I've been called a poor judge of character, and I really believe it. Since the last time I posted, two people in my life have written me off, and it has been through petty selfishness and immature jealousy. Because I don't want to decide if I want to go to a party one month in advance, I am considered a flake. Who really makes plans that early, unless it involves serious travel (driving to Dallas does not constitute serious travel) Besides, the last time I went to Dallas, I literally lost my shoes, true story! Yeah, we temporarily reconciled, but she thought I was still trying to be with the doucheface I happened to be dating but not really at the time. Trust me, when someone openly admits to "not going to call [me] tomorrow" I really don't think there is much promise in that situation.

Speaking of said doucheface, numero deux, in the big "friend writeoff of 2008" I have a URL of the text messages he sent me, but it seems pointless. Regardless, he said some pretty brutal things relating to my drinking and being more friendly, and about my moral and societal standing, etc. Mainly, I moved on, and he didn't. Yeah, like I haven't been told to kill myself already. You are going to have to try a lot harder than that to phase me. Okay, so he called me fat, that stung a bit and he said others thought the same way, which could be or could not be a lie. Knowing people around here, I doubt I would get a straight answer. Even, if there were people who said that i was "ditzy" or "immature" or whatever he twisted in his little brain, I bet I know the people who said them and yeah wow, so not an issue what those people think, as long as they KNOW I am better than them. Oh, yes, I did.

Regardless, it has inspired me to find more creative and yes, INTERESTING, people to hang out with. Always an issue of contention, my low threshold of entertainment of the "chill". I am sorry, but I just cant sit there and listen to Sublime while you repeat cliches and non-information like a robot. Yeah, that was a bit harsh, but yeah, I have a license to be a little bit mean considering everything that has been said. Ugh, totally three weeks ago, but really... It was quite entertaining.

Found a montreal buddy

Woah, yeah I guess it has been a little while... Got a man, moved to a new place, danced at Ultra and that was pretty cool, got a new job, danced for a few more gigs, now I am doing laundry and watching Seinfeld.

Seriously there are some pretty cool things going on with me, but I am wanting to know who else is wanting to go to Festival Kinetik ZOMG Montreal and industrial music, are you kiddin me? Seriously anyone want to keep me company on the plane? I really really really want to go to this, but I don't want go alone :-)

Regardless, here is a picture:

Woah like totally. I am back dude! Well back for now at least. I don't think I will ever be completely gone from this site. Brings a tear to my eyes, when I think about oh let's say 5 years ago this one professor that commented on my SG boybeater top in front of the ENTIRE class! And, of course, you know they all went on the site. Thank goodness there are about 5000 of us now. I tend to get lost in the shuffle easily. Tbh, I look about the same, my pink haired profile would have you believe differently, but blonde rocks.

'703, hawla if you hear me. SXSW is knocking on the ATX's door, but I am more interested in seeing Infected Mushroom more at Sky lounge. Of course, shameless promotion: The Jezebelles want your support. We are the ORIGINAL goddesses of GoGo, despite what you may have heard, ya heard? We are going to be doing Exotic Easter in SATX!! Any SG people should come holla at me. Just say, "Yo Sparkle" and I will probably flip you off or something (It is my way of saying, "oh I am so glad you are a fan") Nothing personal! Stay tuned to our future website for more events/pics/worship.

Meow, yes I will be moving soon. So looking forward to that. Pflugerville is so not the area of Austin I wanted to live. Hey, but everyone has to make compromises, right? The chick I will be living with seems really stable and normal, hopefully being with someone that is chill will rub off on me. However, noticing more and more I am one of the "older" people at the party, and my new squeeze makes me feel like such a cougar. He is 22, oooooooh, FIESTY!! Hah, only 4 year difference but still, you would think that I am the younger one sometimes! Purrrrrrrrrr.....sillyness, wonderfulness

Oh yeah and wtf is up with people backstabbing, didn't you quit that crap in high school? Oh wait, yeah you are only 20, despite what your myspace profile says. I swear sometimes, I don't even want to deal with anyone under 21. Except for my girly girl who amazingly is only 19 and has her shit together more than I do almost!! Sucks she can't come with me to Elysium and Plush, boohoo. But, suriously, how do you go behind and start your own little crappy dance group, and talk mad shit to promoters/clubs about the people who helped you get into the "business" in the first damn place. Really, this dancing thing is not about making money, but having fun and being treated VIP style like a rockstar, but to try to make a "rival" while someone is not even in the same city is just plain shameful. This ain't a call out, this ain't rehashing drama either, but it has been bothering me, and this blog just as well as any other forum is a place for me to vent. Speaking of dirty laundry: check out this website

Oh you love the fact, that I am a racecar, now!

