So this art exhibition that was supposed to be happening next month, where I would be showing alongside some really well-known artists, and I applied for my very first grant which would pay for some of my travel expenses, and I was flying with my boyfriend to go to the opening, which was in Hamburg... it got cancelled due to some last-minute building construction. I've been looking forward to this show for a few years and suddenly, poof, gone. The silliest part was that I felt ashamed to even announce that this wouldn't be happening, as if it would reflect badly upon me somehow. I don't feel quite sad about it (except now that I'm writing it all down it seems more grave), rather I'm more excited to have a freed up schedule for traveling around once I'm in Europe. It's also made me curious as to what better things the universe has in store! Bring on the new opportunities!

An artist friend of mine called the other day, and he told me that he just got a commission for 3 paintings where the person literally said, "Money is no object." How awesome is that!?! I asked him what he had planned for his vacation next year. He laughed, but didn't really have an answer. Seriously, though, if I ever have that kind of opportunity I'm going to plan my dream trip, which might be as nerdy as doing a 3-month artist residency in New York. Whatever the cost of it is, that is the amount I would ask for.

Oh, and here is a photo of the painting, now finished, that I posted in my last blog:


Repose. 11"x14". oil on wood.

Sometimes I think too much. It's so strange that on one day I can feel invincibly impassioned about my work where every nuance is magic, and the next I am asking myself repeatedly "What is it that I am doing?" with each brushstroke a burden of responsibility. Nothing has changed, if anything I should be most proud of what I'm working on right now, and yet everything suddenly feels fake. I've gone from being an observant student of life to a critic holding a critique of things that do not even exist yet. I know that all of this is the result of my wild hormones and the new pressure of bigger better things on the horizon... if only I do everything "perfectly". But it doesn't matter if I do anything perfectly. It only matters that I do it; show up and paint everyday. My intentions are good - I really want my paintings to affect change in people. If I have to, I'll stand in front of my easel with my hands painting away while my mind swims circles in pools of driveling self-critique. Eventually this process always leads to a catharsis, and I am quite lucky to have such a viable outlet with which to exorcise my demons. Once the paintings are done, however they look doesn't really matter because I can't predict what will or won't inspire someone. I only know that honest art is the most powerful. I also know that my art isn't the be all end all of how I can make a difference, it's simply another tool.

End ranty pep talk.

Thanks for reading, here's some art that's in progress.

I'm listening to Barron Storey talk about his career in a podcast. I should really be watching Bob Ross videos in order to prepare for some plein air painting I'll be doing for fun tomorrow alongside Cherry. Oh well. He talks about painting what one knows and experiences, rather than an idea one has about something with no personal connection to it. For example, as a young illustrator he is obsessed with death and shows his drawings to his teacher, who laughs at his Halloweenish attempts. Barron finds his way into a morgue, yet still he cannot find death, only flesh. Finally, he finds the true image of death in his mother, who is lying in a hospital bed after attempting suicide. He draws her and shows this to his teacher, who acknowledges that he has indeed captured real death in his art.

Lately, I've become quite aware of how important it is to continue learning, especially in my art. After reading a novel that went into great detail about an artist and her mentor, and how much more she learned when interacting with this person, I've been feeling the need to learn from others. It's not very common here for "master" artists to hold classes and workshops, unlike in LA or NY. I've managed to help organize a small weekly event where some local artists get together and create. Tonight we made an exquisite corpse drawing and it was so interesting! I didn't actually get to draw in this one because I accidentally peeked, which negates the whole point of the exercise. Can you believe that each of these sections of drawing was created by a different artist without seeing what any of the others had done?



I'm looking forward to next weeks drawing! We'll also be getting a model to come in once a month for us to draw live. I'm especially hoping for each of us to run a 1-2 hr workshop where we demonstrate our techniques and whatever the others want to know about our process. Years ago I dreamed of holding events like this but I never thought I would really be the one to help orchestrate it.

Thanks for all the comments on my previous blog. It's quite a complicated conversation and I value your input.

In most recent news, I'm very excited about being in a group show in SF. I can't say that it's set in stone as of yet, but I was inspired and decided to work out a rough sketch anyways. Can you tell what it is? (I took some liberties and made it a mashup)



Now that this is out of my head, I can focus on other projects that are popping up for the fall.

I've just heard about an advance in science where we may soon be able to essentially download our memories onto a computer. I believe that all of human conflict could be resolved if every person on earth were to experience the memories of every other person. If babies were imprinted with the memories of all of humanity at a young age, perhaps before they began to define themselves as individuals, they would grow up without bias against other people, no sexism, racism, etc would exist because while the child could grow into their own person and gain new memories, the old ones would provide an immense well of insight that would allow empathy to dominate our society. Like a stem cell, which has all of the genetic material needed to become any part of the human body, our brains would be brimming with the knowledge and experience required to think with the greater good in mind and do away with the petty problems that result from a life of subjective individual experience. Perhaps I am thinking like the Borg. What do you think?

I have begun writing a book! At this point I only have 8 pages written but I don't see an end in sight to the words pouring out of me. It was inspired by reading The World According to Garp. Half way through I realized just how many insights I was gaining about this person and men in general. There is a noticeable lack of a real woman's perspective in it and I thought that it would be a good exercise to write a woman's account of life. I'm particularly focused on all of the various types of relationships between men and women - father/daughter, step-father/daughter, lovers, polyamory, monogamy, platonic encounters, and how I've experienced these, what informs my point of view and why. I want to try to stay away from criticizing or generalizing anything because I think the best way to influence people is simply to share an experience. I don't want the book to be an autobiography, so I've been writing down everything that comes to mind about my life and those around me but will eventually twist it all into something more fictional, but believable and hopefully relatable. Part of what's exciting about this is dreaming up things that I would like to have done with my life and fitting details into that.

