jesus fucking christ..................... it wouldn't kill the man to not do fucking cocaine for one night and buy OUR dog some food. or maybe it would. i guess he thinks it might, so hes gonna keep to the blow and the gross and screw me over again and again. IF i was smart i wouldn't answer the phone. IF i had any fucking sense at all i wouldn't bother trying to be nice or reasonable. IF i could control the overwhelming feeling of doom in my chest i could probably make it through a day without a fucking drink, or smoke... or tears. god, what a mess. i'm trying, i really really am. i swear. i'm doing my best. i'm trying hard to take care of my shit, i am. unfortunately it seems as though everything is still beyond my control. i'm a damn fool if i think i am in any way, shape or form ready to be a good girlfriend to someone right now. it sucks you know? it sucks that i have the hots and potentially feeling for someone who is actually rad and nice and not a huge fucking selfish dick. fuck me. i'm sorry sg, i'm sorry you have to read my guts spilling out all over everything. today was not awesome. i tried. i feel like........i feel.... fuck. i dunno. 3 days ago i had it all figured out. roach getting mugged has brought back some really uncomfortable feelings. there is that fear in my life again. terrified to walk alone, scared to be in my house by myself and the reds.... you know about those."The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of!"so thats what today is... a potentially beautiful day that was overwhelmed by the mean reds and black cheeks stained with salty tears and a violent anger, the kind that makes your chest want to fucking explode. i'm calling it an early night and hoping for something better tomorrow. tomorrow i won't answer my phone. tomorrow i won't try to fucking save anyone. tomorrow i won't expect anything from anyone. tomorrow i will start over. i honestly and truly cannot fucking trust anyone. how lame... how honestly and truly fucking terrible that the very people who make me feel guilt for their seemingly selfless acts go right behind my pitiful pale back and stab me in it because they like the way the red looks on my skin. i am a damn fool. a sucker. red always looked good on me.