I am really bored

Tonight : hosting a VIP section for an event for F1 race in MTL. This is gonna be epic

I wasn't going to say a thing. Like i always do. Cause i'm afraid of confrontation. But fuck that. I am sick and tired of not saying whats on my mind. Am i gonna get in trouble? Yes. Do i care? FUCK NO. I've had enough.

The photog here in Montreal, wont shoot me anymore. Because my last set wasn't bought. Am i too old, too big, too whatever. I dont know. Do i deserve a chance? I though so! She contacted me this winter to shoot. I wasnt available at that time. Now that i am, nan, not good enough.

But maybe she didnt realize that the sets she shot recently, didn't get bought. So is it the models fault? Maybe she's just getting boring.

There is a click here in Montreal. SG's that hang out together, get together. I dont. I have a life. Plus i never fitted in. I dont want to fit in. She shot a good numbers of sets for these girls, that were never bought. And it's fine. But being and outsider, nope.

I just can't take the bullshit. BULLSHIT. I am mad, i feel like crap. But i will keep my head high. Because little SG snobism, fuck you. I defy you. I am so better than you.

Off to work in an hour, a night shift in a trauma emergency is always fun So be careful kids, dont want any of you on my table, getting stripped, checked out and tubed out before waking up with THE worst hangover ever

But if you do end up there, dont ask for compassion. Us er nurses dont have any left for intox, drunks, ped vs car beacause crossing a highway while high. We keep it for the deserving patients.

10 days ago, i broke up with my boyfriend. Or he broke up with me. Very complicated... He decided that he wasn't ready for a commitment. We had been together for more than a year. I wanted more than dating. Anyway, i just realized that I feel great. It's awful, but I am not sure he never was right for me. We had a lot of things in common, but i hid so much from him. He never knew about modeling, fetish. He would of been totally against it. He didn't really understand my love of tattoo. He didn't like my friend, i didn't like his. I felt repressed. I really didn't feel like myself. I was so in love with the idea of having a family again. I really want another baby. But he wasn't right for me. I am sad i have to start all over again. I'm scared im never gonna find anyone who's gonna love me and my wonderful girls. But i am happy i'm not with that guy anyone. Know I need to start dating again. Anyone?

Hihi!!!

Boobies!

Blah. Ouais, c'est pas mal ça. Blah. Un immense beurk qui déchire, qui arrache et démolis tout. Bye bye mon coeur, passé à la moulinette. Toujours espérer, vouloir, souhaiter. Inutile, c'est simple. J'ai voulu ne plus être seule. Sans l'être je le suis toujours. Peur et terreur masculine. Je veux un bébé. Oui, un autre. Et pas un jour lointain et incertain. Je veux un plan, une certitude. Je veux un nid. Celui que je n'ai pas eu. Blah. Futile. Je ne peux m'empêcher d'avoir espoir, de rester en rêvant d'un dénouement. Heureux. Urgghhh

Happy me, balance may be in the air. Had a great day with my bf at a funeral, now friends coming over for drinks. Balance!

I haven't written in almost a year. I was on idle mode. Still am i guess. I have a boyfriend now. He kinda doesn't know about this SG thing. Damn i wish i could tell him. Damn i wish i could be myself. Once in a while. I'm happy, most of the time. But i pretend a lot. I pretend so much that sometimes i'm not sure what i actually think or feel. I smile and nod. I am very good at nodding now. I didn't change, but i hide stuff. I went to one of my favorite ''nights'' last week end. It's probably why i'm feeling nostalgic. How much would you sacrifice in order to keep peace (and the whole ''thing'' thing) together?