I've never really had to break it off with someone, but I can imagine this is how it feels.






Argh, I'm crazy tired today.

I'm in struggle town a bit.

My headache is driving me absolutely nuts. Normally, if I can get some painkillers into me when I feel a headache start, I'm ok. But for some stupid reason, I was away from home on the weekend, and forgot my pills, so yeah, a whole weekend of a killer headache... has now turned into, like, 4 days of killer headache pain. Fuck it hurts. BUT, on the other hand, I'm proud of myself because I turned down codeine on Sunday morning. Which is a giant step for me. So yeah, I guess that kinda makes things a little better.

So it was my girl Kass's bitrhday on Sunday. So on Saturday we met up, which was nice, despite my giant headache. Had some drinks at her place. Met some pretty cool new people. Sat by the pool for a while. Played some Wii (which I LOVE by the way). Mario Kart ftw! It was a pretty good day. Nice and relaxing. I laughed SO MUCH.



Then we went out that night, with alexisonfirefan (who by the way, is the reason I have NO photos to put in this blog. He has them all. And won't give me them. Angry face.) It was ok. Dancing with girls is always fun. Kissing girls is always fun. Trying to act happy and normal, while having the worst headache ever - NOT FUN. I think I was a little quieter than normal, which may have come off as me being cranky, which I wasn't. I was just hurting. Alot. Sleeping on the most uncomfortable couch in the world probably didn't help either.



Driving home Sunday afternoon was a bit of a struggle. I had NO sleep, and still had the huge headache. You know when you're driving, and you kinda like, just go on auto drive? Like... I don't even remember half the drive home my headache was that bad. I kinda got home and thought 'Fuck, I so don't remember how I got here' How freaking bad is that. But I just wanted to get home. No offence to alexisonfirefan and his shitty couch, but I just wanted to be in my own bed, in my own house, with my boy. I needed comfort.

So I did that. I got home, crashed on the bed with my boy, and chatted and hugged for so long. It was so nice. Being in a familiar bed. With someone there to comfort me. No train noises. No noisy neighbours. No doors slamming shut. Just bird noises and the noise of my puppy yawning. I fell asleep with Ash stroking my hair. And woke up 3 hours later, Ash gone, but my little puppy curled up into my tummy, fast asleep. I was up for a couple more hours, had a shower, had something to eat, then went back to bed, and totally crashed until lunchtime today. I so needed that sleep. I so needed my boy and my puppy. I needed that comfort. Sometimes it's just so nice to be at home. Especially when you are sick. I think if I would have stayed at alexisonfirefan's place much longer, I may have burst out crying. I love him to bits, and love spending time with him, but I just wanted to be at home

So yeah, that's where I'm at now. Just woke up, still tired, still headachey. But at home, and happy I'm so lucky.

I was supposed to give my brother drivig lessons on Sunday morning. AND I was supposed to go see my sister-in-law, who I haven't seen for a month. AND I was supposed to go to Conjure's Black Books Beer and Pizza night thing on Sunday night. But I was too tired and sick to to any of them. I'm a sucky person. Sorry guys. I need to be forgiven for alot of shit things I've done lately. Meh.

I saw a newborn teeny tiny baby on Saturday morning. Only through those stupid plastic box thingos, because she's only a teeny little weak thing. But she was cute. And tiny. I'm still not sure if I want kids or not. I don't like thinking about it. I think I'll just keep blocking it out. It seems to work. For now anyway.

Oh - and if I didn't have enough of a nipple complex already, I definately do now. I've always hated my areolas. Like bad. Stupid soft, puffy areolas. I've always wanted teeny tiny little areolas. Little cute ones. But I don't, which sucks. Which is why I like my nipples when they are hard, they look normal. But anyway, they were hard the last week when someone saw them, who then had to go and comment about how big my nipples were Not the areolas, the actual nipples. Far out. I hate my nipples/areolas. It sucks. I have ugly boobs.

I feel super uber bad about something that could have potentially happened on Saurday night. Trying to seduce an 18 year old that has a boyfriend is not cool. At all. I suck. I kinda feel a bit sick about that. So glad nothing happened. Fucking yuck. It reminded me of certain things that happened way back when I was 17. Bad things. What he said. How she replied. What he kept saying. How she kept replying. That's exactly how it started. It makes me wanna cry thinking about it. I was 17. He was 23. Same age difference on Saturday night. The same words were flying around. The same things were happening. I couldn't be in there anymore. Such a different situation. But so many things were the same. Fuck that still makes me angry, even after 7 years. I hate him so much for that. I don't think I'll ever get over that. Saturday night has totally turned me off any future encounters like that, that might happen again.

No matter how long ago things happened, and how totally irrelevant they are today, you can never quite take the hurt away. The pain stays with you forever.

It's so dark outside, and so humid, and so windy. I'm sitting here looking out the window, listening to Missy Higgins. I feel so weird today.

I'm shaking so bad. I think I need to lie down.

Edit:

alexisonfirefan isn't an ass anymore, he sent me some pics.