.
*

1. Has anyone ever heard of Sherif Sabri Creative Communications in Egypt? One of their so-called employees approached me on myspace for a dancing gig in a very fishy manner. Oh well, after the "job-interview" i had with a middle-eastern ending with rape years ago i tend of fearing anything related to egypt/any other muslim country.

2. I took 3 tablets of
dorflex and shortly after 3 500 mg tablets of depakote because i have slept all day and need to sleep more but just can't because i'm too hungry (i think i'm on a hunger strike - haven't eaten in the past 24 hours and won't till He tells me too and He's not talking to me). NOT a smart move. My heart is beating like a Japanese drum show, my muscles are stiffening, my ears are buzzing and my extremities are extremely cold. My hands are shaking crazy now... i just wanted to sleep... argh, brain fog. So sorry if i'm not making sense here.

3. Just for the record, the last diagnosis i had was cyclothimic bipolar disorder. i was medicated only once, when my Man thought a cutting episode was actually a suicide attempt (IT WASN'T), and i had to take Depakote because some stupid ER psychiatrist thought i was going thru mania. The worst two weeks of my life, those were. And i haven't gone to therapy since 2004, when aforementioned rape episode occurred.

4. Consider yourselves all hugged, because the only one around me right now is the MAN, and He is actually growling at me whenever i try to speak to Him.

5. Cold feet refers to the literal situation. My blood pressure has just dug a hole in the ground. Its soooo cold. Argh... My head is throbbing. Damn.

6. I'll be ok tomorrow. i cut myself, but i'll be ok.

7. During the hours i was able to sleep i dreamt:
- i was in driving a car (i don't even know how to turn the thing on) without a drivers license, was carjacked and raped, then brutally mutilated.
- i was in SG magazine
- i was in bondage but the torture consisted of kisses and breast and pussy rubbing by an adorable sweet lady with large breasts and colored hair. And she had a strap-on. Hmmmm... if only i could go back to this dream.

8. in the past 30 seconds. Shit!

9. its been over two months since:







i like bondage. i just don't enjoy pain in the wrong context. Or do you really call giving the same treatment to punishment you give to play conditioning?

9. Damn i'm a whining bitch. i should just shut up.

*
awww, forget it.
.
they usually say if you want something done right you might as well do it yourself, right?
.
turns out, i'm grounded. And really wanting to hurt myself. Not like badly, just a bit so the pain goes away.
.
time for a shower and some loud music and then going to my meeting.
.
if you could only peek inside my brain it would be enough to make you go mad.
.
its always been only me. So what i feel sad and trapped and lonely, and anguished and there is a awful scream stuck in my throat? after i come to my senses i'll just kick that abused pathetic little person into her place and i'll be ok again, for a while. After a few glasses of booze, that is.
*

*
Love and Fuck me, goddamnit!





*

*
Whatever. i'm an extraordinary machine!


" But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time
...
I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at peace and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play
...
If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine"

Fiona Apple
*

*
It's Saturday night! What should i wear?!!!!!!!!!
.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It has to stop raining so He takes me out. i sooooo want/need to! Yay!
.
Want a jelly bean?

Happy Chocolate Day!
(i never eat the blue ones. Argh!)
*

*
Fun-filled holidays rock my socks off!
.
i've eaten over 500grs of jelly beans already. Yummy! And tomorrow i'll dig into the chocolate.
.
Obviously, i'm going on a diet on Monday. Gotta love binge-inducing holidays.
*

*
Yesterday:
- sleeping in
- shaving

- Japanese neighborhood (Liberdade). Bubble tea, kimchi okonomiyaki with tuna salad, korean ice cream, lots of Oriental goodies. They make awesome snacks.
- Buying more goodies at Sam's Club. Duo Keks, pretzels, chocolate and 1 kg of Jelly Beans. He even got me a new awesome make-up box. Plus we now have a heater for cold winter nights.




- And Yoshi came home with me.

