Its raining here in socal. While i stare at the rain i remenence about these past couple of days.

Friday March 26 was supposed to be a routine check up for me. I went to the doctor's office wondering what it will consist of. I already have recieved gifts for the baby and pookey and i have been fighting over the name.

When its our turn to go in the doctor starts to listen for the heart beat. I was excited to hear it again. I was hoping he'd say "well congrats you just passed onto the second trimester" but instead he stopped and asked me to go to the ER and request an immediate ultrasound. I was afraid and rushed to the nearest hospital which was Belflower. They said i had to make an appointment and made me wait 3 hours.

Finally i was in the ultrasound room. They wouldn't tell me anything and that's when i panicked. They told me that the doctor was going to go over the results with me and now i had to wait another 2 hours before i could know anything.

Finally the dr called us in. He told us that the fetus was dead. It tore me apart. My heart shattered and i broke into tears. He said there was no fetal heart beat and it has been dead for 2 weeks and i didn't even know it.

It was strange becuase all of a sudden i was able to sleep well and the cravings went away and i assumed it was because the pregnancy was advancing not knowing something was wrong.

So the doc said i had to return on monday because i had to have it removed. I was in denial so i went to long beach memorial hospital. I lied that i had been bleeding just so they could see me. They took out blood and performed 2 ultrasounds and i could see for myself that indeed there was no fetal heartbeat. Again i began to cry. I was hoping it would move or do something just to show me it was okay. But it didn't.

The ER doc told me the same thing and said that on monday i had to return to my doc so he could remove it.

All weekend i cried and held my tummy and asked why it happend. Was it something i shouldn't have eaten? did i sleep wrong? did i stress too much? Why my baby?

Monday came, due to insurance issues my doc refused to admit me to the hospital and asked me to go to Harbor UCLA hospital becuase the procedure would cost $4,000 and it may be less there.

We were waiting for 12 hours and were told that they weren't even sure if they would be able to do anything for me but i had to wait approx 30 hours before i could be seen. I was going thru a hard time how could they ask me to sit in a crowded room with no food or a place to sleep for 30 hours?! They asked me not to eat 12 hours before surgery but how was i even sure i would go thru surgery when they said they're not sure? Pookey and i just left and decided to try another hospital.

Tuesday came. It was now 3 weeks with a dead fetus in my womb. My mom took me to Presbyterian hospital. In desperate need of help i approach the front desk and told them my situation and within minutes i had a room. They took blood and gave me an IV.

A doc came in and told me that they may have to send me back to Harbor UCLA because due to my insurance issue they can't due much for me so i had to wait another 30 plus hours again. He said that the obgyn docs there were not willing to do anything for me unless i paid a percentage of the cost of the surgery which can cost from $5,000- $6,000 on the spot. So i told him that i have been bouncing from hospital to hospital with a dead fetus in me which is extremely toxic and i need to get it done that day so he said he would try to talk to the docs again and see if they are willing to do it anyway.

I was alone in the room and i held my tears back because i couldn't believe the stupid medical and insurance system. A person could be dying and they will be turned away if they don't have insurance or don't have the money to pay upfront for the services.

The doc came back and he said that one doc was willing to help me out. He said that once he heard my story he felt sorry and wanted to help but i would be billed for the survices which at that point i didnt care.

I was admited into a room with another IV and shortly someone came in to take me into surgery.

My mom said everything would be okay but she looked scared. Then they took me to the OR and injected me with anesthesia. I met with the doc and he explained that the procedure is called a D & C and told me the risks and said he was upset at what i had to go through. He told me that i shared the same pain that millions of women go through. He told me to look into my irregular menstral cycle since i only get it once a year that can cause cervical cancer and said I should wait 2 months before i try to get pregnant again.

I was considering everything he was saying. I was just really happy that out of all the drs in that hospital, he was the only one willing to help me not knowing if he will be paid or not he was willing to help me.

I was then taken to a smaller room that felt like a freezer. There were about 5 ladies in there and told me to move onto another table. I looked to my left and saw a ton of things one that looked like an ice pick and then clamps and i got scared. they asked me to lay back and i began to shiver. They asked if i was scared or cold and i replied that i was freezing. They injected me with something and within a matter of seconds the room spinned backward and everything went black.

It felt like i only closed my eyes for 3 seconds. When I woke up it was as though i was waking from a dream. Not knowing what happened or where i was at, i began to cry and ask for my baby. It was as though my body knew what happend. I had a plastic tube in my mouth and had all these things connected to me. I could barely open my eyes and kept crying. I was not in pain and it felt as if though they didn't do anything to me.

A nurse approached me and asked me if i was in pain and all i kept saying was " my baby, my baby" and kept crying. She took out the plastic tube and put on an oxygen mask and said that things happen for a reason. My blood pressure lowered and i began to get cold and began to shiver. They told me they would lower my bed and see if i stablize.

When i was able to open my eyes i began to realize what was going on. And wondered what happend. My face was numb and the nurse was wiping her tears. They checked to see if i was bleeding and then transfered me to my room.

My family met up with me there and they looked sad to see me out of it.

I was able to go home that night and was asked to return in a week for a follow up check up. I couldn't dress. I began to feel the pain and had to be taken out in a wheel chair.

I have been in recovery for almost a week. I already went for my follow up and got the doctor a thank you card for being such an awesome person. Everything turned out fine.

I am now fully recovered physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I still cry once in a great while but accepted the fact that it was a miscarriage and the fetus had a genetic problem that kept it from growing.

It's still hard. I try not to think of it.

Instead i try to think that i will continue school and hopefully by next year try again and see what happens.

Although i know that things happen for a reason, it doesn't take the pain away.

This experience has inspired me to pursue a carreer in medicine. Not sure what yet but we'll see that later down the road. In the meantime, Im going to tackle the math and catch up in order to transfer to long beach.

Once again, thank you for listening.