Happy Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for?

I am thankful to be alive -- on Thanksgiving last year I had just been released from the hospital and told that what I was sick with is often fatal. I just got my medical records and clarified a few questions with my college roommate, who is now a medical resident, and she was amazed I survived (I didn't realize until reading my records exactly how bad things were, so I am thankful anew that I am here to write this).

I am thankful for my wonderful family, and for my friends here, who are my second family.

I am thankful to have a place to live, and to be able to take care of my son.

I am thankful that I will soon finish my physical therapy and mostly recover my physical strength without need for further surgery (I am very over surgery). I may even be able to go back to aerial!

Revisiting last year's hell has put this year's personal sorrow in perspective. Who cares about a mean-spirited ex when every day I am able to wake up to a baby whose face lights up when he sees me?

Upon reflection, I've also been able to understand better where things have gone wrong, romantically speaking anyway. My best, most successful relationships are those where I have been the pursuer, or it was mutual. The worst, by far, have been those where I have been the pursued. Too often I wasn't interested until my future partner made their interest clear -- and too often I convinced myself I was interested as well so that I could see myself in the same positive light. Only once in my three decades of life have I turned someone down, and that means a whole lot of unsuitable partners and futile attempts at relationships. Once!

It's a little early for New Year's resolutions, but here are mine:

1. I am going to be a lot more selective about who I date. I am going to get to know someone before I date them, and I am not going to let the flattery of someone else's crush on me cloud my thinking about whether a relationship is a good idea.

2. I am going to take more care with my appearance. I have never, ever been a girly girl but I am a lingerie whore, and I have good taste if I do say so myself. Cotton panties are the exception for this broad. If I can take the time to make sure my bra and panties match every day, I can take the time to look halfway put together when I leave the house. I can wear more than the same three pairs of jeans. (I feel that it is critical to note, however, I have never, EVER worn sweatpants in public and I have only worn leggings when I was hugely pregnant AND my top provided complete and ample coverage of my ass. Because leggings are not pants.) Makeup, however, is a goal for another year. Baby steps. Also, I have to learn to apply it.

3. I am going to take more care with my speech. Over the last few years as I have read fewer books and spent more reading time on the internet, my vocabulary has declined as well as my eloquence. Once upon a time I dreamed of being a writer and writers don't speak in internet memes. For my own sake and for my son's, I need to speak like the educated adult I am. This reminds me: I have to dig out my diplomas so I can frame them and hang them in the bathroom.

4. I am going to finally do something with my life. I had great potential and big plans when I was in high school and college, but once I graduated I kept getting sidetracked. Bad relationship decisions played a role in this, but the blame falls fully on me for not living up to my potential. Before I die I need to have created something that I am proud of, something that makes a lasting impression. It doesn't have to be the Great American Novel or the voice of my generation or anything equally ambitious or, frankly, self-righteous. Just something that touches an objective observer, something that they may remember out of the blue years later.

Considering I have recently experienced the whimsical nearness of death, I need to move my ass and figure out what this is, and then do it. I don't know if it will be photography, or writing, or a role I play on stage, or simply imparting to my son the importance of Kurt Vonnegut's words "God damn it, you've got to be kind." Actually, I think I should accomplish the kindness bit in addition to my personal ambition. There's too much sadness in the world, too much anger. How wonderful would it be if my son grew up to be one of those people who brightens the world for others?