Hiya its mee again...what is going on? *flicks microphone* is this thing still on? ha ha ha ha

ennui is a motherfucker.

paragraphs are for wussies.

should i try to make
another stupid haiku
totally fight club

(like woah)

e.e. cummings would not really be proud /// probably just annoyed

Oh yeah, Austin. Sucks I am too broke to even afford to go to the Elysium! Dude, yeah, expectations are kinda silly to put on anyone, but hey what can you do, right? I blame myself mostly. Basically, an "it's not you, it's me" situation. Unfortunately, I do have a realistic view of things, and really it is me. I know it, and he knows i know it, and well life tends to be funny like that. I am not ever having sex again, too many messy emotions for me at least. Shame that I came to the hottest place for singles. Trouble is my standards, I guess they are too goshdarn high.

Oh, btw, I have my Master's degree. I have a job at Apple, kinda but not really "It's Complicated" as they say. Yeah, yeah. I just hope somehow that I don't get called out, as it were by some employee. I doubt with the way I look right now that anyone would notice, but you never know, do you. Oh plastic fame. Blogging is totally lame; anyone good in Logic Pro, I know how to use it fairly well but I just can't seem to make the tracks sync up or just sound, dunno, right? The music I am mainly interested in making is of course psy-trance, industrial, and jungle if I get ambitious. It is fairly difficult to do, I just want to try to make something sound really badass but I do not exactly know how I should go about doing it. The canned loops are cool but don't quite get me there in terms of how I want things to sound: think Combichrist having illicit relations with Mubali and Gein (relatively obscure but fucking amazing) and then you might have an idea of what I want to do...hahahaha oh yeah if anyone is into happycore (Scott Brown, Brisk, etc) then I would love to do some collaboration. I came to Austin for love, perhaps (no really fucking stupid, not a question) a dumb move on my part, but I will stay for the work, music, and fun people.

Anyway, ATX-SG, I am hollerin!

I never know what to write on this thing anymore. I don't feel as much of an attention whore as I used to be. Things are looking really good right now, and I am happy that I will be moving soon. Let's hope I get that job in Austin. Yeah buddy, Texas better get ready for this shit! BTW, I had so much fun with D on spring break. I smoked my comprehensive questions and my project notebook (all three copies ) looks wonderful. So, you could say my life is pretty set. The job I will HOPEFULLY get is going to not pay great considering my education, but it will be better than the shit I have now which is nothing.

Monday is my presentation day, while I have finished my slides, I am still nervous about presenting this. It's not to say what I am doing is bullshit, but sometimes I get the feeling that I am faking it, that I really don't know what the hell I am talking about and I am blowing smoke up everyone's asses, haha I love that expression. I think I am getting a cold. This stress is seriously bad for me, not to say it is not self-imposed, but there are so many unknown variables right now and it would be nice to control at least something.It really has always been that way for me, this lack of control. Or at least I feel helpless most of the time. No, it is not a victim thing, its just a weird indecisive lack of motivation or drive thing. That really has changed, I mean if you compare my writing to even 2005ish, I feel that I have improved. Not to be self-congratulatory, but I have really learned a lot. One life lesson, and it is still hard for me, Stop internalizing everything. I know I talk about myself a lot, that is a bad thing, but it is my goddamned blog, anyway, the point: everything that happens to me I feel like people mean it in a negative way. Call it borderline personality disorder or whathaveyou, but people aren't going to hurt me, peple aren't talking shit (well they are, but those fuckers are losers anyway), and there is no need to freak out if someone doesn't pay attention to me 24/7. People have lives that don't revolve around ****** **** ***** and I just need to deal with that.

The whole world doesn't revolve around me (yeah it is the universe) bla bla. I guess you could say I have learned not to be such a solipsistic spoiled brat. Hooray for finally growing up at twenty five years old. Haha and I said I never know what to write on this thing.

happycardiovascularectomyday

I am back from the grave with updates, sorta. Anyway, in my ever changing status of bohemian jobs (ie: wage slave positions) I am working at this deli type place which rather sucks because people do not know how to tip for shit. Hello, if you are leaving your plates and silverware for someone to get them, fucking tip. If you are at a place that serves lobster bisque, fucking tip. If you are also at a place where food is brought to you and you are buying alcoholic beverages, fucking tip. Finally, if you not only leave your food, but your stupid newspaper, baby food containers, and your rugrat leaves a mess, fucking tip. Actually, one of the said rugrat mess's tipped, however, I was not bussing that particular table, actually yeah I swept it, but yeah the scavenging nature of this place makes it to where you have to be a shark to get tips, luckily I made about 7 bux, unfortunatley the said lobster bisque I am in love with and I spent just about all my tips getting a ginormous box of that to take home.