.
Then i slept for over 12 hours...
- morning/afternoon sex which was not too painful
- not needing two pain killers just to get out of bed
- buying a Guitar Hero guitar downtown Sao Paulo
- devouring a huge typical Baloney sandwich (and making a funny video of it)


- Sao Paulo's Municipal Market: buying lots of yummy stuff... cheese from Norway, blue cheese from Germany, sweet dates, olives from Chile, and a pepper grinder. Yeah, i know... my carbon footprint isn't getting any smaller...



- going out tonight!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
*

(Vegan Advisory Notice: Do not watch following video if you are offended in any way by meat eating. Extreme carnivore gore scenes included!)"

*
Still, what should i wear?!!!
*

*
Mood: hyper - and drinking lots of coffee
Now playing: Ahn... Bowling for Soup.

" And this is sure to take awhile
But if we're going out, we're goin' out with style
So we all jump around, and we fall to the ground
Like it's the last rock show of our lives."

p.s.: those glasses are fake. Love 'em.
*

*
two days away from chocolate day. Yummy holidays always get me excited. So, Good Morning!

And this IS the actual tune i wake up to everyday. Getting up at 6 am is no ride in the park, 4 days out of 7, so i rather do it to a peppy tune..
*

*
Oh boy, i thought the hyperactivity from yesterday would have worn off by the time i woke up. Nah... So i'm hyper again. Hypo maniac, but hyper anyhow.
.
So after all, playing "The Glad Game" did make things better. Not like "i can dance around without any pain" better, but as in "i wake up and want to dance better". Yeah, baby, yeah!
.
Yesterday...

My sg t-shirt arrived. i wore it immediately. How amusing to wear a shirt that reads (even if in the smallest of print) "i am naked on the internet".

i had an amusing hilarious class that lifted my spirits. And then i got an easter egg at work. Got to love the school i work for.
Got a hair cut. And gum drops.

If only i also gave myself a manicure. My nails suck ass.

and i love my Nerdy Nerdy Man!
*

*
Its Good Friday. Good for me, i mean, as its a holiday.





.
As soon as i come back to earth i want to bake this...
.
Meanwhile, yeehah cowboy, i wanna go out! Today is sooooo gonna kick ass!!!
*

*

beware of wandering cocks
*

*
Mood: hyper
Now playing: Guttermouth.

(miss the mosh pit and leap frog!!! Gotta dance!)
*

*
i typed this huge rant. And then i decided to keep that crap for the doctor marathon i'll have next week. i'm just sick and tired of being a bitch.
.

This is what hurts. Period. But next week i gotta dance!!!

.
So i'm going for the gusto! Who's with me?
*

*
It's spring! Somewhere, but not here. Its autumn in the South Hemisphere. Still, happy Equinox!
.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!!!

(moses supposes his toeses are roses, but moses supposes erroneously - and i'm missing another tap dance class today. x )

.
And hey, after a super short week, its (almost) a holiday! Happy Chocolate Weekend!
*

*
Depressed? Who? Not me. i mean, who said not shaving for a week is a symptom of depression? (irk).
.
Who could possibly be depressed while going through the entire discography of Bowling for Soup and Guttermouth? It takes a hellofalotta numbness to be indiferent to Jimmy Eat World or Jets to Brazil.
.
There is beer in the fridge, liquor in the cabinet, chocolate in the pantry and ice cream everywhere! (Notice a pattern here?) Plus i'm getting a haircut today. And i want to go buy Japanese candy. Sweet!
*

*
new stuff:

(new toy)

(for a friend)

(from sewing class)



