Goodmorning SG!

Sigh- Tuesday, another day closer to the weekend .

Work will be busy today and dead the rest of the week.

I had my nieces over for labor day weekend and took them shopping on Sunday. Got all three of them new outfits and sunbathed on my sundeck and had a picnick.

Although i kept sending them to timeout for being brats i kept myself busy. I think that's what i need. A kid to look after.

I would always complain about wanting to be alone but, i think too much when i am. Then i get bored and feel useless. Idk.

Today feels like "Blah" . Back to the same routine. Nothing new or looking forward to anything interesting.

My sister keeps being difficult and Pookey isn't helping much with his comments or actions towards me.

He's actually acting as though he suspects me of cheating. He keeps going through my phone, asks who called, where i went and so on and so fourth. It's throwing me off. It's like, if he's so afraid of me leaving him for someone else, why doesn't he try to improve? Why doesn't he try to "win" me over again? Like he tried when we first got together.

He's not a very creative person, which limits him to surprising me. Which in a way disapoints me because the day he proposes, it won't be very special. We've talked about it so i see it comming, IF all works out fine. So if he were to just get on his knees and pop the question i would probably just nod and say "finally". Kinda bums me out.

I love this guy to death but sometimes i ask myself, what's holding us together? We don't have a kid, we hardly spend time together, we hardly sit down for long periods of time and talk about each other, there's very little passion, no surprises, it feels as though we're more freinds than anything. Friends with benefits lol.

I was listening to Shakira's new song "She wolf" and i felt like i could relate to it. I was listening to the spanish version, she makes a good point when she says instead of staying home and watching TV and listening to excuses and arguements she's just going to go out and come home in the arms of a gentleman. sigh- no comment.

I feel like i need thrill, success, excitement, surprises (GOOD surprises lol), accomplishments, etc.

Everything feels so dull. Like this is it? No, it can't be, there's got to be more.

I look at my friends and most of them are in tougher situations, either they still live with their parents and have kids or have their own place, not where they would want to be but at least they have their own place and their kids. I don't have kids, have a real great place, have a nice car and have more freedom than they do. I'm grateful for what i have but it's not enough.

I want to become more involved in art. I want to continue my creativity but i want to change it all the time. I want to be in charge of my time. I want to travel. I want to throw fashion shows. I want to design things. I want to decorate my house the way I would want to. I want the ability to speak different languages. I don't want to have to drive to Tustin anymore. I don't want to have to wake up everyday at a certain time, do the same routine and look foward to the weekend. I want to be my own boss and THE boss .

Am i asking for too much? Am i not surrounded by the right people? Am i looking at the wrong direction? Am i doing something wrong?

3 years from now i want to look back and realize how much i have accomplished and be proud of it.

I want to own a house already. A nice big house where i can take my sister and her kids and my parents and live good. Stress free, as though they are on vacation everyday.

I don't have time for school. But i have so many ideas, so much creativity and i don't know how to use it without going to school. It's so ready to burst.

Just before i can reach point C, i'm back at point A.

I don't know if i lack support or motivation. My situation depresses me sometimes becasue it's not where i want to be.

i don't want to answer phones all the time. I don't want to be in a possition in which i feel like my job is threatend. I want to go to work carefree and wake up and choose if to or not go to work. To come up with new ideas get all choked up about it and sketch it out.

Sigh- dreams. Lol they can really get the best of you lol.

Today is such a beautiful day. It was 8:40 am when i woke up. I woke up to the sound of my nieces running around. Yesterday was one hell of a day.

The day before yesterday i told my sister to be ready by 8:00 am because after dropping off the kids at school i would take her and the boys to Disneyland on my way to work. Given the fact that yesterday was her birthday she gets in for free and the kids are under 3 so they also get in for free. Her boyfriend's sister works there so she got him in for free.

So i arrive on Friday morning at 740 and her daughter isn't ready for school. She doesn't start until 820 so i drop off my brother and come back. I eventually convince my sister of coming along in order to help her daughter eat breakfast at school.

On our way back neither of the kids were ready. I understand she has 6 kids and that's a lot to work with but she's usually on time with these things. I end up finding out that she went out late last night and that's why she didn't wake up on time.

So i'm there helping her find shoes for the kids and feeding them. Two of the girls with be going to a daycare center and get picked up at 900 and the 3 boys will be going to disneyland.

