OOOOOOOOOOOH!!! I EL-OH-VEE-EE my new set "Bubbles"!!! That was my first set i ever did for suicide girls even before "Troublesome". I have been getting alot of the same questions from alot of different people because of that set so i figuerd id use this blog to answer some of them.

First, Yes, i am an actual suicide girl. Not a hopeful. Suicide girls pay me for the pictures you see. Ive gone pink before i even did my first shoot. Im just good like that.

I AM NOT INACTIVE. im still a suicide girl.

The fact that both of my sets are in review dosnt mean they are both unofficial.. Yes "troublesome" is a hopefull set.. that doesnt make ME a hopeful.. it means THE SET is hopeful.. as in hopefully they pay me for it lol.

"bubbles" is under review to see when it will go onto the front page.

"Bubbles" was taken more than a year ago.

I do plan on doing new sets. Probably by the end of the coming year. Before i was sg i was a very VERY busy model in LA. i really needed a break from the glitz and glamor for a little while and live a normal life for a sec ... just to get my head out of the clouds and get back down to earth cuz i was really becoming a spoiled shallow bitch. i figure ill spend the next year getting my body AS BANGIN AS POSSIBLE then get back on the scene.

I think that covers the most recent questions. Please dont be afraid to ask me. ill answer them.

Thank you babies!!!
Keep it sexy!!
RYZE

HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOes anyone wanna get me my halloween costume?? If i get it myself, i cant pay my phonebill.. so get it for me.. my birthday's on the November 10th so it can be a birthday presant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want the naughty nun costume on the 2nd page of my wishlist!!!!!! YAY!!! tell you what... if you get me the costume ill send you a personal set of me in it!!! DEAL!! GREAT!!!

Life is good.
Im in NC right now im a live-in nanny. Im a good nanny its fun. If youre a chatter you know that once the kids go to sleep....hehe.... it the girl goes to bed too and RYZE SUICIDE is on the loose. Its quite fun.

I have a few shoot's (not just for SG) in june so right now im on a serious diet and excerzise plan. Thats exciting for me. That is when ill be going back to california.

Ok now, idk what my problem is but my imagination is terrifying!! It seems like the things i imagine when i mastubate would end in a visit to the er if it were real. I imagine his flesh under my fingernails and mine being torn w/ his teeth. Blood everywhere. I imagin him (whoever he is for the night) slapping me so hard in the face that i black out for a few seconds.. Have you ever been slapped that hard?? I want it again. i imagine my soulder and jaw getting slammed so hard that it dents the drywall and breaks skin on my chin while my arm gets twisted to the point i feel that it might pop out of the socket getting torn up while all this happends. I imagine getting so delightfully angry and throwing him into the wall busting his scalp open and not even stopping. just fucking him hard and the blood is just just gettig scrubbed into the paint. Intoxicated by adrynalin, anger, lust, and loss of blood. Not even on earth anymore. in reality, wats been happening is by this point ive been scratching my thighs hard or im coking myself and i begin to cum. my screams so loud that the loss of breath adds to this intoxication and back in the fantacy im comming so hard it feels like my diaphram is being pulled down through my stomach and my collar bones sucked inside. Ive come to the point of tears many times hehe. IM A FRIIKIN PHYCO!! i ned help.. preferably in the form if a beat-down-fucking.lol.

" here's to the men that we love..
Here's to the men that love us..
But the men that we love
Will never love us
So fuck all the men
Here's to us."

