Mailing Lists I Cannot Remove Myself From
Apparently "unsubscribe from mailing list" means "SEND ME TWICE THE AMOUNT OF CRAP YOU USUALLY DO!" Okay assholes, then you are going to get this email every time you send me one of your stupid little pdf files that makes my phone freeze up for 10 minutes.

Dear Delta Airlines,
Hi. I've flown on your airlines twice, and both were great experiences. I'm even flying on you again in a month! However, when you write me twice a day, it seems a little... desperate. Ok I lied, a lot desperate. If you went on a few dates with someone and they called you non stop, you'd dump them right? Yeah. That's what I thought. I'm going to have to break up with you soon if this continues. You only fly out of LAX, anyway.
Thanks,
Rigel

Dear Sephora,
I love you so much, Sephora - you provide me with fantastic makeup, a brightly lit and perfectly sterile shopping environment, and every time I buy something, you give me a cute little present. We are so friends. But hey... can you take it easy on the emails? I know where you are, in fact I can name several locations near me. I'll come to you when I'm ready. Also when you tell me to reward myself and buy something for Mother's Day, it makes me feel old. I'll be in for some Benefit stuff next week, really don't worry.
So much love,
Rigel

Dear Delia*s,
Please stop reminding me that I am 24 and still shop at ye olde teen shop. I meant it when I clicked "do not send me email offers."
Thanks,
Rigel

Dear Yoga Blend,
I don't need a guilt trip for not going to yoga every day. Once a month is fine, thanks.
Rigel

Dear Hard Rock Casino,
I stayed at you once about a year ago. It's really annoying to get a weekly reminder everyone else is having more fun than me.
Thanks for understanding,
Rigel

Dear Pizza Hut,
Do you know how fucking depressing it is to wake up in the morning, see that you have two new emails and they are both from pizza places? I haven't even ordered from you in over a year! Stop fucking emailing me, I don't want your swill.
Your pizza sucks,
Rigel

Dear Build A Bear,
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? STILL?? IT'S BEEN SEVEN YEARS. TAKE ME THE FUCK OFF YOUR LIST!! I'VE CHANGED EMAIL ADDRESSES AND STILL YOU TORTURE ME WITH YOUR CREEPY CHILD BEARS!!! Just because my boyfriend in high school got me one in fucking 2001 and signed me up for your list does NOT mean that I need a fucking reminder every day! REMOVE ME FROM YOUR LIST FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME, I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING! I HATE YOU! DIE IN A FIRE!
SUCK IT,
Rigel