i guess it is about time for a new update, huh?

i can't say i feel fine, but i feel like me. moved into a war house, painted the living room turquoise. baking a chicken at 375...painting my face tonight for pictures (i will post later).

"blow gently, steady wind" he kisses...

the dude abides

soooooo........i'm done with surgery and doctor tests for at least 3 months. i feel HEALTHY, which is quite a weird feeling to have. i feel ridiculously sexy and confident and want to do another set.....but NOOOOO, there are no portland photographers, and the chances of me coming up with enough money to get to LA are fucking slim. i am beginning to think that i should just not do another set, and leave it at that. i'm having a hard time with that thought, because I WANT TO FUCK THE CAMERA.....you know what i mean. i want a really good set. i want my eyes to burn a huge gaping hole into your heart. i want you to look at a picture and not be able to get it out of your mind.

i'm sober. my skin is soft. i have no one to bother.

this was my first time out of bed/couch for 3 days...it was sponge bath and pictures in the bathroom.


woohoo i took a shower today! i guess i am still on bedrest for another week. i hate it. okay i am going to read and then pass out, again.

valium, opiates, and a presciption to cuddle

i'm sort of waking up, the pain shot me up about an hour ago. surgery is done, for now. bed rest and books. thank you for the books...i am going to need them!

i can't really sit up, but just wanted to say hi and thank you to everyone for your encouraging words. i can kick this cancer's ass...or at least beat it up with a fancy combination of brass knuckes and a ruby red switchblade.

i am sitting in a black vinyl booth at a bar downtown. i used to work here...sort of...good friend owns the bar, and they are building a new stage. i just came along, to get out of the house. i did drink jager on new year's eve........which led to cosmos, then more jager, more jager, more jager, cranberry vodka, dancing on the bar, woke up with a really sexy girl holding me in the morning. those of you who know me, know that i have been sober for a long time! so it was fun to get out and laugh and dance, meet someone. mary ended up staying for a few days and turned out to be fucking amazing. she reminds me of myself at 24...travelling, on tour, just living. AND i get to use my new canon and take pictures of her...so i win. haha.

my body, was not so happy about the alcohol i have been trying to be really careful about what i put into my body. but yay 2 more weeks and i have surgery. you have no fucking idea how depressed i have been in my dark little hole of an apartment. i don't think that i have ever allowed myself to get this low. fortunately i feel really strong right now...not to sound like a cheeseball...i want to get better. i want to do all of the things that make my eyes light up. whatever.

this mac & cheese is really spicy.

the only thing i want for christmas is to write each and every one of you back. you know who you are...you have been around for five years, you have wrote me for the past six months, you get me through the day, every word of encouragement, every poem, every single word. i sincerely fucking love you.

so i made a promise with myself to write, to take pictures with my new camera, to read more, to make friends and keep them. i am a complete mess, i am not living in reality, i am in pain, but i have never wanted more out of life.

i have surgery on the 21st...i hate the idea of surgery, but i hate the idea of chemo and radiation and sickness even more. just cut it all out. i have to have it done by february...it has progressed too much to wait. i kept losing them, they were always twins, i couldn't figure it out. i will never have children, it might come back, it might have spread deeper.

for the last few months i have done nothing but cry...sit in the dark, not leaving my house. i cannot handle it anymore. i am going to be down for another few months, but after that i just want to live...i can't even describe my need to just get out. maybe we will run across eachother, i hope so. i want to feel myself again, i want to be strong and laugh and be sexy.

so keep writing me. and yes you can help me....i am bored and will be in bed for ages!!!! so if you really want to help me, and this sounds cheesy, be my pen pal...send me books...make me a CD...anything! write me and i'll give you an addy.

i have cancer. blah. i guess i'll write more later.

not living in reality isn't so bad...at least my dreams remain beautiful

i'm allergic to myself