(nhah, i put on weight. Damn!)
*

*
mood: rapidly swinging
now playing: a really long playlist
*

*
Word. It took all my strength to drag myself out of bed yesterday. i dragged myself through the morning, then came home and slept from 12 to 7 pm. We finished watching the second season of Heroes - about 5 episodes-, then i went back to bed. Zzzzz's went on from midnight to 1 pm.
.
And the pain still hasn't worn off. Its hard to explain. At moments, its all over. But most of the time, its concentrated in points. My shoulders, shoulder blades and between them, deltoids, triceps, chest, elbows, wrists, hip bone, tail bone, back of knees and thighs, leg calfs, ankles and jaw. The back of the knees, jaw and hip bone hurt the worst to the point it is hard to walk.
.
Obviously, this is the perfect timing for me to be off the pain medication. Whatever, it was only blurring my vision and my perception, whilst the pain was still there. But not this bad. Not this migraine... oh, boy. Maybe the cyclobenzaprin did make a difference after all.
.
Something about me you didn't know? i've been using a bite plate for sleeping the past couple months. That, added to the "loss" of my lip-ring have apparently made the muscles that control my bite reaction go ga-ga. In other words, i bit the same spot 8 times in the past few days, so its become nasty and painful. That wouldn't be much of a big deal, if the inflammation hadn't spread and now my mouth is too tender for me to eat anything harder than soft bread dunked into tea. To make life even sweeter, the last of my wisdom teeth decided to remind me of its existence.
.
Yeah, it rocks to be me today. Guess that's about it. Since i'm such a strong and brave person (not) i've been crying to the drop of a needle. Such a cry baby...
.
Damn, i have to stop whining. Ok, enough with the ranting. Bright side of it is that the circles under my eyes are gone. Should be, after all that sleep.
.
i just found the phone number of 3 pain clinics, 2 within walking distance...
*

*
So, tomorrow is Saint Patty's. Can't forget to wear green, specially because its supposed to be good for one's health. New week ahead. Therefore...

- Clean up and do my chores. The apartment is disgusting, and everything is messy so there is very little stimuli to eat properly (as i don't feel like cooking) and that only worsens the whole matter. i need vitamins to boost my immunity and a clean environment to avoid sinus crisis.
- Eat properly. 3 servings of fruit a day, and enough water.
- Exercise moderately. Before i gain even more weight. And go to dance classes. It breaks my heart to even think of giving up on them.
- Call the Psychiatrist to confirm appointment and make a list of things worth talking about.
- Look up and schedule acupuncture. Hoping this will help, after all.
- Organize myself with my new schedule. Starting by getting up on time to be at work at 7 am, most mornings.
- Make something nice for myself. And bake.
- Go grocery shopping for fruits and veggies. Throw all the stale stuff out and discover what the hell is smelling in the fridge.
- Rock my days away to happier tunes.
.
To begin with, i guess i'll have to run on borrowed energy again (aka pain killers + caffeine). But i hope to be functioning properly by the end of the week. The awful weather should be gone by Tuesday, hopefully. Lets see...
.
i better be a stronger person when all of this is over. Hopefully.
*


*
And for those who got curious about the few flashes of metal in Antique Doll, there are more explicit photos in my rejected set The Late Shift, by marzano. Feel free to comment, obviously.

*

*
mood: sore and confused. And bored of my blond boring hair.
now playing: nothing. my head hurts.
*

*
so...

one class
+
two mugs of coffee
+
3 mugs of toasted mate tea with ginger and lime
+
1 bowl of microwave oatmeal with apple and raisins
+
750 mg of paracetamol
+
35 mg of orfenadrine citrate + 300 mg dypirone + 50 mg caffeine (1 tablet Dorflex)
+
some bowling for soup
+
some jimmy eat world
+
a few phone calls later, i'm feeling half normal. Except for the shaky hands and the occasional blank staring at the wall moments. Will experiment with the over the counter meds throughout the day to see what can be done.
.
i just can't lay in bed watching life go by. Or as a good friend reminded me, we must never forget to say "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee". It makes life, and the world, much better.
.
knock your heels against each other and repeat three times: "its not fybromialgia, its not fybromialgia, its not fybromialgia"
.
i need hugs, caffeine and understanding. In that order.
*

...

must be well by the weekend. Its chocolate weekend, one of my favorite in the year. Would be a shame to miss that.
*

*
You know when you should be like, really happy but you're not. Thats me, today. But an update is long overdue, so be it.
.
i should be happy. Rejoicing. i'm live, finally, on SG. Yay... i guess the surge of hypomania just finished wearing off. Damn, i felt so good yesterday.
.
i have a brand new schedule. My saturday afternoons are free for the next two months. But i had to choose to wake up early 5 days a week in order to have that free time. i have 7 groups for this module. Guess my paychecks won't be so depressing, for a while.
.
Saturdays... dunno what to say about them.

