PICS
On another note from previous blog....
Maybe this is heaven.
It's hard giving up pieces of ones' self, but perhaps it's a test in my life.
<3
Maybe this is heaven.
It's hard giving up pieces of ones' self, but perhaps it's a test in my life.
<3
My life is stuck at a crossroads.
Let me start this blog by saying that I absolutely adore my son, and would do anything for him, including giving up all my freedoms and loves for the rest of my life if it meant it would keep him happy and healthy.
But my life is incomplete. Although this may seem impossible to most, I loved dancing. I loved preforming. I loved the rise from the crowd, the response from the bar when I'd take the stage, the quality time with the other dancers offstage, the love and friendship of the barstaff, and of course the money. Now, I know the money isn't what it used to be, with the recession and all. But that doesn't keep me from missing it.
I didn't feel talented at anything in life until I started dancing. And I don't mean.. walking on stage and taking my clothes off with a disgusted look..talent. I mean.. preformance, music, movement, color, presence, interaction, pole work, costume... talent. I loved my job. It showed. People loved to watch me. People liked the way my body expressed the music running in my veins. Now, I spend my days at home, alone with my sewing machine. Except for my son, I honestly do nothing. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I feel like I've let all the nay-sayers in my life take over and tell me what is "appropriate" and whats "not appropriate".
I'm constantly stuck between being a stripper mom, and living with the stereotypes those bestow, along with the tension from family and my boyfriend... and feeling completely lost and untalented, bored and lonely. Do I stand up for myself and say.. "fuck you world, I was born to dance, I love it and I'm proud"... or do I sit back quietly and allow the golden years of my life to pass me by wondering what could have been? I understand how my job could be hurtful to family and loved ones, but am I here to make everyone else happy? I would never want to do something that hurt my son, but I also wouldn't want it coming back to affect him later. But do I give up my life? Is that the message that I want to send to my child? "If you love to do something that most people think is weird, should you stop doing it because the majority says so?"
This blog is going no where I wanted it too. I'm puke-blogging. Just trying to regurgitate it out till I find an answer. My heart says to follow it, and my head says be a good girl.
I tried to focus my energy and time into my clothing, hoping that would bring in business, and circulate, and people would be in love with my clothing, therefore feeding my need to be involved with the outside world somehow. Well it's failed to do any of those things. So I sit... and deliberate.
This is exactly what my Medusa/Athena tattoo represents. The constant fight raging inside me. Athena representing the "strong" woman, made in the image of a man, or rather, societies patriarchal view of women and how they should be... and Medusa, the wild, untamed product of her environment thats cursed with killing everything she sees.
Do I make myself happy and suffer the consequences and hurt of those around me?
or....
Do I remain a stay at home mom and loathe each day of boredom, become jealous and spiteful at myself for not taking the opportunity for what might have been?
Let me start this blog by saying that I absolutely adore my son, and would do anything for him, including giving up all my freedoms and loves for the rest of my life if it meant it would keep him happy and healthy.
But my life is incomplete. Although this may seem impossible to most, I loved dancing. I loved preforming. I loved the rise from the crowd, the response from the bar when I'd take the stage, the quality time with the other dancers offstage, the love and friendship of the barstaff, and of course the money. Now, I know the money isn't what it used to be, with the recession and all. But that doesn't keep me from missing it.
I didn't feel talented at anything in life until I started dancing. And I don't mean.. walking on stage and taking my clothes off with a disgusted look..talent. I mean.. preformance, music, movement, color, presence, interaction, pole work, costume... talent. I loved my job. It showed. People loved to watch me. People liked the way my body expressed the music running in my veins. Now, I spend my days at home, alone with my sewing machine. Except for my son, I honestly do nothing. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I feel like I've let all the nay-sayers in my life take over and tell me what is "appropriate" and whats "not appropriate".
I'm constantly stuck between being a stripper mom, and living with the stereotypes those bestow, along with the tension from family and my boyfriend... and feeling completely lost and untalented, bored and lonely. Do I stand up for myself and say.. "fuck you world, I was born to dance, I love it and I'm proud"... or do I sit back quietly and allow the golden years of my life to pass me by wondering what could have been? I understand how my job could be hurtful to family and loved ones, but am I here to make everyone else happy? I would never want to do something that hurt my son, but I also wouldn't want it coming back to affect him later. But do I give up my life? Is that the message that I want to send to my child? "If you love to do something that most people think is weird, should you stop doing it because the majority says so?"
This blog is going no where I wanted it too. I'm puke-blogging. Just trying to regurgitate it out till I find an answer. My heart says to follow it, and my head says be a good girl.
I tried to focus my energy and time into my clothing, hoping that would bring in business, and circulate, and people would be in love with my clothing, therefore feeding my need to be involved with the outside world somehow. Well it's failed to do any of those things. So I sit... and deliberate.
This is exactly what my Medusa/Athena tattoo represents. The constant fight raging inside me. Athena representing the "strong" woman, made in the image of a man, or rather, societies patriarchal view of women and how they should be... and Medusa, the wild, untamed product of her environment thats cursed with killing everything she sees.
Do I make myself happy and suffer the consequences and hurt of those around me?
or....
Do I remain a stay at home mom and loathe each day of boredom, become jealous and spiteful at myself for not taking the opportunity for what might have been?
HAPPY DADDY'S DAY!
