So i'm sick and i feel out of it. My dad recieved the package i sent him and got really happy. He even bought the plane ticket for TJ and hopefully this weekend Pookey will give me money to make reservations for the Marriott in TJ.

At first he said, "I'll give you $600 for th trip and whatever we need we can get from there" but idk what is wrong with me. Being with this guy for 5 years and living together for 2 I would assume to know better than to fall for everything he says. One thing that really pisses me off about the things this guy does is when he says one thing and does another. I mean, I understand he also has bills to pay and would like to go shopping and spoil himself when he never gets the chance to do so but he doesn't need to get my hopes up. He says one thing and does another.

When rent was due, he borrowed money that i was saving up for the TJ trip and my Dad's plane ticket because he was short $160 on rent. He said that this Friday is an extra check for him so he'll just give me $600 to replace the money he took and to add extra change. So i said okay. Yesturday we went to the mall to change some shorts i bought him and he said he was going to give me $250. I'm thinking, either he forgot, thought i forgot, or changed his mind.

That REALLY pissed me off. 1- because its like a yo-yo. I'm like the little kid trying to catch the yo-yo and he's the older kid going "ah! almost had it! Here you go, Ah! too slow, okay here you go, Ah! nevermind i changed my mind." i mean its a tease and it gets my hopes up! 2- He owes me $500 from a car crash he had a while back, i'm not going to tell him to pay up but i'm letting him pay me back whenever he can. And 3- I hate it when he says one thing and does another. If he knows he can't do it or is unsure if it's going to happen he shouldn't say anything. I'm counting on everything he says and last minute he does something else! If he knew he wasn't going to give me $600 then why the fuck did he say so?!

He's always doing this, not just with money but simple things like, he can say that we're going to go out or to dinner. Hours go by and its like 10 something and he goes to bed. I grind my teeth and feel like crying because he lied. He got my hopes up and i was really looking forward to doing what he said and when we talk about it the next day he has some sort of lame excuse! There is no comunication in this relationship! One thing that really pissed me off was when we got our tax money. We both got 7G's each and we were planning a Vegas trip with his parents and my mom and grandpa. I understand we had to pay off bills and depts but we should have had enough money to go for a weekend at least. Instead, he dropped his car and did god knows what else and when i mentioned the trip again, he said, "with what money?" OOOOooo!!! i was furious! i was planning a trip just my mom, my grandpa and myself. But then i didn't end up going. Because i figured out i needed to save more money. And before i knew it, it wasn't there anymore.

On our first trip to Vegas i spent over $3,000 and he prob only spent a max of $1,000 on the car rental and food. The most he has ever spent on me was when we go to Disneyland or when he took me to a Pirate show in Buena Park or when we went to Cirque Du Soleil (which has been the best present so far) and i think tickets where $90 each.

It's just that times like these i feel like i put more effort in the relationship. I feel like i go the extra mile to grow. I find a way to make more money to give us a better life. To have what we always wanted and to enjoy many things we have always wanted to enjoy and that in the future would want to enjoy. He doesn't. He doesn't like to take risks or move up. I guess he's confirmed. He's just confortable where he's at and if it's not for me we wouldn't move forward. Thanks to the fact that i decided to tattoo, i'm making extra change. But if he knows he's not making enough money why doesn't he try to find a better job or a way in which he can?

I told him, that the day i have a baby, i don't want to work until the baby starts school. So that's a whole 5 years that he will have to work to make enough for everyone on his own. I honestly don't know how he's going to do that if he hasn't done so already.

I love this guy with all my heart. We have been through so much together and he has helped me in endless ways. I owe him and his family so much. But he filled my needs while we were younger, now we're getting older and with different needs and I need him to fill those needs too. But from this point on, i don't think he can take chances, risks or make any changes to live a better life, or non the less give his family a better life. Right now we're young and we got our own thing going on but i guess i'm so serious about this that i'm already looking into the future.

I see my friends with their babies and families and i too would like to be the same but i want to marry and form a family with a guy that is willing to move his family forward and not stay in the same spot for years. Every year i seem to be moving forward one way or the other. He doesn't do it unless i convince him.

This bums me out cuz i expect more. That's why it also pisses me off the fact that i can't go back to school, that i can't have time for my family and that i live a daily routine that is not taking me where i want to be. I am not going to rely on a guy to give me what i need so i need to fight for it myself. But i dnt want to have to drag the guy along with me, i want him to want to catch up to me or beat me to it and say he can and will support me in every way possible. That he won't lie and brake promises and will strive to give ourselves a better future. But i'm just living the moment and if life says it's time to change or time to move up i will.

I'm tired of promises that are never kept, i'm tired of sometimes not feeling like i'm his #1. I know he loves me, but he doesn't show it very often because i'm there. But once he feels a threat or realizes that i'm really close to leaving, then he tries to remind me how much i mean to him. I don't want him to do that to change my mind about leaving. I want him to do that to remind me why i'm still there without any reason to do so.

Ugh, very emotional right now. Very bummed. Very reflective. Very disappointed.