Summer lets out a low moan as Fall overtakes her. The sun shines, but it's happiness fades with her warmth. I feel melancholy and lonely lately, as if I can feel the death of summer. But then I remember your words and their simple significance. And your face. Your blue eyes, wide with joy unlike any that I'll ever feel again, haunt me. So wise and open. You looked right into me and shook me with those powerful eyes. For a moment we lay together in each others arms, your love seeping deep inside me, forming a pool around my bare heart. We share a breath, lips so lightly touching. Souls sinking into one another. You saw the tears that would have fought their way down my cheeks and whispered secretly to me, "I went for a walk in the sunshine today, and I picked a flower. That's it." If it were not for me already sitting I would have crumpled right there, in front of a room full of people. I wanted to tell you, "I love you," but I was too shy. It doesn't matter anyways. Instead, I will pick a flower today. And another one tomorrow. And another one until there are no more flowers, only leaves. Then I will pick the tiny seeds from these flowers and keep them safe from the cold. Every day during winter I will whisper to them of how you touched me with your love and I will fill them with it. Then I will plant them in my little red pot on my window sill and when spring comes they will grow again. Their blossoms will be the blue of your eyes, with tiny black centers. Each day they will remind me of you and your words. And your joy.

Today I attended the last class/performance of an advanced voice workshop. My friend was in it and invited us to watch. It was the most incredibly moving thing I've ever done. These people were so powerful and talented and I was totally swept away by everything that was happening in front of and to me. In particular there was a shining light of a woman who, in one of her pieces, looked right into me. She looked me right in the eyes during her performance and I shook with the energy she was projecting. It was very profound for me to be in the presence of such emotive and focussed people.

I was told once that I am a feeling clairvoyant. Now I understand what happens to me when others are around. If there is someone who is feeling emotional, I can tell immediately. Unfortunately, until now, I picked up their emotions as my own. Now I am beginning to be able to tell if it is someone other than myself who is emoting. Now I realize that most people send out fragmented emotions. Sometimes it's because they don't know what they are feeling, or they do not wish to confront those feelings, and I end up an emotional wreck after interacting with them. Usually talking to them helps them, and myself, figure out what is going on. Most people do not want to talk, however. With those people I just have to run and hide, or learn to close my heart.

Being around those performers was different because they knew exactly what they were feeling and how to project it. Instead of getting a bunch of static flying at me, I experienced pure, lovely emotion. I was gently coaxed out of my body and into theirs with delicate and loving hands. I experienced each person as if I were lying naked with them in bed, whispering in my ear every heartbreak and joy that they have ever felt. When I left the classroom I was hot and shaking. My legs were weak and I was so open and happy. Perhaps it felt something like an emotional orgasm.

Open relationships are amazing! For example: My girlfriend snuck me in to see dj Tiesto, but she was bartending so I had to go make myself some friends to hang out with. So I go and stand by the dance floor. Barely 1 minute goes by and a hot-Russian-mobster-wannabe guy comes and asks to buy me a drink. On the dance floor, he holds back crushing crowds of boys trying to get a picture of Tiesto so that I can dance and I make it nice and clear that I will not be going home with him. He decides to hang with me anyways and we have a fun night of dancing and cuddling. 1am rolls around and my lover comes and picks me up, totally stoned on pot cookies that he and his girlfriend ate earlier. So we go home, have intense sex, then happily fall asleep in each other's arms. Yay!

10 things that I am grateful for:

1. myself
2. james
3. taylor
4. branden
5. massive attack
6. sketchbook
7. pen and pencil + eraser
8. new imac!!!
9. yoga mat
10. tea

What are you grateful for today?

Ok guys, I've figured out the root to all of the world's problems! Seriously! Please read this!

Truth. If we all told the honest truth, to ourselves, our lovers, and every person that we ever encountered in our lives, our species would be so much greater.

My experience: Since having my first Kundalini awakening about six months ago I met a man. Together we have had the most joyous, nurturing relationship, except every full moon I had been having these outbursts at him. I would get through them by accepting whatever the situation was, but ultimately the cycle would continue. That is until I stopped being afraid of his pain and anger and told him the complete, honest truth. I stopped accepting the situation and sought the root of the problem. I told him that there were times when we would make love, that, rather than asking him to stop because I was in pain, I would just retreat inside myself and convince myself that I was enjoying it. I didn't even realize that doing this was hurting every aspect of my life, let alone myself and my lovers. If a person cannot be open with the person whom they love the most, how can they be open with the world? Sex is a very integral part of being human. When something this integral is made unhealthy through the perpetuation of lies and mistrust, one's whole life becomes less than it could be. Since coming to this realization and speaking the truth at every turn, my entire existence has gained balance and joy.