Im sick of being the last one.
im sick of being the one who "wasnt as much as expected"
im not enough.
i make them give up things..
give up the others..
I am the cause of sacrifice..
(not intentionally and not even really in a bad way)
they sacrifice top priorities for me..
but then..
they realize.. once that so-called priority is let go..
there is so much room for so much more...
than me.
They fall head over heels...
they fall in love with what they think is me..
they fall in love with whatever it is makes them want to give up the something they thought they never could..
once they do..
im "just a good friend"
this is the story of my life..
if you are one of the "they" refering to..
you know im not wrong.
Can i ever be more than just a band-aid..
a realization..
a light..
could i ever be THEE light for anyone..
ha ha
no
neverthat.
Could i ever be someone to say more than
"im glad i met you" to?
can i ever be someone to be more than merely "glad" about
could anyone be completely rapacious over me?
no.. that could never happen..
not for too long.
for a few months..
even someone obsessed with me will get over me in a few months..
i dont look forward to SHIT anymore..
no one will truly be in love with me ..
just in love with the idea i provide..
the idea of freedom from something
someone
someplace.
i am a personified form of rehab.
im not meant to be..
to be...
i feel im not meant to truly mean any real thing ..
to anyone..
i must just except this.
im not anything but...
a windshield wiper.
haha
exactly.
i clear the rain falling in your sight
now you can see how open the road is infront of you.
but think...
youre always glad you have windshild wipers..
yet..
you always look passed them.
DAMMIT..
i want to be the what you see when your eyes are clear..
not just the utencil used to clear them.
but i have just acceped that this will never happen.

2 seconds away from becoming an ACTUAL suicide girl.. like not modeling.. just suicidal

For my Hubby: I told you i would make you one Ante!! You gave the setting so here we go:

My fiance. Ante, wanted a blog for him (well the first special one was but i didnt use names) so i told him to give me a setting and he kept telling me places that ive never been to lol.. Then he came up with a great one.. one you'd know I reeeeeally like if you've ever seen my profile.. Here goes. Hehe .. i hope its as good as the others

Its early evening and i must have fallen asleep after work. I wake up to the gentle sound of water hitting the bathtub floor. As always, i wake up with the need to be touched. I wake up wanting to be..ahem.. handled. And no less is the case when i know the person to handle it is in the shower.. If you know me.. you know what i think about watching someone in the shower. Its the sexiest thing. Not just because he's naked and wet haha..no.. its more.

I open the bathroom door and the warm steam and fresh smell caress my face. I stand and watch through the glass doors. He's 6'5".. taller than the glass.. i love seeing the water hit his face and run down his neck and shoulders. I love the expression he makes.. it feels good to him.. that expression turns me on more, but.. right now, i want to enjoy watching him. I grab a chair from the dining room and bring it into the bathroom. He turns away from the shower head to let the water massage his neck, still with that sexy, closed-eye expression. I undress quietly so he is still unaware of my being there. The steam swirls around my naked body arousing me even more. i sit quietly in the chair. Watching through the steamed door, i can see the bubbles run down his body. i can smell the clean fragrance in the air. i watch him wash all the stresses of the day away.. its like he's becomming new again as the water rolls down his body. He breaths calmly and slowly. I cant resist touching myself. I close my eyes feeling the same clam he feels. Then i open my eyes to see him who i cant resist any longer.

He still doesnt know im in the room. I walk up to glass and write in the steam "N3qO" He wipes the water from his face to see my smilings eyes from over the door. He slides the door open.....(N3qO - OPEN backwards.. get it now?) and pulls me in by the hand. No words. He places me under the shower head and rinses my hair.. I love how his hands feel in my hair.. he loves how the shampoo bubbes run around my neck and accross my breasts and down my stomache. he washes me from head to toe and the water wrinses me off. he kisses my neck through the running water and runs his hands up my back then neck and to the back of m head getting a firm but gentle grasp on my hair pulling back as he kisses behind my ear. Then i feel his breath on my lips to sort of .. tease me in a way. fuck that. I press his body closer to mine and kiss him passionately.

We lean onto the wall behind me. His big hands slowly running down the side of my body, firmly around my ass and under my leg w/ a lift. We breath heavily. The gentle kisses on his neck quickly become firm bites on his collar. With that, he lifts me higher. Now we are eye to eye... and ... lined up else where. We look at eachother as if to say "ready?...Set?..." And he slides inside of me.. you know how it feels.. the slow, deep first penitration. My body shakes, my back arches, my head presses agains the wall, my eyes close and roll back and the silence is gone. He pushes the sound and breath out of me. I inhale again as he slowy slides back and < though its not at all what we are thinking, we have that "you mother fucker!" look on our faces (lol dont act like you dont know what i mean) and he gives me all of it again deeper... harder. a fored exhale. My elbows on his sholders, our heads ear to ear.. biting.. moaning.. my bach strieghtens but my hips wiend.. my feet wrapped around him. .................goddamn, Ante, i cant wait to make this shit for real.

