Usually, I really don't like to share too much of what is going on in my life. Maybe because I only amplify the worst things in my head and don't listen to the wonderfulness that comes through the shit. But I'm trying to turn that around. I've read "The Art of Happiness" by The Dali Lama once before and now I'm going through it and highlighting parts that stand out. Really trying to get these philosophies to sink in, because I can see myself doing these things. I'm trying to be a very positive person and take everything with an open mind. Don't get me wrong, the evil voices in my head tell me to be a prat, but I'm smothering them. My world has collapsed, fell apart, and is stitching itself together to form a new evolved me and to learn everything possible from mistakes. My Grandpa says, "History/People repeat themselves not because of nature, but because they don't know how to listen."

So...Why are you so sad Smurfy?

My step-dad (who dated my mom in high school and then got married last year after years apart) was diagnosed with Lymphoma on one of his left lymph nodes. A tumor was found, but "supposedly" wasn't going to grow much before treatment. What started out as a bug bite sized bump grew to the size of a baseball in 3 weeks. Treatment was chemo and radiation for 12 weeks and now he's suppose to be getting stronger and recovering. Because radiation was directed at his neck his esophagus was burned and he had to have a feeding tube installed in his stomach. My Mom, family, his Mom, and me have been taking care of him and making sure he is fed since radiation deteriorated his vision so he can't see to pour the fake-ass liquid food they give cancer patients. He also can't remember what medications he has to take and when, so he's basically been reduced to an infant, and hates it.

Dietitians have given my Mom 4 different kinds of adult formula to give him that have a high caloric count to keep his body alive. But for some reason that no doc can explain, he keeps vomiting it up. If we pour 4 oz. in, 4 oz. come up in 5 minutes. My Mom has read tons of holistic health food books about cancer patients and would love to get him on a liquid veg diet, but legally we're not allowed to pour anything in his tube that the doc hasn't told us to give him. Bullshit. My Mom read that cancer patients with problems digesting the high in sugar formulas (all those offered by the company's that produce this crap) have responded well to breast milk. I know it sounds weird but think about it, it has the right nutrients and enzymes a body needs to function at a minimum level. Like a baby. A friend of my Mom's used an organization that donates frozen clean breast milk to women who can't produce any or can't give their infant their breast milk for whatever medical reason when she had her daughter. She called the organization and asked about it, and they said as long as my Mom got a prescription called in, they would be happy to help. 12 women donated their breast milk to the cause and it seemed to work for a while in the feeding tube.

Now nothing is working. He needs 2,000 calories a day to allow his body to recover and repair itself. Last week he had 3,000 calories the whole week because the rest came right back up. He's 6'1" and weighs 136 pounds now. Tomorrow my Mom and Grandparents are going in to see the Oncologist to have him write the right form that says "Hospice Care" which means he is falling into the patient category of 6 months or less to live. I pray to all sorts of deities that if he goes in, it will speed up recovery and not be the place where he's going to die. But it's cancer, and cancer likes to kill. Last night before I went to sleep I thought of what I would say at his funeral, and it saddened and pissed me off. He's not suppose to die yet. He and my Mom just got married and were so happy. It's fucked up it's now all taken away.

This is one of the worst things I have encountered in my little life. What could come out of this that's positive? What lessons can be learned? What am I going to take away from this?