A primary reason why I've chosen to write this is because I've been noticing more and more lately just how sexist this world still is, towards both men and women. The world definitely needs more women to be vocal about their life experiences if anything is to change. A poignant moment for me recently was in a discussion about equality in the workplace. I felt such a sense of relief when a male friend wholeheartedly accepted the feminist argument - I got a glimpse of what things should be like, and realized how often they are not. I had been expecting a rebuttal of disagreement because that is what I often get when trying to express my point of view. Things often turn into a war of the sexes because there is such a lack of understanding between one another. Perhaps there are already a ton of books out there documenting personal experiences, but I doubt one more will hurt. Hopefully something I write will strike a chord with many people and we can all get along a bit more easily.

This weekend was very hectic. The gallery that I show with had a booth at a sustainability expo and so I was there 8 hrs a day all weekend while people passed by disinterestedly. It's sad that the sustainability expo's by-line was "Buy a better future" . It was definitely not the right venue for my work, which is interesting because I think my work has a positive message, but I guess it just wasn't the right vibe. Choplogik, on the other hand, did amazingly well with every passerby laughing and smiling about his pieces. If you haven't seen his stuff you should check out his profile. Perhaps it is good that we excel in different areas. What struck me about the weekend is how exhausting it is to try to pique people's interest while they have none of it. On days when I am live painting and people are interested and buying stuff, I feel great and fulfilled, but the reverse is true when nobody takes interest. It's very obvious which ones are which, too. I don't think it's just an ego thing, of course you feel good when you get attention, but meaningful exchanges with people are really vital to being happy and healthy. Sometimes I feel greedy for withholding myself from people by not engaging with them, but being a person who isn't overflowing with energy means it's necessary to be choosy. If I had to do what I did this weekend every day, I would, and have done in the past, go crazy; a cat stuck in a car on a road trip!

Here's the painting that I finished while at the expo:


Okay, enough complaining. Life has been really good lately. I'm proud that I've become a tougher business woman by standing up to people that would take as much as they could from me. It's reminded me how much sexism still exists in the world, but I'm now inspired to do paintings that are more conceptual. I want to highlight the strangenesses and inequalities that I encounter, while still keeping the work beautiful and positive. It might involve challenging what beautiful is but I think there are some basic principles that are true. I'll be exploring different media in order to better differentiate the points of reality and fantasy as well. I had originally planned to take it easy this summer, but after so many months of constant work I don't want to lose all of this great momentum. It's so natural to work hard now. I do want to spend a lot of time outdoors, so that will offset much of the studio hours I'm putting in.

Life is great, I'm still chugging along past all the goals and deadlines.

I've been escaping into books lately. Having just finished reading American Gods, I am excited to read more books by Neil Gaiman! I rarely find myself able to read every single word in a book, often skipping to the bits of dialogue, but with his writing I am happy to languor in his unusual descriptions of even mundane things.

I went bra shopping and will no longer be buying those loathsome foam cup bras ever again, the ones that make boobs look like rocket ships or soccer domes. I've discovered unlined bras that are comfortable and allow my nipples to say hello when they like, which I find incredibly sexy, more so than mountains of cleavage. This also fulfills my life long dream of (almost) going bra less.

Other than that, I finished a few paintings:


I'm really proud of this one! It's 48"x58", which is huge. It inspired me to keep working big, so all of the paintings that I'm doing for my next show are huge. It's been a challenge to do 6 (amazing) big paintings in a row in 6 weeks. I had to paint over one because I hated it and I've struggled with other things, but today I have a photo shoot with a new model, so I think this will get me back on track with fresh ideas.

I've let myself do some 1-day paintings so that I can keep working without burning myself out.


This one is only 20"x16", which used to be my normal working size. Ha ha.

Okay, I'm bad at updating. I have a bunch of paintings to show you!


Grasping at Air.


Coalesce.


Ingrained.


Undecided.


Hush


Daydreaming.

They are all small to medium size (perfect for shipping!). Contact Sawa here if you are interested in anything and she can give you more info.

Aside from making art, which has been taking up most of my time, I've been traveling a lot. I drove to LA with Cherry and Choplogik a few weeks ago for the opening of my show there, which is where all of the above mentioned work is. After that, we drove back up along the coast and it was breathtakingly beautiful. We camped a few nights and then slummed it in a few cheap motels, which gave us many horror stories to tell.

My favorite stop was Portland, which we only spent an evening in on our way down and also on our way back. My opinion might be influenced by the fact that we ate waaay too much good food there. The Ace hotel is amazing! My feelings for that city have stuck with me ever since.

The fast pace of life continues as I prepare for 2 shows in the coming few months and finish up my biggest commission to date. I've gotten brave and started working on big canvases, which I now love, so there will be lots of big paintings coming up.

I'm in Hong Kong right now. It's been lovely so far. Ive been doing yoga or running everyday for the last 2 weeks and I'm addicted. I'm the type who looks forward to exercise while on vacation, since I tend to forego it while at home when work gets busy. Feeling stronger and seeing what new poses I can hold each day is very uplifting. My knee problems have also begun to subside. Of course I have a sexy photo as proof but I don't know how to attach it from my iPhone so you'll just have to trust me.