Angel (one of the twin boys with the circled rash i mentioned earlier) was feeling a little down. To update on his condition, we ended up buying the medicine. The doctor Rx Zithromax for 6 months to prevent it from becoming Chronic Lyme. We had just tested him and are currently waiting on the lab results but don't want to wait until the results come in in order for us to give him the medication as a precaution. The only thing we need to get are the shots. He needs to get one shot every month for six months. Those shots are going to cost us $320 and that is at a discounted price.

My sister doesn't have that kind of money and i will need to save up. Luckily i have an extra check coming in within 2 weeks from now so i will be able to buy them.

So he was excited once he heard they were going to Disneyland. I usually go to work around 840 but the office isn't "officially" open until 10 am. THe doctor told me she would show up early and be at the office by 9am. I didn't get to the office until 12pm! I was afraid she would start questioning where i was at and whatnot. Luckily she didn't show up until 30 min after i did. Pheeew! close call.

What frustrates me about my sister is that she doesn't take for consideration what other people do for her and the risks that they take for her sometimes. I mean my mom is out of the country and she's usually the one to help her out. Now without her around she pretty much is on her own. I help her with what i can but she still has a huge load on her shoulders. She doesn't understand that i can lose my job for doing favors this big for her, or how i sometimes i'm struggling for gas money but yet i drive her around or have to escape from work because she was irresponsible and needed to either get something from my house or needed some sort of important favor.

Anyway, i got out of work around 6pm and headed off to the bank to withdraw money and pay bills later throughout the day. The ATM was being difficult so i went inside. I find out that the bank froze my account and cancelled my debit card. So i speak to a rep and they told me that it was due to too many "empty envelope" deposits. So i freak out and explain to them.

1-the first time i deposited money through the ATM, the money was lost and didn't find it until 2 months later. I can't afford that right now.

2-when i was going to deposit money through the ATM, i panicked and put in an empty envelope while i wrote my information on the one that had money so they don't give me the excuse that they lost my money. So it showed as though they received 2 deposits but they later adjusted that.

3- I grab a handful of envelopes and write my info on them so next time i just grab and envelope put my $ in there and deposit it without forgetting. So i put my check in one of them. Stupid me put it in the glove compartment with the rest. Assuming it was at the top, i grab the envelope and deposit it. It turns out i grabbed the wrong envelope. My check was still in my glove compartment.

So they said they would have to order me a new card until Tuesday due to the holiday and it would take approx 7 days to arrive.

7 DAYS?! What the hell will i do in the meantime?! UGH!!!!

So i ended up going home and went to the store and bought some groceries. Then i went to my aunt's house and picked up the girls and brought them over.

Pookey made us all spaghetti! We all had a nice dinner and i put the girls to sleep.

I stayed up until 11 talking to my parents through Skype. Then my sister calls telling me that they are out and i head off to Disneyland again. I pick them up and i assumed the kids would be tired. The smallest one was asleep already. We call him "squishy" because he's so chubby and the twins were so energetic. They didn't want to go to sleep. My sister and her bf were exhausted!

So i drop them off at home and head back home.

SLeep! at last. I wake up and look out my window and see a beautiful fresh bright morning. The smell of wet grass and the fresh breeze. The soothing sound of cars passing by, almost sounds like ocean waves.

I'm a bit more relaxed now.

I'm staying positive in regards to Angel's condition, either way, he's taking medication just in case so i have a piece of mind now.

I still believe he was bit by something else. I'm not convinced it was a tick but i continue my search. I mean, do rashes caused my insect bites turn into bruises? or do they just fade away but remain red?

Anyway, i'm hoping for the best. I was also hoping to take my bro shopping for school clothes but i guess it can either wait or burry myself deeper in credit card dept.

I'm almost done paying off my Victoria secret card by $48, Macy's i still have $208 and Bank of America is most likely above $1,000.

Well, i hope for the best. For now, i'm looking forward to a wonderful day

Well, i've been running and i've reached that point of the road in which it splits into 4 different directions and don't know which to take.

I've become desperate for help because i know that with Lyme disease you need to take action quickly or things can get worse. But how do we know its Lyme?

The doctor i work with is a Lyme literate doctor, probably even a Lyme expert. I've become so paranoid of the disease because i work with people who are suffering so much and call everyday telling me they are dying and i feel hopeless on the other end of the phone not being able to do anything to relieve their pain but to deliver thier messages.

