I have been in yucca valley, California since the beginning of October. it’s been a very surreal experience for me, for many reasons. I came here because my great aunt broke her foot and her and my uncle needed some help. She’s been in a wheelchair since I got here, but lately has started using a walker more, and has an appointment this Tuesday where hopefully she’ll be ready to move to the next stage of healing. I had never met her or my uncle, and had actually just talked to them for the first time this past summer while staying with ma in texas. I didn’t really know what to expect, and I wouldn’t say I prepared myself too well either , I just came to help since they needed assistance and I didn’t have much goin on in texas. There have been days that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and it’s a huge lesson in patience, faith, strength and compassion for me. I feel like I’m on a quest though, every day brings a new struggle whether it’s emotional and vague or physical and tangible. I have felt like a bird in a cage, a diluted version of myself at times, and recently started to feel like my life was hold. I’ve had other negative thoughts, but this whole experience has been brought to me so I can grow from it, and often I can keep a positive outlook if I remember that I’m helping and giving, and these are perhaps some of the best things humans are capable of, compassion and unconditional love right ? I am not doing perfectly, and I have gained more respect for people in caregiving than I ever really considered. It’s not been easy, in addition to the normal issues associated with day to day living, they had to move at the end of October—moving is hardly ever enjoyable, but moving when you’re in a wheelchair and can’t pack your things so you have to instruct someone else on how to do it (or being the person who’s being instructed, “I’m not even supposed to be here today!!”) is especially rough---there were moments of extreme tension and high tempers—at one point I almost said “you’re being really hostile” but decided to just leave the room and breathe for a minute instead.

That’s one great thing about being here, even when things are rough and I feel like I can’t do it anymore, I can just look around me and feel better. I’m in a desert valley, surrounded by cacti and mountains. I hear coyotes at night when I’m bundled up against the brisk fall desert wind and talkin on my phone with my Colorado lover. I still have plans to go there, but I’m waitin on some metatarsals. . . once I leave here, I’m more than likely going to dread my hair finally. I’ve been wanting to for a few years but just haven’t yet, I’ve kept saying “it’s not time yet,” but I believe that shortly after I leave here, it will finally be time. I have 10 already, and it’s kinda awkward takin care of dreads with regular hair, they need completely different forms of maintenance to be kept well. Still have a while on that—

I was planning on going to the venice beach area once my aunt was better. Originally I thought I might stay for a few weeks just because it’s a fun place that i have friends I could stay with, and it would be like a breath of fresh air after being here, but now that I’ve been here this long I think I only want to stay there a week (hopefully shooting with milloux which I’m really looking forward to---I feel like it’s been way longer than a year since the last time I shot) because I’m getting a lil antsy for a Colorado style hug, but we’ll see where the wind blows. I didn’t prepare mentally for how long I would be here, and definitely didn’t consider any holidays being spent here. And I have few social interactions with people my own age, other than what phones and computers can do. I was lucky to get a little break from the norm and go to Arizona for 5 days over thanksgiving with a friend of my aunt’s. there were bonfires and hoopin and whiskey drinkin----and walkin in the desert at night with nothing but the moon for light made me feel a little like hunter s Thompson. Now that I’m back though, I am even moreso looking forward to leaving, because I miss my independence, lifestyle choices, and social activity. I’m looking forward to buying my own groceries and penny pinching to pay rent. Never thought I’d say that, but I am ready for that personal freedom again.

I really miss being active on this site, I’ve considered leaving --- just because I feel so out of it you know ? like I don’t really feel like a part of the site anymore because I’ve been so distant for so long. I used to get on here frequently (almost too much!) and write more, and keep in contact with people better. I know, life happens. But who am I kidding, I don’t want to leave : ]