I have been observing the rest of my relationships and have found that a lack of honesty is what caused me to be sexually abused as a child. The more I lied to my stepfather by telling him I loved him, the more he hated me and took from me. That lie was perpetuated by him telling me that he loved me, all the while that he abused me. Honesty would have had him out of my life forever. Honesty would have made my future relationships so much healthier. Now I know how to stop the cycle.

At the time, I was a child. A child learns from what they see. All around us there are so many lies. No wonder there is so much anger and pain in the world. Everyone can sense the lies, they just don't see them. They see truths, because that is what everyone deserves to see, but they feel the pain of the lie and it burns them and it makes them angry that someone could lie to them. The cycle continues.

Starting today, please tell the truth to every person you encounter, with grace and charm, of course. Be truthful to yourself about the decisions you make. Let go of guilt. If every decision is made through the simplicity of the truth the world will flow the way it is meant to. Every time you make a promise grudgingly, knowing that you do not want to make that promise, the world twists. If you only speak the truth, somehow things have a way of working out. You will notice that the more truth you tell, the happier and easier your life will become. The world flows with joy!

EDIT: I think this is why the global consciousness is accelerating - BLOGGING. People are so honest on the internet. We are so much more connected in every sense. The good energy that is created through honesty is shared with millions of people. Yay!

Oh dear, I missed SG night! All those hot drunk girls ready to be taken advantage of and I was out of town... at Shambhala! Probably the only thing I would miss SG night for is Shambs. It was seriously one of the best weeks of my life, which has changed completely in the few days since I have been back. Here is a list of awesomeness just to show you how awesome awesome can be:

1. I did/took(?) a candy flip and had such an amazing and eye opening experience. I realized, while I was peaking, that I'd had a vision of that exact moment months earlier in a dream. I expected time to stop, but not overlap. I know that the power of man is immeasurable. We can create anything.

2. I decided to manifest myself a girlfriend at Shambhala. She would be skinny, have blonde hair, blue eyes, be smart, conscious, successful and special. Well, not only did I meet her at Shambhala, she rode up with my friends and I to Shambhala! How crazy. She's everything that I wanted and so much more. I have never met a more complex person in my life. She has overcome sooooo much, and they are things that I can relate to, and she has created her own success. I'm very excited about our future.

3. I got so much closer with my other (ex) boyfriend. While I know that he loves me, I was never sure if he knew. He finally told me and we have become so much more open with each other since. There is no more fear between us, just love.

4. I got a wicked tan and ate so much healthy food!

New drawing! Her name is Anka and she's sold


graphite on arches paper, 30"x22".

More to come...

The story begins... with a girl. Half in, half out of every world, like water, she flows with the pull of experience. Nothing is certain with her but her desire to learn the secrets of her own heart. With the romanticism of France and the eroticism of Asia in her blood, she is fated to wander a lascivious path. Where she walks, chrysanthemums bloom then wilt, their petals catching on the wind and landing on the lips of her lovers. They swoon in sated silence, falling at her feet and dreaming of awakenings. Such is her gift, to stir the soul through the heart.

It was suggested to me by a respected friend that I might want to begin narrating a character in my artwork, and to create a world for her. It would help me to better manifest success because there would be all of this energy going into creating this person, her world, and the events that would drive the narrative. She would be a real person for me to communicate with, to conjure energy and emotion with. When the idea of an 'alter ego' came up, my immediate reaction was that I don't need an alter ego because I am so free in my life, I live vicariously through myself. It's a wonderful feeling to know that I don't need to hide anything, and that I have no unfulfilled desires. Perhaps it is simply the word 'ego' that I dislike because I have spent too much time trying to shed myself of it. I think 'second self' is a better name, or better yet just give her a name. How about Phoenix?

If I were to create a character she would need to be someone whose life would complement my own. I don't want to dwell on issues that are unnecessary for me. I am passed the unrequited love, yearning for freedom, melancholy sort of things. In the past I have made work where I steeped myself in sorrow and anger and the work turned out brilliantly. However, to be truly conscious one must let go of all emotion and simply exist in the moment. Therefore, is it a step backwards for myself to dwell on any emotion, positive or negative. Should I separate so that only the second self feels emotion. Is it healthy to separate?

I've thought of doing work that illustrates my own state of being. The way that jameswyper paints is powerful and many people are drawn to it. I find it interesting though, when I was asked to describe his latest piece, I didn't relate any emotion to it. I don't really feel emotions the way I used to. I sort of experience rather than feel. I exist in a way that is unreliant upon emotion, or at least I try to. So how do I portray that in a portrait?

Life is so good right now! I love everything and everyone around me. Each of my friends is so special. I don't regret losing touch with some people or that I don't have a massive amount of friends because I am grateful for having only good people around me. There is no one in my life that drains my energy or tries to put me down. Each moment is so fulfilling, it's almost hard for me to get anything done. Thanks everyone!