It's very hard to know what to write or where to begin, to be honest. I don't even know how much of this post I want anyone to read so I'm just gonna try to make it really convoluted and confusing so that no one will actually make it past the first few sentences.

I keep seeing my own name everywhere. I don't know why but it seems every corner I turn I'm confronted with the C word. Not cunt. My last name. Although sometimes I think my last name might as well be cunt. I'm trying not to think of this in a weird superstitious way, as I would have done previously, I'm trying not to see it as a sign, but the more I try not to, the more it appears. I don't even know what it would be a sign of! Perhaps the universe is, indeed, trying to tell me something that I am entirely missing.

Started talking to a member of my family again. Feels a little awkward. Not surprising really since she finally knows everything about me, secrets in and out. She finally knows how I feel about how her and my family treated me. But things changed a little there, she did not try to force unsolicited advice on me, which was kind of new and I'm trying to view that as a good sign. Perhaps it is possible to have a sister who is supportive, and kind, and what sisters are supposed to be. I don't even really know what that is; I'm no angel. I've been just as bad in the past. I just hope I'd never be like that with my own family.

Speaking of which, I won't be posting anything deeply personal or detailed any more, since it has been used against me. I shan't mention names because I'm above that, but it wasn't terribly pleasant, and since I've been trying to keep my drama away from this whole scene, I think it would be better for everyone if I just kept things to myself.

I recently got my HDD back, that was really nice to go through again after a few months. I don't have much of a memory, so my photographs are intensely important to me. I went through them all and memories washed over me like a warm bath. It was excellent. Seeing my friends and I so happy, drunk, silly, drunk, bored, drunk, and of course, drunk. I miss them a lot, a lot of the time. Especially my best friend. It's nice to see one of them on here, though, he's a great guy; loyal and funny.

Every day here it gets colder, every day I fall a little further, and I'm okay to let myself fall. It feels almost blissful allowing fate to take it's turn. I can't still be the same person I was a year ago, not after all this. I know I'm an entirely different person to the person I was the year before that, and the year before, etc. And here I am, this is me. I endeavour to always be smiling inside, to always try to look at things in a positive way. I say endeavour, I know I won't always succeed, but right now, when things look so terribly bleak, I'm still here, I'm still fighting, I'm still staring the world down, because I am stronger than any other person that I have ever met.

Giving up is not for me, so trying to ask me, trying to force me, to do that, is not something that you will succeed in doing.

Team NoBlocks is gone, by the way. I block, and will no longer be dealing with any of the shit thrown my way. If your opinion on me is so important, try to find someone who cares. Your rumors and lies are toxic, and make you look like a sad sack of shit with nothing better to do than try to create misery in others' lives, just to make your own look that much better. Pathetic.

Yuletide is fast approaching, and I am attempting to ignore it. As some of you who have known me a long time know, this time of year is not the nicest time for me. My memory is terrible, but some things never fade, and aged eighteen, nineteen and twenty-one, this time of year held a massive amount of horror for me. It is going to take me a very long time to get past that. What sickens me a lot is that some people know about what I've been through, and yet they use that against me. That's pretty sickening.

As is, I'm currently sitting in Starbucks. There's a guy to my right who won't stop bobbing his head to the god-awful Christmas music that is playing. I'd love to know how it's "lovely weather for a sleigh ride together" with anyone in San Diego. It's not exactly Antarctica here. Makes me glad, though, that I'm not in England, with it's actual snow, and freezing cold temperatures, forcing my hands into gloves and my feet into thick boots every day to trudge through rain, snow, mud, or whatever crap the country throws at me that day in terms of weather. Here, my hands have been getting colder, but not to the point that I have to wear gloves... yet...

Thinking about it, I don't actually own a jacket. My ex roomie decided that it would be a lovely idea to run off with the majority of my belongings. That's around $2500 worth of my clothing, books, computer components, jewellery, all of my make-up (that's exceedingly upsetting for a girl) and family heirlooms, things I couldn't afford to lose. It really sucks, but the cops can do nothing. I had them over to her house twice. First time she answered the door wearing an outfit of mine. Second time she wasn't there, so the police opened the door and I went through the boxes she had packed, pulling out my belongings and rescuing them. Even then, I haven't landed myself with even half of what I previously owned. One suitcase and one box of belongings isn't very much, for a girl. I don't really know how someone can just up and leave with someone else's shit. It's fucking weird.

Anywho, I will write again soon, hopefully with a fucktonne of pictures to go along with it. Have a good week y'all.