"I get it all the time
Bright eyes to bat and hide behind
But I know they're just for show, honey
Painful and just for show
Black rooms to babysit and white halls to pace and wait for it
And I know it's too slow, honey
Painful and real slow"


...I really just don't know where to go from here. I'm not sure how much more of this I can smile through.

I just feel like I'm living a ghost of my former life and it hurts so fucking much to watch it all dissolve around me. Everything I'd accomplished, everything I'd worked towards, all the effort I put into finding myself and my place in life that made me happiest was all time and effort lost in a virtual instant with that first seizure.

That first seizure and that first trip to the hospital and my life was changed. I lost my lisence, I lost my job, I lost my independence, I lost my health, and I lost everything I'd worked so hard on accomplishing.




I'm ineligible for EI (*that's unemployment benefits in Ontario) since my last job was contractual, and I cannot work because I am still having seizures and issues with my health and medication. Applying for disability if a lengthy and very drawn out process, and is generally denied at least once before appeal, and even from there can take over a year to recieve any sort of benefits or compensation.

Yesterday I was given one final blow... I was denied wellfare. Wellfare is the bottom tear left available for financial support and my last hope. The reason for my denial was that my parents set up a wedding fund for me shortly after I was born, and once I turned 18 the account was transfered under my name.

For my family and close friends they know that I have always dreamed of my wedding day. I have dreamt of the perfect backless cream-ivory silk dress that my mom and I would make together, I dreamt of deep purple bridesmaids dresses and beautiful orchids, I dreamt of having everyone I love celebrate with me, I dreamt of cute vegan cupcakes instead of wedding cake... I know it may sound silly and vain and superficial to some, but this is truly something I have dreamed about since I was a little girl and my mom would let me try on her beautiful veil...
This money was put aside by my parents when I was a baby to ensure they could help make their daughters dream one day come true. This is not my money. I did not earn it, I did not save it myself and I did not want it until it was to be used for what it was put aside for. But because this trust fund is under my name it is seen by the government of Canada as spendable assets.

My incredible parents have been so wonderful and so supportive in every way through this whole ordeal. My first hospital admission when everything changed was just 2 months after I had spent money I'd been saving up all summer for a 2 week trip accross Canada. and just a week after I had finished my Christmas shopping. My savings was minimal and shortly ran out. Since then my incredible parents have been paying my rent and food.
On top of all of this I am on so many numerous medications with the epilepsy now, in addition to my usual anti-psychotics that the cost of my medication alone is $400+ a month. My loving and concerned grandparents have taken on this cost for me, which I am unspeakably thankful for.
I feel just awful being such an incredible burden all on them, both emotionally and financially. My parents have been so incredibly strong and generous through it all and I feel like I have become such a burden to them.

With my sister's due date just 3 days away my mother had planned to retire to a part time position within her work, stepping down from full a time managerial position, and with solely my dad's income I simply cannot keep asking them to support me like this.


So... this is what it all comes down to...
Miid November I had my own 2 bedroom appartment in downtown Toronto, where I had dreamed of moving to since I was a teen.
I had an amazing job that I loved, I had a steady income, an awesome company vehicle and lived comfortably; even being able to save some money every month, being able to plan small trips with friends.
I had made it on my own at 24 years old and was genuinely proud of myself for everything I had made happen in my life.

Then, in one single day in that middle of November my life was changed.
I lost my lisence.
Which meant I lost my job.
Which meant I lost my independence.
All because I had suddenly and unexpectedly lost my good health.
And with this I lost everything I'd worked so hard on accomplishing.

...And now... iit looks as though if I want to continue having a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and to stay in the city where my friends are, where the doctors and specialists are who I need to see regularly, where there is sufficient public transit (my only means of transportation since my license was revoked with the diagnosis of epilepsy) , and where I have spent the last 3 years making a life for myself... I will have to give up something I have dreamed of since I was a little girl. Something I dreamed of after seeing for the very first time a photograph of the most beautiful bride ever, my mother, and had wished to one day look as beautiful and genuinely happy as she had that day.









I don't know why the universe has dealt me this hand, or where it will take me next. I feel like things just keep getting harder and harder and I just can't catch a break. I feel like I am slowly being defeated.