My spine begins to hurt from grinding on the tile so i stand up and push him to the wall behind him. i kneel down and taste him... clean and smooth... he can feel me moan so he knows i enjoy tasting him.. so he enjoys it more and leans his head back. I enjoy every inch, every minute of it.. and so does he. i want him so badly now. I stand up and kiss him again and begin to turn around as he kisses my neck and shoulder. I lean over, legs straight and spread ( yes, i AM tall enough to fuck a 6'5" ante, standing up) he lines up w/ one hand with the other hand on my waist and i push against the wall in front of me smashing against his body. I feel his stance slightly weaken then quickly regain structure. Yes.. this is when it gets good.

Both hand on the wall in front of me pushing back over and over, faster and deeper. My back arches and as i get more into it i lean over futher. His nails dig into my legs SLAMMING my ass into his hips repeatedly. I throw my leg up onto the side of the tub and ..FUCK THE WALL IN FRONT OF ME i place one hand on the bathtub floor and the other around the otside of my anckle grabbing the inside of his stableizing the both of us. Damn it feels so good we have to slow down to drink it in.....................................but only for a minute! SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM HELL YEAH!! both feet on the floor again.. it feels to good to focus on balance. his hands run up my back and pull my hair.. he knows how i like it. he pulls my back to his chest, he wants annother kiss as if to say "damnit this shit is good!" w/o words. oh shit. My toes start to point and the rythm slows w/ deeper, tighter motion.. my screams become louder and all mind is lost. I grab his hips behind mine and take control unknowingly.. FUCK!! warmer wetter deeper.. he feels it throbbing on him and its happening for him to then the control is shared.. a symotanious intence beat.. THRUST and THRUST and THRUST and OH FUCK!!!!....

need i say more?

if i were a lez....

this is what id do 2 u
id lay you down. and feed you berries.. i want to taste them on your lips. I love kissing girls.. your lips so soft. i feel your delicate hands on my chin and neck. your skin smells so fresh.. like flowers.
Your breath flows faster
i put my hands on you hips rollig them up and taking your shirt off. You hair is so beautiful when i mess it up from undressing you.
your wet lips caress my collar bone and fingertips skate over the skin on my back.
I comb your hair with my fingers releasing the smell of your shampoo.
i cant taste enough of you.
i move south.. your skin feels like casmeir and tastes like lavender. Your brests graze my lips and it turns me on. i feel your nipples on the tip of my tounge and bite down sfty though i want to bite hard. I grasp them fimly.. they feel so nice.. And move my hand down your body.. everything you thought was imperfect is perfect to me... every curve,every inch, every bone in your body.. feels like dessert. i cant take my lips off of you.
your stunum tastes like peaches and your navel taste like christmas feels. i move lowerand touch you in the warmest place.. you smell like a beautiful day in California. your thighs moist... and so is my chin. The taste of u arouses me.... brb

I had a way sex dream that i want to tell you about... I dont want to use any names so you dont mind if i use you.. do you? GREAT!!