I don't want my little Angel to go through that. I remember he had the flu once and he was at a party and i took him home because he was burning up with fever. He was crying and there was nothing i could do to relieve his pain. I gave him medication but it could only do so much. I was crying because i don't want him to suffer.

So, i took him to see the doctor and she confirmed it as being Lyme and began to write a Rx and whatnot. She only searched the area to see if the "bulls eye" rash was still there but there was nothing. He didn't have any of the common symptoms that should follow after the bite but she said some people don't have them.

I wasn't very convinced. I believe he needs blood tests before we give him medication to see if he did get the Lyme infection. Then we will immediately begin with treatment. Medication will also be expensive. For 5 capsules its $70 and he would need to take them for 6 months straight. But what am i saying?! i need to stay positive. I want another doctor's opinion on what it could be.


This was taken on August 23rd at 1:24pm. If you notice, it really isn't a "bulls eye" rash, its just a round rash somewhat like a burn or if he was hit with something because there is not bite mark anywhere and the center of the rash is perfectly fine, it is not irritated, there's no bumps nothing! Which is convincing me that he was not bitten by a tick. So then what bit him?

I was looking online to see if i can find any other insect bites and so far a tick bite and a ringworm are the closest that can relate to this rash.




This picture was taken August 25th at 7:55pm. If you notice it became a bruise. It didn't expand or get worse. So it looks more like an injury than a bite but i don't want to risk my chances.

I mean, i feel like A-i'm over reacting or B- no one realizes how serious this can be.

I'm the only one freaking out here. Everyone is taking this so casually. I mean, has the world gone mad?! Why is no one REACTING?!!!! If this is really Lyme why is everyone so calm about it?! WTF?!!! I don't want the poor baby to suffer! I don't want him to be in pain and lose his ability to walk, talk, eat, etc. I just want him to be a normal healthy baby. I really truly do. That is all i ask for I would give anything for him to grow up healthy.

Does anyone know of a doctor that can take a look at these pictures and help me figure out what it could be?

In the meantime, we will get the blood tests done in order for us to rule out that possibility. But i would really appreciate all your guys' help.

He is a twin, he just turned 3 on the 27th. I would hate to see him go through relentless pain if we don't act quick.

Yesterday after taking my sister grocery shopping, we were driving home and we could see the mountains on fire! From Norwalk! We were driving down Orr and Day and we looked straight ahead and saw the flames ! I feel bad for those whom have to evacuate their homes. But it was insane! I've never seen such a big fire so close before.

I hope this madness all ends soon.

So everything continues to be tangled up. Emotions are up in the air.

I've been going to the park and watched my lil bro practice with his football team. I'm proud of the kid. It is his first time playing the sport and they made him captain! He gives it all he has and no matter how tired he is, he's still giving it his 100%. He has a game on Friday, so far they have won 3 games in a row. I'll probably take him out to eat after the game to reward him for his hard work.

My place is a mess. Since we came back from Vegas, i haven't even unpacked. I can't even walk in my room! Luckily Julian helped me wash the dishes because they were starting to pile up.

I've also begun to look for another place. I realized that i need my own room. I'm just really anal about a lot of things and i can't share a room with people that don't think like i do. But it's just not easy. It's giving me a real headache.

Another pain in the ass is my car repair. My aunt said she would take me to an autoshop where they will waive deductable because right now i can't just spit out $500. It's really frustrating me. If i have no choice and i have to end up paying the full $500 then i will have to have Julian help me out with it. I would have him pay the full $500 but i know he doesn't have it so he will at least need to help me out with half.

I have always wanted to take a carreer in Art especially interior design or fashion but never really happend. I ended up pursuing psychology and still have not yet completed my AA. Kinda pathetic at my age. So i thought the other day of starting small and designing shirts! Then slowly advance it to where i want it to be. If i have a dream i need to get started and make it possible. Because if i just sit around and wait for it to happen, it never will.

Another thing that has me worried is my little nephew Angel. Earlier this week, he had a rash on his back. It looked like a huge red circle on his back. I fear it could be a tick bite which can lead to Lyme disease. I truly hope and am praying that its not so. So i'm waiting for my doctor to show up to work today so i can show her and discuss it with her.

Since my mom has been in Mexico with my dad, i had to take the "mom" role in the house. So i've kept myself pretty busy lately. My schedule is tighter than ever and hardly gives me time to do things i want or need to do. I take my sister grocery shopping, pick up my bro and take him and his friends to practice then come home and cook dinner and sleep and wake up go to work and do the whole routine all over again.