.
Last Sunday was painful in the sense that we put my genital rings back in...
.
(dunno if i posted about this. I was supposed to have an MRI of both knees done last wednesday, but after removing my 16 piercings found out i couldn't because my most recent tattoo is one month old. It must be at least 3. That day was particularly painful - including fainting spells - taking me 1,5 hours to get 7 piercings back in. The lip ring is no more, and i miss it terribly. My mouth is chaos now because i'm sleeping with this a silicone piece to relief the tension in my jaw so it will be a while for it to heal for me to get it re-done. i've been biting my lip madly, to make matters worse, as the muscles were used to the ring and are finding it hard to readjust.)

.
... and a couple of the labia piercings were closing already, so it was painful to put them back in. Just for those who saw my set and were wondering, i have a small captive ring on my clit hood and a ladder on my outer labia, consisting of 6 captive rings total. i'm planning on 3 more for that region, but i'm letting these heal first.
.
Sunday was Mercado Mundo Mix. Dulce was there, so it was fun. i ended up buying nothing for myself, but i got a t-shirt for the Mister. i have this thing about buying stuff i can make myself... i usually dont. Yeah, i know. i'm cheap.


*

*
i love my set. i'm happy with all the good feedback and the comments, and people wanting to be my friends. Thats all very nice. i hope i can live up to the hype now, that its all going on. Anyways, thanks.

one of my favorites from this set.i miss that hair. My hair is sooo long (for my standards) right now i have no idea of what to do with it.
*

*
This week was basically "wasted" on Heroes. i've got brown circles around my eyes from watching 5 episodes per night, every night. Me and the Mister. And i started season two today. But Nakamura Hiro is just so cute, and i really want to watch more.
.
That means everything is a mess. Chaos has devoured the apartment and i just can't motivate myself to clean up. And mess is depressing. i don't eat right in a mess. Notice the vicious cycle?
.
Honestly, i can't remember a week i have eaten properly since i left my ex. She was a mother figure, and if there is one thing i need is someone to take care of me. Because i suck at it.
.
That being said, i gained 4 kg this month. 2 this week, as i have been basically spending days without food and binging on chocolate and icecream at night.
.
And as everything is connected, that takes us back to my orthopedist. i visited him today. He has me on 10 mg meloxicam, 20 mg famotidine, 300 mg paracetamol, 2.5 mg cyclobenzaprine, once every 12 hours. i'm glad i'm almost out and the current prescription is for acupuncture, because i'm blaming the cyclobenzaprine for the lousy past weeks.
.
Everything is connected. i exercise, but i definitely don't have good sleep and eating patterns. The muscular pain? Oxidative stress, maybe fibromyalgia. Let's hope its not. Because i'm starting to walk like Ozzy when i first get up in the morning. NOT SEXY. And my dislexia is worse. Much worse. (Pops in another tablet of Centrum).
.
i WANT to feel happy. Lets hope the doctor i'm going to next week isn't some freaky old fart with his head up his ass frowning on me for my lifestyle. i'm happy with my lifestyle. Being HIS pet makes me feel safe and feeling safe is very important for my well-being. i just want to be well, not different. And i hope he speaks english. Because i have a terrible time speaking of whatever really matters in portuguese.

.
Oh well, whatever. i just took one of those pain killers so i'm just gonna lay back and try to think of a happier tomorrow. One where my skin is just a little bit thicker or people have become a tad nicer.


*

*
Happy thoughts:
- i made cute undies this week at sewing class. And i'm almost done with that course, which will mean my wednesdays will be a lot easier on me.

- my dance teachers trust me to design the costumes for the presentations the school will be involved with. How cool is that?

- i went kind of kogal/decora today. And bought cute things. Plus i had junk food for lunch with my friends at the mall.



- it was cold enough to wear my sg thermal shirt for the first time. And it went awesome with pink legwarmers.
- Things could be worse. A lot worse. Been there, done that. i know it.
- i got 10 more episodes of Heroes to watch. And a dance mat.
*

*
mood: dysthymic. Again.
now playing: self-centered - bowling for soup

*

Close your eyes. This is how i wish i felt.