I know I have such incredible friends and the most LOVING and SUPPORTIVE parents imaginable, which is more than so many people can say. My friends and family have been my rock through all of this and I feel so blessed to be able to have them in my life. But... I just don't know if I am strong enough to take on any more pain and dissappointment and guilt and shame, and handle this feeling of helplessness in it all.
It is getting harder and harder with every new blow to continue smiling through it all, and to find the rays through the clouds... I wish I had the strength, I WANT to have the strength but after this newest development I can't help feeling like I am making no progress moving forward. I keep trying and trying and keep being pushed further back with new and harder obsticles.

I am really struggling with all of this and I hate knowing how hard this has been on my parents. They are so worried about my health and well being, and on top of that have to worry about covering my finances. I just don't know what to do...






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I am feeling so defeated.
But I am not beat yet.
Although the rays through the clouds are dimmer than they may have ever been for me, there is always knowledge of the sun behind that ominous darkened sheet that seems to be all but consuming me right now.

I have found a roomate.
This not only splits my rent in half and provides some much needed financial releif, but it also has relieved a lot of personal anxiety concerning the possability of injuring myself in my home while having a seizure, with now one around to help or even know about it until I regain consciousness. I feel safer in my own home knowing someone is here in case of emergency.

The new roomie's name is Cody. I'd been posting on FB for the last 2 months that I was looking for a roomate and the message was passed along to him through a friend of a friend of a friend. He moved here from 16 hours north of Toronto, with nothing but a couple of bags and a guitar. We met a week ago when he came to see the place and immediately clicked. It was a total bromance in the making.

2 days later I had first and last month's rent cash in hand and he moved in. We've been getting along famously and I am so stoked to have lucked out on finding such a wicked roomate.



Aside from that good news my sister Danielle is only 3 days away from her expected due date.
The anticipation of meeting my new neice and just holding her and kissing her and getting to be present for her first week of life makes my heart feel like it might burst. I have never felt such a precious love like this before, and she has yet to even enter the world. Words cannot describe how much my love for my unborn neice has helped me power through these last few months. I can barely sleep I am so excited to get THE phone call saying it's time to make my way out to Windsor, Ontario!

3 Weeks ago my mother and I, along with our extended family and neighbours, threw Danielle a surprise baby shower. Before the party however, I needed to have my sister out of our parents' house so they could set up, so my sister and her husband had maternity photos done. My sister's first photoshoot!
I did her makeup for her (VERY NATURAL!, as she requested) and got to help pose her and Adam, along with making quick touch ups and suggestions in between shots. It was kinda need to be on the OTHER side the camera for once!

Anywho, when they had finished shooting Danielle and Adam the photographer took a couple quick snaps of me and my sis.
This is what resulted:

FOOD BABY vs. REAL BABY!!!!!!!!
(I had just eaten a huge chickpea and potato roti... the picture really doesn't do my carb-induced gut-baby justice)



And now to close this novel of a blog on a more positive note; here are a few other small rays that have managed to peak through the clouds during this hard time in my life and put a smile on my face:


Presents from my "get well wishlist"

Thank you so so SO much to those of you who have been thinking of me, and to be so generous as to send me these amazing gifts. I get so excited whenever I get a pick up notice from the post office and I want you guys to know it really means a lot to me that you'd do this for me. It's cheered me up to know there's people out there thinking of me

This is the documentary about Placebo that Pops1213 sent me, that I mentioned in my last blog. There was stuff in it I'd never known about the band before! It was a great watch




And a Mr. James Hutchison sent me two wonderful gifts!!!

This is a 20" plushie of a giant squid!!! I have a passion for learning about sea life and oceanic biodiversity (I could watch nothing but sea life documentaries about marine biology, underwater ecosystems and what lives within the unknown watery depths of our blue planet for the rest of my life and die happy )
Anywho, as suggested by the giant tattoo on my side one of my most favorite sea creatures is the giant squid. I love that I have one to cuddle now!!!


He also got me this awesome book of erotic photography. I am a lover of women's feet and legs and THIS book has some of the best!


I would love to send you guys back just a little somethingas a token of my appreciation for your lovely gifts, so PM me your mailing address if you're interested

My best friend Ghandy, who lives on the east coast, came to visit for a week last month, and it was so wonderful to see him, while I going through such a hard time.
He tattooed me while he was here too!


The tattoo is to commemorate my time so far with one of the coolest projects I've ever been involved with The Keyhole Sessions, which is an erotic life drawing class I have been modeling for for about a year and a half now.

If you wanna see more of Ghandy's awesome work go here.

Well... this was a long one. But I'm glad I got all of that off my chest.
Thanks again for all your well wishes

love love love
nymph
xoxoxo