I always dreaded cooking. But now, i kind of like it. Given the fact that i'm a creative person, i get creative with the food. Which makes it fun.

Emotional wise, i'm doing better than a couple weeks or months ago. But i'm still feeling depressed at times. It's almost as if though i lack something in life. My dad explained to me, that in psychology, (my dad's a psychologist btw) depression can mean two things, A-a person lost something or B- a person is missing something and i think that in my case it's both.

We lost the family structure at the age of 10. Until this day, we are still trying to recover it, but it's not the same. I'm missing that spark. Al though i'm staying busy, it's keeping me motivated but i'm not accomplishing much on my end. I'm missing a lot of things i dreamt about growing up and i can't seem to find them.

I'm lost.

In the meantime, i continue to sit on the side and watch the world go by. I'm thankful of what i have but i have a hunger for more. I'm craving something and i don't know what or where to find it. It's like those last missing peices to the puzzle, you don't know where they go.

UGH! this is so frustrating!

Vegas was awsome!

Pookey smoking a cigar


Pookey and I at the Bellagio



Pheew, my hair is finally starting to grow out, and OOoo! New glasses i got at the Luxor!


This is an actual piece of the Titanic! They recovered it from the ocean!
We even went to the Titanic exhibition! It will be at the Luxor for 10 years! Everyone should def check it out! It has real artifacts from the victims that suffered from the Titanic insident.

They even give you a card at the beginning of the tour with the name and details of a passanger and you find out in the end if they survived or not.

Really cool, i loved it!

Then i wanted to go to LAX but no one wanted to go so i ended up going with lisaflames to the Wynn and walked around. We had a blast! Laughing and gossiping! Thanx LIZZY FOR AN AWSOME TIME!!!!

Did some site seeing and came home We arrived at midnight and here we are

Enjoy!

So i guess i reached the steady point of all the wierd nonsense that has been going on. Right now everything is quiet and calm. Nothing extravagant occuring. Yet...

About a week ago my sister found me a little gecko, and i named him Geiko after the car insurance just cuz he looked like the little gecko in the commercials. Something new i learned, baby geckos are called Geppies. Lol, he was my little Geppy. Even that sounds cute! lol

Well, yesturday i bought him a new little home, i came home and was ready to put him in a new little tank when my lil bro said he was dead. Yup, little Geiko froze outside. How could i be so stupid?! I cried, after all, he was just a baby.

Also, my phone decided to erase all my contacts and text messages again. I hate it when that happens! It's the 6th time this year it does that! I have no one's phone number and all my important tattoo messages are gone. I love my phone but i hate it at the same time. Damn, Sidekick LX lol

My desktop on my lap top is also acting up. Everytime i log into my account everything goes away and never comes back, you just see the background picture. Anyone knows what could possibly be wrong with it? or how to fix it?

Wednesday was also the meteor shower. I stayed up until 2:00 am trying to see if i can see it. There was just too much light. I was disappointed

My lil bro is also in his first year of football. It's good because he keeps himself busy and actually likes it. He's really good at giving it all he has. He comes home tired and sore but he's the first one to be ready for practice. He gets hurt a lot but i guess that's part of the game. LOL i sound like a mother So then he has to sell these raffle tickets for $20 each. They are for 4 tickets to Disneyland, a 47" flat screen TV, a car and a BBQ grill lol. Anyone interested in buying one? Winner doesn't have to be present at the time of the raffle, they will contact you. But he needs to get rid of all 10 tickets by September and so far he's sold none

So tonight i will be heading off to Vegas, don't know what to expect yet. Just hope i can get my mind off things and relax

It is also about time i shoot another set, a multi set too

So despite the horrific events we just encountered the TJ trip was a success! A lot of surprises if i may add.

We were supposed to have left our home at 5:00 am in order to arrive at the TJ airport at 8:00am. We didn't leave until 6:00 am. So i had to get ready in my car. Pookey was driving so i was doing my hair in the car. It took me 2 hours to do my hair and makeup because for some reason my straightner was not working in my car so i ended up using the curling iron.

We arrived at the airport on time. We wait for my dad to arrive and we are anxious. My mom points him out and i run! Given the fact that i haven't seen my dad in 8 years i didn't know how i was going to react. My brother and i run to him and hug him so tight! We started to cry of joy. Everyone was looking at us but we didnt care.