I am going to make it a bit more detailed w/ imagination.. ill just add an i wont take anything away from what the actual dream was


You just flew to NY. Its cold but not snowing about 30 degrees. I run and jump to you in the airport as our taxi awaits. We put on a bit of a show for the passersby making out and forgetting that there were people around you start to pull of my clothes...So i have to smack you and remind you where we are. You jump in the taxi and jump on you. Still tring to restrain myself even though im sure the driver wouldnt mind..I have to sit and clasp my hands together an bite my mouth shut before i tear you to shreads right there in the cab. We discuss the plans b/c we have to hurry. I throw a monthy party at Galapogose in Brooklyn (that part is true you should come: suicide girls, electro, drum and bass, awsomeness..heheh promo) but we have to hurry to the hotel and get ready.
We get to the hotel a beautiful old hotle w/ history.. its kindof creepy but in a sexy way. the bell boy takes the bags and leads up upstairs. you pick me up and throw me on the bed and tell me as you start to take off all the layers of clothing from the cold "Your gonna be MY bitch tonight." and a heavy smack accross my face...I smile gleefully "hehe.. yes big daddy." But now that you got me completely undressed i have to hurry to get ready. Pregaming consists of a few patron shots and... well if you know me, you know how i get down. I partake then skip ass naked to the restroom to get ready. Im wearing tight botty-licious jeans, flat knee-high black boots, a few belts, and a cute tshirt that has the back cut out. Mohawk stylin and makeup dark and sexy. We pregame a bit more trying not to fuck eachother. We grab our warm layers (jacket,, scarves...) ---in the dream.. we grabbed skateboards and some records. but you can leave that out if you want--- you slam me into the elevator picking me up against the wall not even caring about the old couple right there. Then we skate up the main street to catch the cab.
At the club i am going with the whole im-your-bitch thing only speaking to others after your "ok". im sitting at the bar you behind me making conversation with some guy that was trying to hit on me. I order 2 shots of parton for us. The guy asks "what r u guys drinking?" I look at youfor permission to answer while i sprinkle salt on your pinky finger. you nod and i answer. The guy looks at you sayin "Damn homie!! you got it like that?!" you look at me and i reply to him "daddy gets it however he wants it" then slowly like the salt off your little finger and take my shot.


****OK HERE IS THE GOOD PART IF YOU WANNA SKIP THE INTRO****


we are walking down the hall of the hotel and i stop you.. i tell you to close you eyes. i whisper "youve had youre fun..." i fasten a collar around your neck and latch a leish on "... youre my bitch now" I dont care who sees you in this collar.. i walk you to our room. i put you in a blindfold and tie you to the dresser...its pretty low so... youll have toget on your knees and wait for me while i get changed into something a little less comfortable. i walk up to you.. you are stil blid folded. i untie u. and you run your hand up my boots and feel that i am wearing a skin tight plastic suit. as you feel past my knees over my thighs youll notice that i have zipper going from front to back in a very convienient area.. we can use that later. I take off all of your clothes. You reach for me. *SMACK!!* accross the face. "NO HANDS!!" So i get a strip of silk and demand that you put your hands behind your head and i tie them together and tell you to keep your hands there. I walk you to the bed and lie you down.
I have tied a sting to the zipper and i straddle your face putting the srting in your teeth and moing my body from frount to back, un zipping the zipper. You smell me.. sweet and warm. You taste me softly. I roll my hips slowly back and fourth, loving it. you feel me seaping from the corners of your mouth, passed yur cheeks and down to the back of your neck. Tastes good huh?
I look back and see, hehe how much you like it....It appears to me you like it alot.. mmmm i have to have a taste. I move down and you dont know whats comming.. youre still blindfolded.. You feel a gentle lick.. from the bottom all the way up. My wet lips around the tip.. Yummy. yu feel yourself pass my lips, slowly accross my tounge, and down my throat. You let out a loud moan..It feels good doesnt it? Its turning me on too. I moan too and you feel my throat clintch tight aroungd the tip and feel the vibrations from my moan. I get more into it. "harder, better, faster,stronger" you almost hear the song in your head. i take off the blid fold so you can see whats happening. Your loving it and so am i .. so much.. i begin to dig my fingernails into your hips almost drwing blood. I cant take it anymore i need you inside of me!
I straddle over you... Back strieght, lined up...and mmmmm slide... what a great fit. yu feel my body shake as i go deeper and deeper and all the way to the back. you are struggling w/ your hands tied.. I dont care. I hold your hands up over your head... Up and down back and fourth~~CAN U FEEL ME?!~~ (thats a song just incase u didnt know)You better take it. i roll my hips, grinding harder. You CANT take it. Your hands rip through the slik and yougrb my hips HARD, with a vengance! SLAMMING my hips into yours!! Your out of control!! I love it!! i grab your wrist and bite hard putting in every effort to take everything you have. Over and over and over again.. you cant get enough. You pick me up and THROW me onto my stomache. Wrap you arm around my hips lifting my ass into the air. You THRUST it back where it belongs, look down and *SMMMMACKKK*!!! I LOVE the way it stings. You love the way my ass feels wrapped in that tight black plactic suit. FUCK THE TIGHT BLACK PLASTIC SUIT!!! You grab it by the opening from the zipper and RIP it off!! One hand on my waist!! One hand around the back of my neck!!SLAM!! SLAM!! SLAM!! OH SHIT!!! Oh hell no your not taking this!! i push you away and jump on you standing. My leggs wrapped around your waist and arms around your neck. You hadns hold ing me up by my ass. Bouncing. HARDER. HARDER! HARDER!! FUCK!!! HERE WE GO!!!

