PICS
growing em out... too bad they never actually look this good when i'm movin' and shakin'!
yesterday was hard. i was alone a lot and i hate being alone. i cleaned and cried and cleaned and ate food and did laundry. yuck. but then my beloved leila came over and read erotic comics to me and we smoked cigarettes and drank tea and laughed. life is good. i am loved and i have so much happiness and beauty around me. it's good. it's amazing.
tonight i'm going to see my friend jake's band in sf with miss roachie roach at the el rio then tomorrow maybe a lake walk with mr. b and go see my friend mario's play in oakland at the noodle factory.
i'm still not sleeping at night...
yesterday was hard. i was alone a lot and i hate being alone. i cleaned and cried and cleaned and ate food and did laundry. yuck. but then my beloved leila came over and read erotic comics to me and we smoked cigarettes and drank tea and laughed. life is good. i am loved and i have so much happiness and beauty around me. it's good. it's amazing.
tonight i'm going to see my friend jake's band in sf with miss roachie roach at the el rio then tomorrow maybe a lake walk with mr. b and go see my friend mario's play in oakland at the noodle factory.
i'm still not sleeping at night...
it's the tightness in the chest that gets me... the dropping feeling in my stomach like i'm in a lucid falling dream that makes it hard. the tears you can't stop even though you try holding your breath and looking away from nothing. those are the really sad ones. not the uncontrollable sobbing because that isn't happening. just the really hurt, big drops that make your cat lean over the bathtub edge, the ultimate danger to a feline, to nudge into your face. i hate them. they happen on the subway, when i wake up and when someone tells me how amazing and loved i am.
this is shit. but i am not shit. thus, this will pass and i will live. some very mean and very immature fucked up things were said to me... this whole breakup is a fucking stupid circus that i've grown too old for. still, it doesn't make waking up any easier. i haven't talked to him. i'm not sure i should. i was , how they say, cool as fuck about all of this. i tried to put myself in his position. he is younger then me, and i tried to remember what i was like. and now realizing what an asshole i was, i am seeing what an asshole he was. and i can only hope he learns what i did. the golden rule. i also truly hope his ego stops taking him over. he's cute, but cute only gets you so far. when you're ugly on the inside, how long your eyelashes are don't matter one bit.
past all the tears, and stomach aches and refusals of food i am overwhelmed by the love and support i am recieving. when you're in it you believe what they say. that you're shit. that you are some kind of unlovable monster. i am not. i am loveable, i am beautiful and i am way too fucking good for this shit.
my parents did not raise me to be a fucking doormat and it's about time i realized it.
this is shit. but i am not shit. thus, this will pass and i will live. some very mean and very immature fucked up things were said to me... this whole breakup is a fucking stupid circus that i've grown too old for. still, it doesn't make waking up any easier. i haven't talked to him. i'm not sure i should. i was , how they say, cool as fuck about all of this. i tried to put myself in his position. he is younger then me, and i tried to remember what i was like. and now realizing what an asshole i was, i am seeing what an asshole he was. and i can only hope he learns what i did. the golden rule. i also truly hope his ego stops taking him over. he's cute, but cute only gets you so far. when you're ugly on the inside, how long your eyelashes are don't matter one bit.
past all the tears, and stomach aches and refusals of food i am overwhelmed by the love and support i am recieving. when you're in it you believe what they say. that you're shit. that you are some kind of unlovable monster. i am not. i am loveable, i am beautiful and i am way too fucking good for this shit.
my parents did not raise me to be a fucking doormat and it's about time i realized it.
danced to the slackers on thursday night(and looked pretty hot for a recently broken hearted baby btw) stayed out with vic and roach and some others on a mad hunt for mexican food at 3:33am. once found, we were the last people they let get food. roach didn't like her food so much so she tired to give her leftovers to a bum sleeping on a bench. here is where it gets amazing... the dude wearing no shoes and only wearing shorts and a dirty blanket calls her a creep and tells her to get away from him. although i have been really sad the last few days, thinking about a hobo telling my sweet loving best friend she is creepy and to get the fuck away from him for being nice makes me fucking die laughing. he later came up to us (as we were eating on the sidewalk on mission) and got mad at her for either stealing or stepping on his cigarettes. he was a little difficult to understand. hahaha. watching a bum harass your bff is amazing.
i slept 'til 5pm yesterday but i got up today so i think that means i'm going in the right direction. sadly the last two nights i've been drinking. not hammered drunk, more like 'keep me from crying in public edge taker offer' drinks. which is still not good. i can feel myself falling into the old routine. so back to sobriety. sprite at bars and actually dealing with life instead of diluting everything.
last night miss roach and i went to lil_tuffy's poster show for first friday in okland and had fun. we then crossed the street to the uptown which was full of a buuunch of weirdos and the vibe was all off so we went back to misfit island to watch movies in bed. i'm pretty sure i was out within the first few minutes. i'm trying to keep busy and live life this time instead of nesting in my house like i did last break up. so if you're around and up for an advenutre message me.
today we might go to something that requires physical activity. walking up buena vista or around north beach to my fave little record shop.
send me your happy positive energy, i kinda need it.
thanks for all the support. i feel like my life is very much an open book here... and it is always well recieved. if i didn't have an sg journal to write in i'd be goin' broke with the therapy bills.
i slept 'til 5pm yesterday but i got up today so i think that means i'm going in the right direction. sadly the last two nights i've been drinking. not hammered drunk, more like 'keep me from crying in public edge taker offer' drinks. which is still not good. i can feel myself falling into the old routine. so back to sobriety. sprite at bars and actually dealing with life instead of diluting everything.
last night miss roach and i went to lil_tuffy's poster show for first friday in okland and had fun. we then crossed the street to the uptown which was full of a buuunch of weirdos and the vibe was all off so we went back to misfit island to watch movies in bed. i'm pretty sure i was out within the first few minutes. i'm trying to keep busy and live life this time instead of nesting in my house like i did last break up. so if you're around and up for an advenutre message me.
today we might go to something that requires physical activity. walking up buena vista or around north beach to my fave little record shop.
send me your happy positive energy, i kinda need it.
thanks for all the support. i feel like my life is very much an open book here... and it is always well recieved. if i didn't have an sg journal to write in i'd be goin' broke with the therapy bills.
mon copain rompu avec moi hier matin. d'ici la fin de la journée, il a emballé tout ce qu'il possédait et déplacés. il est sûr de dire, je suis une fille très triste.
it appears as though there is much to do and very little time in which i am able to do it... le sigh...