My daddy finally met Pookey and said hello to my Mom and we headed towards the parking lot. Parking was a bitch so Pookey had to park in a very tight corner. I was guiding him so he can pull out the car in order for us to get in. As i was guiding him, i was leaning on a rail and i thought there was a chain in the gap, i was ready to lean on the chain until pookey fully pulled out the car. If my mom wouldn't have pulled me, i would have leaned on the gap, thinking there was a chain when there really wasn't and i would have killed myself falling of the 3rd floor straight to rocks and all sorts of metal stuff.

So Pookey drove to the hotel. We finally found it, the Marriott Tijuanna. Very nice, wish i wouldn've taken pictures of the place but i didn't. Our rooms weren't ready and told us to wait about 2 hours. So we went and had breakfast. It was really nice. Finally after waiting we got our rooms. They were very nice. Then my dad talked to us and caught up.

We went out around 9 pm to find a good taco place and ended up going to a place called, "Tacos El Gordo". Then went home and fell asleep. The next morning. Pookey's parents showed up. The cool part about it is that they were dropping off a family member at the airport so it was mere coinsidence that they were able to meet us at our hotel and meet my dad after dating Pookey for 5 years! We had breakfast together and they took off. We were all surprised at how it was possible to meet each other and not plan it. It just happend!

After breakfast we went back to our rooms and started to pack. I took a nap and just kicked back. We had to check out at 3:00pm. Then as we were waiting for my lil crashed Yaris Pookey took a picture of us


Dad, Mom, my lil bro Chris and I.

Finally, my car arrived and we went to Plaza Rio. Which is a shopping center. We walked around and looked around. We then went to a place called Tortas. They surved us a lot of food! We had to take almost everything to go. Then we kept walking around and bought some ice cream. We then headed to the car and another surprise.

My dad wanted to inform us that my mom wants to go with him to Guadalajara Mexico. We were like WHAT?! So sudden! We didn't even prepare for this! So she wants to go for a week in order to take care of some land issues that have been pending for years and get her Glaucoma and Hypertension checked out. So we all supported her.

We showed up to the airport around 9pm to see if there were any tickets available. There was one ticket left and it was a one way ticket. So i bought it for her. So we were sad and thrown off at the idea that my mom was not comming back and it was not planned so it felt wierd.

We left the airport at 10pm and began to cross the border. It was a while. Finally we crossed and my lil bro and i fell asleep. We arrived at home and here we are

This weekend Pookey and I will be going to Vegas as part of his vacation.

But we are all weirded out right now. I just checked my online banking and noticed the Marriott charged me $100 more than what they were supposed to. So i'm trying to get that settled and hopefully that gets fixed. I also have to call my insurance company and get my car situation taken care of. So idk how everything will turn out in the end.

Fucking great. I fucking knew this shit was going to happen and it did.

Tomorrow at 5:00 am, i will head off to TJ with Pookey, my mom and my lil bro to see my Dad after 8 long years. I asked Pookey to drop me off at work and take my car to get washed and waxed to make that baby shine! I was really looking foward to showing off my lil Yaris to my Dad and although its not a magnificant car but i wanted him to be proud and i wanted to show off my first car bought without a co-signer and NO credit to my Dad! I wanted to show him how hard it was for me to get the car and there it is.

For some reason i had a gutt feeling that with my luck i would end up crashing my car and i tried REAL hard to drive as carefully as i could to avoid from even adding a scratch to it so my dad can see it as if it were brand new.

I'm at work after Pookey drops me off and i get a phone call. I answer it and it was Pookey, i assumed he forgot the pin number to my card because he had to do some shopping before we leave.

First thing he tells me, "something happend but don't freak out, its fixable" and i automatically thought, "oh no he lost the Debit card!" so then he tells me he got in a car accident. Some fucking Douche driving a Mercades was going to push Pookey off the Fwy. So Pookey Dodges his ass and ends up falling off the fwy.

The way the car and the fwy are desinged we are all surprised the car didn't flip over. And if he wouldn't have moved it would've been a 3 or 4 car collission totalling MY car. Luckily neither happend and Pookey is okay.

The back bumper fell off and there is a dent. He ended up swirving to the fence off the fwy. But thankfully no one was hurt. He was just really freaking out because it was my car. He knows how mad i get when it gets scratched or when people are too stupid to open doors and hit my car with their door. I mean, those things can be prevented and so could a car crash but this was not his fault so i'm not mad i'm just disappointed at how i knew this was going to happen and my car won't be in the best shape to show off to my Dad.