It's Ben's first. He got BBQ'd steaks last night. A breakfast burrito and Starbucks for breakfast. He got to sleep in... and he's getting a massage on Wednesday. He made out pretty good, I'd say
WHAT HAS PISTOLITA BEEN UP TO?!
Well, you know, besides birthing, I've been busier than ever with my sewing business. Its been booming, and in demand moreso now than ever. I'm stoked and have opened a few doors up. I've been showing a lot at fashion shows. Here are a few recent pictures of my clothing:
Model: Rocket
Photography: DangerNinja
Design: Scorpio - $100
Model: Ciciley
Photography: DangerNinja
Design: Pistolita bikini - $45
Models: yours truly, Jackie, Adora
Photography: TG Photo
Designs: Ava dress - $60, Gwen bikini - $45, Natalie bikini $45
Models: yours truly, Jackie, Adora
Photography: TG Photo
Design: Ava dress - $60
Model: Kellie Lou
Photography: DangerNinja
Design: Cherry Onesie - $50
Model: Ajilee
Photography: AlissaBrunelli
Design: Gwen bikini - $45
Much much more on my Etsy!
MORE LEVI PICTURES!!!!
Sleepy
Hungry
Sleepy and hungry. Levi tries to find a nipple on EVERYTHING!
So that is what I've been up to. And working at Sassy's as a cocktail. I'm loving it. Life is good.
besos y pesos,
<3 Pistolita
It's Ben's first. He got BBQ'd steaks last night. A breakfast burrito and Starbucks for breakfast. He got to sleep in... and he's getting a massage on Wednesday. He made out pretty good, I'd say
WHAT HAS PISTOLITA BEEN UP TO?!
Well, you know, besides birthing, I've been busier than ever with my sewing business. Its been booming, and in demand moreso now than ever. I'm stoked and have opened a few doors up. I've been showing a lot at fashion shows. Here are a few recent pictures of my clothing:
Model: Rocket
Photography: DangerNinja
Design: Scorpio - $100
Model: Ciciley
Photography: DangerNinja
Design: Pistolita bikini - $45
Models: yours truly, Jackie, Adora
Photography: TG Photo
Designs: Ava dress - $60, Gwen bikini - $45, Natalie bikini $45
Models: yours truly, Jackie, Adora
Photography: TG Photo
Design: Ava dress - $60
Model: Kellie Lou
Photography: DangerNinja
Design: Cherry Onesie - $50
Model: Ajilee
Photography: AlissaBrunelli
Design: Gwen bikini - $45
Much much more on my Etsy!
MORE LEVI PICTURES!!!!
Sleepy
Hungry
Sleepy and hungry. Levi tries to find a nipple on EVERYTHING!
So that is what I've been up to. And working at Sassy's as a cocktail. I'm loving it. Life is good.
besos y pesos,
<3 Pistolita
A big "fuck you" to the person who tagged my pregnancy set as "wrecked body". I call this photo "Fuck You, 2 months post pardom"
I want to shoot more.
<3
Videos of Levi!!!
Lately it seems that my life is divided into two categories. Big "ups" to things, and big "downs" to things. By ups, I mean: props, kudos, hell yahs. By downs, I mean: boos, wah-wahs, and WTF's. For instance....
BIG UPS
BIG UPS
BIG DOWNS
And for those of you who just fish through my blog for pictures of my baby, I don't blame you....
Our little tub shark. 8 weeks.
besos y pesos,
<3 Pistolita
So today it's my birthday or something.
I don't remember where 22, 23, and 24 went... but apparently I'm 25 this year. Incredible.
Nothing, even my quarter century birthday... seems important anymore. Nothing compares to giving birth, and the arrival of the baby, so every other event is just kinda.. "wah wah".
I don't even want anything for my birthday. My baby daddy woke me up with starbucks and a breakfast burrito. For my plans, we are taking Levi to Gma and Gpa's house on Saturday, so that we can go to dinner and watch the UFC fights with a few girlfriends of mine, and complete the evening with 8 hours of sleep. That is my birthday present. 8 hours of blissful sleep. I haven't had more than 6 hours since Levi was born. So that in itself, is an amazing gift.
So for my birthday, leave me a message of YOUR best b-day. What did you do? What did it entail? What made it so special?!
______________________________________________________________________________________
This is my best birthday gift ever....
I don't remember where 22, 23, and 24 went... but apparently I'm 25 this year. Incredible.
Nothing, even my quarter century birthday... seems important anymore. Nothing compares to giving birth, and the arrival of the baby, so every other event is just kinda.. "wah wah".
I don't even want anything for my birthday. My baby daddy woke me up with starbucks and a breakfast burrito. For my plans, we are taking Levi to Gma and Gpa's house on Saturday, so that we can go to dinner and watch the UFC fights with a few girlfriends of mine, and complete the evening with 8 hours of sleep. That is my birthday present. 8 hours of blissful sleep. I haven't had more than 6 hours since Levi was born. So that in itself, is an amazing gift.
So for my birthday, leave me a message of YOUR best b-day. What did you do? What did it entail? What made it so special?!
______________________________________________________________________________________
This is my best birthday gift ever....
Besos y Pesos,
<3 Pistolita
They grow so fast. Levi is almost 3 weeks old. He looks totally different to me already!
As for me, I'm back in my pre-pregnant jeans. I've lost it all but 6lbs. I've started working from home again, and my c-section scar is slowly fading away. I got to start driving again on Monday.
This is all the update I can manage right now, cause Levi is sleeping.. and that means I get to as well.
besos y pesos,
<3 Pistolita