the end

MY BIRTHDAY'S IN 5 DAYS!!!! As most of you know, I just moved from LA to NY...Right before winter...Meaning i have ABSOLUTLY NO winter clothes!!! Ive never needed them before. Just letting you absolutly gorgeous people know.... I just updated my wishlist!!!! Soooooo... yeah, if your bored and you decide you want to lighten your wallet a bit... ummm yeah, buy me something!! I love you!! kisses!!

You know youre a junglist when:


You snicker when you hear someone say "PLUR"
You finally realize that phat pants are heavy and impractical
You blame candy kids for everything retarded in the scene
You have pretended to be rolling at a party just to get a quick laugh
out of your friends
When you ARE on E you do your best to act normal
You realize how cool Drum & Bass is
You realize how lame progressive trance is
You have close friends that don't give a fuck about raving
You think that maybe you don't give a fuck either
The smell of Vicks makes you physically ill
You can't help but laugh when someone tries to give you a "glow stick
show"
You learn to break
You want to actually roll, you have to eat about 4 pills at once
You can get those 4 pills for the same price that everyone else pays
for one
You drink beer after parties
You quit collecting fliers
You wouldn't mind if that kid with the whistle accidentally swallowed it
and died
You are actually called by your real name
You realize the general public shouldn't be blamed for hating raves
You talk shit as much as possible
You DESPISE happy hardcore
You DESPISE candy
You have seen a 13 year old "raver" on E, and almost left the party
because of it
You no longer feel the need to advertise your "rave-ness" to the world
You party sober and now understand how stupid you looked when you
didn't
You know who PRODUCED your favorite tracks, not just which DJ bought it and put it on a mix CD
You think that dancing like you're running in place has all the skill
and style of a penguin waddling with a stick up its ass
You have day-dreams that involve Tele-Tubbies and a large rusty
chainsaw
Your parents gave up on you ever becoming normal a long time ago
You know why GHB and K are for fucking idiots
You hate rave hoes
You begin to notice how often big DJs blow mixes
You think sweaty guys running around the party shirt-less should get
their asses kicked out
You act like a punk-ass bitch to security, police and any other
authority
You know that raving is all about the music, but RAVERS are not
You've 'accidentally' kicked people sitting in the middle of the dance
floor
You find the jungle room more appealing now
You can actually DANCE to jungle
You laugh out loud when you go to Jamba Juice and they're playing dance
music
You see guys from your high school football team at a party (refer to
aforementioned "sweaty guys without shirts"...)
You know raving is mainstream as fuck
The bigger the flier, the less you want to go
You can re-tell the story of how raving came to America quite
accurately
Your sleeping and eating habits are completely fucked up
You are amazed that you are somehow still alive
You can't remember the last time you went to a party and didn't think it
sucked
You can't remember much in general
You realize that ravers aren't nearly as genuine as hippies were