I decided to write something today, based on a conversation with a friend spurred by this article.

I was particularly struck by the part about what women have to do to protect themselves and the stark difference between the men. I had always assumed men were told the same things, and most importantly, that they knew that women were taught these things — but they aren’t (which is something I also discovered while discussing with Russell). It’s impossible to foster mutual respect when such differences occur without first being able to acknowledge these differences.

I feel like our society is at the brink of rooting out gender inequality, but right now it is only breaking the surface. Many people see the inequality but are still mired in ingrained sexist beliefs, myself included. A simple example is the fact that Chapters has book sections separated by sex - “for him”, “for her”. The most intellectual reading is grouped in the “for him” section, while most of the superficial (even vapid) reading is in the women’s section. What bothers me the most is that I still buy into this gendered stuff, where I am totally comfortable picking up a fashion magazine but have to push myself to pick up a science magazine because it actually feels wrong, which is crazy!

The male dominated relationship that’s illustrated in the article is just too common. I have 2 fathers who both hail from a legacy of controlling men, which I try very hard not to blame them for because that does nobody any good. It took me years of heated arguments with my dad for him to even begin to see that I was making very sound, intelligent points. Eventually, he did start taking me seriously, his domineering lectures abated, and we have a much healthier relationship. I’m probably extra sensitive to these issues, but I think it’s a vital starting point for equality and it begins with women who assert themselves.

When we were talking before, you mentioned chivalry and enjoying being dominated, which is totally cool as long as it stems from mutual respect. As soon as a person uses their size or power to get their way at the expense of another, then it becomes a problem. But how do we identify when a man crosses this line, because right now there are systems of belief in place that skew it. One time, I ended up having sex with a guy because he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I didn’t want to “cause a fuss” (by yelling or hurting him) so I just went with it and did my best to enjoy it. He wasn’t violent or mean, but to this day, I feel like that is the closest I have ever come to being raped, some would say that I was. I have no idea what I would have had to do to make him stop but the fact that I felt that I would be making a fuss in demanding he stop, and he felt entitled to have me regardless of my obvious disagreement, is what I mean when I say that gender inequality exists. These situations occur all of the time and both sexes lack the awareness to recognize when bad things are happening until it’s too late. When you hear a similar story, but the girl does decide to take action, there is a stigma against her and the legitimacy of changing her mind after the fact. But perhaps the real psychological consequences of things don’t rise up until one has sobered up, and they haunt them until they make it right.

So here I am, an outspoken, independent woman, living in a country where most people acknowledge the existence of gender inequality, and yet I still have not broken free of it myself. Now imagine any woman in a different country and the things she has to accept as normal, daily. The freedoms that I take for granted are things that she still has to fight tooth and nail for, or as yet can only dream of. This is why I feel it is necessary to keep being vocal about gender inequality.

I've started a new series of work, beginning with some drawings.







P.S. thanks again for the love on my new set. If you haven't seen it yet, it's here.

Thanks for all the love on my new set. It's most definitely my favorite, in part because the photography, done by Cherry, is stunning. One can really appreciate this for more than just the boobies and bum.

These are some of my favorite shots from the set, though there are many more:

4 days and you'll get to see my new set!



I'm wearing jeans! This is the first time I've worn pants, let alone jeans, in a set, though I wear them pretty much every day in normal life. How weird is that?!



But what I love most about this set, and what makes it so different from many of the other sets on SG, is that it's barely been photoshopped at all. You can see my skin! Perhaps this is just the artist in me, but I love skin. There are too many photos, and now tv shows, out there that airbrush the crap out of women's skin. We don't look like that in real life, so why pretend.

The older I get, the more I notice little changes in my face and body and it's really exciting! I enjoy change. I enjoy seeing myself growing, not older, but simply growing. The days where the circles under my eyes are the darkest, when the wrinkles refuse to smooth out after sleeping with my face smooshed into my pillow, are the days when I feel I look the most interesting and beautiful.

January 8th, new set hits member review! This one is very different and I love it. I hope you do to.

I have sex on the brain.

New set is coming soon to MR!

I've begun doing little drawings.


Radeo

and

Mendacia

I think these ones turned out so well because I feel I have a connection to these women through SG. These 2 are already sold but I plan to do more, which will be for sale between $100 and $200. I've got 2 shows booked for late next year and somehow I have to keep the bills paid up until then.

Heck, this series might just end up being what I do for my shows, it's so fun and satisfying. Yet I feel like I should be doing more conceptually challenging work if it'll be hanging in galleries. I don't know if this is because I'm simply trying to make life difficult because I have a dumb complex about not taking the "easy path", or if it's because I really want my work to say more.