My mom was telling me though that my aunt knows of a place where they won't charge me the $500 deductable to fix my car so i hope its true.

I feel bad for Pookey. Just yesturday we were at his grandfather's funeral and it wasn't the most pleasant experience. Now this.

My mom was telling me that things happen for a reason. It is true. But what was the reason to getting my car messed up? Idk. I guess it could've been worse.

The cops were cool about it and told Pookey that they won't make us report it because then the insurance would go up and i really can't afford that right now. But they also reminded him that he was very lucky or had skills with dodging cars.

I guess i'm happy it wasn't worse. I'm happy that Pookey is okay, mostly becuase he's not hurt. I'm bummed but not as angry as i think i should be.

Then my Dad told me on Wednesday that he reminded his supervisor about the trip he was going to take and he would be absent from work for 2 days and they denied his request. He totally flipped! He was like "the policy was to notify you a month in advance, which i did. Then you approved of it and adviced me to buy the plane ticket so i can confirm it official, i bought my round trip ticket, i paid the hotel, and now you are denying my request?! Why didn't you just deny it when i first mentioned it which was a month ago?! Why are you denying it last minute?!" So he ended up getting into an arguement with his supervisor and the head office asked him to come into the office today because they needed to speak to him.

We are really worried. I hope he doesn't lose his job because right now it's just really tough to find a job in Mexico and especially for a man his age.

He said no matter what he will end up going to TJ as planned because his family comes first. He will not do as they say for the little pay he is getting. With his luck, he forgot his ATM card in the ATM machine and now it is lost. He filed a report with the bank and they will take care of it for him.

So nothing is going right for ANYONE right now. I am beyond pissed!

Life is just really mocking me right now.

Thank you for all your wonderful thoughts and prayers.

Julian's grandpa passed away last night. We were ready to go home and went in the room to say goodbye and we realized he was having breathing problems. We sat down a little while longer and asked the nurse to come in. His breathing was slowing down until he stopped breathing.

The nurse stood by, took his palse and announced him dead at 11:00 pm. We all began to cry. As the nurse removed all the tubes from his body we all tried to comfort each other and made phone calls to the family members.

Julian was trying to be strong. Everyone gathered in the room and said a prayer. We had 4 hours until they took his body away. Julian didn't want to witness that and wanted to go home and we did.

Once we arrived, i cooked him something so he can eat. As i took his food to the room, he was silently crying. I sat beside him and comforted him.

May Segundo Padilla rest in peace. We are all glad he is no longer suffering and hope he is in a better place.

And just when i was starting to complain about the daily routine, life hits me hard with surprises.

1-Pookey and I are facing problems that can determine our future. 2- After 8 years of not seeing my Dad i will finally get to see him in TJ on the 8th which is a HUGE emotional thing for me. 3- Pookey's grandpa was diagnosed with Leukemia and he's on his last days. 4- An old freind sends me a random letter apologizing and thanking me at the same time. Oh, did i mention we used to date? HUGE confusing and sad love story to it, which is why has me speachless.

So as you can see, it's nothing but an emotional knot.

I went with my mom yesturday to visit Pookey's grandpa, his mom was crying and we were there for moral support. The poor guy was struggling for his life. It just hurt to see him in so much pain. Last time i saw him we was walking and happy to see everyone, now he can't even talk. It made me realize how much i love my parents and hope to God they don't go through that al though they might go through something similar. I began to cry.

When he was able to talk and his cognitive functions were in good standing, he signed a form stating that he didn't want anything to keep him alive. Right before losing his consiousness and speach ability, he said he was ready to go. He tries to get up once in a great while, mentally he's strong but physically he's weak. He hasn't ate in days. His organs are no longer functioning and the doctor told the family not to attempt to feed him because his body won't process the food. Instead it will sit there and rot. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have that told to. To have a doctor tell you that there is no hope and the only thing to do is let them die. So easy for them to say since they are just a patient to them and have seen so many people die before they just became used to it.

I sit by Pookey's and his family's side while they are going through this difficult loss.

My mind and body feel like there is no time or space. These awful feelings won't go away. These intense events just hit all of a sudden affecting everyone around me. I guess, i feel this way because i have no control. Because the outcome can be too painful to go through. I can cry of joy but the fact that the emotion is so intense that i need to cry its unexplainable. I'm trying to hang in strong and hold myself together but i'm afraid i'll just collapse.