Hoooo-leeee shit! I'm actually thinking about just packing my shit up and moving to Hollywood for a month. KansASS is driving me nuts, and even a break from the people I know here might not be bad. Cause there's just soooo much tension right now. Maybe things would get better? I don't know, I'd try anything to make it better though.

This could just be crazy 1:30AM ramblings...but I'm seriously considering it. I really have wanted to move to LA for quite a while.

I cut my hair. Sorry to everyone who didn't want me to, but I think it was a psychological thing. I just had to do it. Then I got my 2nd and 3rd holes in my ears, which was fun. I'm allergic to silver though, so I have to wear gold studs for now and in 6 weeks, when they've healed enough that I can change them, I'm gonna get some stainless steel hoops, or white gold hoops. So I got to transform myself a bit today. It felt good.

Question of the day: Should I cut my hair?

I got a wild itch to hack it off a few days ago, up to my shoulders. It hasn't gone away. So unless someone has a HUGE protest as to why I shouldn't, I think I'm gonna do it today.

P.S. Look at pic #10 in my candids to see how my hair is right now, and about where I want to cut it up to.

Storm and I are getting drunk as hell. And that is all I have to say for now...

So, I think I might just be headed to Orlando next weekend. Some other SG's and limbo girls are gonna go, and I was informed that I'm invited if I'd like to come. So I'm thinking I might have to do that. Cause life has been shitty and boring and depressing lately. And that would be amazingly fun.

Not much going on today. I didn't go to work like I was supposed to. But ya know, I went back to it and I don't even know if I was officially hired back anyway. I only wanted to go help them temporarily cause they were in a bind. But I thought a lot about what some of you said, and I don't wanna get stuck in a job I hate. I don't want to be miserable all the time because of it.

I shot a set for my friend (Storm) today. Hopefully, this one's better and she'll get to be an SG You can see pics of her in my candids.

Tonight was horrid. There's this guy I work with, and he's great really. A great friend. See where I'm going? He's 17 years older than me and honestly likes me. Not pervo-older guy stalkerish wants me, but genuinely likes me. Only problem is, it's never gonna happen. I don't think of him like that. Last night, we were drinking at work and joking around. I said something sarcastic and he goes "Well, I'm just gonna stop liking you." So I told him to go ahead. And he kinda looks serious for a minute and says, "Should I?" And I said yes.

But then he just blew it off. So he wasn't scheduled tonight, but he came in anyway just to chill with me when I wasn't busy. So he kept trying to get me to kiss him and say I'd be with him, and I didn't want him liking me anymore and wasting his time. So this customer came in and offered me $50 dollars if I'd get on stage and go topless. The guy that likes me, he kinda has less respect for women that do that. Cause he thinks they don't need to. So I figured, what the fuck, let's do it. I'll make $50 and maybe he won't like me as much anymore.

So I did it. And I was SO embarrassed. Luckily, it was the last song of the night before closing and everyone left after that. So I cleaned the tables and mirrors afterwards. The guy is waiting for me, I guess wants to talk to me, or walk me out to my car. And I just left as fast as I could when he wasn't looking.

I sent him a text message from my phone later saying "I hope I made it easier for you to not like me." He called, but I couldn't bring myself to answer. I think it really honestly hurt him that I did that. Which doesn't make any sense. But I hate that I hurt him. I wasn't trying to. I just don't want him wasting any more time on me cause he's a great guy. I tell myself that maybe now he'll move onto someone better that it will work out with. But I feel like the biggest bitch. *sigh*

I don't know. I'll stop ranting. I just feel awful about it.

Made $80 altogether while topless on stage though. And not even a whole song.

Nope, that doesn't help. I still feel like shit.

*sigh*

Sorry I wasn't really around today But, god help me, I took my old job back. They called me and needed me cause the girl that was supposed to show just didn't without calling or anything. So I went in. I kind of thought it would be just a one time thing. But then they fired the girl that hadn't showed up cause she came in 3 hours late. And they basically said that they really need me back and could I please stay on.

I worked with good people. So I just couldn't turn them down. I quit cause of the job, not the people. And they really needed me, cause they haven't been able to get a decent girl since I left. So I couldn't really say no.

A few hours later, I was wondering why I said yes. I love the people, I love the money, but I hate the job. It's a waitressing job at a strip club by the way, in case you were wondering.

But well, good news of the day is I got a $50 dollar tip from this one guy!!!

I'll try to be around more tomorrow. Sleepy now, must go to bed...

Hello everyone!

I'm so excited! Yay! I get to be a SuicideGirl

I can't wait for my set to go up. Let's all cross our fingers and wait anxiously.

Much love to you all!
~phedre