damn, i need a career.

thank you.

my sick obsession of reading posts on random websites, typing "snow suicide" into the search engine, people quoting me or talking about what my tattoos really mean. people assume to know all the answers, especially when they see you on cable television once a week. i wonder what possesses them to sit at home and talk shit about me. i am just a rich bitch off of the DVD who went out and got a bunch of tattoos, piercings, developed bulimia....and....it is almost as bad as being out and hearing someone talk about you two feet away. yeah that snow, her tattoo on her crotch...it's her dog's name. isn't that just disgusting? like oh my god. maybe i like it. maybe i like the paranoia...and no one ever really knowing who i am. i am a snob. i hate talking. i will fuck you from the back of the room. i have been in bed for four days, i am in pain, i am depressed, and i don't remember the last time i got a new tattoo. i have thirty-two cents in my purse and 1/4 of a cup of lactose free milk in my fridge. there is a rotten apple on my counter that i just might eat. i don't know if i have one friend. actually i don't think i do. if you want to know something, just open your mouth. language, use it.

Pavor Nocturnus

living in portland for 27 years, the rain tends to drive me a little insane. i constantly complain about how depressing the rain is, but i know when it goes away i will miss it. so today was a very lazy day...i painted my nails and listened to my old rod stewart records. haha...he was such a STUD in the seventies. after managing to grow my hair out for five months, i shaved it all off today, bleached it, dyed it red. decided to watch 2001: a space odyssey after getting way too stoned. read naked lunch.

yeah an amazing day...i am such a sarcastic asshole.

i took out all of my piercings about six months ago, except for my nose. now i need someone to come over and put them back in.....OUCH! eh, maybe not. i think i'll just put the lip one back in....nipples not going to happen, the tongue had been there for ten years so maybe i can make that one happen. ahhh pain, i love it.

i am obviously bored out of my fucking mind. i'm reading "the old man and the sea" and flipping my switchblade.

morphine wedding and raspberry filled donuts

One filet mignon, please. Some garlic mashed potatoes, a salad, and even a glass of red wine. I'll even dress up and wear red. Damn.

drugs or no drugs, i weigh 98lbs. when i'm sick, when i'm not sick...if i eat fried chicken everyday, if i eat salad everyday, i weigh 98lbs. it irritates the fuck out of me anytime someone mentions my weight. why are you so thin? don't you eat? are you sick? you should really get some help.
i have never been healthier and i still weigh exactly the same amount as i did in my first set, four fucking years ago. i am annoyed. i am thin, i am tiny, my waist is 22 inches....so please fuck off. is it that hard for people to understand that we don't pop out of a mold. that the amazing thing about a woman's body, is that we are all different. we have curves, we have hip bones, we weigh more or we weigh less. who cares...look into her eyes.

breathe. i am smiling.

i finally watched Amelie today, after years of people telling me "you should watch it, it reminded me of you". it was pretty, everything green and red...
yesterday i wathced Noi, which was also very green. maybe i just notice color...this movie was amazing though. iceland looked so beautiful and still.

meh. i can't figure out if i am bored or lonely. maybe a little of both
sitting around watching foreign films, reading lolita, making fresh bread and soup...life isn't so bad right now.