OMG, how cute of me. Valentine's day is stupid holiday, and we all know that, but like since I am totally crushing on this guy, I bought him a subscription to this site, perhaps he will make a profile or something. yay free pr0n, haha. Anyway, yeah I am going to Austin in March for said person and it should be interesting, spring break bitches!! Yeah, your eternal academic is still in the schizity. Speaking of academic, or lacktherof, this person at work today didn't know what "disaffected" meant; it was rather awkward and I am sure embarrassing for him. Usually, the people who didn't know what words meant would just poke fun. Jeeeze, I know people don't use the work "feign" much, but it is actually a word, fuck!! I guess one should not assume intelligence.

Is it true, could it be, happiness? Prepare for another natural disaster, you guys, because when I am happy, something catastrophic happens, think 2005. Oh shut up already, we GET IT. You are a victim, now let's resume. What part of the story were we on, the part where you were going to say something about happiness. haha, Ah Penis! Sooo silly, you know that is what it sounds like he is saying, oh to be in 1992. You have no idea, but it is okay. SLAVE SCREAMS!!! Getting warmer? Well, if not, you will never get, it so it is not worth trying to explain. "I'm fucking funny" Lawl...the southern intarnet way of saying funny thang.

Why all of the formalities, all of a sudden, trying not to make so many puncuation errors in the like. Still fragmented a whole bunch, but at least it looks pretty. You really do try to hard, you know that right. But, it is so much fun to keep them guessing. Yeah, but that whole dialogue, multiple personality stream of bullshit consciousness has been done to death, and done better by so many others. Hey, we have to try, right? Try tried, trying, I TRIED I GAVE UP. You will never change. Say something stereotypically you so we can mock you. That isn't very nice, well I was not the one who said it either. Yeah well honesty can be so much worse than our projected reality. Projected, rejected, disected, infected. Blah bla blah.

In other news, new roommates. Here now actually, haha...some random girl using computer last night, I wonder...brb....haha, nice, apparently they pierce themselves, badly..Earring gun through the nose, California and nebraska girls, they seem nice. As long as they can listen to my terrible mixing of jungle jammin through the bassline in your temples. BOOMBOMMBOMBBOOM...yeah, did i mention you try to hard?

Try to hard to do what, though, it is not like I care to impress anyone in the intarnet world. I seem way to quiet, but I am intently writing about trying to hard. Lots of Chuck Palahniuk. Yeah that was me that commented on your shitty blog. Lollllllz, I would be willing to bet that you don't read mine, and if you are, I feel sorry for your soul. haha, these broads are gonna be wild. Athletic party animals, of course my old ass is older than all of them, but alliyah says age aint nothing but a number, not going to make a plane crash joke this time, thank you, your welcome, goodnight.

misss ellllllllllle.

i post in here more than i post in my El Jay...i am in a pretty conservative study area...HR, hahahahahaha, maybe one day i will get a chance to fire someone rather than be fired, that would be pretty neat huh, but yeah there is a fairly strong chance that faculty in that dept have found my other blog so i feel a bit uncomfortable jumping into the existential void and talking about how meaningless my life is...but it is okay to do it here...

it is MS and people are not so much into the "punk rock" thing, and def not so much into the "porn" thing, so if they found out about my doing this website, i am pretty much fucked...so why bother posting, well considering that this website is pretty much something you have to look for, and there are 1200 girls on this thing, the probabilty of one stumbling upon this is fairly low, though.............yeah, i did take it off of that, thank goodness, haha, i am still talking about this...no wonder hardly anyone comments, the TRUE fans, though i have to say anyone who is a fan of mine, probably should seek professional help, what is that, violins, in the distance, somewhere?

oh man...being the sane one is truly an interesting experience. last night we had to call the cops on our roommate because she was threatening to hurt herself over some fucked up experience with a guy. now, i will be the first one to admit my share of bad relationships, hell 2005 was one huge trainwreck it seemed. so yeah i cant judge, but seriously no guy no matter how much you think you love him is worth doing harm to yourself. love is just some schema humans have devised to give ourselves meaning and purpose to an otherwise absurd and futile life that keeps perpetuating until a mutation or a evolution occurs thus rendering the species obsolete. yes, i really am in a good mood, i PROMISE!!!

oh yeah speaking of sysiphian absurdity (ohhhhhh camuuuuuus how i love youuuuuuuuuu) haha these remind me of ephedrine days, only its way lamer, just high dosages of caffeine. anyway, yeah,so i was trying to explain my cheerful nihilism to my roommate, yall know my philosophy, for normal people who are pretty much inconsequential, you, me, and just about 80-90% of the world's population, your existence is going to leave less than a thumprint on "history" but, yeah back to the athiestic bliss knowing it wont matter, youre gonna be DEAD!!! hahaha, okay yeah...so yeah to that my roommate replied "but it does leave some impression on others; i like hearing about my grandpa's life" and of course i say to her "well shit i aint havin no mothafuckin kids" and happily she conceded "well yeah YOUR life is pretty much meaningless"

haw haw haw, least i have these here bloggory words to leave my binary intellectual property into the technotron voice of the future!!!!!! squidbillies OWNS!