I feel like I have a lot to say! The older I get the more I see in the world around me that needs to be brought into a dialogue. Just having conversations with my male partner shows how much of a gap there is between a man's and a woman's understanding of each others experiences. An example: when a woman is asked about what she does to protect herself at night, she has a whole list of things that she's been told from a very young age, from not talking or making eye contact with strangers, staying in well-lit places, holding her keys to use as a weapon, to yell "fire" if someone tries to grab her, to cross the street if someone is on the same side... endless. Ask a man, and many will not have even considered the question before. To take this further, now one might see why a woman seems unapproachable or downright bitchy if you try to strike up a conversation with her outside at night - because she has been taught to view anyone approaching as a possible attacker. On the flip side, one can see why men might be insensitive to a woman's attitude at night because they have no idea that she's actually just trying to protect herself from being attacked. I had always assumed that guys were taught the same things as us, but my partner said something to the effect of "no, why would they be?". Edit: links to other writings on my point - here and here

Despite my partner being one of the most understanding and open people EVER, we still have misunderstandings that begin simply because we have different life experiences. There are things that set me off because of my childhood, called triggers, that cause me to get irrationally angry. Having my butt or boobs randomly grabbed is an example. First it makes my skin crawl with disgust and then I have the urge to stab someone, even the thought of it while writing this sets my heart pounding and hands shaking. My partner, on the other hand, is trying to understand why I'm now red with rage in front of him when all he wanted to do is show me he loves me. To me it's not a harmless gesture of affection, they way my partner might intend it to be. And I can't just get over it, it takes a lot of self-talk for me to calm down and reinforce that it can be a positive, loving experience. I've not really been open about these specifics in my past blogs, but I'm realizing more and more how first-hand dialogue is important for people to gain some perspective. I can't just assume that a new partner will understand and I shouldn't "hate on men" if nobody has told them these things before. It might be hard to understand if you don't have these kinds of reactions, have never been the victim of someone's assertion of dominance over you. Maybe it's possible to draw parallels, such as when a former boss mistreated you day in and day out, the feeling of powerless and anger that you felt at the time and, most importantly, how it affects your behavior today. The only way things will change is if we talk openly about our experiences without getting defensive or laying blame.

Anyways, I don't want to overwhelm you with this stuff, but maybe I have opened your eyes a bit. Thanks for reading.

How exciting to be on the front page! All the hard work of shooting the video last year has finally paid off. As I said at the time, it was such an eye-opening and fun experience.

It's quite timely that this set went up just a week before my next trip to Europe! This time I'll be in Germany and the Czech Republic for 3 weeks. I'm so excited for this, I can picture myself there right now walking the streets reveling at the amazing architecture. I can't wait to sit quietly and paint the buildings, witnessing the minute shifts in the scene as the hours pass. Of course much of my time will be spent in museums and galleries, as well.

Here is my latest piece in-progress for a monsters and robots themed show.



This new character has appeared in my work and I'm curious to see what mischief she will bring.

So this art exhibition that was supposed to be happening next month, where I would be showing alongside some really well-known artists, and I applied for my very first grant which would pay for some of my travel expenses, and I was flying with my boyfriend to go to the opening, which was in Hamburg... it got cancelled due to some last-minute building construction. I've been looking forward to this show for a few years and suddenly, poof, gone. The silliest part was that I felt ashamed to even announce that this wouldn't be happening, as if it would reflect badly upon me somehow. I don't feel quite sad about it (except now that I'm writing it all down it seems more grave), rather I'm more excited to have a freed up schedule for traveling around once I'm in Europe. It's also made me curious as to what better things the universe has in store! Bring on the new opportunities!

An artist friend of mine called the other day, and he told me that he just got a commission for 3 paintings where the person literally said, "Money is no object." How awesome is that!?! I asked him what he had planned for his vacation next year. He laughed, but didn't really have an answer. Seriously, though, if I ever have that kind of opportunity I'm going to plan my dream trip, which might be as nerdy as doing a 3-month artist residency in New York. Whatever the cost of it is, that is the amount I would ask for.

Oh, and here is a photo of the painting, now finished, that I posted in my last blog:


Repose. 11"x14". oil on wood.

Sometimes I think too much. It's so strange that on one day I can feel invincibly impassioned about my work where every nuance is magic, and the next I am asking myself repeatedly "What is it that I am doing?" with each brushstroke a burden of responsibility. Nothing has changed, if anything I should be most proud of what I'm working on right now, and yet everything suddenly feels fake. I've gone from being an observant student of life to a critic holding a critique of things that do not even exist yet. I know that all of this is the result of my wild hormones and the new pressure of bigger better things on the horizon... if only I do everything "perfectly". But it doesn't matter if I do anything perfectly. It only matters that I do it; show up and paint everyday. My intentions are good - I really want my paintings to affect change in people. If I have to, I'll stand in front of my easel with my hands painting away while my mind swims circles in pools of driveling self-critique. Eventually this process always leads to a catharsis, and I am quite lucky to have such a viable outlet with which to exorcise my demons. Once the paintings are done, however they look doesn't really matter because I can't predict what will or won't inspire someone. I only know that honest art is the most powerful. I also know that my art isn't the be all end all of how I can make a difference, it's simply another tool.

End ranty pep talk.

Thanks for reading, here's some art that's in progress.