I found out that my uncle committed suicide last night. I mostly feel terrible for my family - my 27 yr old cousin who found his body, my mom and the others who watched over the body until it had been removed and now have to handle the remainder of his affairs. I'm afraid to imagine what it must be like to happen upon something like that, and to have to sift through a loved ones things when they have just gone. He was 44, the youngest out of my mother's siblings, and he left behind a young daughter. I hope that they are doing okay and it's hard that I can't be there to make sure of it. Not that I could really do much but at least I could be a presence. Being alone at a time like this is possibly the worst thing, even I'm having trouble with it and I'm so far removed from it all.

Today was very surreal. I'd had plans to celebrate the day with Choplogik before I knew anything had happened. We were going to have high tea and then visit the Vancouver Art Gallery. I got the news this morning and was completely shocked. I had a good cry, managed to tell Chop what had happened, and decided that today should still be a day of celebration. I remember that the last time I saw my uncle, he expressed how wonderful he thought it was that I was living my dreams in Vancouver, so I thought the best thing to do would be to have the most amazing day in my uncle's name. So we went out and did all the things that we had planned and they were glorious, we even drew a new character and named it after him. After the VAG we ate sushi, walked along the ocean, then had dessert and listened to live music at our favorite Indian restaurant. It was the most magnificent day.

At the VAG there were a few exhibits that struck a chord, like a framed suicide note, a very disorienting mirrored maze about depression, and sculptures implying loss or absence. One that was especially poignant were mirrors with old photographs stuck in the edges. You'd see your reflection framed by photos of another person's life. It made me think about my mom having to go through my uncle's things and being reminded of his absence. On the phone this morning, she told me in a wavering voice how she couldn't believe she would never see her baby brother again. I've never witnessed her cry before.

Perhaps seeing that art has helped me to excise some of my grief, because right now I feel pretty good, but I won't say I'm out of the woods yet. Tomorrow will be a day spent in the studio and things can bubble up while I'm working. I was worried about working today because there's nowhere to hide from your mind when you are creating. Whatever thoughts are going on in there will circle around until you are mad. At the same time it could be an opportunity to really get out any emotion that might be pent up, I'll just have to see.

One thing I do know, seeing the world through particularly scrutinous eyes today, is that there is nothing I would change about the life I am living right now, there is no dream left unfulfilled, and no fear of things to come. I realize that pain will always find it's way to me but I can choose to mark painful events with negativity and worry of greater pain to come, or I can mark them as times of celebration, where special attention is paid to make them meaningful. Imagine the multitude of ways in which to express your gratitude, love, and respect for the people you love. These thoughts fill me with joy.